26 years earlier, the spring of Ansei 3rd.
Chapter 1. It's not funny anymore
The boy was wandering towards the mountain again.
Mother used to yell at him for doing so.
He hadn't listened all that much. The mountain was a forbidden place, thus making it an interesting place in his mind. A new place. And like all little boys, he liked new things. Especially forbidden things.
Things his mother used to yell at him for liking.
Such as frogs.
Mud.
Nettles.
He kicked the ground idly. He squeezed his fist tight in helpless anger, trying to avoid the memories – but like the inevitable summer rains, they came and swept him over.
His brothers had liked those things, too. The three of them used to play in the mud together and come home filthy. Mother would yell at them for doing so. Father, though, would just shake his head and tell her to let the boys be boys while they were still too little to help out in the field.
Then his eldest brother became old enough to be useful.
And only two boys were left to entertain themselves with the meager things they could forage near the house. Those odd findings were then used to build whatever was needed to make the imaginary games more real.
After the harshest winter was over, mother got fat again. Father happily told them that soon they would have another sibling to play with.
But at the early spring season… mother got sick and the baby died before being born.
The boy didn't understand all that much—but he was sad all the same, because mother was sad. And father, too. It was not easy to play when everybody in the house was sad.
But not a moon after the baby had died, mother got sick again. She puked the food up right at the dinner table! His second eldest brother joked that it was because the food was so bad and she, too, had finally realized that. It was a pretty mean thing to say, the boy thought. But all three brothers laughed. It was kinda funny… even though the barfing was disgusting.
However, when mother couldn't keep any food in her stomach at all... it got scary.
Father told the brothers to go to sleep. But he had a wild look in his eyes, and as mother didn't get any better, he put on his coat and went to find the doctor. By this time, it was becoming clear to the boys that there was something wrong with mother. Something really, really wrong. The eldest brother went to help her. She needed someone to hold her up while she barfed. Mother said she was thirsty. The second eldest brother went to get some water from the well and the boy followed him. It was kinda exciting to be up so late… the very first time he was allowed to do so! But, but… mother was so sick, she was sweating and pale – it didn't feel like he should be happy about anything. Guiltily, the boy glanced at the second brother, whose eyes were glazed with barely concealed tears.
Mother was moaning, too tired to speak reassuring and calming words at them and tried to reach for more water. He kept filling her mug, but it seemed useless—she couldn't keep anything down… The little she could drink, she was puking up right after.
It wasn't funny. It had ceased to be funny a long time ago. There was something squeezing the boy's throat and he felt helpless – there was nothing he could do to help.
The night just continued.
Then father came home with old Ine-sama. The old lady took one look at mother and yelled. She said really bad things and something like "cholera". The boy didn't know what that meant, but it sounded like something he was not supposed to say. Then old Ine-sama took a good look at the boys and told them to get outside and take a wash at the well. And wash the clothes, too. She was really scary. So they did it, even though the well water was cold and it was the middle of the night, and they had no other clothes to change into.
Father came to tell them that they couldn't come in. So, he gave the boys blankets and said to find a good dry spot to sleep in. It was near summer so it was not cold, really. The three of them settled down under a maple tree and made camp.
It was hard to fall asleep. One could hear grasshoppers, birds… the sounds of the wildlife that lived near the mountain. The boy kept staring at the sky and listening to the sleepy snuffling of his brothers. The moon was large and pretty. But he was scared; of the nature's odd sounds, of the dark and for mother. He knew that it was not nice to be without food in his stomach. They all knew it, they had gone hungry before.
And mother had looked so sick.
It was too much, he had never been so afraid… the tears started falling and he hiccupped. He buried his face in the blanket, desperately trying to stay silent. If his brothers would wake, they would call him a crybaby again and he wasn't. He really wasn't.
He was a big boy and big boys didn't cry.
The next morning, the brothers woke up far later than usual.
Why hadn't father come to wake them up early? He always told them not to waste sunlight by sleeping late, and came to wake the three of them every morning at dawn.
The boy rubbed his eyes.
Yawned.
Oh, there was father, but he looked really bad. Dark smudges colored the skin under his eyes, his face was drawn tight with tension and even his fists were clenched shut. There was this odd dropping feeling in the boy's stomach, and he didn't need to hear the words to know that mother wasn't any better. When father told them that they couldn't come in yet… not a single one of the three protested at it.
They made scarce and tried to set up a game to pass the time at the back of the house. The faint whimpers and moans and labored breathing trickled through the cracks of the wall, and it was impossible to see the cones with sticks as horses and weaved pieces of grass as Samurai, or the mud and stones as castles.
Not long after the midday, there was silence.
They didn't need to hear father's loud cry and fists pounding on the floor to know that something was wrong.
That night – they all cried. Even father.
They slept outside all week. It was not exciting anymore. It was cold and clammy.
And still scary.
Then Old Ine-sama said that if they cleaned up the house real good, they could come sleep inside.
It took a lot of work, but they were able to move back into the house the very next day.
However, there were things that the boy didn't understand. Why was mother not waking up? If he puked enough like mother had done, would he, too, fall asleep forever? The boy was confused, but everyone around him was so sad and angry that it took him a while to dare to ask about it all.
When he finally did, father sighed, rubbed his eyes clear with his palms and then told him about death. How the god gave them the time with the living, but one couldn't know how long that was, so every day should be spent well… and how after death, they would go to a better place if they had been good enough.
It didn't make much sense, but the boy decided with fierce pride that mother definitely had been good enough.
No matter how little he understood, the boy didn't want to bother father any more about it and even his brothers were so distant… So, he stayed silent and thought about it all – just listening and watching his family relentlessly to make sure not a single one of them puked in secret, or did anything else suspicious.
He didn't want to be alone.
Thus, he became a pest glued to his father's or either of his brother's sides.
At the evening meal of one early summer night, the second brother puked. For a second, the boy didn't know if he was awake or asleep, because surely it was just another of the bad dreams he had been having all these weeks…
But the chill fear in his brother's eyes and the sweat gathering on his brow were so real, so much more real than anything the boy could dream on his own, and reflexively he tried to touch the second brother's clammy skin. His reaching arm was swept away angrily… but the tiniest of touch had been enough. He started to shake and the tears were swelling in his eyes. He couldn't hear anything, not even father's yelling. There was something lodging at the back of his throat that made it impossible to protest when he was pushed aside, and father reached to help his sick son.
Then eldest brother was shaking him and yelling at him, and the only words he could make out of it all were "run" and "doctor" and he understood… and made a mad dash through the darkening summer night to the village, and to the old Ine-sama's hut. He banged on the door as hard as he could, but the one opening it wasn't the wrinkly weather parched face of the village doctor, but instead her daughter. She had a huge stomach and she, too, looked tired and busy – and not alone. Faint moaning of sick people in the hut could be heard from the door, and she told the boy that a lot of other people were sick, and the village doctor couldn't come to help yet. So in the meanwhile, he should help the sick to drink as much as they could.
So the boy had to go back alone… without anything to help. Even the advice was useless. What use was it to give water for the sick when they couldn't keep it down?
At home it was exactly as bad as he had feared, and father yelled at him because he couldn't bring any help. Eldest brother had fetched the water already. For some reason, the boy felt betrayed. He couldn't help. He was useless. So he went to sit by the wall, so that he wouldn't be in father's way – it was the only thing he could do.
Anxiously, they waited for the doctor.
It was nearing bedtime when the eldest brother got sick, too. And not long after… even father.
And suddenly the boy was the only one capable of fetching the water.
It didn't make him feel any better.
That night the boy did everything he could to help his family. They all were thirsty. They all needed to go to the outhouse, but they were too tired to do it on their own, and the boy was too small to help them go there. So he fetched them all buckets. Well, the family only had two buckets, so the eldest brother got the soup kettle.
The smell was really bad.
The boy was really too small to be of much help, but he tried. The constant whimpering, moaning and crying was horrible, and it smelt worse inside their home than the outhouse during last summer's heat wave. The knowledge that it was his only remaining family making it was the scariest and most upsetting part of it all.
When it was too much, he went to cry outside so that his brothers wouldn't see. He really was a big boy already and big boys didn't cry. It took a while to calm down a bit, and when he did, he could hear a higher voice – screaming. He didn't need to listen to know what it was about, the meaning was clear from second brother's creaking voice. "I don't want to die!"
At that moment the boy understood what "death" meant and hated it.
Anything he could do was useless, he finally realized. Even with the old Ine-sama's help not a moon ago – mother had died just like this. But doing nothing would be worse, so he went inside and helped them all to drink. And puke.
It was during the early morning that the noise got quiet and the second brother didn't cry anymore. The boy didn't know what to do.
Someone threw the door open.
It was the old Ine-sama.
She said a really bad word. Then she yelled at him to get outside and take a bath and wash his clothes, too. The boy did so even though he knew it wouldn't help any. Afterwards, he sat down to wait near the door in his wet clothes, curling into a tight ball to keep warm.
Somehow, he fell asleep.
When old Ine-sama shook him awake; he was not surprised to hear that his brothers were dead.
The old doctor let him in the hut so he could talk to his father a bit. Father said that he was dying, too. The boy knew that already, but was too tired to react anymore. For some reason, at that moment, the most memorable thing was the smell. At least the tortured noise was gone. But… somehow the silence was even more horrible.
And looking at his father's dim eyes and gaunt pale face – it seemed like the life was trickling away from the lively and invincible form of his father, who had been always there. Suddenly, the boy realized that he would be alone. Just like in his nightmares.
Tears started to fall down his cheek but that was impossible, surely there were no tears left… and the large hand of his father swept the trickle from his cheek, and the hoarse voice whispered, "Shinta – don't cry, big boys don't cry, eh? And – now… you have to be a big boy no matter what, because you will be alone. And small boys can't make it."
And the boy could do nothing but to nod and rub his eyes clean. The snot was oozing from his nose and he tried to inhale all of it back in, but couldn't real well, so he wiped it with his sleeve.
Then father told him that he could live with old Ine-sama if he was helpful, and that the boy had to listen to the old doctor and do exactly as he was told. The labored words seemed to etch into his mind, and when father asked him to swear to obey the old Ine-sama, he did.
Now that he was living with old Ine-sama, life was not exactly bad. In the corner of her hut, he had a place to sleep and he got to eat every day. But the old doctor didn't look at him or speak to him. Actually, old Ine-sama seemed happier if he was not near her. So he had a lot free time.
And nothing to do.
Perhaps it was inevitable that he took to wandering. First it was at the village, but soon it became the outskirts. He learned to stay away from the villagers, because no one seemed to talk to him. People would stare at him and whisper to each other. The boy would hear words like "demon", "foreigner" and "bad luck", and he thought that those words meant him. Before the sickness, people had occasionally said those things, too, but they hadn't sounded so scary. Or maybe it was because the boy had never been alone before.
It felt bad being in the village. So he wasn't.
Slowly, the boy gravitated towards the mountain. He had always wanted to go there—still did. "It is dangerous, you could get lost or hurt," mother had said and forbidden all the brothers for going there.
But now, no one yelled at him for going farther, for staying out too long. No one cared where he went. For some reason, that felt worse than anything else. It wasn't that he had liked when people yelled at him, but now that there was no mother to…
The boy sniffled, and rubbed the wetness from his eyes. He didn't look around and pointedly tried not to hear the whispers. He didn't want to be in the village. Or in the old Ine-sama's house where he was lonely near the people, who would stare but never speak to him.
Where he was not wanted.
Perhaps it was curiosity or just the need to escape that only a few weeks later he finally found the courage to wander into the forest covering the mountain slope.
He soon found out that it was easier to be in the forest, alone. The trees and critters, bugs and birds didn't stare at him. Well, they did but it was of the good sort – not the isolating looks and mutterings. Sometimes he would get lost in the woods, and it took him a long time to find his way back again. But he found really interesting things. Like weird mushrooms. Roots. Cones. Frog spawn. And worms.
Old Ine-sama didn't care where he had been, as long as he and his clothes were clean when he came back.
So, a routine was born.
One day he wandered to the east side of the mountain. The forest was thicker there, so he hadn't dared to go that way before. After some stumbles, interesting finds and mindless turns and countless steps, he found a big carved stone standing alone in a small clearing.
It was a really ugly stone.
It had carved lines like fangs and claws—and really ugly round eyes. He didn't know what it was supposed to be, but it was really, really interesting. He had never seen anything like it before. He liked it.
So of course, he touched it.
It felt oddly cold to touch. Little hairs in the back of his neck stood up. It felt funny.
He laughed.
"I really like you!" There was no reason but that it was the first time the boy had laughed since the sickness came.
The stone didn't answer. The boy wasn't surprised. He had never heard a stone talk, after all. But the coldness of the carved stone didn't feel nearly as harsh after that. Maybe it was because the stone had eyes and something like a face that the boy sat down and started to chatter to the stone.
He was late to old Ine-sama's house that evening. So late, that the old lady remarked on it. It felt really good to be noticed. Usually Old Ine-sama didn't talk to him.
Maybe it meant that it was okay to stay away longer?
So he did.
After that, it was no wonder that the boy took to wandering to the stone often.
Being near it gave him funny feelings. And even though the stone was ugly, it wasn't scary anymore. Far from it – actually, it felt like it was something special, like it was his. Something that no one could take from him. That no one knew that he even had. Like a special friend.
And like his brothers, who had been his only friends before, the boy talked to the stone.
He told it this and that, idle observations and thoughts, of his dreams and fears, complaints—of everything, really. He told the stone these things that were on his mind, about which he could talk to no one else. And some other things, too. The boy just liked talking to someone that would listen to him no matter what.
"No one likes me in the village. They say I am too small to be of use."
"Sometimes they call me bad luck. I don't know how I could change luck. But maybe I am bad luck because everyone but me died."
"We don't have much to eat. The harvest was good, Old Ine-sama told her daughter and I heard it. But she said that our lord Daimyo needs the rice, too, and we have to give it to him for taxes. I don't know what those are, but if the lord is hungry, we should share. Mother used to tell me to share food with my brothers when we had little. But does he need all of our rice? Because now we have been eating bark and roots, too. Those taste bad."
"I miss my brothers and mother. And father, too."
"Old Ine-sama's grandson told me today that I am ugly because of my hair. And my eyes. I know that they are different but is different always ugly? I like red."
So the days went.
"Old Ine-sama told me that traders are coming soon, and when they come, I will be going with them. I don't know why, but Ine-sama told me it was because the village has no food to spare for me. But traders would and I would live better if I went with them."
"I am scared of leaving. I don't want to leave you either."
"…so don't."
At first the boy thought he had only imagined the sound. Stones couldn't speak. But who else could it have been? Scared, he swiftly looked around but the clearing was empty, and the forest surrounding it didn't show anyone else. Still wary, he started to yell at the woods, told the voice to show themselves.
No one came.
After some mad scrambling around and causing ruckus, he finally calmed down and sat next to the stone. He felt a little bit silly for his actions, letting out a faint embarrassed giggle. It didn't lessen the funny feeling that he wasn't alone. He laid his hand down on the stone to check he that wasn't dreaming, and suddenly the coldness was back! The boy shivered, and all the little hairs on his skin stood up.
"I could come with you."
This time it was obvious that it was his stone that was speaking. The voice was quiet, like a whisper but not quite. Maybe it was just the boy, but the voice sounded really hesitant and lonely. And because of that… the boy, instead of getting scared like before, just wasn't anymore… it was his stone. His friend. So he laughed, delighted that he was being talked to.
Now his stone was almost like a real friend!
"I want to take you with me," the boy told the stone. But then he frowned… "You are heavy. How could I carry you?"
"I am not the stone. I only live in the stone."
"…oh." Of course, that made more sense than speaking stones… but if his friend was living in the ugly stone— "Could you live in something smaller?" the boy asked, his mind whirling. What could he carry, where could his friend live if not in the stone? There were smaller stones but they were not good ones, and his friend's house should be something different, have a meaning to it.
"Not something smaller. It needs to be something special."
The boy didn't answer. Of course his friend's house would need to be something special. A wave of terror rode over him; he couldn't think of anything suitable. What if he had to leave his only friend behind? He wasn't strong enough to carry the stone! And nothing around seemed right—it needed to be special, but maybe he could find something good that could walk on its own…
"Could you live inside a living thing?" the boy asked, half afraid of what it would mean, but the idea was already taking hold.
"…yes."
The boy swallowed. He wouldn't leave his friend, no matter what, but the only special thing he could carry that was large enough—
"Come live inside me, then."
"Yes."
The coldness rose from the stone, flowed where his hand still touched it… and started to flood inside him. It didn't feel funny anymore. It didn't feel good at all. His hand was freezing. But he couldn't let go, couldn't leave his friend behind. The coldness continued to spread inside him, and it hurt. It was worse than being pushed into snow and getting stuck under his brother's snow castle when it had collapsed last winter—and it didn't stop, it didn't stop –
Then he didn't feel anything at all.
When the boy woke up, it was dark. Groggily, he rubbed his eyes, trying to clear his vision… and yawned. It didn't help much. The forest around him was scarily silent... He couldn't hear a thing over his loudly thundering heart. The shivers started to dance on his skin when he realized that it was night and he was alone at the mountain. No one knew where he was…
He had never been so far from the village at night.
Could he find his way back?
And what would Ine-sama say of him for being so late? Maybe she would yell at him… Yes, she would definitely notice him then. Cheered, he started to calm down and finally managed to hear the sounds of the forest; leaves rustled in the faint wind, there was hooting of the owls, the critters' scrabbling and the bugs were buzzing and whirring.
He wasn't too scared of the sounds anymore, even though he was alone on the mountain and far away from the village. After all, no animal had ever tried to hurt him. If he made enough noise, the wildlife steered well away, in his experience. Dark forest wasn't so bad. He had been coming here for weeks, and he knew his way back. Kinda. He was pretty sure he knew it. But the forest looked different in the dark. Had that tree been there before?
The path among the bamboo trees was slippery. The boy fell down time and time again, and soon his knees and hands were full of scratches and bruises. Ow. He didn't cry, though, because he was a big boy now and big boys didn't cry. But in the darkness, the doubts kept constantly creeping back into his mind. What if he didn't find his way home?
He swallowed.
Don't think about it.
However slow going it was, the boy started finding his balance and his eyes adjusted to the darkness… and then he didn't fall so often. The moonlight gave him some direction, too. Just find a way down the slope. The village was on the way down, he knew, because coming here he always had to climb up.
Little by little, the forest started to grow more familiar… and then he saw the huts in the distance. It was near morning, and faint light from the rising sun had started to lick the tree tops at the eastern slope of the mountain behind him.
He laughed in sheer relief; he had found his way back!
The rising light made his sorry state clear and he cringed guiltily. Ine-sama would be so mad. But maybe it wouldn't be so bad if he washed up first? Before, the doctor didn't care as long as he and his clothes were clean...
"You are late, boy," called Ine-sama's croaky voice when he slipped inside in his damp clothes. She did sound angry. He froze like a stunned rabbit, and he coward in preparation of a tongue lashing, but a part of him was eagerly waiting for it. Someone would notice him. A person would see him and talk to him. He wouldn't be a lonely ghost in her house, just for tiny moment. Because being yelled at meant that someone cared.
But when the ruckus didn't start, he hesitantly opened his eyes.
Old Ine-sama wasn't alone.
There was a man in the hut, too, one that he didn't know. The stranger was tall and hairy in the face. It reminded the boy a little bit of father in the mornings when he had came home late smelling funny. But this man's facial hair was dark and long; it made him look scary.
"This is the boy?"
"Yes. An orphan. Will he do?"
The man nodded faintly, frowned… "Survivor of the epidemic?"
"Aa."
"Looks somewhat sorry. I don't take sickly ones," the stranger said and made a motion in his direction.
Old Ine-sama nodded at the scary man, and told the boy to stand up straight.
Then the stranger came to look at him. After an unnerving long look, the man commanded gruffly, "Turn around, kid."
It made shivers run through the boy's back and all the hairs on his skin to stand up. He was about to protest, but Ine-sama looked at him nastily, and the boy couldn't help but to swallow the words and do as he was told. He didn't like it, but the village doctor was scary and father had told him to obey the old Ine-sama.
So he did.
Even when she told him to twirl around for the man, even when he was touched all over. The man tested his thin arms and legs, told him to open his mouth, and it felt like he was being checked for something. Not unheard of; didn't doctors do things like this? But neither of them spoke to him, and it all made it feel distant.
"How old is the boy?"
"Seven summers."
Then it was over, and the boy took a few steps backwards – trying to put some distance between him and the scary man. He didn't make it far before the man nodded and grumbled an agreement, seemingly coming to a decision. It was a deep sound, something alike a bear's, the boy thought.
"How much you want for him?"
"How much are you willing to pay?" Old Ine-sama countered with the same voice she used when haggling for the best price from a vegetable seller.
The boy didn't understand much of their following haggling, but words like "foreign", "young", "training", "Kyoto", "teahouse" and "servitude" were said. He was still wondering over what they were haggling about, because it sounded like they were talking about him… but how could that be? One couldn't sell people, not that the boy knew about.
However, before he could really think it through, the haggling was over, and the man was giving old Ine-sama money. Then the doctor walked to him, took him by the shoulders and looked him in the eyes for the first time since his father's death. Her eyes were dark and her gaze was hard. "Boy. Go with Hideo-san. He will look after you. Do as you are told and you will live an easier life."
With those words, she rose and turned her back on him.
The boy couldn't move. His eyes were wide open, and he was shaking… and couldn't stop it or the following shivers. The realization hit hard. Never before had he felt as lonely as at that moment in the hut with three people in it. Or two, for there were only two adults and apparently only adults were people.
"Come, boy." The scary man Hideo-san called at him with his bear voice.
The boy didn't know what to do. He didn't know the scary man and didn't like him, but father had made him swear to do as old Ine-sama told him.
But she had turned her back on him, denying him her home and protection.
He swallowed.
Then after a brief pause, he followed the man.
Edited first by Chie in 2013, then again 27.3.2015 by BelovedStranger
