This is love.
This is love.
This is
This is love in the modern day, the modern way
Johnny Cash was playing through the truck speaker, telling Natsu,
I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
(He did not.)
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
(Almost never.)
(Because you're mine, I walk the line)
The opposite, in fact, but Johnny Cash was old. Things were different back then when men did crazy shit for girls they could take home to their beds. He let him have that one.
The song got almost all the way to the end before Natsu asked Cana, "What were you doing there?"
Cana remained looking out the window. Her breath was fogging and freezing on the glass. "I got turned around last night."
"And just happened to show up at Lucy's?" For what purpose? To try to hook up with her again? To try to hurt her some more? He didn't think Cana was that kind of girl but honestly, his thoughts were all over because he had no idea.
Cana worked fast to reassure him. "I didn't intend on it. I just met this girl, she was fucking weird. I knew she was weird but I thought… I don't know what I thought. I needed to get away from her, though, and I ended up wandering around without my coat and Lucy found me."
She tucked her hair behind her ear and Natsu saw the shiner surrounding her eye. She caught him looking and tried to hide it again. He reached over and pulled her hair back; she didn't resist that hard. It wasn't bad, really, but she looked upset about it. He let his hand drop. "Does it hurt?"
"It doesn't feel good."
Natsu put both hands on the steering wheel again so he could take a left at the lights. "What was that all about?"
"I don't know," Cana said. "She was fine and then she wasn't."
Yeah, he got that. Zeref was like that all the time. "I meant, why were you snorting China White off the bar with some crazy chick?"
"Just had a bad day."
He wanted to snort his bad days away. Smoke them away. Fucking shoot them away.
He took a steadying breath.
Cana's building came into view. She sat up straight like she'd been jabbed and said, "Can you help me pick up my bike from Fairy Tail?"
"Right now?" Natsu asked. He could almost see her apartment; they were so close.
"The roads are too sloppy to drive it home," she said quickly. Something was making her uncomfortable. Natsu tried to figure out what, exactly, but couldn't spot it. He continued driving.
"Thanks a million." Cana visibly relaxed. The Eurythmics' Sweet Dreams replaced Johnny Cash.
Natsu was afraid if he let silence come between them, he'd never be able to dispel it. "I tried calling you yesterday."
She glanced his way. "I left my phone at home."
"The job is yours if you want it. Zeref's friend's waiting on an answer." She sighed and pulled one leg up to her chest, wrapping her arm around it. That was not the response he was expecting. "What's that mean?"
"That means I don't know."
Natsu repeated, "You don't know?"
She pushed her damp hair back from her cheeks. "Things are really messed up for me right now."
"So this'll be an opportunity to change that." He sounded like Gildarts and he didn't know how he felt about it. He was a hypocrite.
Cana plucked at Lucy's clothes thoughtfully, like maybe she believed his charade and thought she, too, could try something other than self-destruction once in a while. "When does he want me to start?"
"Tomorrow," Natsu said. "Seven."
"In the morning?"
"That's what time garages usually open up, right?"
"Yeah."
"Okay?"
"Yeah."
"For real, Cana, if I'm going to tell this guy you'll show up, you have to show."
"Yeah," she said with more authority. "Yes, I'll be there."
He couldn't get himself on track but getting Cana there was almost just as rewarding.
Natsu pulled up next to her bike in Fairy Tail's parking lot. They got into the back together and strapped it down. It wasn't great. A fast turn and it'd be on its side. "I'll drive slow."
Cana didn't seem to care very much. She got back into the passenger's seat and started drawing on his window; nothing great, a shark and then a dick. Both were crudely constructed.
There was a note on Cana's door when they arrived. Natsu took the liberty of reading it because he recognized Gildarts' handwriting. It was short and sweet, saying, Call me, Cana. -Gildarts
He was worried for her all over again. "Did you get yourself into trouble last night?"
"Someone said they were going to call the cops," Cana said, though he could tell it was unrelated. When the cops wanted you, they didn't leave personal notes on your door.
"Last night when I went by his place, Gildarts was smashed and you're usually fucked up but you've been acting like it's Armageddon. What's going on?"
"Nothing." Cana opened her door and entered her apartment with authority. Natsu followed her.
"Bullshit, nothing. Did something happen?" He thought of Ultear and though he didn't want to say it, he asked, "Like what happened with that therapist?"
Cana reeled on him. "God. No. What the fuck is wrong with you and where did you even hear that from?"
Ultear wouldn't appreciate a namedrop, even if she was trying to help Cana. He lied. "Small town." Cana threw her stuff down on the table and would have stormed away but Natsu caught her arm. "If that's not it then talk to me, Cana, tell me what's going on."
Cana looked at him. Looked, really looked, and whatever she saw in his face made her eyes well up and her throat close; she could only make a strangled noise. She tried to turn away from him; he took her by the shoulders and brought her right back in. She hardly resisted after that, sobbing herself hoarse. He got her to the couch and eventually, her tears turned into something manageable.
There was a crinkled tissue in his pocket; he handed it over and prodded again, "Tell me what happened."
The truth spilled out of her like water gushing from a cistern. Cana's sudden interest in Gildarts Clive made sense, though it was hard to believe that Gildarts was the cause of her angst, and harder to believe that the wife he thought could not get pregnant had done just that days before leaving.
That was why it seemed like Cana sometimes hated him, Natsu. And that was at least part of the reason why one of her favourite things to do was ignore his calls. She was jealous of their relationship.
He could only say, "Wow," at the end of it all.
Cana said, "He hates me."
"He probably doesn't hate you." He didn't think Gildarts really hated anyone.
"You didn't see him just walk out yesterday."
Natsu reasoned, "Why would he leave you that note then?"
"Probably to tell me that I'm eighteen and not his problem and to fuck off."
"Gildarts isn't like that." Not Gildarts who was going out of his way to look up colleges and programs and opening up his Bunkie to fucked up kids with fucked up families who couldn't help but keep fucking up. Gildarts was good.
Cana didn't know that, though. She hadn't had the chance.
Natsu took his boots off and sat back on the couch, bringing Cana along, too. He flipped on Teletoon Retro because that's what sober Natsu, the old Natsu, liked to do when everything was a bit too heavy.
The Jetsons were playing. Cana watched the screen with a blank expression. They didn't speak and eventually, her eyelids got heavy and she fell asleep against his side. Natsu kept watching and watching, trying to remember the person he was before all of this, before the beatings and the bodies and the drugs. He used to know himself.
Someone tapped on the door, and again. Natsu tried to think of a way to get up without disturbing Cana, but it was too late, her eyes were open and she was slowly catching up with the world. He got out from beneath her; his arm was numb and tingly. He used his other hand to open the door.
Gildarts was there, still unshaven but it looked like he'd brushed his hair before pulling it all back in a low horsetail. It was snowing again, there was white powder all over his shoulders and on the tips of his boots.
"Hey, Natsu," Gildarts said in a subdued voice. He only had eyes for Cana, though. He said, "Careful in the storm. Text me when you get home."
That was for the best. Natsu came back to the couch and grabbed his boots. "I'll talk to you later, Cana."
Cana wasn't in a place to answer. Natsu closed the door behind himself. Cold winter air swept his hair back from his forehead and cut through his sweater. The Dakota took a few minutes to warm up; he was pulling into his parking lot by the time the air was anything other than cold. His apartment was better. Warm air chased the chill from his skin. He dropped the keys on the table. The bathroom door opened and Zeref stepped into the living room. Natsu expected him to look furious but Zeref looked strained.
Natsu led with, "I'm fine," because he hadn't even checked his phone since he picked up Cana, not to text Zeref that he was okay, and not to check his missed calls.
"You should have listened to me."
He went for flippant. "No one was even there. I brought Cana home and that was that. But I've got a crazy story for you. You're not going to believe it. Gildarts is her dad and—"
"Natsu." Zeref was totally serious. The kind of serious he was when he told Natsu he was leaving their parents' house. Natsu's story felt to the wayside.
"What?"
"The police were here."
Natsu felt his stomach fill with cement. "Why?"
"They wanted to ask some questions. They said someone gave them an anonymous tip; they said they saw us putting something body-like in the Dakota around the time that guy went missing."
Natsu got black spots in his vision. He took in a deep breath and tried to think. Think. Think. Law School Lucy would say… "Is that all?"
"Isn't that enough?"
"That's a loose thread."
"But it's a fucking thread," Zeref said.
"They can't prove anything."
"Not yet."
"Not ever. They don't have anything."
"But they're looking." Zeref's jaw was vice-tight.
"Should we leave town?" Natsu asked.
"If we split, they'll think we're guilty."
"We are guilty."
"I'm guilty," he corrected. "If we want to keep up appearances, we have to stay and act like nothing's different."
They were both guilty but Zeref was never in a listening mood. "What if they come back?"
Zeref's knuckles got tight. "I'll take care of it."
"How?" The last time he took care of something, a man died.
Zeref shoved his hands through his hair. "Just leave it for now. If anyone comes to talk to you, tell them you were out that night."
"I was. I was at Mom and Dad's."
"Good. Good." Zeref's thoughts visibly churned. "Mom will cover for you. Dad probably doesn't even remember."
"What about you?"
Zeref got quiet. "I'll figure it out."
"How?" Natsu repeated. He felt like he was small again and everything was spiraling hopelessly out of control.
"I just will." Zeref changed the subject abruptly. "Did you eat?"
"No."
"There's cinnamon toast."
He couldn't eat, though, couldn't even think about it. "No, thanks."
Zeref looked supremely disappointed, like taking care of Natsu provided some kind of control he didn't understand. "What are you doing then?"
"Going back to bed," Natsu said after a moment. It wasn't that early anymore, eleven, but he'd had barely any sleep and he felt fuzzy.
"Did you look at any more of those applications Gildarts gave you?"
Natsu leaned against his door jam. "Are you fucking kidding me?"
"No."
Of course not. Natsu strived to put it into perspective for him. "We're talking about alibis, Zeref, for the body we buried together, and you're wondering if I'm applying to Police Foundations?"
"There were other packages," Zeref said. "You like helping people so much. There were EMS and social worker and—"
Natsu waved his hand at him and tried to disappear into his room.
"Natsu." Zeref's voice was like a live wire, delivering a shock to his system. Natsu turned back around and Zeref said, "You promised me you'd apply."
He didn't think Zeref was sober enough to remember. "That was just something I said to get you in the truck."
"A promise is a promise," Zeref maintained.
A promise was a promise. He heaved a huge sigh. "If we don't both end up in jail, I'll look at them."
"Good."
Natsu inched away. Zeref didn't call him back so he closed his door, locking himself in his room without the lights on. With the curtains drawn, he thought he'd be able to fool himself into going back to sleep but he was anxious and anxious Natsu was a sleepless Natsu.
He heard Zeref moving around in the living room, cleaning, and then he heard the front door open and close. The apartment was deadly still after that.
Now that he was alone without any other sound to distract him, Natsu thought about the living room and the blood he's mopped up. (Was it good enough?) He thought about the evidence he'd flushed away, (was it gone?) and the feeling of the thicker-than-water fluid on his fingers, (nothing felt like blood did) making his skin slippery and filling his nose with the smell of iron (he'd never forget.).
The walls felt like they were closing down around him. He was claustrophobic. He couldn't breathe.
He had to get out of there.
He dressed haphazardly, getting into jeans and just a sweater. He put on his boots without socks and broke into the cold.
Snow crunched beneath his feet and the air made icy pricks in his lungs. He breathed shallowly and walked quickly, past the movie store and the low-income houses, past the mansion monasteries on the opposite side of the road, past where the sidewalk stopped and pedestrians needed to take their chances on the side of the road with all the cars flying down Lake Drive though the speed limit was posted forty and the roads were slippery.
Natsu walked past a woman walking her shepherd. The dog wagged its tail at Natsu and its tongue lolled out. He was glad at least one of them was having a good time. His thoughts were all over the place, thinking about Cana and Gildarts, and about Wally, and about Zeref and always Lucy; there was very little room for smiles. He tried one anyway. It wasn't really his smile, but it was something.
He was alone again. Two cars passed him, one BMW, one Cadillac. Both were familiar. He touched his phone in his pocket, wondering if Lucy would text him or if she was even in those cars.
His phone vibrated in his hand. He took it out; it wasn't Lucy but Zeref. There's money in my room. In the piggy bank. It was ridiculous to think that Zeref kept a piggy bank. Natsu had known his brother for his entire life and he still was astounded by the juxtaposition.
Natsu wrote, So what?
And Zeref replied, It's yours.
Natsu stared at those words. Yours. His fingers hovered over the keys. Finally, he decided to ask, Why would it be mine? And, how much money?
Zeref's only response was, Stay out of trouble.
Why would I need to stay out of trouble?
Three minutes passed; it felt like an eternity. Natsu called him. It went straight to voicemail. HELLO.
Nothing.
He was pulling up Ultear's number to call her when a smear of white distracted him. A van was slowing down beside him, almost to a crawl. Slush splashed up from its tires and soaked into Natsu's work boots.
"Motherfucker," he swore and took a step back. The van's door slid open on rusty rollers and two sets of hands popped out. They grabbed him by the shoulders and yanked. Natsu was too surprised to thrash. He hit the bottom of the van and the wind was temporarily knocked out of him. He gasped and pushed back bodies; men with masks over their faces, absurd ones, like Porky Pig and Donald Duck. Donald smiled but it was like a ghost was looking out at him, his eyes were so lifeless and dark.
Natsu pushed up on his elbows; his mouth was open to say something; he didn't know what. He didn't get a word in edgewise. His head was clubbed with a short beating stick, the kind a person would use on a fish, and his vision went dark.
Next chapter is the last chapter. Au revoir.
P.S. aside from my snarky response earlier, I've been real shit at getting back to reviewers. Know, please, that I appreciate you reading and leaving me your thoughts. You're stars-in-the-sky special.
