Chapter 10: Don't Look Back

'Éire, get that ass outta bed now!'
Éire woke up startled. Her head was pounding. She and some of the other club members stayed up until the early hours when she smartly decided to go home around 5 am, asking one of the prospects who were sober to drop her home. His name was Juice, a nice guy. Éire threw the covers over and got out of bed, marching downstairs;
'This better be a fucking emergency Gemma' shouted Éire, rounding the corner to the kitchen.
When Éire entered the kitchen she saw Gemma sitting at the table drinking coffee;
'You better hope your old man doesn't see you like that.'
Éire laughed, telling Gemma not to worry while making a gesture to illustrate she had him wrapped around her finger to which Gemma raised her eyebrows and disapprovingly agreed.

Éire made coffee and sat down beside her stepmother. Éire knew that her arrival back in Charming had been abrupt and she wanted to know how her father was dealing with it so she asked Gemma.
'He's okay. He's happy to have you home. You know the only thing worse than having you here causing trouble was not having you here at all.'
Gemma softened the comment with a sad smile, inhaling her cigarette. Éire continued to probe;
'Was it bad Gemma?'
Éire had been worried about this since yesterday afternoon and Gemma's response did little to ease her anxiety over the issue. Gemma hesitated and stumbled to find the words to reply to Éire, which was out of character for her. In fact, Gemma did not reply at all. She simply raised her eyebrows which let Éire know what she needed to know. Then, as Gemma was quenching her cigarette, she said quietly while lifting her eyes to look at Éire;
'For them both.'

Gemma moved to empty the ashtray and clean the cup she had just used. When she looked back at Éire she noticed her head was dipped and she looked sad. Gemma moved so she could comfort Éire;
'Listen baby, you're home now and there's no point looking back. You have to look forward.'
'Do you think Dad's worried?'
'No offence - I think any father who had a daughter like you would be a fool not be. When you reconnect with your friends and start going to parties, the boys are gonna be queuing up for you.'
Usually, Éire would be flattered by this, but with her elbows perched on her knee, she looked up at Gemma with troubled eyes;
'You know as well as I do Gemma it ain't those boys that Clay will worry about.'
Gemma didn't reply to Éire but stood back up from her crouched position and continued to look down at Éire who wasn't looking at her. Éire ran her palms across her thighs with a sigh and looked up at Gemma. From this, Gemma could tell she was bothered. Looking down at her, Gemma gave Éire the information she knew she had been longing for since she got off the plane in Oakland the previous evening;
'Reno. Back in a couple of days.'

Éire pondered upstairs, feeling guilty as hell that she had come across so desperate to Gemma. She didn't probe for information on him but Gemma knew she wanted to know. Hell Éire hadn't even realised herself how much she wanted to know where he was. But there had been an absence. At the Clubhouse last night, even in the family home. Before she went to Belfast, no matter how bad or good the terms they were on, they were on terms. He was always there, regardless. Now, he wasn't there. They weren't on any terms anymore. It was strange being back in Charming and him not being there.

She lay on her bed, feeling extremely guilty. She felt that hearing that information from Gemma was betraying her Dad and stomping her feet all over the shit she caused in the past. As much as she resented them for sending her away, she promised herself she would not be going down that avenue again. She would not be the cause of that shit storm again.

She was just curious. It had been a year and a half. They had only talked once since she left Charming. It had been the same night she called Happy when she was, in the words of Happy, 'out of her god-damn fucking mind.' Éire could barely remember the call or what she said but she could remember his concern, the worry in his voice. Little did Éire know, it took everything Jax had in him not to tell Clay about it and demand that he bring her home. He didn't want to get her in trouble. Hell, the thought crossed his mind to sneak off the Belfast himself just to make sure but he would never have gotten away with it without the others knowing.

But after that night, Éire woke up the next morning, coming down and hungover. She felt guilty for calling him because although her relationship with her parents was frayed while she lived in Belfast to say the very least, she felt guilty. Even though she was sent to the other side of the world, she was consciously aware that perhaps she had been the lucky one unlike those who had to stay behind and pick up the pieces, as Happy indicated last night. She felt guilty because Jax and even Happy were in the midst of the shitstorm, while she was out of her head not a care in the world. She blocked his number and Happy's for that matter and deleted both. Not because she didn't want them to contact her but so she wouldn't be able to contact them. The guilt left her feeling like she didn't have a right to contact them and have them worrying about her.

Gemma's response to her question only compounded her belief that she was the lucky one who got away, the one who didn't have to pick up the pieces. Often, she felt victimised because she was sent away from her family. But they were the victims, being left behind to pick up the pieces. Éire was on the verge of tears, upsetting herself by dredging up the past but Gemma's words rang in her head - You have to look forward. To get by in Charming, that's what she would have to do. Rebuild her life without him in it. There was no point looking back now but look forward and make amends. With everyone but him.