Chapter 20. She
The next morning Kenshin woke up to a terrible headache. It was the kind of annoying throbbing that could only come from a hangover. Thankfully though, his stomach felt fairly steady for once. He sighed in private relief, tiredly rubbing his face.
It was already late morning.
The sun was high in the sky, the birds were singing… but his futon was folded up in the corner in an entirely different manner than it had been.
What? How? Who would have..?
His eyes widened in panic as his memories aligned.
The girl!
Where is she? Could she have already left? What if she'd told someone about last night? It wouldn't matter who, the Bakufu had spies everywhere. Oh god, what if she had told? It wasn't only Battousai's identity that would be in danger, but everyone at the inn. This was the Choshuu Ishin Shishi safehouse!
Oh god, oh god….
Kenshin closed his eyes and tried to keep breathing, tried to focus past the terror. There had to be some other explanation. Something, anything that would have caused the girl to just flat out leave after waking up in a strange place…
In the distance, ki presences moved, the tiny flickers he had come to know like the back of his hand. There was Okami-san, there were her serving girls preparing food, the men gathered in the common room for lunch… and among them, a cold, collected, almost suppressed presence that felt like home.
…It's her?
Kenshin blinked in disbelief, thoroughly unsettled by the sense of familiarity. True, most ki presences resembled each other at least in some way, but to think that a mere girl's spirit could remind him of…
No, focus!
She is still here, downstairs. But she is moving towards me?
What?
Feeling utterly unbalanced, Kenshin staggered to his feet and slipped his sword through his sash. He barely managed to make it down the stairs when he saw her, carrying lunch trays.
"Um…" Kenshin started awkwardly. "Are you feeling better?"
She waited politely for him to finish speaking, before nodding slightly and saying, "I'm sorry. I was drunk last night."
An awkward silence fell between them.
Then, before he could think of anything to say, she tilted her head and asked calmly, "My name? Tomoe. Yukishiro Tomoe."
Oh, okay… Nice as it was to finally have her name, it didn't serve to clarify the situation at all. Kenshin cleared his throat and asked, "Err, Tomoe… what are you doing?"
She raised an eyebrow. "Can't you tell?"
"Helping out?"
"So you did know."
Her voice was nonplussed and she was looking at him like he was the weird and unreasonable one here. Kenshin bit his lip, trying not to say anything rude. However, he needed some answers and he needed them right now. "I need to talk to you."
That should do it, shouldn't it? Surely she would stop the weird game she was playing and come with him so that he could try to solve this mess in private…
She looked him in the eye, calm as she pleased, and said, "I'm busy. Ask me later."
What the… what?
Kenshin gaped as she walked away, utterly and thoroughly baffled.
She… she had seen him kill people. She had been showered in blood and passed out, then woken up in a strange place and now she, she, she… was saying she was busy carrying trays?
Just what?!
But then again, wasn't it a good thing that she wasn't panicking or trying to run away? At least now he had time to figure out some solution to this headache – preferably after the worst of his hangover had passed. Kenshin covered his face with his hands and groaned.
Oh gods, what a mess!
Still, there was one person who would know why Tomoe was acting like a maid. Kenshin nodded determinedly, squared his shoulders, and headed to the kitchens.
Usually men weren't allowed in the employee side of the building, but Kenshin's job had him coming and going at odd hours and sleeping whenever he got the chance. Thus, Okami-san had invited him to come to the kitchens whenever he felt hungry, instead of waiting for mealtimes.
Like he had thought, Okami-san was helping two serving girls clean the dishes. Trying to keep his voice soft and not too accusing, Kenshin asked, "The girl from last night… why is she helping out?"
The old innkeeper didn't turn to look at him. Instead, she continued to dry the dishes. "She didn't have a place to go, so I offered her work."
Oh, but that means…
"Are you going to hire her?"
"Do you have to ask?" Okami-san glanced at him, raising her brow. "You are the one who begged me to make a place for her."
Yes, but, but... Kenshin gaped, "That was last night! It was an emergency."
This wasn't what he had wanted! This was not a good place for that girl – errr, for Tomoe to stay! All the residents were Choshuu Samurai and Katsura-san visited the inn every now and then and, and, and… it just wasn't safe! They didn't know anything about her!
And where was she going to stay? Hadn't Okami-san told him last night that there was no room for… No, no, no. Nope. That can't be.
Okami-san scoffed at him. "I appreciate that you Choshuu men are such good customers to my inn, but you keep us busy and we are extremely shorthanded. Do you know how much you all eat? I have been watching her and she is a very good worker so far. Everyone has things in their past they want to hide. There is no reason for me to put her out."
Oh, well, that makes sense. In a way… Kenshin paused awkwardly. He was starting to feel he was making a fool of himself. Okami-san was looking at him with amusement, just waiting for another stream of protest that she could shoot down. The serving girls didn't even bother to hide their staring, either.
Kenshin sighed. I just can't win, can I?
His stomach rumbled quietly, alerting him to the fact that he hadn't eaten since yesterday evening. The serving girls tittered at the sound, and he looked aside, heat rising on his cheeks.
Fine, I can think about this Tomoe dilemma more – after some food.
And given the state of the kitchen, most of the men had to have already eaten. They never stayed too long after lunch, preferring to head out to the town.
Maybe I can eat in peace for once…
However, the second he stepped into the dining room he realized how silly that hope was. The room was crowded, all the men lingering there to gawk at the pretty girl serving them tea – Tomoe.
Kenshin felt like screaming in sheer frustration at the sight. However, he couldn't exactly turn back now, not without setting off even more of the men's unsolicited rumor mongering… so he got his tray and sat down at his place. Like always, the men made room for him like he was a leper.
The food was unappetizing; the miso and rice, the steamed vegetables and grilled fish all tasted like blood. However, for once he wasn't the object of the men's curiosity. No, no one seemed to pay him any attention at all, not when there was Tomoe to stare at.
Not that he could blame them, exactly. She was strange – beautiful and elegant, serving tea with perfect manners, holding herself with the poise of a girl born to a good name. She was polite, answering the men's eager questions whenever it seemed fitting, but not once did she smile.
Kenshin frowned, staring at her just out of the corner of his eye. A girl like her, how could she have no place to go?
Why is she still here?
The men didn't seem to mind her presence at all. They kept admiring her, some of them even going so far as to voice their thoughts. But Tomoe, instead of getting offended at the brusque comments like most women would have… didn't say a thing. No, she looked them in the eye and asked if they wanted more tea, like nothing could phase her.
Come to think of it, she hadn't screamed or panicked last night, either. Not even when she had been splattered with blood and witnessed him murder a man. Who was this girl – this Tomoe?
"Hey."
Huh…? Kenshin blinked, turning to see who had sat down next to him. It was Iizuka-san. Well, it really couldn't have been anyone else, but why was his closest superior here? Iizuka-san usually didn't spend all that much time at the inn…
But if there was anyone who would know what to do about Tomoe, it would be Iizuka-san. The older man was higher up the ladder, and was responsible for managing his jobs. Surely, he had some idea what to do about a girl who had seen too much?
However, this wasn't the place to discuss sensitive matters. And yesterday's fiasco was a sensitive matter like no other. Someone had ordered a professional assassination attempt on him and that meant that Hitokiri Battousai's identity might already be out.
Kenshin's heart sank, and he gripped his chopsticks tighter. No, this was something he needed to discuss with Katsura-san directly.
"Can you set up a meeting with Katsura-san? I need to discuss last night with him."
"It's already done. He will be here this afternoon." Iizuka-san agreed, before glancing at Tomoe. "I hear you brought her home with you last night. Where did you find a desirable woman like that? I bet she has some stories to tell…"
Desirable? Stories to tell..?
Kenshin inhaled sharply. This was exactly why he hadn't wanted anyone to find out about her!
Iizuka-san smiled slyly, his eyes harboring a knowing look and he boldly nabbed a cherry from Kenshin's tray, as only a close friend would have dared. The assumption made Kenshin's stomach lurch.
He hadn't managed to eat even half of his breakfast, but already it was becoming unbearable, staying here with all these people.
It didn't help that Iizuka's humor rubbed him the wrong way. Which, of course, was the point – or so he had gathered. The examiner enjoyed needling him, trying to get a rise out of him, and the topic that seemed get under his skin the most was…. well, girls. Likely that was the reason Iizuka-san kept inviting him to visit brothels with him and the other men, too. However, even if he was missing out on a good thing, Kenshin just didn't want to go. The very thought of touching a stranger like that…
"So... how did she taste?"
Gods, how can they think I could... Iizuka-san was bad enough, but hadn't Okami-san also assumed so? And if those two could think such a dirty thing, didn't that mean everyone else could do so too?
Kenshin glanced about the room, and all around him, people were snickering.
"The landlady told me." Iizuka-san leered, his gaze locked on Tomoe. "You had her in your room last night, didn't you… Himura?"
That's it. I can't stay here and listen to this. Kenshin scowled, grabbing his sword and hitting the floor with the end of his scabbard as he rose. The strong thud echoed through the hall, cutting of the chatter as everyone turned to stare at them.
Oops… Kenshin cringed. He hadn't meant to cause a scene, he just hadn't wanted to hear one more word of Iizuka's bad jokes... not right now. Preferably, not ever.
Feeling guilty, he turned to leave.
"Hey, don't scare me like that! You made me swallow the plum pit." Iizuka-san yelled after him.
It only made Kenshin feel worse.
Kenta, though, was nudging at him happily. It loved outrageous displays like that, loved watching people's faces as fear overtook their knowing looks.
To be perfectly honest, lately Kenshin's temper had been developing a bit of a dark streak. It was like, things were getting under his skin more easily, even when he knew it was unnecessary. Not long ago he would have been able to ignore the rumors and stares entirely. Or at least pretend he hadn't heard things, like those Aizu idiots blundering and Iizuka-san's bad jokes. But it was just… sometimes he got so angry at the slightest provocation.
Kenta enjoyed it. Whenever Kenshin's temper flared, it would flow to his side, without waiting for him to ask or prompt it. It just happened.
Kenshin wasn't sure if it was a good thing or bad. It was different to how he had always tried to behave, but then again, didn't everyone get angry sometimes? And compared to Master's nearly legendary temper, these little outburst were very mild indeed.
The girl was certainly beautiful. The way she carried those trays, how she held herself, her expression utterly calm like still water on a pond, it all pointed to refinement. For a homeless girl on the run, it was very unusual.
Katsura frowned in thought. At sunrise a report had come from Iizuka, telling him that Kenshin had gotten into a fight and had returned to the Choshuu safehouse with a girl passed out from heavy drinking. It went without saying that a girl of honest name and reputation would never commit such an act, not if she had something to lose.
Iizuka had immediately seen this as an opportunity to get someone closer to Kenshin and had convinced Okami-san to arrange a permanent stay for the girl. It wasn't a bad idea, per se. They were all worried about Kenshin's state of mind, how very cold and closed off he had become. If they could push Kenshin to create a connection to someone, to talk about things and have a little life outside the job… it could be very good. An inexpensive way to help the boy handle the stress.
Well, as long as this scheme wouldn't compromise the safety of the inn or Kenshin's identity as Choshuu Ishin Shishi's assassin. Iizuka was of a similar mind and had already stationed a few Choshuu men to keep watch and follow the girl if she chose to leave the inn. It would be a simple matter to silence her should she try to contact anyone.
Besides, Katsura couldn't help but notice how Kenshin's eyes followed the girl as they passed her on the way to the backyard garden. So there was an honest interest...
If the girl truly was as she seemed, if she didn't overreach or try to contact anyone… yes, this could be a very good thing indeed.
"Iizuka, to be safe, check her background." Katsura murmured and waved his hand to dismiss the examiner.
"Yes sir." Iizuka nodded, bowed slightly, and left.
That simple matter dealt with, Katsura turned to Kenshin, noting how he looked aside, a faint blush rising on his cheeks. Obviously the boy knew he had overstepped his boundaries. Good. Now, as for the far more damning part of last night's incident…
Katagai knew how he preferred to question people and didn't need an invitation to broach the subject, "Himura, we didn't come here to talk about the girl. You killed a man last night."
Too chastised to speak, Kenshin nodded.
Katsura sighed and kept his voice gentle, prompting the boy, "Who do you think he was? Your opinion."
"An assassin sent by the Bakufu."
Hmm, that is disturbing. Katsura frowned. "Shinsengumi?"
"No. I have never seen a killer like him," Kenshin said softly. "Not a samurai, but rather a professional assassin."
Katsura didn't doubt the claim; Kenshin had very good eye when it came to swordsmanship. No, the worrying thing about this was that the Choshuu spies sent to investigate the incident hadn't found anything. Kenshin had said he had cut a man in half in the middle of the street… yet, no one had seen or heard it. It had been cleaned up before the policing forces had a chance to stumble across it.
The obvious conclusion was that they had finally slipped up somewhere and Kenshin's identity had been found out. However, who knew it? How far had the information spread? Could it still be contained?
"Only a select few men in our clan know of your existence…" Katagai hesitated. "I can't see how anyone could have sent an assassin after you."
Kenshin narrowed his eyes. "Information has to have leaked out of Choshuu… I think there might be a traitor among us."
Katagai grimaced at the suggestion.
However, Kenshin didn't falter. Instead, he turned to look directly at Katsura, not hesitating to voice such doubts.
Choshuu had come a long way in the past year, and it was in large part thanks to the men in Kyoto. Katsura had handpicked them all and only a selected few knew enough to piece together the clues of Hitokiri Battousai's identity. Not a single one of those men had a reason to abandon the cause. They were all men of conviction, loyal and hardened by years of personal work for him.
To suspect there were traitors among them… It was too hasty a conclusion, especially when it could be something else. Perhaps a slip up of some sort? In any case, the matter needed his utmost attention. Katsura inclined his head, "It's a possibility. However, there is one more thing. Furutaka was supposed to be at the meeting last night at the Gion festival, but he was captured by Shinsengumi yesterday."
Come to think of it, hadn't Furutaka been transferred to another safe-house because he had stirred rumors? The man shouldn't have known about Hitokiri Battousai, it had been before that name had gained fame… but he had seen Kenshin working, hadn't he?
Damn, that could explain the leak… though the timing was a bit too tight to be realistic. Yet, even that was far more likely than suspecting a traitor in their ranks. However, he couldn't dismiss any possibility, not yet. Not before he determined the truth and contained the leak.
"So, will you take a bodyguard to the meeting?"
Katsura raised his brow at the suggestion. Kenshin disliked the spotlight, but now he was volunteering? It wasn't a bad idea. Especially now that the situation was getting dangerous. After all, Hitokiri Battousai was only a killer used to spread fear. What the Bakufu truly wanted was the head of the snake – himself.
However, Miyabe, another Ishin Shishi leader, had been among the few he had needed to keep in the loop about the assassinations. The old codger wouldn't react well if he took Kenshin with him. Especially now that they had quarreled over Miyabe's insane plan to burn down Kyoto.
"No, I will be alright. But I want you to be careful. This leak is a critical matter and I will see to it personally. For now, focus on the Shinsengumi."
"Yes sir." Kenshin nodded softly, bowed and left.
Katsura sighed, feeling a heavy weight press down on his shoulders. Traitors, captured men… insane radical idiots like Miyabe, who couldn't see further than their own noses...
The situation was getting very bad indeed.
While Katsura-san had seemed to take last night's disaster in stride, Kenshin couldn't help worrying. The last thing he wanted was to cause trouble for the Ishin Shishi.
However, the fact stood: an assassin had been waiting for him and had tried to kill him. That would have never happened if the Bakufu hadn't found out the truth about Hitokiri Battousai. After all, outside the job, he hadn't done anything to catch the Bakufu's attention. He had never spoken out of turn, never let anyone see him covered in blood, never let anything slip.
So, the only way for them to know his identity was from a traitor.
And if his identity, one of the most guarded secrets among the Choshuu Ishin Shishi, had been leaked, then what else could they have found out?
Could they have found out about Katsura-san?
Thus far, Katsura-san had avoided their attention by pretending to be a simple middle man, a messenger carrying important information from one politician to another, that he was just another wealthy samurai with good family connections. If the Bakufu found out his real importance… it would be a crushing blow to the Choshuu Ishin Shishi. Especially as Katsura-san seemed to be the only one keeping the more short-tempered radical groups in line. Or at least, that was what Kenshin had gathered from Iizuka-san's idle gossip.
The ugly fact was that among the Ishin Shishi, Katsura-san was only leader he truly wanted to stand behind. They shared the same vision for the future, for the new era… if not for Katsura-san, Kenshin didn't know if he could continue fighting. It wasn't like much had been achieved this year, not even with over a hundred assassinations staining his hands.
And now, the situation was getting dangerous.
Traitors among their ranks, Shinsengumi capturing their men and even the Mimawarigumi chasing them like bloodhounds... No, it seemed like every faction fighting under the Bakufu's flag was hunting the rebels.
And now, in the middle of this… Tomoe had decided to stay.
Iizuka-san and Katsura-san hadn't seemed too concerned about her. They had just wanted to check her background, to make sure that she was a normal, innocent girl caught in this mess, not a spy.
But if the Bakufu had found out about Hitokiri Battousai, then what would stop the traitor from telling about the inn too? What if they sent their men to attack the inn?
What then?
The men here knew what was at stake. But she, she… why did she have to stay? Was it because what she had seen?
But hadn't Katsura-san said Furutaka had been captured yesterday? Even if there was no traitor, couldn't the Bakufu find out these things just by questioning him? Kenshin's breath caught in realization.
Oh… so that's why no one cares about her.
After all, what did one girl matter now that the Bakufu could get the same information from multiple sources? The Ishin Shishi had no reason to keep her here, had they? Actually, it was worse than that – Tomoe was in great danger just by being here.
I brought her here.
Kenshin swallowed in half-veiled panic, guilt twisting his stomach. He couldn't have any woman dying because of him. Not again, not like Kasumi had died…
No… I need to get her away.
As it turned out, getting Tomoe to leave was a lot easier said than done. He had pulled her aside to his room and tried to reason with her. He had told her she was in danger if she stayed. He had explained that it really wasn't good for her to stay in an inn with all these men, that surely she must know what it would do to her reputation! He had even gone so far as to say directly that her family wouldn't approve of her staying.
Not a single thing he said made a difference!
She always rebuked his words, calm as she pleased. She said she was glad for the chance to work at the inn, that Okami-san was a nice and understanding employer, and that she didn't have a family to go back to. And the worst thing?
When he finally lost his temper and rudely stated, "I don't know what your situation is, but we are in no state to look after you," then she had the gall to ask:
"So then, will you finish me off? Like you killed the samurai in black?"
The nerve! Didn't she care about her own safety at all? And the assumption that he would kill her? Like he could kill anyone in cold blood!
I might be an assassin, but I am not a damn cold-blooded murderer!
It shouldn't have mattered what people thought about him anymore. Kenshin had heard it all and he knew all too well that normal people couldn't understand why what he did was necessary. But somehow, the implication that he could kill a woman, an innocent like Kasumi, just like that…
It hurt.
So Kenshin tried to explain it to her. "You can think whatever you want, but I am only doing this to bring about a new age where everyone can live in peace. I don't kill indiscriminately, only armed members of Bakufu who oppose us…. Naturally civilians might oppose us as well, but I would never strike an unarmed man."
It sounded reasonable to his ears. Surely, now she understood?
She looked at him thoughtfully for a moment, her face still as a mask, her ki collected, cold and almost suppressed... then she finally said, "So bad people carry swords, and good people don't? What if I had been carrying a sword last night, would you have…?"
What? No! But, but… Kenshin's eyes widened in shock. "That's…"
"When you have an answer, please let me know." She nodded to him dispassionately and turned to leave.
What the hell….
"Wait a minute! You are just going to walk out?"
She did.
Kenshin stared after her, completely speechless. Why had she done that? Why did nothing she did ever make any sense? Why couldn't she just listen to him or even try to understand!
I'm not like that!
I'm not.
It isn't like that.
His head was starting to ache, and Kenshin rubbed his brow in vain, trying to relieve the pain. Kenta nudged at him comfortingly. But her words kept ringing through his mind in an endless loop. Why would she think that I could have killed her?
Kenshin's eyes shot open and he stilled, remembering back to that night, to the exact moment he had realized what she had seen…
Oh…
Maybe… she might have a point.
"Damn it! Am I going crazy or… are things finally starting to make sense?"
That night, Kenshin was almost relieved to have work. If for no other reason than to escape from Tomoe, because as he had feared… she still shared his room.
Not only were there his sleeping issues and her earlier comments, but she was a girl.
Sure, Kenshin had lived in small rooms with no walls to separate the space before, with Master and briefly with Osumi-san, too. And even before then, when he had still his family. After all, the poor didn't have walls to divide their small houses just for modesty. No, in those conditions, it was almost expected to see people change clothes and bathe and what not, so people learned to ignore such things. But, it was different now.
It truly was!
Because Tomoe… well, she was a girl. A girl that was a bit older than him and she was so tall, so elegant and beautiful. And he was expected to relax with her around all the time?
It wasn't possible!
And what if she stared? What if she found it awkward too? She was clearly from a better class and upbringing than him. She had a last name, a real last name… not something that had been made up.
What if she didn't know how to ignore people like he did?
What if he said something embarrassing in his sleep? That is, if he could sleep at all? When Kenshin had been a child, Master had complained that he cried out during his nightmares.
Or what if he did something really stupid and childish without intending to? What if she saw it? Like him playing with Kasumi's top… She would laugh for sure! What if she went and told that to someone else? Like one of those tittering serving girls?
This was a disaster!
But what could he do about it? Okami-san had already said there was no room for her anywhere else, and as it was him who had brought her here in the first place, he should just share his room like a gentleman.
Ugh… maybe I should have left her on the street.
Not that he would have, ever. He wasn't like that… but still.
Needless to say, Kenshin felt nervous when he got back to the inn that night. The job had taken longer than he had anticipated, but if there was a mixed blessing in being forced to follow the targets to edge of town, it was the fact that Tomoe had to be asleep already. So, now he could just wash his hands, calm down a bit, and then sneak to his corner to sleep…
It was a good plan, but somehow… no matter how hard he scrubbed in the darkness of the bathhouse, the blood wouldn't leave his hands.
Kenta slipped to its side of the wall sometime later, but when it went… the unrest and disgusting feeling the killing brought came back with ferocity. The smell of blood was strong enough to choke him, and his hands… his hands were completely covered in blood.
Kenshin continued scrubbing, trying desperately to keep breathing, in and out, in and out. But gods, it felt so bad. He didn't want this, he had never wanted this.
Forcing himself to keep going, he scrubbed and scrubbed, drawing clean water from the well whenever the last bucked felt too stained… He didn't know how long he had been at it, but finally he didn't see the blood anymore. His hands were all wrinkled and soft, his callouses on the verge of peeling off. It wasn't good. If Master had seen it, he would have scolded him. After all, callouses protected the hands and ensured a good sword grip.
Yet, he didn't know any other way to achieve this numbness. This exhausted feeling, where he felt almost calm enough to catch a nap in his corner.
Kenshin sighed. He truly needed to figure out a better way to numb these feelings. Maybe he should break down the wall, so he could have Kenta with him all the time, not just during the kill and for a short time after…
The inn was very quiet. Everybody had gone to sleep a long time ago. The flickers of the presences in the sea of ki were so small, like fireflies floating all around him. This truly was the best time to be in the inn. He knew that he wasn't alone, but no one could stare or whisper about him, no one could avoid him in fear or distaste. No, right now… he could just be.
Keeping his steps light, Kenshin sneaked up the creaky wooden stairs to the second floor. When he had been a kid, it had been a fun game to walk without a sound and try to ambush Master. Not that he had ever managed it, not really. Only when he had finally learned to mask his ki presence had he stood a real chance, but somehow Master had always seemed to know where he was.
These Choshuu samurai residing in the inn would never even see him coming. They were so oblivious, so noisy… always so sure of themselves.
Perhaps it's good they fear me.
Kenshin sighed moodily, before holding his breath and ghosting the last few paces to his corner room's sliding door, then gently pushing it open.
What?
Tomoe was awake, writing quietly by candlelight.
Why? Doesn't she have to work early in the morning?
Kenshin didn't know how long he stared at her from the doorway, almost mesmerized by her meticulous movements as she wrote… But then, maybe from some unwitting noise he had made, or just her being careful, she turned to look over her shoulder right at him.
Her eyes widened in surprise, just a little. Then, after a short pause, she said softly, "Please, come in."
Her voice made all the little hairs at the back of his neck stand up, and Kenshin swallowed, more than slightly alarmed. Why? It wasn't like she was any threat to him!
Slowly, he stepped inside, closing the door behind him. He silently made his way to his corner, to the good and safe spot next to the window where he could see everyone coming and was still able to look at the night sky. Kenshin took both of his swords from his sash, and sat down, letting the wakizashi lie next to him and propping the katana against his shoulder at an easy reach. The book-stack against his back felt solid, almost comforting.
Yet, the nervous energy thrummed just under his skin. There was no way to sleep, to relax… not while she was there.
She wasn't even looking at him. She was writing again, her movements still meticulous, the slight sounds of her brush quieter than the snoring next door. Even the candlelight wasn't too bright, not enough to disturb.
The katana in his arms wasn't doing anything to calm him. But what else could he do? He knew he should sleep. Gods only knew how tired he was after the job, the horrible job that had taken too long and been too easy.
Those men hadn't been able to do anything but die like bugs.
Then, she closed the book she had been writing in, set her brush down… and blew out the candle.
Darkness settled in the room, soft shadows from the summer night painting everything in hues of blue. And then she, she…
Kenshin looked aside hastily, feeling a mortified heat rising on his cheeks. He could hear the rustle of clothes, the futon being rolled open and blanked being pulled aside as she settled to lie on his bed.
Her breathing was soft and steady. Her ki felt so familiar, cold and collected… so defined. Kenshin truly liked her ki – among all these flickers around him, hers felt like a calm spot in the sea, safe… just like home.
They stayed like that for a long time. Her breathing steadily in the shadows, him listening to the calm rhythm and just enjoying her ki.
Kenshin didn't know when he fell asleep.
The next day, Kenshin tried his best to avoid her. It wasn't exactly easy, because no matter what he did, it seemed that the girl – Tomoe – was everywhere. Not in person, but absolutely everyone in his vicinity seemed to have something to say about her. Not to him directly, but they talked about her and he heard their comments.
It seemed that all the men were really taken with her. However, while they weren't shy about singing praises to her beauty, they also seemed to think that just because she was sharing a room with him, she was either sleeping with him… or she was somehow a loose woman. Kenshin didn't like those assumptions. He couldn't even understand why people had gotten the idea in their heads. The girl – Tomoe – she wasn't like that. She wasn't!
From the beginning, she had always been calm and collected, just like a fine lady. Nothing like the sort that the men kept snickering about. And even if she had a special someone, that someone certainly wouldn't be him.
No, Tomoe and him hadn't needed to exchange words to mutually agree to avoid each other during the day.
The serving girls in the inn were even worse, in their own way. While they didn't make rude assumptions about Tomoe, they seemed to think even worse of her than the men. They thought Tomoe strange because she never smiled. They thought it was unfair that the men praised her looks. Why would a cold and distant girl like her deserve all those admiring glances?
Kenshin understood those whispers even less. After all, it wasn't like Tomoe wanted to attract the men's attention. If she liked it, she would have invited it somehow, by smiling or flirting. It wasn't her fault that she was really beautiful and men noticed it. Besides, she wasn't distant, she was just really polite.
And to be honest, she had been really, really nice about having to share the room with him.
She hadn't said a thing about his oddities, not even when he took forever to fall asleep. And for some reason, she was always awake when he came back from the job. They didn't talk, no… she never said anything, even though he knew she knew that he had just killed someone. Instead, she would simply stop whatever she was doing, be it writing or sewing, and then she would roll open his bed and lay there in the darkness.
They would stay awake for hours together… him listening to her steady breathing and feeling her calm and familiar ki.
It had become a routine by now – almost a comfortable one.
One day, when Kenshin came back from the town, he overheard one of the serving girls hissing at Tomoe angrily, "You two suit each other, both frozen to the core."
It wasn't nearly the worst thing people had ever said about him and Kenshin would have just pretended to ignore it, if he hadn't seen Tomoe excuse herself hastily and escape to the backyard.
It was the first time he had seen her obviously affected by anything, that he couldn't help feeling curious and following her discreetly.
Tomoe settled under the maple tree next to the bathhouse and pulled out her book from the folds of her kimono. It was the same book she carried everywhere she went, the same one he had seen her writing in time and time again.
It had to be her diary, Kenshin finally realized.
He had never seen anyone keeping a diary, but he had heard of them. Some people would write their thoughts down, just to remember them better. It had always seemed a rich person's fancy to him, because paper and ink were expensive luxuries… at least, by his standards.
Tomoe opened the book, sifting through the pages, reading quietly. However, somehow he couldn't help but think that she seemed sad. It was because of her ki. Instead of being being collected and calm… now it just felt freezing cold, like snowfall on a midwinter night.
Was she reminding herself of something?
Perhaps her family? Kenshin frowned thoughtfully. Didn't she say she was alone now?
Suddenly, the servant girl's words seemed that much more painful. Because if it was true that Tomoe had been left alone… perhaps she was reading her book to numb herself, just like he did to avoid feeling the pain.
It was an awful thing to realize.
How hard had it been for her, to be alone in the city as a girl? Without family, or anyone to support her... Where had she stayed? What had she had to do to survive? How had she lived before he had stumbled across her?
What else did she have beside her book and those worn clothes?
Kenshin looked aside, feeling ashamed. He knew all too well what it was like to have so little. He still didn't have much, but he had been living with next to nothing all his life. She couldn't have... Before something bad had happened, she must have had everything.
And now she had nothing.
I have been really rude, haven't I? Kenshin realized with a sinking heart.
Maybe it would be good for her to stay here. Even though it was dangerous… at least she wasn't completely alone. Here there were people like Okami-san who were willing to give her a second chance, some work and a place to stay.
Yes, maybe it isn't so bad that she stayed.
It didn't feel right to intrude on her any longer, so Kenshin left. Maybe he could use this chance to take apart his swords. It had been a while since he had cleaned them, hadn't it?
After that Kenshin tried to be kinder towards Tomoe, not avoid her so vehemently. Whenever there was a need to share things in their room, he didn't offer any protests. It was as if, realizing how little she truly had to her name had opened his eyes. Unfortunately, he couldn't do anything about the whispers she had to endure, but then again… he had to suffer through those, too.
One night, after a particularly messy job, Kenshin was once again washing his hands and generally feeling sorry for himself. He had followed the target forever, before he had finally been unable to wait for a better chance, so he'd had to kill his targets right on their home street. The kill itself had been easy; they all were these days… but for some reason Tomoe's earlier words about only striking down those who were armed kept ringing in his ears.
It was hard to justify killing only armed targets when it really didn't matter whether they carried weapons or not. Armed with swords or western guns, alone or guarded by bodyguards, they all died the same. Killing was simply too easy. Kenshin was too fast and even when someone managed to block his strikes… well, with Kenta and their ki enhancement trick, they could cut through anything, even their target's swords.
So did it matter if the targets carried something to defend themselves with?
If the order came, would he kill a woman? A child? Kenshin hoped he never had to find out. Because if it would advance the Ishin Shishi's goals, if it was necessary… Kenshin had a terrible feeling that Katsura-san wouldn't even hesitate to make that order.
So where did that leave him?
True, Kenshin killed on Katsura's orders. But was he a cold-blooded killer, a murderer like some of his watchers said? Kenshin didn't think so. He didn't like killing. No, he hated it. He had always hated it.
He hated that it was necessary.
To create the new world, to ensure the happiness of the common people, it was necessary to kill people…. wasn't it?
But then again, were these endless assassinations doing anything more for the people's happiness than Master's bandit slaughter had ever done? Kenshin had joined this rebellion because he had believed that this was the right way to use the strength of Hiten Mitsurugi… but was he doing anything good, truly?
A familiar ki presence moving closer pulled him out of his thoughts. That coldness, the calm spot in the sea of ki, it could be no one else but Tomoe. He wasn't surprised that she was awake; she was always awake when he came home from a job... but why was she coming to him?
"You should patch your wound before you wash your hands."
What? Kenshin blinked, reflexively touching his cheek.
Oh... it's bleeding, again.
And now that he noticed it, the blood had trickled down his neck and some of it had dripped onto the wash basin. Kenshin looked aside, feeling somewhat embarrassed to have been caught like this. Without looking at her, he took the small towel she offered to him and pressed it against the wound.
Why does this keep happening?
The wound was months old already. It shouldn't keep bleeding like this.
Tomoe watched him quietly, but there was a strange look in her eyes. "Do you intend to keep killing like this?"
Kenshin tensed and glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. Somehow, right now… all his previous arguments felt hollow. All his grand reasonings felt empty, too meaningless to be repeated.
Her dark eyes judged him in the silence. She didn't insist on answers, though. She merely waited for a moment, before turning and leaving.
Kenshin watched her go.
The towel she had brought him felt soft against his skin. It had been kind of her to bring it, but how had she known it was needed?
And that question..
How could he answer her, when he didn't know the answer himself?
But if he didn't intend to keep killing… how could he stop? There was still the Ishin Shishi and the rebellion to consider. It wasn't like he could just leave the cause and Katsura-san, not until the Bakufu had been brought down.
Yet, someday… wouldn't it be wonderful to live in a world where killing wasn't necessary?
Betaed by Animaniacal-laughter in 3.3.2016
