I thought that love was a kind of emptiness
Two days after Halloween, Natsu's phone rang. He jumped, it was so quiet in his house and had been since he and Zeref watched the reporter standing on the hill by that ugly fridge, surrounded by policemen and forensic teams.
His phone rang again, the noise bouncing off the bare walls. Natsu rolled over and looked at Cana's figure on screen; the picture had been taken at the beach, on one of the days it was too cold to swim but they did it anyway. She was walking away from him and the wind was twisting her hair. He liked the picture but it made him feel lonely.
The phone rang again.
"Answer that or hang it up," Zeref said from the other room. He'd been sleeping, though it was almost ten. He'd been out late these last couple nights; Natsu didn't know what he was doing and he didn't really want to know, either.
He answered the phone at the last possible second. "Hey."
"Hey, Natsu." Cana skipped over the part where he left her mostly naked behind a barn when the police were there and asked him to drive her to Gildarts'. He'd hired her to do work on his bike. Natsu immediately said yes; anything was better than staring at those fake stars, thinking about how the police found the body and if they were going to find something to bring them to their door.
It wasn't very exciting to sit in Gildarts' driveway and watch Cana work. She liked to do it in silence, but Natsu had never been quiet and now when he was so anxious was not the time to start. "Did the cops pick you up the other night?"
"No. A guy I know pulled me out of there," Cana said vaguely. "You?"
Natsu told her, "Zeref was waiting for me in the Dakota. We booked it across the farm field. Sorry," he added. "For leaving you there. I should have taken you with me, I don't know what I was thinking."
Her eyes darted his way and there was an expression on her face he didn't think he could misinterpret. Affection came and went like a gust of wind. She asked, "What happened with you and Lucy?"
Natsu lit a cigarette and took an extra long pull off of it, thinking about the sensation he had when he opened the door and there was Lucy, looking in. "Nothing."
"Nothing?"
He said quickly, "She asked who you were, I told her, then she went to stay at her dad's like she was supposed to."
Cana turned from him and put her attention back on the bike, tightening the cover plating. Natsu felt panic cinching down on him again and lit a joint, the last of his weed. Cana looked over her shoulder so he handed it to her. She took it but asked,
"Changing it up?"
Natsu heard himself say, "Trying to go easy. I told Gildarts I would."
She exhaled. "Was he mad at you the other night?"
Natsu thought about the agitation that rolled off of him as he leaned over him and said, you can't be here. He hadn't had the balls to talk to him since. "He was pretty pissed. Especially after I told him I'd stay out of trouble."
Cana set aside her ratchet. "Why does he care?"
"Crusader, I guess." Natsu finished his joint and stamped it out on the dying grass. "Thinks he can save everyone." And no one made it easy.
Cana turned from him and started the bike. It cranked over with a roar and hid her anger. She dusted her hands. "There."
"You're pretty good, eh?"
"I get by."
"Zeref knows a guy that runs a garage," Natsu said. "I could ask him to see if they're hiring." It was a chop shop after hours but he could ask Zeref to put her on their more legitimate side of business. Keep her employed and out of trouble.
Cana took a long time answering. Natsu lit up another cigarette as his phone buzzed. He picked it up and there was Lucy in a white and green dress, smiling as she leaned against a tree. He loved the satin choker she wore in that picture, the one with star stitched into the material front and center.
Cana took his phone from his hand and put it face down on the motorcycle's seat. "Maybe ask him to look into it." She turned back around and positioned herself between his legs.
Natsu sensed the shift and the distraction Cana was offering and touched her thighs. "Sure." Cana lowered into his lap and his phone stopped buzzing.
It was hard to say what it was exactly that drove girls like Cana away. It could have been sitting together in the Bunkie, Gildarts' TV spitting out Coraline, Cana between his legs and a bowl of popcorn between hers. It could have been Gildarts coming in and seeing the casual pose. It could have been something completely unrelated, Natsu didn't know. All he did know was that he asked Zeref about the garage and for days after, Cana ignored his calls.
It was frustrating being on the other end of ghosting.
He gave her space and focused on other things. He'd never been tidy but he cleaned the Bunkie, and when that was done, he went home and cleaned his own house. The dishes and the living room and even his own room. Someone had slept in his bed and left a condom wrapper in the sheets. He didn't dare ask who, just washed his sheets with bleach and made his bed again.
To keep his mind off the quarry (so far, thanks to the news, he knew the police didn't have much evidence) he did an odd job for a cranky old woman named Porlyusica, cutting up wood and stacking it for her for the winter; Gildarts put him in contact with her. When he was done that, he did her neighbour's. The money he made he gave directly to Zeref, who in turn gave it directly to their mother, who called looking for money again to pay their mortgage. She didn't say as much but Natsu had a feeling they spent what money they did have on Christmas presents. Or at the casino. It was hard to say. Both were well within their wheelhouse.
Ultear appeared in his room again late one night in mid-November. She was in red. She always wore red near the Christmas time. She flopped on his bed and pulled him down with her. He kissed her neck and her shoulder where her tunic dress would stretch. He expected her to reciprocate. The best Ultear did was tell him, "Lucy asked me to fuck her." She said it simultaneously like she was confessing and trying to drive a knife in his gut.
He paused and leaned back. "What?"
"Didn't Cana tell you?" Ultear pulled her hair over to the opposite side and tilted her head so he could give her attention there, too.
"No." No, she did not. "When? How?"
"The better question is why. Why didn't Cana say something?" Ultear asked, though that wasn't the why Natsu was interested in.
"How did Lucy find you?"
"She showed up at my work."
"And propositioned you?" That wasn't like Lucy. Not at all. Lucy didn't even like girls, not the way Cana or Ultear did.
She shrugged. "I guess, in a sense."
He felt irrationally angry. "What were you thinking?"
"Nothing, really."
Natsu almost didn't hear her; his ears were roaring. "How could you let this happen?"
Ultear said bluntly in that way Ultear had, that drab, simplistic and cruel way, "Lucy told Cana that she wanted to know what kind of girls you liked now. I guess she thought if she was more like us, you'd ignore her less. I wanted to tell her it's because we let you ignore us that you come back but I guess I was being shitty and selfish and I didn't say a thing." She said it like she was repeating something someone else said to her.
Ultear tried to pull him back down. Natsu held off. "Did you fuck her?"
"Would it make a bit of difference if I did?"
Yeah, a little. "Did you?"
"I didn't do anything to her that Lucy didn't want me to do," Ultear avoided.
Natsu took her by the elbow and pulled her up off his bed. She looked surprised and disheveled when he pushed her out. Let her be.
He threw on a sweater and his tattered work boots and walked to the part of town people like him didn't frequent. It was dark by the time he arrived, so he was able to slip behind her home without being detected and climb up the lattice to her window. She was by herself, though she texted someone furiously. He wanted to know who if she was begging someone else to get some tarnish on that gold.
He tapped on her window; her head shot up and her eyes focused on him through the glass, though he knew she was seeing glare and not really him at all. She cut across the room cautiously, looking over her shoulder before opening the window.
She looked surprised and sheepish and excited all at once. "Hey."
Natsu recycled the same question he'd used on Ultear. "What were you thinking?"
Lucy tried to play ignorant. "About what?"
"Why did you go to Cana's? She has enough going on without dealing with my shit, too."
It was like sparking a lighter over kindling. Lucy's cheeks went immediately red. "I'm shit now?"
"That's not what I said."
It was too late to do any kind of damage control. She was embarrassed and mad. "She didn't have to invite me inside you know? She chose to. Maybe you should be at her house, yelling at her."
Natsu made his voice a little bit quieter. "Cana has trouble saying no and Ultear is manipulative. You don't have an excuse." She was the most level girl he knew and she was acting like a lunatic. "What were you trying to accomplish?"
Lucy's eyes watered and leaked tears. "I'm trying to understand you!"
"So you fucked some girls you didn't even like, and? Did you get your enlightenment?" he poked. She cried harder and he felt terrible, not relieved at all.
"You're such a selfish asshole. I hate you." She pushed him but there was no strength behind it; he barely tottered on her sill. "I hate you." He got what she was really trying to say, love and hate were almost the same emotion. "You just come in and out of my life, fuck me when you think you can get away with it, and then push me aside. Well, fuck you, Natsu. You're a—you're—" She struggled. Being mean didn't come to her naturally. "You're a bad person. You're just awful. All you want to do is fuck everything away or smoke it all away or fucking sleep it all away. It doesn't work like that." She pushed him again. He caught her wrist and held her hand.
"You're not like those girls. I don't want you to be like those girls. I want you to be like you."
She looked sober and struck and lost. "Do you really mean that?"
"Of course I do."
She leaned out her window and kissed him. She tasted like tears.
There was a noise from deep inside the house. Lucy looked suddenly scared. She pulled back and took her hand away from his and pushed him back out the window. Natsu scurried down the lattice. It was almost like they were young again. He leapt the rest of the way to the bottom, feeling the impact radiate into his knees, and hid beneath a pergola while Lucy spoke with her father, telling him some lie or another.
Smoke came to Natsu's nose. He twisted and focused on a tall silhouette with a tattoo down one side of his face. Jellal blew a line of smoke in his direction. Natsu twisted back around and went the other way without spitting out one word. Jellal didn't ask him to come back, though Natsu felt his eyes on him the entire way off the Heartfilia property and even onto the road.
He waited for retaliation, his ribs remembered Jellal's goon's kicks, his nose their punches, but he heard nothing, not from Jellal, not from Lucy, and when the hour turned into a day, and the day into a week, he started to relax.
Zeref texted him on Friday night. He was at the Fairy Tail bar and needed a drive home. Natsu was eager to break up the monotony and started the Dakota.
The bar was full, even for a Friday. He walked by a '71 Monte Carlo that was rocking on its suspension and by a group of people passing a joint back and forth.
Before he could even get inside, Fairy Tail's door burst open and Zeref stumbled out with Ultear on his arm. He saw Natsu and grinned hugely. "There he is. Everyone! This is my baby brother. This is my Natsu. He's—" Zeref stumbled over a manhole cover.
"Geez." Natsu grabbed him but was pushed away.
"No." Zeref raised his voice again, speaking to the giggling crowd. "He's better than me. He's better than you." He poked a stranger in the chest. "He's better than, you, too," he said to another. "All of you, you know?" Ultear laughed; Zeref tripped again and Natsu caught him again. He was able to pull him in this time. Zeref asked, "Right?"
"You're drunk."
"Right," Zeref said. "Hey." His voice got suddenly much quieter. "Hey. I have to tell you something. I have to. Come here."
Natsu leaned in. "What?"
Zeref's breath broke over his cheek, reeking of vodka. "I killed someone."
Just like that. Their secret hadn't been uttered beyond the safety of their own walls before and Natsu unexpectedly felt like a rat in a cage. "Let's get into the truck."
"I did it," Zeref repeated. "Not you, right?"
"Shut up."
"Say it. I did it, not you. You need to know that."
"Shut up."
"Say it."
"Yes, okay, fine, you did it." Anything to get him to shut up.
Zeref said, "Don't be like me, Natsu. Gildarts has applications for you. Fill them out. Okay?"
"Come on, into the truck."
Zeref planted his feet. "Okay?"
He was obnoxious when he was drunk. "Okay, okay. I'll fill them out."
"You're good." Zeref patted his chest then seemed to lose interest. He reached behind him for Ultear. "Take me home."
Ultear got back on his side and steered him away from Natsu.
"Hey," Natsu protested.
"I'll make sure he gets home," Ultear said.
He was so out of it, Natsu didn't budge. "Zeref?"
Zeref told him, "Ul said she's taking me home."
"I just came all that way to get you," Natsu griped.
"No pussy on you, though," Ultear said with a laugh that made him think she wasn't the soberer option Zeref thought she was.
"Zeref," Natsu said again, "Come on."
Zeref grabbed Natsu up for a tight, fierce hug. He tapped his cheek hard. "I'm fine." And then they were wandering off. Natsu was watching them go when the door to the Monte Carlo opened and Cana tumbled out. Natsu supposed he should have expected it but it surprised him all the same.
She bounced listlessly for a moment, a buoy in a turbulent sea, then fished her phone out of her pocket and dialed a number. Natsu tried not to listen to her phone call but it was hard once he realized she was leaving a vague message for Gildarts, of all people. She needed to speak to him but that's all he was able to garner.
She hung up her phone and started stumbling toward her bike propped up behind the bar. She wasn't in any condition to drive, but she had every intention of it, taking her keys out of her pocket and best determining how to mount the seat.
"Cana?"
Cana spun around on her heel. Her phone went one way; she went the other. Natsu caught her first, then her phone. "Whoa."
"I'm fine." She backed out of his hold. There wasn't far to go, her butt hit her motorbike. It listed then came back down, heavy enough it wouldn't just topple over.
She was not "What are you doing out here?"
"Going home, obviously."
He suggested, "Let me give you a ride."
"No, thanks."
"You're smashed." Just in case she'd forgotten.
"And what are you doing here? Drinking water?" she bit out.
"I was picking up Zeref but he hitched a ride with Ultear."
Cana's face scrunched up. "Does it bug you?"
"What?" Natsu asked warily.
"That she fucks you when Zeref turns her down but goes back to him when it seems like he'll put out."
There were no mincing words. At first, he was angry, but then he took a look at her glassy eyes and knew it wasn't really her talking. At least, not rational her. "Come on." He took the keys from her hand, figuring that was the only way to get her to move.
"Hey!" Cana followed after him. Natsu was faster, leading her to his truck and opening the passenger's door. He threw the keys inside, an old trick he'd seen Zeref do to their dad more than once. Cana went in after them and Natsu closed the door up behind her, as smoothly as that. He got in the driver's side and got the truck started. Cana told him,
"That was dirty."
"But effective."
"You're an asshole."
"That's the nicest thing I've been called today."
Cana yo-yoed, happy again. "Who's saying mean things to you?"
Natsu gladly admitted, "Lucy. She keeps doing all this crazy shit and…"
Cana said quickly, "I can't give you any advice."
Natsu's exasperation flared. "Yeah, I know your philosophy when things start to go in a direction you're uncomfortable with."
"The fuck is that supposed to mean?"
He asked with a bit of bite, "Is your phone broken? I've been trying to get a hold of you for weeks."
Cana spoke too easily. "I couldn't pay my bill so they took away my plan."
Lies. Lies. Lies. She blocked him on Facebook and Instagram, too, he'd looked. He didn't want to burn any more bridges, though, and put away his frustration. "That's shit."
Cana said, "It's good now, though." And, "Did you ask Zeref's friend about that garage?"
Natsu sighed. "Yeah. He told me to tell you to call him but I couldn't get in contact with you."
She bit her lip and her remorse was obvious. "Is the job gone?"
"I'll talk to him again in the morning."
Natsu was making pancakes when the clock struck twelve and Zeref's door finally opened. He was a fucking mess. Ultear's lips had left bruises on his skin and her fingers had made tangles in his hair. He looked at Natsu, and back at his bedroom, and shook his head, like he couldn't quite believe himself, either. Natsu let him go to the washroom and brush his teeth before peppering him with questions.
While Zeref showered, his door opened again and Ultear came out. she looked pleased with herself, which is how Natsu imagined Ultear always preferred to be. "Hey, Natsu."
"Are you staying for breakfast?"
She shook her head. "I gotta run." She didn't go anywhere, though, hesitating by the door.
"What is it?"
She pulled back her hair into a high ponytail for forced casualness. "Are you still hanging out with Cana?"
"Sometimes, yeah. Why?"
"I heard she fucked her therapist. That old dude that was always trying to get into her pants." She pressed her lips together after like she could compress the secret so it was smaller than the monster it was.
He didn't know what to say. "Why are you telling me this?"
She churned her next words over carefully. "Maybe she needs help? You're friends, right?"
"So were you, I thought."
"Cana's mad at me." She bounced right over the why and said, "So, do with that what you want. I have to go. I'll talk to you later."
He put his whisk back in the sink and Ultear closed the front door. The bathroom opened again and Zeref came out. He was in a fresh pair of jeans and that was all, his toes bare, his middle exposed. "Is she gone?"
"Yeah."
He nodded and started back to his room.
Natsu pushed thoughts of Cana temporarily out of his head. "Did you tell her?"
"About what?"
"The quarry."
Zeref paused with his hand on the door jam. "No. Why the fuck would I do that?"
Because sometimes, you just needed to confess. Ultear was a wealth of gossip and she didn't get that way because people were silent when they were with her. He couldn't rightly ask her, though. He had to focus on Cana again. "Is Cana still good to go?"
"What?"
"Remember? I asked if she could work at the shop?"
He turned his mouth to the right. "Right. That's right. Yeah. August said the job's hers if she wants it."
"In the legit shop, right?"
"Sure, Natsu."
"So I can tell her it's hers?"
"Anything you want."
There was a problem, though. Cana wasn't answering her phone or her texts. Again. He was back to being furious with her.
The day sank away and night brought with it another round of partying. Zeref had fished an ancient Christmas tree out of the dumpster down the road. It was threadbare and ugly and fit their ugly little apartment perfectly. They decorated it with peanut strings and marshmallows and Natsu threw on an ornament he'd made his mother when he was young. He texted her the image, not expecting how sad she'd sound when she called him a moment later to talk. She told him it belonged there, in their house, just like he did.
He hung up just as soon as he was able and tried not to think about it. He went to Gildarts', but didn't stay long, and not because he didn't want to. Gildarts answered the door and he was unshaven, dressed in the same uniform he'd worn to work hours before, and he reeked of rum.
He looked at Natsu with bleary eyes. "The Bunkie's open."
"I thought we could play Mario Cart."
"I'm tired, Natsu."
Gildarts started to close the door. Natsu caught it. "Are you okay?"
Gildarts looked irritated for a moment. It went away. "I just got a lot of shit on my mind, okay?"
"You want to talk about it?" He was used to playing adult with his parents, it was weird with Gildarts.
"Nah. Just go get some sleep." Gildarts closed the door on him. Natsu stared at the barrier, then back at the Bunkie. He didn't really want to hang out by himself, though, so he returned to the movie store. The party was still going. Someone was passing around a bong while they watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Natsu watched as much of it as he could until it felt too real, then he went to bed.
Sleep was fitful and sometime around five, his phone rang and brought him wide awake. He didn't have to look at the screen to know it was Lucy.
He ignored the first call.
The second one, too.
The third one made him feel uneasy. He answered and Lucy spewed anxiety in his ear. He got bits and pieces out of her. Cana. Cana was in trouble. Cana was at her house. Cana was frozen and high on something. Lucy said White China, but it was China White. Heroin. Heroin. Heroin.
"Is she breathing?"
"Yeah." And then there was a great pause as Lucy tried to substantiate her claim. "Yes. Yes, she's breathing."
That didn't mean much. Breathing could change quickly. "I'm coming over."
"You are?"
"Keep your eye on her." He hung up and started to get dressed. His door opened; Zeref was there in a pair of shorts and nothing else; he'd been sleeping.
"Where are you going?"
"Cana's in trouble."
"So where are you going?"
"She's at Lucy's."
"You can't go there."
"I have to." Natsu pulled a sweater over his head and pushed his way out past Zeref. Zeref followed him.
"Natsu!"
"I'm not going for long, I'm just going to pick her up and take her home."
"Let someone else do it," Zeref said, and Natsu responded with,
"She doesn't have anyone else." If she did, she wouldn't be at Lucy's.
"Just hang on then." Zeref disappeared into his room. Natsu's phone sang with a text, Lucy telling him that Cana was awake but sick. He ditched his brother; he was taking too long.
The roads were snowy and he had to go slow. More than once, the Dakota slipped through a red light and horns blared at him. His phone kept ringing. He glanced at it. It was always Zeref. Phone calls wouldn't work so Zeref started labouring his phone with texts. Natsu glanced at the first one that read get home now, and then ignored the rest.
Lucy's driveway was empty. He didn't know about the garage but he didn't care. Cold air lashed his cheeks and hurt his lungs. His boots left tread marks in the thin snow that had blown over on her walkway.
The door burst open before he could even get to it and Cana exploded out, dressed in Lucy's clothes. They fit her badly; Lucy was fuller everywhere. Her hair was a wet tangle and her cheeks were a hectic colour of red, but aside from that, she was pale. Lucy was behind her, arms clutched over her middle and her mouth set in a scared and unsatisfied line.
"Hey," Natsu started. "You're up—"
Cana interrupted. "Take me home?" Natsu looked at Lucy standing in her doorway, trying to read her and what she thought of this whole debacle. Cana broke the moment before he could decide. "Yes or no?"
"Yeah," he said eventually. "Yeah, I'll drive you home."
It's been a long time since I've had a review that rubbed me the wrong way and honestly, I'm shocked that I haven't gotten one sooner on this story. I will be blunt because I don't have it in me to be any other way. I don't care if you don't like Cana. I don't care if you don't like Natsu. Stop reading if it makes you twitch. Lord knows, I'm writing it for my own entertainment.
