Chapter 16- Search for Answers

60 Days After the National Outbreak

EPOV:

Her hope is dwindling, I can feel her sadness radiating off of her body in waves. In spite of our progress, she hasn't smiled in days. And, despite my own misfortunes, I've been desperately trying to see her face light up. If even for a moment. One smile from her could illuminate us both from the darkness surrounding us. This whole journey has been nothing but darkness… nothing but pain.

Every night, I ask her why she's going on this journey - why she's so desperate to make it to the CDC. What could they possibly tell her? The world around us is so bleak, so depressing, that I highly doubt we'll hear a single positive word. How could anyone fix this? Everything has deteriorated so quickly. Frankly, I can barely remember what the world looked like before all this happened. Staring at the road full of abandoned vehicles ahead of us, I realize I miss traffic. I miss seeing humans practically overflowing in the cities. With dead bodies lining the roads and blood splatters and destruction everywhere, I barely recognize Nashville as we drive into the city to gather more supplies. With twilight fast approaching, I know we've got to be quick. My body is already practically buzzing with nerves as I consider the possibility of facing another hoard of zombies, wondering how many more close calls I can take. Images from last night fill my mind. I almost lost her… My eyes quickly leave the road and shoot to Bella, finding her sitting silently at my side. Once again, I thought I lost her, and once again I fucked her into the early hours of the morning.

Even now, I can feel the softness of her bare skin pressed against mine. While I needed to feel her alive and well, it was more than that… far more than that. I need to exorcise Kate from my mind. After what she did… Well, there's no forgiving it. I'm sure that is far more hypocritical than I care to admit, but it's true. We're both different people now. Or, perhaps, we always were. Maybe we've always been different and I just never cared to notice it until now. I was comfortable with her, but did I truly love her like I thought I did? Was I just confused? No, I know I loved her at one point in my life. There was a point in time, when I was younger and less jaded, that I did love her. She was right for me once, but not anymore. It's clear that she's felt the same way for some time. Were we too comfortable to admit it to each other? Or were we just too deluded. Perhaps we both believed ourselves to be in love. Fuck, I don't know. Now that our lives have all been cut short, I'm not going to waste mine on a woman I don't love. I'll look to the future - whatever future I may have. Can one truly look toward the future in a world like this?

"Edward! The road!"

I slam on the break just in time to avoid swerving into an abandoned car on the side of the road.

"Sorry, I wasn't paying attention."

She nods, leaning over to check the fuel gauge.

"Almost empty," she murmurs. "We should go ahead and dump this car before it runs out of gas, while we're still in an area with plenty of abandoned cars. Otherwise, we might have to walk for a while before we find another car."

I nod and slowly park the car that's gotten us a few hundred miles on the side of the road. Sliding out of the driver's seat, I grab my stuff and cross the front of the car to open her door for her. Just as I'm about to reach for it, she swings it open, grabbing her things, as well.

"Maybe we can find another car after we've gathered our supplies."

"Sure." She shrugs. "We can't stay out long, though. It will be dark soon enough."

"Do you want to set up camp inside the city somewhere?"

"No, I want to keep on driving."

"We can't drive through the night. It's dangerous."

"If we drive through the night, we could be there by tomorrow afternoon. We've stopped too many times. I just want to get there," she grits out, obviously frustrated with me.

For the first few days of the trip, I was basically useless, despite wanting to try for her. After finding out the truth about the two people I trusted the most, part of me wanted to give up. Bella was the only thing that kept me going. I knew she couldn't make this journey alone, regardless of her comments on the contrary. She's strong, but no one's strong enough to face this by themselves. In fact, part of what kept me going was her strength. Seeing her so fierce, fighting in ways I believed I never could, was inspiring. She's faced violence, death, and destruction and it's made her into a warrior. At least, that's what I see when I look at her. Only when I'm inside of her, do I feel her soften and let her guard down. In those moments it feels like she forgets about everything else. In those moments, there's just us… how I wish it always could be.

She leads the way as we search for supplies. She likes to feel in charge; in a world of chaos, it's nice to feel in control of something, even if it is something so small. We scavenge what's left in the different shops and convenience stores. Our own clothes being putrid, we gather new outfits and change. For a moment, I feel like a new man. My eyes rise from my brand new boots to find Bella, standing completely still a few yards away from me wearing a new shirt, a jacket and underwear. She's not looking at me. Instead, she's staring at the kids' clothing section. Hesitantly, I go to her, wondering what has caused her sudden change in demeanor. A moment ago she was fine but now… now she looks to be on the verge of tears.

"Bella…?" I begin to question, wishing I could find the right words to say to her. I've never been good at comforting people and I don't have a single notion as to what's wrong with her. Her eyes well up with tears and this time, I can't help but question, "What is it?"

My eyes follow her line of sight, to find her looking at a small selection of boys' shoes. Maybe I'm right… maybe she is a mother. Maybe her little boy is out there somewhere in the world missing her, while she's here, by my side missing him.

"I'm so sorry. If you need to talk-"

"I don't want to talk. I just want to stop thinking about this. Every day, he's all I see… all I think about. I wish I could forget for a moment. But then, I feel guilty for even thinking that. I shouldn't want to forget him. He's my son. What kind of mother wants to forget their only child?"

Tears stream down her face as I pull her against me. She buries her face in my neck, sobbing until she can't cry anymore. I hold her in my arms the whole time, never letting her go. She fights me, she cries out, she sobs some more, and I never lose my grip. She's my lifeline, doesn't she get that? And maybe I'm hers… or is that just wishful thinking on my part?

"We'll get him back."

"I'm not so sure," she whispers.

"Why not? You've been so optimistic up until now."

"No, I've been deluding myself about everything. I was hanging onto hope and now, I don't think I should have. Do you see those things out there, Edward? Do they look like they're ever going to be cured? Do they look like they should have any hope?! They're not people - at least, not anymore. God, I've been so fucking naive. I just… I don't know what to think anymore."

"Is he… is your son…" God, it sounds too awful to even question aloud.

"I don't want to talk now. Please don't make me. Can't I just forget for a moment? Is that so wrong of me to want?"

"No." I pause, looking upon her crestfallen face. "Is that why you're so desperate to make it to D.C.? Is that why you're so desperate to look for a cure?"

She remains silent, and instead of replying, she presses her full lips against mine, answering my question. My heart breaks for her. Her kiss is so desperate, as if she's searching for something and is terrified that she'll never find it. Her hands frantically move down my body, caressing me for a moment before reaching down to unbuckle my pants and unzip my fly. I'm shocked she wants to do this here, especially after the revelation I've just had, but I suppose I shouldn't be. I understand the need for skin to skin contact, for comfort when you believe all hope is lost.

Slowly, I lower her to the floor beneath me as she yanks my pants and underwear down. I pull away to breathe, but she doesn't seem to need air. Her lips frantically search for mine as her eyes remain closed as she waits for my touch.

"Bella, baby, slow down," I tell her, as she thrusts her hips against me.

There's something about this time that's different. This is more than fucking. We both know that. Just the way she moves against me is different. This change feels as though it's been building for days between us. Our desire, mixed with so many emotions I can't name, sparks in the air surrounding us. We both feel it as I finally thrust inside of her. She gasps, then moans and shudders against me. Usually, I plow into her until I can't hear my own thoughts, until I forget all about the pain in my heart, but this time, I take things slow.

My lips move gently against hers, tempering her violent desperation. She wants it hard and fast, but I'm not in the mood to give that to her. I need it slow; I need this time with her to be meaningful. Our days seem so numbered now, and being with her this way makes me feel so incredibly alive. As I thrust into her warm center, I wonder how I went without this my entire life. She's so different; she's everything. Her lips consume me completely as her body opens up further for mine.

"You're perfect. Do you know that?" I question as I continue to move slowly, deeply within her.

She gasps for air, tugging on my hair as her body begs for me to move faster. I reach down and grab her hip with my right hand, my nails digging slightly into her skin as I try to calm her needy movements. I kiss her gently, wanting her to feel how much I care for her. Instead she bites down on my bottom lip, drawing blood before pulling away and smiling up at me with lustful eyes. She looks so carefree - so much younger than she did mere moments before. I lick my bottom lip, tasting the iron of my blood. Now, I can't help myself, I begin to pick up my pace, allowing my cock to plow into her. We can make love together later, but for now, on the floor of a store with most of our clothes still on, I just want to rock against her until we both reach our own little euphoria.

"You're perfect," she finally replies, sounding breathless. "Did you know that? You make me forget about..." she has to pause, gasping for air as I pound into her, "everything else. When I'm with you, like this, I forget."

After a few more thrusts, she falls apart, crying out as she rides the waves of her orgasm. When I feel mine approaching, I thrust once more before pulling out, working myself over her stomach. With my free hand, I pull her shirt up, revealing her bra and cleavage, giving myself room to come on her bare skin. She watches me, her eyes transfixed on the sight of me touching myself, and that image of her alone is enough to throw me over the edge. I come all over her, feeling freer than I have in days. I feel all the tension in my body release as I come. I smile, feeling content as I move off of her and join her on the floor. Reaching for her old shirt, I wipe my cum away, despite enjoying the way it looks on her pale skin.

"Thank you," she whispers, nuzzling up against me as soon as I'm stretched across the floor at her side. "I needed that."

"So, did I. Although, it was more than just that, Bella. It was-"

"Don't," she murmurs, unable to look at me. "I feel the same way, but don't. Not now. Not yet. Maybe… maybe we're both just under a lot of stress. Maybe we're both just confused."

"Is that what you think this is?"

"No," she replies without hesitation. "It's just… I can't give myself to you. You have to understand that. Maybe if things were different and we were under far different circumstances."

"I understand."

I do. I truly do understand and I don't harbor a single negative feeling toward her. She has so much going on in her life and so do I. We can't get lost in love. Now that I know why she's doing this, I can't allow anything to jeopardize our mission to save her son. That would be selfish of us, and love - if that's really what this is - is not selfish. But fuck, would I like to be selfish. I'd like to never leave this store. I'm sure part of her feels the same way.

"Should we get going? If you don't want to spend the night in the city, we have to go find a car and be on our way."

She hesitates for a moment, weighing her options as her eyes move back to the small display of kids' shoes. "Yeah, we need to get going. Let's get our stuff together and head out," she responds sadly.

As we head out of the shop we were in, I can't help but feel anxious about what awaits us. What if she receives bad news. What if, with all the months that have past since the virus started to spread, they still haven't found a cure. How long can they work on one with the world crumbling around them? I want Bella to be happy; I want her son to be safe, but what if being hopeful truly is being delusional like she previously said? I keep my mouth shut about my fears as we make our way out into the city. It's pitch-black without the city lights. The jarring sounds of moans in the distant sends a shiver down my spine. So many of their voices coming from so many directions. Bella is still by my side as if she were calculating her next move.

"I can go hotwire a car and drive it here if you're willing to wait."

"No," she says instantly, her voice frightened, "I want to go with you."

"It's not-"

"You need me to watch your back," she reasons.

She's right, I probably will need her, especially if all of my focus is on hotwiring a car. "Fine, but stay mindful. Do you have those flashlights?"

She nods and quickly slides her backpack off of her shoulders, rifling through it before pulling out the two small, LED flashlights we found under a pile of clothes at a sporting goods store. She turns one on and passes it to me with a shaky hand before turning on her own. She then zips up her backpack and slides it back onto her shoulders. With our small source of light in hand, we venture out into the darkness.

After only a few steps onto the street, we grab our knives, knowing that the sounds of gunfire will draw too much attention. While I hate using the knife, hating the blood that will inevitably splash against my face, my companion doesn't seem to mind one bit. She takes down one after another, barely pausing to breathe, as we fight our way toward several abandoned cars. It's difficult, not only hotwiring a car, but finding a car to hotwire that has a full tank of gas. I've learned to choose a car with bodies still inside… which can be tricky for many reasons but my reasoning behind this is, if the bodies are still in the car, it probably means they didn't abandon it because it ran out of gas.

My knife plunges into three more heads before I reach a car that looks promising. It's an older model Honda Civic with an older couple dead inside. From the looks of the bloodstains on the windows and interior, they didn't die from natural causes. I don't have time to mourn their deaths, not with so many of the living dead moving around us. Instead, I pull them gently from the car while Bella pulls out her pistol and keeps a lookout. Hearing the sounds of the dead approaching, I'm quick to get the car going. However, my hopes are dashed as soon as I realize there's less than a quarter of a tank of gas. I look through the windshield to find a group of those things approaching us. Well, I guess we'll just have to make due for now.

"Bella, get in the car, it's ready."

She turns to me and nods, putting the safety on her gun and sliding it back into her holster before walking to the passenger side door. I put the car in drive as soon as she shuts the door and is safely inside.

"I have an idea," I murmur as I look at the group of at least twenty zombies moving toward us.

"An idea? What are you talking about?"

She must somehow feel the adrenaline coursing through my veins. Why should we be wasting our bullets if we don't have to? This car is practically out of gas and we would have to leave it behind anyway. Why not use the vehicle to our advantage?

"Are you thinking, what I'm thinking?"

She looks at my grip on the steering wheel and the group moving slowly toward us. Her eyes dart back and forth before a smile finally tugs on her sweet, but chapped lips.

"Are you sure?"

"Well, there's a first time for everything," I comment as I move my foot to the gas pedal.

As we crash into their bodies, a feeling of liberation overwhelms me. They fly over the hood of the car, looking more dead than ever. Blood and guts splatter the windshield and the old car jars back and forth as bodies pile up in front of us. I slam on the gas, propelling us over the bodies, crushing them under the tires as the car flies into the air. Bella gasps beside me, holding onto the dashboard as we come crashing back down to the street. I look in the rearview mirror and find that the hoard of zombies is now smeared along the road.

"Holy shit," Bella murmurs, leading my eyes to follow her line of sight.

The hood of the car is smoking. I swing open my car door just as she does the same. I grab my backpack from the backseat as Bella sprints from the car with her backpack and gun in her grasp. I follow her into the darkness, knowing the car is moments away from lighting up the night. A few blocks away, Bella stops and with our heads peeking out from the edge of an alleyway, we watch the car spark into flames against the night sky.

"Well, that was some idea."

"It worked, at least."

"It worked. Now we have to find another car, though."

"We will."

She smiles at me. "That was a neat trick."

"I guess we have to get innovative when it comes to entertaining ourselves," I comment with a shrug as we make our way back onto the street.

** A New Dawn **

Night falls as we reach D.C.. We drove through the night and the whole next day. Switching cars and drivers, time and time again. Bella's exhausted. I'm exhausted, but we're here. I thought she would be excited, and maybe the weariness is affecting that, but she just seems so… sad - sad and filled with nerves. I reach out to take her hand, holding it over the center console. I rub the tension out of her hand with my thumb, trying to get her to meet my gaze.

"Bella, whatever is going to happen, will happen. No amount of nerves will change the future."

"I know," she snaps before cringing at her own tone. "Sorry, it's just… what if it's bad news… or no news at all? I came all this way. We came all this way and it could all be for nothing."

"Even if it were for nothing, I'm so thankful I was able to come on this journey with you."

Finally, she meets my gaze, her eyes wet with unshed tears. "I'm thankful for you, too. Without you… God, Edward, I'm not sure I could've done this. I know I'm strong, but you make me so much stronger."

Leaning across the console, I press my lips against hers. I take a moment to enjoy the feel of her and the blissful ignorance surrounding us right now. When she pulls away, that feeling evaporates and accepting our fate, we both look ahead. The large glass windows of the Center for Disease Control are daunting. I don't know how we'll make it inside, or how any of this will work out, but I'll try for the woman next to me. In the short time I've known her, I've already realized that I'd do anything for her. Grabbing her chin, I bring her lips to mine once more.

"We'll get through this, I promise," I tell her as I unlock the doors of the car.

A/N: They made it to the CDC! I think I'll post the final two chapters tomorrow. So, see you all tomorrow! Please review!