Chapter 13- Regret

58 Days After the National Outbreak

EPOV:

She stirs beside me, resting her head against my chest. What have I done? Regret fills my body, making it impossible to rest. I've stared into the darkness for hours, thinking about Kate, thinking about what I'm going to tell her when I see her again. I've never been unfaithful to a woman before, but things are different now. I don't know where my mind was when I was fucking Bella. That's not true. I knew where my mind was. I was so relieved she was alive… I wanted to feel alive, too. I was afraid. Knowing that any day could be our last on Earth, I want to make the most out of every second. So, was fucking Bella so wrong? Should I really feel so remorseful?

Another thought pops into my head. Do I truly feel remorseful? Am I regretful, or am I just playing the role because I know it's how I should feel or what is expected of me to feel. I should feel bad for what I've done - I should want to change it… but honestly, I don't. It felt good. I haven't felt good in so long. And while I'll never do it again, I don't regret it. I feel so peaceful now. I feel like all the tension inside of me has been released. I've been wound up so tightly for so long, constantly looking over my shoulder, waiting for the absolute worst. And now, with Bella laying beside me, I can pretend that life isn't so horrifying. How the fuck can you possibly feel good right now? Think about Kate! She's probably thinking of you right now, wondering when you'll make it to her. If only she could see you… if only she realized how deceitful you truly are!

Gently, I push Bella off of my body and sit up, smacking myself in the face to release my frustrations. I cheated on Kate. I cheated on the one person I always thought I loved more than myself. Apparently, my desires came first. I never even looked at Bella in that way. Sure, I thought she was beautiful, but never before had I sexualized her. I care for her, of course. She's my friend; I can't help but care for her. But I never imagined fucking her like this. I never imagined I would sink so low I would cheat on the one woman who stuck by me through thick and thin. Fuck. Fuck everything. How did I let things get so out of hand?

Bella stirs beside me, finally realizing that I'm no longer holding her. Her eyelids flutter and she yawns as she stretches, beginning to wake-up. She peers up at me with a confused look on her face and her eyes widen as she glances down only to find she's naked under my jacket, which I had draped across her body to keep her warm.

"We need to get moving soon. I haven't heard any noise from outside the building for a very long time."

I need to get to Kate. Now, I miss her more than ever.

"It's so early. Can't it wait until the sun rises?"

I know she's being reasonable; going out at night is dangerous. However, I'm antsy to get out of here, not wanting to fully face what I've done. What we've done. From the look on Bella's face, she feels just as guilty. Past her weariness, I can see her remorse. She has someone in her life, too.

"I'd prefer if we left now."

"But-" she stops herself, taking in my dark gaze. "All right. We can leave now. Just give me a little bit of time to get ready. We also need to get as much food, water, and medicine as we can carry. We ran out of band-aids days ago and my feet are becoming one giant blister."

She forces out a laugh. I can tell she feels just as awkward about this as I do. She shouldn't feel awkward - we shouldn't feel awkward. What's done, is done. There's no turning back. Besides, maybe the sex was good for us. We worked off some built-up tension, and could be more focused because of it. Way to look on the brightside, Cullen. Whatever helps you sleep at night.

"I'll start filling up my bag while you get ready," I assure her. Taking in the crestfallen look on her face, I add, "What we did-"

"Was wrong," she whispers.

"It had to happen," I add out of nowhere, surprising myself. "It's natural. We needed to do that to survive. I feel like we both had so much stress. It was just a… well… instinctual thing."

"Those things out there, they make their decisions on instincts, too."

My eyes widen in disbelief. "So, you're comparing what we did to them?"

"I'm saying we're no better." Her reply is weak, lacking conviction. She feels it, too. She feels like she should feel remorse… but doesn't. "We're no better because, like them, we're controlled by our instincts."

"So, what, you think those things out there are nothing more than animals?"

This hits close to home. I can see it in her eyes. She gulps, looking away before answering, "I don't know. I want to believe they're something more. I want to believe they're still attached to their humanity, but I don't know. I can't know. I'm not the one to look to for answers."

"But, yesterday they were on top of you, cannibalizing one of their own… didn't you come to some sort of conclusion about them? Do they seem human to you?"

She stares off into space. "No," she answers as a tear falls from her eye. She brushes it away. "No, I don't think they have even a thread of their humanity anymore. They just seem so… mindless. There isn't a trace of the person they once were."

"That's what I thought. They said it was a virus but now I'm thinking-"

"I have to get ready," she interrupts, standing up with my jacket covering all of her bits. She turns on her heel to leave, but before doing so, she comments, "Let's just put last night behind us. You're right, we needed it, but that doesn't make it right, Edward. Let's just forget it happened, and move on. Can you do that?"

"Yes."

"Good." She picks up her things and stalks off.

I watch her go, wishing I could say more. What we did together was more than "instinctual." At the time it felt that way. No, at the time it felt like something more. I push the thought away, knowing she and I can lead to nothing. Even if I weren't with Kate… Closing my eyes for a moment, I picture her in my mind, wishing she were here with me. If she was, my mind would be so much clearer. I wouldn't be so terribly confused. What's more confused, my mind or my heart?

Opening my eyes, I know what I have to do: keep moving forward. That's the only way to survive - moving forward with hope in your heart. Bella returns, now fully clothed and ready to get back on the road. She won't look at me. I notice this right away as she keeps her eyes on the floor and grabs her things without a word. She shouldn't feel ashamed, we both did something reprehensible; we were both unfaithful. At least we can share in that guilt. The constant stress had just worn us both down. It's no excuse - nothing is - but it's all I've got.

"You ready, Bella?"

Finally, her eyes meet mine. They're so tired - so sad. I'm captivated by them for a moment before she drops her gaze back to the floor. Seeing her this way is unsettling; for someone so strong all the time, she shouldn't be afraid of anything. She can face zombies, but she can't face me.

"Bella, I'm sorry."

"What's done, is done." She bites down on her lip. Her face flushes as she continues. "I'm sorry. I'm just not feeling like myself today. Sometimes, I'm worried that I barely recognize myself anymore."

Something's weighing on her mind, I can see it. The thought dances in her eyes and she continues to bite down on her lip, as if she were desperately trying to contain whatever thought she's entertaining. I want to ask, but part of me wonders if I should. I watch her as she hunches over her backpack, sorting through supplies as though her life depended on it. She's a lot like me when I'm trying to clear my mind. I cross the room and lower myself to the ground, kneeling at her side.

"I think that whatever's been troubling you… well, I think it's more than just last night. Whatever it is, you can tell me. I'm your friend, Bella. I'm here for you. You were there for me when I told you about Kate. You listened to me ramble on and on and never once complained. You're a caring person, but let someone else care for you every once and awhile."

"Someone did," she whispers, her eyes becoming wet with tears.

"Are they waiting for you, Bella. Do you know where they are?"

"Let's not talk about them," she replies firmly.

Them? Has she more than just a man in her life? Does she have a family, as well? Bella, with a family of her own… Is she a mother? With her kind heart and giving nature, I could easily see her being a mom. I open my mouth to ask her more, but the hurt look in her chocolate brown eyes snaps my mouth shut.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be," she pauses, managing a small smile before she continues, "Thank you for what you said. If I would talk to anyone about this, I would talk to you." She pauses again and then giggles sadly. "What am I saying. If it weren't for you, I would have no one to talk to."

"Well, thanks a lot." I smirk, although, my voice feigns offense.

She rolls her eyes. "Other people crossed my path before you, you know? Of course, I avoided them at all costs. The only reason I stuck with you was because I trust you."

"And because we're headed the same way."

"And because of that."

** A New Dawn **

Back on our trek, we find nothing more than empty streets and dark ominous clouds rolling above. I gaze up at the dark skies, realizing it hasn't rained in a very long time. When was the last time it rained? Before the outbreak? God, I can't remember. It's felt so blistering hot for so long, I forgot the world had another thing to offer us. I glance at Bella, who's basking in the cool breeze at my side. She looks relaxed, which is a huge relief. After this morning, I was unsure what our friendship was going to become. I feared she would stop talking to me entirely, which would be devastating, considering she's all I have now. Even if she weren't, I'd be just as hurt.

"Do you feel that?"

"What?" I ask, watching her as she tilts her face to the sky.

"It's going to rain soon. I love the rain."

"I can't say that I loved it before, but after days in the heat, I do now."

"You didn't like the rain?"

"Not particularly. Why are you so fond of it?"

"I don't know." She shrugs. "My mom told me I used to play in the rain when I was a little girl. I would run outside as soon as I heard the droplets hit my window and would dance until she screamed at me to come in. I've always loved the water. Especially now. It feels like forever since it rained. I can't believe I was so wrapped up in everything, I hadn't noticed."

Lightening crackles through the sky, causing Bella's grin to widen. She takes off the ball cap she had stolen from me earlier just as the rain begins to fall. She smiles. Not just any smile, but a true smile. Her happiness illuminates her in my eyes, causing her to shine brightly against the darkness of the harsh skies. Sticking her tongue out, she catches droplets of rain water on its tip before smiling again. She looks so young - so happy. This must be what she looked like before the virus took its toll on our country: free and vibrant.

"Doesn't it feel wonderful?"

"I guess so," I answer, smiling.

"Isn't the sky beautiful like this?"

Looking at her, I answer, "Yes."

A growling in the distance is the only thing that tears my eyes away from her. Looking over my shoulder, I find a hoard of them coming toward us. I wish I could leave Bella to enjoy these few moments of happiness while I go deal with them on my own, but there's too many and I know that'd be impossible.

"Bella-"

"I hear them," she cuts me off, her head still titled toward the sky. "How close are they now?"

"A few yards away."

"Let's be quick about this, then. I think the lightning will start soon and I want to enjoy the show."

With that, she slips her gun out of its holster and faces the hoard of zombies coming directly for us. I wonder if the winds made it easier for them to smell us. That's how they hunt, after all; by smell and touch. From what I've gathered, it doesn't seem like they can see much of anything.

Fearless, Bella breaks out into a run and I'm quick to follow. She shoots one after another, quick to reload before killing even more. I'm so mesmerized by her skill, my kill count is miniscule compared to hers. After she's finished, she turns to me and breathes a sigh of relief.

"I killed twenty-seven," she proudly states.

"Is this a game now?" I question as I stow my guns.

"We need something to entertain us."

"I suppose so."

"What was your number?"

Something over her shoulder catches my eye. There's something written in white spray paint on an old highway sign. My legs move on their own accord as I pass Bella, making my way to the sign to get a better look. As soon as I can read the words, I stop, staring in disbelief.

Vantage Point

Go straight

Follow the map

My eyes drop to the faded map nailed to the sign. It's a straight shot, a few miles into the woods. We're so close.

"What is it?" I hear Bella ask as she approaches me.

She stands by my side, thoughtfully reading the sign before a sigh passes through her lips.

"You'll be reunited soon, then."

"I hope."

"You will. I know it."

Just a few more miles. We've come so far. I can make it a few miles more. For Kate. I close my eyes for a moment, allowing the image of her to fill my mind. Her sweet smile appears against the darkness of my eyelids and for a split second, I can feel the woman I love standing beside me. I bask in her warmth.

"Let's get moving, then," Bella says, moving away from my side and toward the street.

"There'll be a place for you there. I promise."

She stops and turns to face me. A sad smile tugs on her lips. "There won't. I have something I need to do. I'm happy for you, Edward. I'm thankful you came with me this far. But this is the end for me."

"At least stay for a night. Rest and have something to eat. It's a sanctuary. I'm sure they'll have something for you."

She mulls it over for a moment, rocking from one foot to the other, before nodding. "One night. One night and I'll be on my way. I know you wanted to help me, Edward, but you should see your face now. I knew that once we found her, that would be the end of the road for you. I've always known and I've never begrudged you for it because I knew if I were in your position, I would do the same."

"Bella-"

"I want you to be happy. At least give me that. Let me know that one of us has found happiness."

"We'll come with you," I insist.

She isn't convinced and I don't blame her. Instead of arguing, she begins to move toward the forest. "Let's talk about it tomorrow. Tonight, we'll find Kate."

A/N: So guys…. What do you think of this development in their relationship? See you guys tomorrow! Please leave a review. :)