(He loves me; he loves me not)

(She loves me; she loves me not)

(He loves me; she loves me not)


Natsu crushed the life out of his steering wheel while Cana laughed about something in the passenger's seat. It sounded fake. Everything sounded fake, and felt fake and just really, really bizarre. Lamps in windows looked like they'd been picked right up out of a Terry Gilliam movie, and everything was bright and sweaty and dangerous.

He rolled down his window; lake air rushed in and his T-shirt let go of his back. His brow was still soaked, though.

"Natsu?"

"Hm?"

"Are you going to take that?"

He realized he was sitting in an intersection, staring at the clear traffic lane while he tried to make a left. He depressed the gas hard enough that the backend swung. The brick tumbled out of his pocket and landed against Cana's hip. She picked it up and turned it around in her fingers.

"What's this?"

Natsu swiped it out of her hand. "Nothing."

Cana swiped it back again and opened it. Natsu corrected his course—they'd almost drove into a ditch—as the familiar and filthy smell of heroin filled the truck. It was lower quality than what Brandish usually sold and smelled heavily of vinegar.

"This is that Pearl stuff you're always smoking, isn't it?"

Natsu barked, "Don't wave it around, anyone could be watching."

Lackadaisically, Cana asked, "Are you going to smoke some?"

His chest hurt and felt like someone was sitting on it.

"Natsu?"

"I don't know." It wasn't a no, but that wasn't a yes, either. He counted it as a win.

Cana said, "I want to try."

He tightened his hold on the leather-wrapped wheel. "You do." Of course she did.

She shrugged. "Why not? And I'd rather try with you than some creep."

He tried to put up a roadblock. "I don't have a pipe."

Cana pulled out hers. "Is this good enough?"

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. "Yeah."

"Good." She started googling how to do it.

Natsu slowed the truck to a crawl when they got into his neighbourhood. His apartment still came up too fast. He put the truck in the back, hoping that when he turned back there he'd find other parked vehicles so Cana didn't feel comfortable enough to smoke there; or some of Jellal's goons. Maybe they could rough him up for trying to go see Lucy and he would have a fight he could tackle and have a chance at winning.

Cana asked, "You like the high?"

He scrubbed his palms on his pants. "It's... good."

"I just want a little."

Everyone wanted a little at first.

They did it on the tailgate so the smell didn't linger in the truck. He monitored Cana's intake, careful she didn't take too much. She passed it to him and he was faced with a decision he didn't know if he was strong enough to stand against. That pipe felt like salvation. Not just escape. He could stop the shakes and the paranoia and the gut-wrenching cravings and just fucking be.

The apartment's front door opened; Natsu could see a square of light coming out of the building and splashing against the darkened road. Zeref followed it so he could shove someone out. The person stumbled down the street, laughing, and going the opposite way. Zeref returned to the apartment without seeing Natsu but that was the cold splash of water he needed. He shoved the brick deep into his pocket, cleaned out Cana's pipe and sprayed them both with car air freshener. Cana was staring at the moon and didn't seem to notice until he took her by the elbow, then she came alive.

"This is…"

"Amazing," Natsu finished for her. "Let's go inside." Where he wouldn't be tempted to join her.

She leaned on him heavily and watched everything like it was her first time seeing it. Natsu had to shuffle her around to get his key in the front door and open it and when he did, he was greeted by a familiar scene. People lounged everywhere. Black Dog was playing out of the new TV, the air was choked with smoke and the smell of beer, and Zeref reclined on the couch with Ultear on his one side, leaning into him too much for her intentions to be misconstrued. It was like getting thrown into a time loop.

Zeref untangled himself and stood. Natsu tensed, waiting for the moment he smelled heroin through the air freshener. "Who's this?"

"Cana. This is my brother, Zeref."

Zeref's eyebrow quirked. He knew better than to ask hard questions in front of people, though, and said, "You got a phone call while you were out."

"I know, I got the message." Natsu used a tone that left very little room for inquiry. He didn't want to know that Gildarts was flipping out and he didn't want to know what Zeref was telling him. He just wanted to run his fucking life.

"Alright." Zeref backed off. "You want a beer, Cana?"

"Always," she said, though Natsu wasn't sure she really meant it.

"I got it." Natsu left her there and made a break for the kitchen just to say that he was moving. Whatever dope he'd smoked was leaving his system and he was going through a bad round of withdrawal after being so close to Cana while she smoked. He had the shakes and he was sweaty. He opened the freezer and rested his forehead against a frozen tube of concentrated fruit juice. It's okay. It was fine. And if it wasn't fine, he still had more.

There were options.

Fuck. There was a bottle of whisky in the freezer; he drank straight from the neck to try to fill that hole. It warmed his chest and his belly and did actually take the edge off. He could breathe.

Ultear said something cutting to Zeref, Natsu could hear her over the din. He closed the freezer door and grabbed Cana's beer. He opened it for her, too, and took a huge swig before stepping out into the living room.

She still stood like a wallflower, watching everything with huge doe eyes. He took her by the hand and led her back to his room where she stared at the posters on the door and on the ceiling and on all the walls.

"You live in a movie store."

"Yeah." Natsu emptied his pocket, wallet, keys, phone, heroin. It all went on a beat up baby blue dresser and stayed there.

"How?"

"Zeref knows the owner."

Cana dropped onto his bed with her arms wide, nearly slopping her beer. Natsu took that from her hands and downed another quarter of it.

She didn't notice.

Natsu's phone started sliding over his dresser, vibrating with a call. Cana lifted her head, more in the moment, and asked, "Who keeps calling you?"

"Gildarts." Natsu stripped his hoody and threw it on the computer chair with a pile of other clothes.

"What's he want?"

"Dunno," Natsu lied. Nothing like admitting you were a recovering addict that slipped the watchful eye of the only functioning adult in your life that seemed to give a fuck because he gave too much of a fuck.

"No?"

"Probably just checking up on me," Natsu said offhandedly.

Cana slumped back onto the bed, looking like a crucifixion victim. She wasn't enjoying her high as much as she could be. He wanted her to. He wanted her to love it so when she needed to start hating it, he wasn't the only one. He wanted a lot of selfish, terrible things.

He undid his pants so they were resting on his hips and then went to her. She kissed him normally, and then she kissed him like she'd never kissed anyone before and suddenly realized how amazing it was. He was wickedly jealous and at first, withheld some of the tricks that made her tick. Then she started moaning and the pettiness slipped from his head. He needed something from Cana and she needed something from him, too, and it wouldn't work unless they both gave.

The bathroom door slammed out in the hallway, Natsu heard it even though his ears were pressed into Cana's thighs and she breathed in huge, messy gulps of air. He dismissed it at first, backing up so he could put his fingers inside her. Cana arched with pleasure.

The door opened and light and noise came in. It was shut out again. Cana didn't notice, she puffed and lifted her hips, fucking herself when Natsu stopped and squinted at whoever entered. He saw her globe earrings shining in the residual streetlight and relaxed some.

Ultear pulled her V necked sweater over her head and threw it with Natsu's clothes. She did the same with everything else she wore, too, until it was just her silky black hair and her jewellery. She wore a bracelet that was cool against Natsu's cheek when she cupped his face and kissed him, and her necklace whispered on Cana's chest when she put herself between Natsu and Cana and kissed her. Natsu heard her ask,

"Is this okay?"

And he heard Cana's fevered response. The room warped; there was the whisky. Natsu moved like a person possessed, grabbing nameless legs and arms and not paying attention to much. Ultear was kneeling over Cana and she was kissing him, and then Ultear was sitting on the bed and Cana was between her knees and Natsu was behind. And then he was the one in Ultear's spot and he didn't know who was where or how much time had passed or if time was passing at all. There was just skin and blue Christmas light's he didn't remember turning on and breaths. So many breaths.

He pulled out of one of them and used the other's mouth when he was ready to come.

Music was ringing in his ears saying, Not myself. I'm not myself. I'm someone else. I'm not myself. Not myself. It took him a long time to realize that Ultear was playing something off her phone. It finished and when it finished, he got up.

There was water on his nightstand; he passed it to Cana and then started getting dressed. Ultear mimicked him. Natsu thought Cana would remain staring at Ultear like she was a goddess, but eventually, she started palming around for her clothes. She came up with her bra but not her underwear. Ultear laughed and found them for her. She helped her get into them, too. Cana kissed Ultear. Natsu tuned them out. His phone was ringing again and this time, he glanced at the screen. It was Lucy's face there, smiling up at him. His gut wrenched. It went to voicemail, and when the phone went blank, he saw that he had seven missed calls. Four of those were Gildarts, three were Lucy.

A text came through, one of many, apparently. Natsu only read the newest one. I'm at your apartment.

"Fuck." Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. "Fuck."

"What is it?" Ultear asked around Cana's mouth.

Natsu scrubbed his face. "You gotta get out of here."

Ultear sidled over and leaned over his shoulder, reading his texts. "Mm. Does that mean Lucy got tired of waiting for you?"

"Clothes, Ultear." Natsu threw his phone on his dresser and helped Cana, the worst of the bunch, into the remainder of her clothes. She acted like a ragdoll, limp and loose. Natsu got on her pants, shirt, sweater, picking her up and manhandling her for most of it because he was moving too fast.

Ultear said, "What do you plan on doing with this one?"

What was he going to do with her? She couldn't stay there. "Can you take her home?"

"She doesn't look like she knows where she's going."

"The Patch," Natsu said in a rush and tore open his bedroom door. Light flooded in, and cigarette smoke, and Lucy's perfume. A chasm opened in Natsu's gut when he turned back around and there was Lucy with her hand raised, ready to knock. Zeref lingered behind her, trying to distract her in a very non-Zeref like fashion.

Ultear pulled Cana and together, they slipped past Lucy. Her face was frozen for seconds that passed like hours. Zeref turned on his heel and left the way he'd come; Lucy dropped her hand like it was made of lead weight.

Natsu shoved his hand through his hair. "Do you want to go outside?"

Lucy turned on her heel and walked through the clouds of marijuana. People stared at them; Natsu pretended that they didn't. Cold air filled his lungs. He replaced it with smoke just as soon as he could, slowing to light his cigarette while Lucy stalked on ahead, the heels of her boots clopping on the broken pavement. She went to his truck without asking and threw herself against the driver's door. The entire truck wobbled beneath the force of her body; Natsu couldn't pretend that this was a hallucination, she was very, very real.

They stared at each other for an uncomfortable amount of time, Natsu smoking and Lucy crossing her arm and breathing loudly through her nose. She did that when she was trying not to cry. She got it under control before he figured out what to say, and then acted like she hadn't just caught two girls rushing from his room.

"I've been in Italy. It was supposed to be a family vacation but my uncle has some subsidiary companies there. I was able to get into some of his factories."

"We weren't just hanging out, chatting," Natsu butted in.

Lucy pretended like he hadn't spoken. "I think I was able to bribe one of the people he has working for him. We could get them to go on record and talk about all the terrible things—"

"Stop."

"You should see some of the conditions. I swear, there was a girl there that wasn't older than ten, and the stuff she was making—if it's medical-grade morphine—"

Natsu grabbed her shoulders and shook her. "Just stop."

"What?"

"Go home."

"Did you hear me?" Lucy said. "I know law's not really your thing, but my dad and cousin have been covering for my uncle, and not only do they potentially have child labourers, they're making drugs, and I can almost guarantee that they're not legal. I stole some and sent it to a lab. When the results come back, we'll have them."

"It'll come back proving that nothing's out of the norm."

"You don't know that."

"I do because it's Fernandez owned." Every lab in a hundred square kilometers was.

She looked crestfallen, but sucked it all up and said, "If that's the case then I'll find something else. I know Jellal's mistress's name. She works at Macy's. She's a stripper. We can use that to our advantage."

"We don't have anything."

"Natsu—"

"Have you met your cousin, Lucy? The real Jellal, not the Jellal that comes for family dinners?"

Her lip popped out. "What do you mean?"

Suddenly, he was very scared for her, Lucy never let anything go and maybe she'd scratched the surface of her family's crookedness but he didn't think she appreciated the lengths Natsu thought they'd go to just to keep their secrets. "Just go home."

"Natsu," she started again.

He set out to really hurt her so this could just stop. "We're just done. It's not about the money or your dad's disapproval. You're just not what I want anymore."

"Not what you want anymore?"

"Sorry."

Her lip wobbled; it looked like she was going to hit him. "You prefer those other girls? Loke said they're both easy." She looked horrified at her tame slur; then the look dulled to one of resolve, the words were out, that was the hardest bit, and now she could say them again. "He said they'd sleep with anyone, you're not special. Not to them."

"That's kind of the point."

She gathered herself up. "You're just saying that. It's not what you want. I know you, Natsu."

Natsu shook his head and turned away from her.

"Natsu! Natsu!"

Her voice chased him all the way into his apartment. He closed the door, though, and blocked her out with the music that still played from the TV. It'd changed to Cocaine by Eric Clapton. Someone had broken out the powder and they were sucking it down off the coffee table.

Zeref stood from the full couch and followed Natsu into the kitchen. "She's mad?"

"She acted like nothing happened," Natsu said into the fridge. There wasn't anything to drink in there, everything had disappeared.

Zeref grabbed a cup out of the cupboard, a tall one from one family trip long, long ago to an amusement park. There was a Ninja Turtle stretched across the plastic, Raphael, Natsu's favourite when he was small.

Zeref filled it to the brim with water from the tap and handed it over, communicating silently that he needed that more than he needed more alcohol. Natsu took it and drank under his brother's scrutinizing stare.

"If you want, I'll contact my friend and—"

"Forget it."

Zeref wasn't intimidated by Natsu's foul mood. He took him by the shoulders and brought him in for a bone-crushing hug that spilled water all over the floor. He'd hugged him like this only once before, the day Natsu moved out of their parent's house and came to live with Zeref in the city.

He didn't say anything else when he released him. Natsu remained in the kitchen after Zeref left, staring at the walls and thinking. Wondering. Hoping that was enough, that he'd nipped Lucy's lost-cause digging in the bud. The only thing that came from this was trouble.