Chapter 2. The roles we play
The scary man, Hideo, bought people. He had a few other men that worked for him, but mostly, the boy's travelling companions were girls. All the girls were older than him, but they were really pretty. For some reason, maybe it was because he reminded them of their little brothers, the girls liked him. They would talk to him and look after him. It was like travelling with a lot of older sisters. He had never had any, so it felt quite nice.
With many people looking after him, the boy wasn't quite as lonely and maybe that was the reason why he didn't want to think about the night in the forest when the stone had spoken to him. To be truthful, the boy was becoming quite sure he had dreamed the whole thing. He knew that stones didn't speak and no one lived inside a stone, even a special carved stone.
But if his friend had been real… had it successfully moved into its new home or not? The boy was unsure which option he feared more.
No, don't think about it.
If his friend was real and with him, it would speak to him when it could. After all, moving to a new home could take time, right?
And the boy was tired. Travelling all day long was a new thing. Travelling with a caravan was full of new things. But, oddly, the boy couldn't find a reason to care or to explore like normal. He was just too tired to think. All he could do was to walk and eat and sleep.
He was just too tired worry.
And the boy had quite a lot of worries. Like being owned. Like a kettle. Or a bucket. Actually, though he was scared at first… it wasn't all that bad. It was, on some level, better than living with the old Ine-sama. At least he was being noticed in a good way, mostly. He just needed to do as he was told, which was, "walk there", "follow that girl" or "eat that." Easy things. So the boy learned not to be so afraid.
Maybe everything would turn out well.
The passing days were filled with endless roads, hills, forest and mountains in the horizon, putting one foot in front of another, staring at the dusty or muddy ground. Being alone with his thoughts. He had found out that he really didn't want to talk to the other bought people, because talking led to knowing people, and that led to caring about them.
The boy really didn't want to care for someone he would soon lose.
Even if he was young and didn't understand everything, he did understand that the scary man Hideo didn't buy people for himself. He bought them so that he could sell them again – like the travelling merchant that had come to the village every summer.
The caravan travelled from village to village, all along the autumn season. It was hard work, as they walked from dust to dawn every day, and didn't stop to rest too often. Even in the villages, they didn't linger. The boy's feet grew used to walking and the skin of his soles grew harder. He was not so tired anymore. Sometimes he wondered why there were no other boys among the bought. Or for what purpose they all were bought for. Maybe he should call them slaves, which was the correct word for them, as he had learned from listening into the conversations.
The girls noticed that he didn't speak and didn't think much of it. They still looked after him, always saved him something to eat, saw that he had a dry place to sleep. Sometimes they would brush his hair and wonder why he didn't want to speak. They thought that perhaps he didn't speak the same way as they, because he looked different. The boy let them wonder. He didn't want to care, caring hurt too much.
His friend didn't talk to him either. Maybe his friend didn't like its new home and had left him. Or maybe the boy had imagined the whole thing. After all, no one lived in rocks.
But then the scary man Hideo bought sisters Akane and Sakura… and their friend Kasumi, who was a little bit older.
Kasumi reminded the boy of mother.
It had been months since mother had died. A whole season. But seeing the older girl, Kasumi, who smiled like mother… it made him feel like they all had died just yesterday. And Kasumi saw the boy fighting the tears that were forming in his eyes and she knew. Without a question or explanation, she then took him into her arms, and for the first time since the sickness, the boy cried.
The bond between the three girls was apparent and because Kasumi took the boy in…
Well.
They became sort of like a family.
Kasumi was the mother. Akane and Sakura were the older sisters. The boy was the baby. He didn't have to be a big boy with them. It felt good not having to be the tough one. Kasumi looked after them all, and she was the one they all looked up to.
The boy told them about his family and the sickness and how the old Ine-sama had sold him. It felt good to tell someone how alone and afraid he had been. Kasumi told him that he was a brave boy and that even the big and brave boys were allowed to cry when they were sad. So he did and then he didn't feel quite as bad. As his tears fell, it was as though he was letting the sadness out, too. He told this to the girls, and Kasumi hugged him and told him that he was a wise boy.
With his new-found almost-a-family, living with the slave caravan became easier.
It felt good to talk. It felt good having someone listen to what he said and to answer. Even though the girls didn't always agree with what he said, it was okay. They were older and wiser than him, so of course they knew better.
So when he felt brave enough, he asked them about the things that he didn't understand. How could people be owned? Kasumi answered that only people who worked in red light districts could be owned. The work there was something not many wanted to do, but it paid really well, and therefore, it was agreed that girls could be sold to work for contracts.
It didn't make any sense! Why should only girls be sold? But more importantly, what sort of work was it that only girls were good for it? He didn't know many jobs but the farming, selling, and of course there were Samurai and the doctors…
Kasumi frowned at him, pursed her lips and told him that it was work where one worked to make other people happy. Well, that didn't sound so bad. He liked to make other people happy. It felt really good when people smiled at him, and he knew that it was because he had done well. He told this to the girls. Kasumi just smiled at him and told him what a good boy he was.
But something in that explanation still didn't feel right… If only girls could be sold to that work, why was he there? He was not a girl. Kasumi fell silent at this and it was Akane who answered. "It's because you are pretty like a girl." The boy didn't think so, and told them that. He could never be as pretty as Akane, Sakura and Kasumi.
The girls smiled at him for this. Then Sakura said, "You will be, when you grow older." Before the boy could yell about this latest horror, Kasumi interrupted them. "Girls are worth less than boys to the villages. They are easier to sell."
That couldn't be true. But Kasumi sounded so sure… but it was just wrong.
So, the boy told them about all the people that he knew and respected that were girls. And how, in his experience, all the really scary people were always girls. Like mother, who used to yell a lot at the brothers, making them scared like rabbits. Even father had feared mother when she yelled. Like old Ine-sama, who was so scary that the boy didn't want to spend any time with her. And there was even old Ine-sama's daughter, who was fat and very scary whenever he had seen her.
Akane and Sakura giggled at him for saying this. But Kasumi just looked at him, took him in her arms and told him to never change.
So…
The boy didn't always agree or understand the things his new almost-a-family told him, but it was okay. It was enough that they listened and answered the questions.
One day he dared to ask about carved stones and beings that lived in them. The girls laughed at him and told him that it must have been a spirit. Everything had a spirit in them, and people would honor the spirits and pray to them. Then the boy asked about being friends with spirits, and Kasumi told him that the spirits just listened, they didn't answer. But one could always, always talk to them.
He thought about this the whole evening, and it was when he was trying to fall asleep when he realized that he, too, had just believed and talked to his stone. So, most likely, it was a spirit that lived in the stone.
But could the spirit move to a new house?
This roused an argument between the older sisters the very next day. Akane thought that the spirits could change homes when they needed, whereas Sakura was of the opinion that spirits only lived in their homes and could never leave them. Kasumi didn't offer any opinion at all, just kept silent and stared at the roadside while they walked.
If the spirit had been able to move easily, it should be okay. But, what if the spirit hadn't been able to leave its home? It had hurt the boy when the spirit had switched. Maybe it had hurt the spirit, too?
If so, maybe it just needed time to recover.
The boy bit his lip in worry. Neither of the options reassured him. He kicked the ground glumly. But, what if… it just couldn't answer because I don't talk to it anymore?
It was a moment of realization, and the boy stopped right there on the side of the road. Eyes wide, mouth wide open and his breath hitching as the crumbs of knowledge aligned and started finally to make sense.
Spirits lived in things and people talked to them. Maybe they, too, would feel better when they were noticed? He had hated to be ignored. What if the spirits get better when people believe in them? What if I hurt it by leaving it alone?!
So, that night, as they stopped to rest, the boy went to sit alone for a bit. He told his new almost-a-family that he wanted to be alone for a moment because he felt sad and wanted to remember his real family. The girls looked hurt, but left him alone. He felt bad for lying, but this was important, and the girls wouldn't have left him alone if he had told them the truth.
And he really needed to try to talk with his spirit-friend.
At first the boy tried it like he had always done, just talking aloud. But for some reason, he felt really silly talking like that. It was different before, he reasoned in a fit of nerves, because back then he had talked to the stone. Now there was nothing to talk to. He was there, sitting alone.
But how could he speak to his friend now that it lived inside him? If he talked out loud, outside… could his friend inside hear him?
Maybe he needed to speak to his friend inside himself?
How could one speak inside himself so that someone living inside would also hear him? The boy felt confused. But Sakura's and Akane's opinions had given him hope that his friend was real and just needed some help. The boy felt really bad for just leaving it up to his friend to contact him. If he could help than he should do so. No matter how stupid it felt.
The boy tried a lot of ways of talking to himself, like talking to his hands, because the spirit had moved through his hands. Then he tried talking to his feet. Because, didn't everything drop to the ground eventually? Even the really small things? He didn't know how big his friend was, but he didn't think the spirit would be large. So it could totally live inside his feet. Then he tried whispering. He imagined himself talking inside himself.
It grew sillier from that.
And soon really, really complicated.
It was stupid he decided after the latest attempt. He didn't want to think about what the girls thought he was doing. Maybe he should give it up for the night. Why was it so hard? Before, when it had been just him and the ugly stone, it had been so easy. He couldn't understand why it felt so impossible now when they were even closer with no stone between them.
The boy buried his face in the junction of his crossed arms. It was making his head hurt, all this thinking. It shouldn't be hard.
It really shouldn't!
Suddenly, another thought struck him and he narrowed his eyes. Maybe it wasn't?
Maybe I am just making it too complicated? He had asked his spirit-friend to come live inside him, yes… but no one said that the spirit had a body in the world. No, the spirit had, at most, felt like a wave of coldness. So, if the spirit was just a feeling, it could be as large as needed – so living inside him, it would be just the same size as him. Maybe he just needed to feel the spirit inside and think on that?
So the boy concentrated. The coldness. His bum felt cold. No. That was not it. He tried to remember the feeling. It was the weird coldness. That had felt funny. That made the little hairs in the back of his neck stand. Did he feel anything like that?
And suddenly, now that he knew what he was looking for, he found it.
A sense of a presence that felt just like the funny kind of cold that he remembered his friend feeling like. It was faint, but there.
So he sent a thought towards that feeling.
'Hello.'
Just a simple word. But just that one word made the presence shiver.
So, the boy tried again.
'I missed you. Are you hurt?'
The presence didn't answer, but it felt like it had. It grew slightly warmer and then it showed something to the boy.
It was images of people the boy didn't know. Sometimes there were feelings attached. The feelings weren't nice at all. The spirit really didn't like the people it was showing to the boy. Pain. Anger. Hate. Disappointment. Jealousy. Then it showed a man dressed in a weird dress, singing something in words the boy didn't understand.
There was a carved stone. It was the stone! Their stone!
An overwhelming feeling of entrapment.
'That man trapped you in the stone?' the boy wondered.
The presence gave a warmer feeling, one that felt like mother patting him on the head when he was a good boy and gave a right answer to the question.
Then it sent more images.
Slowly, the boy tried to make sense of it all, tried to understand his friend who now shared his body.
'You were trapped because you didn't like people? And you were there a really long time? But you still felt bad? So you tried to give out that bad feeling to others, too?
The spirit gave the correct answer feeling again.
He could almost understand the spirit. Last winter, when the boy had hurt his arm, he, too, had tried to give out the hurt to his brothers by yelling, saying nasty things and trying to hit them. The boy had hoped that it would make his pain less. It didn't. Mother had scolded him for his bad behavior and told him that making others feel bad wouldn't help him any; it just made everybody feel bad. Only bad boys would try to make others feel bad. The boy wasn't a bad boy, was he? So he shouldn't behave so. The boy sent this memory to the spirit.
The spirit sent back a feeling of confusion.
The boy was just starting to try to explain the memory and his mother's wisdom to the spirit, because clearly the spirit hadn't had a good mother to tell it these things—
He felt someone shaking his shoulder.
It was Kasumi. She looked really worried.
"Shinta-chan, are you alright?"
And the boy smiled, nodded and said that he was better than he had been in a long time.
After all, he had an almost-a-family. Living with the caravan was not so bad. And most importantly, he had his friend back.
Thus, a new routine was born.
During the day the boy walked, and when Kasumi, Akane or Sakura wanted to talk, he would ask about things, listen and walk some more. But when they stopped to rest and no one needed him, the boy would sit alone to talk to his friend who shared his body.
They didn't talk with words. No. For some reason, the spirit wouldn't use words now. But it was okay. After all, how could one use words without a mouth? Even the weird carved stone had had a face. But they showed pictures – memories—with each other and commented on them with feelings.
The boy found that he didn't have much in common with his spirit-friend.
Actually, even the often giggling Sakura seemed to agree with the boy more than the spirit.
The spirit was angry. It didn't like people.
That was okay, because the boy didn't like people much either. But unlike the spirit, the boy knew that being sad and angry all the time was bad for you. The boy's mother had told him that.
So, he decided to share memories of his mother with the spirit. It clearly didn't know the difference between being a bad boy and a good boy. And that one should always try to be a good boy. Now that the boy was a big boy, he could teach the spirit – just like his brothers had taught him, be an older brother.
It felt good not being the youngest anymore.
One time, Kasumi asked him why he was now always sitting by himself while they rested.
The boy smiled and told her that he was thinking and remembering.
It was the truth - just not all of it.
The boy had tried to tell his almost-a-family about his friend. But while they had listened, they hadn't really believed him. Instead, Sakura had smiled at him and said it was nice that the boy had an imaginary friend.
The boy had asked what imaginary meant.
Akane said that it meant something that was not real.
The boy had almost grown angry and yelled in defense of his friend. His friend was real, the boy knew it! But he had tried to teach his new friend that it was not okay to be angry. Not all the time. And especially not over small reasons, like disagreeing over something. And the boy didn't want to be a bad example.
The spirit had no one to look after it. Only the boy.
Even the boy had had two brothers. And mother and father. So he could compare. But the spirit had just him.
So he just had to be a really good example.
Some days later, when the boy was going to sit again on the side alone, Kasumi asked if she could perhaps join him. He didn't know how to say no to Kasumi, so he just nodded and smiled.
They found a good spot on the side of the road. There was a small lake there.
Fireflies were flying over the water.
The sun was setting.
It was pretty.
The boy told Kasumi so. She smiled at him and petted his hair.
They sat in silence for a while, but the boy had a reason to sit alone, so he was impatient to get to it.
Perhaps he should ask why Kasumi wanted to sit with him.
But how could he tell Kasumi that he really wanted to be alone for a while? It would need to be done in a way that wouldn't hurt Kasumi's feelings. He didn't want to hurt Kasumi. In these few days he had known her, he had learned to care for the older woman. If the boy was truthful, Kasumi was becoming like a real mother to him.
He just didn't want to admit it.
He didn't want to replace his true mother with Kasumi, even though he cared about Kasumi, too. And somehow, if he admitted it, even to himself, it would feel more real. And the boy didn't want that. So he didn't.
But how could he tell these things to her? And get some time alone? He really wanted to talk more to his spirit-friend. He just didn't know how, so he thought and squirmed. It was hard to sit calmly when he wanted to do something but couldn't.
Kasumi just sat there next to him. Calmly. She stared at the water and fireflies.
Then she said, softly, "I lost my boy this summer to the cholera."
And the boy didn't want to get away anymore. He remembered cholera. It was the sickness. Kasumi's soft voice sounded like she was in pain. Back then… it had felt so bad. The boy didn't want Kasumi to feel hurt.
He wanted to help her like she had helped him earlier.
What could he do? When his mother had sounded like that, she had just lost the baby. And then the three brothers had stayed close to her and the boy had hugged her. To remind her that she hadn't lost everything. That she still had them.
But Kasumi was not Mother.
"He was just four summers old. A small child. A bit smaller than you. Seeing you… reminds me of him." Her voice broke a bit. There was wetness in her eyes.
He didn't have any choice anymore. He hugged her, just like he had hugged Mother.
And Kasumi pulled him tight against her chest and petted his hair.
If felt good.
Almost like he had a mother again.
They stayed like that for a long time.
"You remind me of mother," the boy finally managed to tell her. "I didn't want to think about it. I don't want to replace Mother with you."
Kasumi petted his hair and told him with her mother voice that chased away all fears and doubts, "Your mother is your mother. And my boy is my boy. But we can pretend together."
"What does pretending mean?"
Kasumi didn't answer very fast. Like she had to think about it for a moment. But it was okay. "It's playing that a lie is a truth. Like we both know that you are not my boy and I am not your mother. But if we both agree to play that it is so, that's pretending."
"Mother said that lying is what bad boys do. And I shouldn't do so."
"Lying is not a good thing. No," Kasumi admitted.
They sat together in silence. The last rays of the sunset were peeking from the treetops and giving a pretty shine to the water. The boy thought about families and sons and mothers. Mother was a mother and son was a son. But who said you could only have one? His mother had had three sons. It was wrong to insist that Kasumi should have only one. And if Mother could have many boys, then maybe a boy could have two mothers?
So.
The boy told Kasumi this.
And Kasumi agreed.
Thus, they became a second son to a mother and a second mother to a son. And it was okay.
Then there were no fireflies over the water. The sun had set, too. The only light was coming from the campfire. And it was getting cold. So Kasumi nudged the boy and they rose to stand together.
That night before they went to sleep, Kasumi went to her bedroll and came back. She was carrying something small. She gave it to him. A colored piece of wood.
The boy asked what it was for.
Kasumi told him that it was a top. A toy for children.
And now it was his.
The following evening, they had walked even longer than usual. It was almost night already and the boy was becoming hungry. His stomach was quite vocal about it. Akane laughed at him and told him to teach his stomach not to yell.
Is that even possible? What else can I teach my stomach? To speak? Maybe the spirit—
Then Kasumi smiled at him, and told Akane not to jest him. This prompted the boy to ask what 'jesting' meant. Sakura said that it meant joking.
…Oh, but why didn't Kasumi say so in the first place? Why did they have to use difficult words when easy ones work just as well? But seeing their smiles, the faint irritation just faded away, and he told them that it was okay.
The sky was really pretty. All red and yellow, really bright colors. The boy liked bright colors. Like the ones his new top had. The sky was not that bright very often. On their right side, there was a clearing. On the left was the forest, which was really thick. One couldn't see far in.
"Ugh," he puffed out, shaken abruptly back into reality. He had almost walked into Kasumi, who was in front of him.
Why did they stop?
Oh… There was a man standing in the middle of the road. He had a sword – and he looked really scary.
Scarier than the scary man Hideo.
"We have you surrounded," the scary man with a sword yelled. "Surrender your monies and women and you may live." Before scary man Hideo could answer or the swordsman yell more, one of the girls ahead of them screamed and started to run towards the field.
It was like something broke at that moment. And suddenly, all the girls tried to follow the first one.
"Don't let them escape! They will reveal that we are here!" a man's voice called out and more scary men came out of the woods with their swords.
Kasumi dragged the boy with her and followed the older sisters Akane and Sakura as they dashed across the field to the forest.
Shouts, screams… behind them.
They didn't dare look back.
And after every scream there were fewer voices left.
Kasumi's grip was so tight on his wrist that it hurt, and he really couldn't see anything but her black hair and kimono-clad back. Then Akane fell down, and they, too, stopped for a brief moment. "Hurry, hurry up—" Kasumi started to yell, before hiccupping and coming to stop.
Akane's leg had twisted.
She cried as she tried to rise and stand but fell down, and tried again… and then Sakura came back to them and tried to help her up.
Kasumi let go of his wrist and went to help them, too.
The boy turned to look back and saw—
A scary man with a sword was running towards them, and seeing the girls' distress, slowed down to a prowling walk. Mouth widening to a grin.
What could he do; what could he do?! He didn't have anything to throw at the scary man… nothing to slow him down, nothing to stop him.
There was more shouting around them, but now there were more deep men's voices screaming than girl's high voices.
The man turned to look behind him.
For some reason, the grin slipped from the man's face like it had never been there, and he dropped the sword from his hands. He took a backwards step, another—and started to run through the forest, too. But why would a scary man run away? It didn't make any sense! The scary man ran like he, too, was afraid. Was there something even more frightening than the scary men with swords behind them?
He didn't see anything… but it didn't feel like a good idea to stay here.
The scary man had dropped his sword.
It lay there on the ground.
Maybe… if the boy took it, he could defend second mother Kasumi and the almost-older-sisters Akane and Sakura. Just like he had defended the mud castles in games with his cone horses and stick Samurai against his second eldest brother's…
He didn't want to lose his family again. Kasumi, Akane and Sakura were girls. He would defend them. He was a big boy. Almost a man.
A man like the scary men.
If they could use the sword, so could he.
So…
The boy crouched down and picked the sword up with both hands.
How can the scary man do anything with it? It was so heavy, like an overlong knife! He tried to lift it straight like he had seen the scary men hold it.
The sounds of footsteps and heavy breathing were growing nearer.
The boy didn't want to look up, because he knew what he would see. His arms shook against the weight of the sword. It didn't matter if he had a sword if he couldn't use it, and he really couldn't. It was too heavy and long. A wave of terror rose; he wouldn't be able to protect—
Warm hands surrounded him. Pulled him back. He fell into the soft embrace and let the useless sword fall from his hands. It was Kasumi who held him. She felt like mother.
The boy felt loved.
The man in front of them was ugly. And tall. And hairy. And sweaty. And he had a sword that he could lift with one hand.
With a scream Sakura ran towards the ugly man.
The sword slashed.
Sakura fell down and didn't rise.
Akane, with her twisted leg, tried to rise to stop the man. She couldn't, so she begged him, "Spare the child!"
"Shinta! Don't look!" Kasumi whispered in his ear, but he couldn't close his eyes.
The man answered with his sword.
The boy shook, more afraid than he had ever been. Footsteps were getting closer and the man's white teeth flashed. Akane and Sakura… dead. Dead. Kasumi, too, was going to die. Die. Die. The sword, the teeth, the blood… Kasumi pushed him to the ground and fell on top of him, covering him with her body. The boy looked up at Kasumi's face.
Her lips were almost bloodless. But her voice was low. Like mother's.
"Shinta. Shinta. You are just a child. You have not chosen your life like we have been able to. You cannot die now. You must live. Live a full life for the sake of those that died here tonight."
The scary man lifted Kasumi by her hair. Her eyes were dark and wide and scared. Tears fell across her cheeks.
"Shinta! Please live!"
And then the sword pierced through her throat. Kasumi's hands rose to the blade, grasping it – then the scary man dropped Kasumi to the ground. Like one would drop a kettle. Or a bucket. Or a slave.
Kasumi's throat bled still. She looked at the boy. Her lips were still moving but no sound came out. Like she didn't know she was dead already.
Then the boy heard her small broken whisper.
"Live Shinta… live for me..."
And the scary man struck the sword in her chest.
Kasumi's lips, that had spoken like mother's, didn't move anymore.
He froze still in shock, but he didn't know why. They were all dead, again.
The boy was alone.
Again.
The scary man walked towards him and raised his sword.
The boy looked up to him and didn't feel scared anymore.
He didn't feel anything.
Didn't want to be alone again.
Maybe it would be okay.
The sword didn't hit him. Instead, the man turned to look behind him. And yelled a really bad word. And asked who it was.
The voice that answered was low. Cold. Calm. Like it didn't care. Almost like what the boy imagined the spirit sounding like.
The boy looked up.
He didn't know what he saw. It was large and white. And then the scary man that had killed Sakura, Akane and Kasumi fell to pieces. The white being was a really big man. The biggest man he had ever seen. But he didn't feel like a man. He felt more like the spirit.
It was comforting.
The man spoke aloud. The boy didn't understand much. Too many new words to follow, but he thought it was about revenge and survival. It didn't matter what the man spoke to him, the cold and calm tone of voice felt safe and familiar.
So the boy wasn't afraid; instead, he just sat there.
Then the man-spirit cleaned its sword, put it back into the scabbard and turned around.
The he—it—started to walk away.
The boy wanted to shout at it, tell it not to leave him.
But his mouth could not bring out the words, so tried to stand up, but his legs didn't work. Nothing worked. He reached out towards the white being. I don't want to be alone. Not alone. Not again. Anything, but alone!
The man-spirit in white just left.
The boy watched it go.
Edited first by Chie in 2013, then again 27.3.2015 by BelovedStranger
