take my hand but leave my heart
chapter 7
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Hands hold her shoulders and set her ablaze. But it doesn't burn. It's not a flame, it's more like light. It strokes her skin, lifts her up, it holds her together. It is every good feeling. It's the warm sun on her face as she waits on a bridge. It's life at her fingertips. It's the wind whipping through her hair. It's love.
And she's delusional. In her mind, she cackles.
She opens her eyes and there's Sasuke, filling up her whole world.
With the sun behind him, it looks like he's the one who's shining. Her mind clears.
He pulls away and the feeling disappears, all of the warmth she feels gets sucked into the vacuum of space. Desperately, she grabs his wrist, "No wait!" Just the simple feeling of skin on skin leaves her reeling. This isn't just delusion and old feelings mingling together in a cocktail of sick-making sappiness. Her mind races. The empirical scientist in her is running through scenarios, building support for a hypothesis.
He is the source. The bracelet. They've been apart. Contact quells her symptoms. If she hated him this would be menacing. But the sad fact is that she doesn't. "Touch me," she implores.
He stares at her for a moment-his eyes are deep pools of startled excitement, she just wants to live in them and this moment forever-before laying his hand on her wrist. Gently, hesitantly.
"I'm just guessing, but I think that when we're apart the bracelet inhibits my energy and chakra. If I were designing something like this," she studiously doesn't look at him, but instead stares at the clouds rolling past, jolly. "I would need to keep the captive from running away. This is how I would do it. It doesn't hurt. But it makes them easy prey for retrieval."
"How long?"
"I've been gone a week. About that."
"Is it… What would happen if we were apart for longer than a week?"
She swallows.
Sasuke, consummate shinobi, doesn't need to hear the words. His expression turns grim. "Can I pick you up?"
It's strange to her, that he asks for her consent in this moment. She obviously needs to be moved. They can't sit here all day holding hands. Well, they could. She might even enjoy it. But they probably shouldn't. He owns her; body, soul and against all odds, her heart too.
"Sure."
He does. Like an automaton he hooks one arm behind her shoulders and the other under her knees. It's an odd choice. Once, he would have hitched her on his back like a pack. Sakura blinks. Oh. With his missing arm, that's not an option any more. He can hold her shoulders, but with nothing below the elbow, he wouldn't be able to hold her knees and she's in no shape to hold herself up.
Sasuke turns back towards the village and keeps his eyes straight ahead. This allows her the opportunity to stare. That first delirious touch is over. She settles into a warm comfort that isn't all manufactured by his bracelet.
Meanwhile, Sasuke is running through all the things that almost were.
If she had not completed her mission four days ahead of schedule. If he had taken a different route. If he hadn't run into Naruto. If he hadn't made a last minute supply run. If he had decided on skipping breakfast and bringing a protein bar instead. If he had delayed his mission a day instead of insisting on the urgency of leaving that afternoon.
Then they would have missed each other. He would be long gone on his mission.
Someone else may have found her, but no one would have known what to do in time.
Sakura would be dead. And it would have been all his fault.
His jaw clenches so tight that he imagines his teeth cracking. He chews on the horrendous possibilities of loss.
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He takes her home, but standing on her welcome mat, Sasuke questions the decision.
"What?" she asks, "Would you rather stay at your own place?"
"It's not that," he mutters, still unable to look her in the eye. "I'm wondering if you wouldn't rather we go to mine."
She realizes that he doesn't want to invade her space.
Sakura mulls that over for a moment. It's true. And she's surprised he'd be so in tune with her wishes. But maybe she shouldn't be. After all, he has a direct line to her psyche these days. Who knows how much he sees? She shifts uncomfortably in his arms and holds her secrets as close as she can. She imagines a wall around her mind, knowing its nothing but ephemera.
She doesn't want him in her space. Not like this.
What Sakura wanted was for him to love her. She wanted to wake up with him. He's like a cat in the mornings; a heavy sleeper, slow riser. He mashes his face against the pillows in protest when someone tries to wake him. She wanted to make a full pot of coffee in the morning, knowing it would be drunk because they're both addicts. She wanted to come home to him. She wanted to tease him. She wanted to be bullied into eating three meals a day. She wanted to make love with him. She wanted them to share in each other's successes and failures. She wanted daysweeksmonthsyears. She wanted a life with him.
Sakura doesn't know if it's right to want that anymore.
But here they are and here she is, wanting it anyway.
"It's fine for tonight," she concedes.
He knows exactly where he's going. He sets her on the foot of her bed, sitting up. His hand halos her shoulder for a moment after letting go, to make sure she won't tumble back.
She's physically exhausted but fully alert. She slouches, but remains upright.
Sasuke goes through her drawers, not for a second questioning if it is right for him to do so. His boundaries are so odd; jagged and inconsistent.
Inconsistent: it's a good word to describe him. She has no idea what he's thinking.
He presses pyjamas into her hands, leaves the room and what he's thinking is this:
Sakura could have died. It's a big, scary thought that leaves no room for any other.
He returns after five minutes to find Sakura dressed in a gray cotton t-shirt and yellow flannel shorts. Her uniform is in a pile at her feet.
He kneels to gather them up and pauses. Sakura's toes are painted a cheery red, not bloody or dark, but like fruit or lips or beaming cheeks. Her toes curl into the carpet. Without thinking, he reaches out and touches her ankle; it's thick, indelicate and has two bumps from when she broke it on a genin mission. It's a strangely nice reminder that there are parts of her history he can remember for himself, instead of hearing them second-hand.
She shivers and goosebumps rise all the way to her knee.
Sasuke stands and throws the dirty clothes in her hamper. He goes to her drawers and withdraws a pair of fuzzy socks.
On autopilot, he starts to kneel down again and help her with them when she snatches them from his hands, bright red and sputtering.
She's right. It's too much.
Sakura stubbornly tries to put her socks on but ends up pitching back onto the mattress. Feet in the air, she battles with her own lack of composure. Her face grows hotter by the second.
Sasuke snorts, which just encourages her struggles.
Classic Sakura.
He removes his vest, drops his gloves on her dresser. His shirt joins hers in the hamper.
He stands on the side of the bed that he knows isn't hers. Sakura likes the left side.
Soon, Sakura is victorious over her socks and her legs drop. She looks up at him with an inscrutable expression.
There's a responding, raw ache in his chest that recognizes and responds to disappointment from his loved ones. Familiar as inadequacy and yearning.
Sadness turns to a simmer as her eyes slide to his bare chest.
It is because of this that Sasuke allows himself to contemplate what it would be like to be with her, in a way that he never does unless he's alone. Like, be with her.
Sakura is a beautiful woman; full of passion and generosity and strength. Her considerable focus and determination concentrated on a partner, on her own pleasure. It's enough to make his throat dry and his mouth water. If he could speak, he'd be stuttering.
And the worst part is, he can feel her. Their connection lets him feel what she's feeling. Every wanton thought sends hot bursts through his body. His fingertips buzz. His arousal feeds off hers.
Sakura coughs delicately. "There's a couple shirts that might fit you in the bottom drawer."
Sasuke smirks, the spell is broken. "Thanks." Without thinking, he pokes the seal on her forehead.
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For as long as Sakura has had a bed big enough to have sides, she has slept on the left one. Maybe it's a habit built out of long nights spent in hospital on-call rooms and sleeping bags in the wilderness, but she tends to curl up into a ball and takes up as little space as possible. She always faces her night table because it has the quickest access to her snooze button.
She figures it's just a coincidence that he likes the right side but she can't argue her way out of how well he fits, spooned against her back.
When Sasuke got under the covers, he carefully folded his hands together over his chest as he lay on his back. Sakura had coughed quietly, "I need...um," she cleared her throat. "You need to be touching me."
She knows that he has personal space issues, so she really appreciates that he only hesitated for like 25 seconds.
It's 2 o'clock in the afternoon, they're both wide awake.
Sakura's mattress is old, she's worn in a groove shaped like her body and Sasuke keeps falling into it. He apologizes for the second time when he can't hold himself away from her. His chest keeps pressing closer. She's unsure if she's imagining that she can feel his heart beating against her spine.
"It's fine," she repeats, for her own benefit as well as his. This is fine.
Sasuke grunts and relaxes, the breath of it tickling her neck.
With his arms around her and his body close, it's getting harder and harder to keep her feelings in check. She bites her lip and pleads with the ceiling for bravery and respite all at once. "I think I'm ready to talk about it," she lies.
Sasuke doesn't answer right away and by the time he does, it startles her. "Where should I start?"
She takes her hand back from where it gripped his wrist at her waist. She holds it against her chest, as if she can heal the pain in her heart.
"Why did you do it?"
Sasuke sighs and it makes her hair tickle her neck.
"To protect you."
"This might surprise you, but I kind of assumed that." It does, actually.
A lock of hair falls in Sakura's face and she starts playing with it, just to give herself something to focus on.
"You're not a cruel man Sasuke. You don't ever do anything without a reason. You're my friend and I'd like to think I know you a little." Better than anyone ever has. "You would never betray us again."
He's touched at the faith she still has in him. He doesn't deserve it.
"Have you heard the name Sato Akio?"
"Think I've probably read it in a bingo book."
He knows that it's a figure of speech. She's certain that's where she read it. She could recite his stats right now if he asked her too. Her memory is a formidable thing and one of the first things he admired about her.
"Sato is at the top of a network of nukenin with ties to the Daimyo in the Land of Smoke. He's got his hands in human trafficking, drugs and other contraband."
"What does that have to do with me?"
His arms tighten around her. "Sakura." He says like he's surprised and disappointed in her. "You're a powerful woman and a key political figure to Konoha's future. People love you and look up to you. You negotiate trade and treaties, you have the highest level of clearance and are privy to state secrets that I can't even fathom."
As he builds her up, she feels so small. She's never had her accomplishments listed back at her like this.
"Can you imagine what would happen if you fell into enemy hands?"
She snorts, "I underwent counter-torture training, just like you."
Sasuke's nose flares and he bites his tongue to force down a retort. "Who was your first kiss?"
She wants to shriek in outrage, but what comes out instead is: "Ino! Hey-! What the f-!?"
He clears his throat and wishes he'd thought of a different question. Any question. It's hard when she's so close and now he can't look away from her lips. "I can compel the truth from you, through the bracelet."
"You knew I was bi right- that wasn't like a surpr-"
"-Sakura-"
"-I mean, not that I was ever into Ino. Gross-"
"-We've discussed it yes, but-"
"-But you know, when you're figuring stuff out-"
"-I wouldn't actually, but aren't you at all concerned-?"
"-Yes Sasuke. I am concerned about the fact that I'm compromised but I don't really want to deal with it right this second."
He clears his throat again and pulls away as far as he's able, while still technically cuddling her.
"What do you mean you wouldn't know? Your first kiss was Naruto."
"Confirmation that I didn't need, but thank you. Now drop it."
"Fine, fine."
"You are my friend Sakura. Nothing true that you could tell me about yourself would change the way I see you… and I won't do it again. I won't ever ask you a question that you don't want to answer."
She's quiet for a long time, but eventually she scoots back, traversing the space he gave her and presses her back to his chest again. She takes his arms and wraps them around herself.
"I won't abuse this, I promise. And I will find him for you. And anyone else who can perform this jutsu. Then we can end it. This doesn't have to be your problem."
She pats his hand. "Your problems are my problems Sasuke-kun. We're a team."
They're quiet the rest of the day and fall asleep as the sun dips below the treeline.
a/n: Thanks everyone for your encouragement and reviews! I love to hear what all of you think and I especially love to hear your righteous rage at Sasuke. Means it'll be a fun challenge winning you all back over ;)
Insert "Sasuke Did Nothing Wrong, Change My Mind" meme.
Kidding. Sasuke does most things wrong, let's be real.
