Chapter Twenty-One (Michael POV)

It's been three weeks, four days and six hours since Jane asked me for space. The thought comes unbidden into my mind as I stand in line for my morning coffee. It irritates me because I was sure that I'd begun to move past the point of caring. But I really shouldn't be surprised that I'm thinking about her. I usually do whenever I'm feeling vulnerable.

In the beginning the pain of her rejection had been like a constant churning in my stomach. I had a difficult time accepting the fact that it was really over between us. Not when everything was different because I finally knew the whole truth about what happened to me. Not when I'd just discovered the magnitude of Lorena's betrayal. Not when I now understand how significant it is that Jane and I had managed to fall in love with each other all over again despite the crazy odds. If I hadn't believed we were meant for each other before that, I certainly believed it now.

So, at first, I'd remained stubbornly determined to get her to talk to me. I texted and I called until she finally blocked my number. But I didn't let that deter me because I really believed that she was hurting like I was. I went to her house, only to be gently but firmly turned away by her mother and grandmother more than once. I was even desperate enough to show up at the Marbella one time to intercept her at work, which in hindsight hadn't been one of my brightest ideas because it ended with me being escorted from the grounds by security. Not one of my finer moments.

Still, I couldn't give up the hope that she would eventually give me a chance. Then I could fully explain to her how I had been conditioned to hate Rafael, how that had been Sin Rostro's plan all along…to turn me into a weapon and then send me back to her and Mateo like a ticking timebomb. That was the reason why, as more and more of my memory had returned, my animosity towards Rafael would grow and grow. That was the reason I had gone after him with such ferocity. If I could make her understand that then I knew she would forgive me.

But as the days dragged on, it became very clear that Jane wasn't interested in my explanations or forgiveness. Only one day after I tried to see her at the Marbella, Rafael put a restraining order in place that made it criminal for me to be within 20 feet of him or his family and Jane hadn't tried to circumvent that move. In fact, she had been listed as one of the complainants. Now I can't go near her or Mateo without it being a criminal offense. That was the moment it became abundantly evident to me that she was really and truly done and that I had to move on.

Putting that realization into action, however, was really hard. At first, I was too weighted down by depression and anxiety to even try. I couldn't eat, didn't sleep and barely wanted to leave my mother's house. I had never felt more alone in my entire life, not even after the first time Jane broke our engagement to go chasing after Rafael Solano. And the worst part was, I was locked into that pain. No matter where I turned or what I did, it was always there, chipping away at what was left of my heart. I was in physical pain at times. My bones literally ached. I could barely find the energy to climb out of bed.

I'd endured one of the darkest periods in my whole life and, when everything was beginning to unravel, all I'd wanted was Jane. I had needed her like I had never needed anyone or anything in my life. I needed her support and her comfort and her calming presence. There were days when I thought I wouldn't be able to make it past my anguish, when my future seemed bleak and worthless but now, nearly a month later, I've tucked away the love I feel for her in the deepest recesses of my shattered heart and I can breathe again. I'm starting to think I might be okay.

It was a tough road, riddled with many setbacks. I had to make a conscious effort to put her out of my mind . I kept myself busy in various activities so I didn't have time to think. Lately, I've been working closely with the police to convict Rose Solano of her crimes against me and my family. I've also been faithfully attending my therapy sessions with Dr. Beavers and spending more quality time with my parents. When I'm not doing that, I'm preparing for my own impending court case.

In essence, I keep myself occupied, filling up my days with things to do. I go and go and go until I'm too exhausted to go any further and then I fall asleep to wake up the next day and do it all over again. It's an exhausting schedule but that's what I want. I don't ever let myself stop because when I stop I think about Jane and I think about Lorena and I need to avoid that at all costs. It's been a little easier to put Jane out of my head. I had to do that for mental survival. Lorena, on the other hand, has been a bit trickier to push aside.

I haven't gone to see her since she was arrested and placed into protective custody because as soon as her arrest became known to Sin Rostro she had a target on her back. But I can't squelch the small part of me that's worried about her. As a result, I've thought about seeing her numerous times.

Like my feelings for Jane, my feelings for Lorena are murky and bundled up in confusion and anger. I still care about her, love her even but I also hate her. She took advantage of me and manipulated me and, no matter how compelling her motivation, I can't see my way past that. But, at the same time, it's not easy to see her as a heartless monster. It's not easy to ignore my need for answers. I want an explanation, something to help me deal with the bitterness she's stirred up inside me and make sense of everything that has happened to me.

In hindsight I can recognize what a horrible mistake it had been but, regardless, I had once trusted Lorena completely. There wasn't a part of my life or my heart to which she hadn't been granted full access. In fact, there had been a time in my life when she had been the only person I trusted and now… Now I can't think of her without feeling sick. And while part of me wants to confront her if only for the sake of closure, part of me also knows that I will never be satisfied no matter what she tells me because I will never be able to believe a word she says ever again.

Still, the "whys" persisted nonetheless. Why did Sin Rostro have me kidnapped? Why did she hold me captive for so long? Why did she go out of her way to destroy me and my family this way? Had her hatred for me been that strong? Was she really so angry that I kept going after her that she had to ruin my life? Why have a personal vendetta against me when I was nothing more than a cop doing his job?

The questions kept plaguing me and there were only two people in the entire world who could answer them for me: Lorena and Sin Rostro herself. I'd have to swallow my pride and approach one of them. And since Lorena wasn't an option, I decided to go with the only choice that remained.

I wrestled with the decision for a full week before finally committing to the idea that I would visit Rose Solano in prison. When I announced my plans to my family and therapist, however, it did not go over very well. My parents thought it was a lunatic decision and Dr. Beavers was adamant that I was risking a setback if I did but it felt like something I had to do. I needed the answers. I knew I'd never be able to move on with my life without them. So this morning, I got up and I got dressed and I went to visit Rose Solano in the state penitentiary where she was currently serving her prison sentence.

Dr Beavers was right. It did turn out to be a terrible mistake but I think it's one I'm glad I made.

"Detective Cordero," she greets me with a pleasant smile, "To what do I owe the pleasure?" I am amazed at how poised and coolly unruffled she seems even in a bright, orange prison jumpsuit and with the prospect of life in prison before her. She exudes confidence. It is as if she knows that she still holds all of the cards.

Conversely, I am sweating and jittery with nerves. My heart is pounding so hard and so fast I fear my emotions might actually get the better of me at any moment. "I'm not a detective anymore," I tell her, my jaw set tight with anger, "You should know that already…since it was you're the reason I'm not."

She emits a small grunt of exaggerated regret. "What a shame that is too. I had so grown to love our game of cat and mouse. You were always so close but always one step behind. Don't you remember?"

I don't have time for her games and I'm not in the mood to play coy so I dive straight to the reason for my visit. "You know why I'm here, Rose, so just admit that you've done! Tell me why!"

She blinks at me with wide, innocent eyes and says, "I have no idea what you mean, Detective. What is it that you've think I've done?"

It takes all I have to keep from banging my fist against the bulletproof partition that separates us. Thankfully so, because I would gladly wring her neck at this moment. "You know damn well what I'm talking about," I flare, "You killed my brother! You had me kidnapped! You ruined my life! I want to know why!"

"You give me far too much credit, Detective Cordero. While all of that does sound very much like my mode of operations, I've been in prison all this time so how could I possibly be responsible for all those bad, bad things?"

"Don't play games with me! I know you have a network of flunkies just waiting for the chance to do your bidding!"

"Maybe I had that sort of power once, Detective, but not anymore. Thanks to Rafael…and you."

"You're lying. But it doesn't matter because I'm going to nail you for everything you've done. And, if I get my way, you'll die in here…maybe sooner than you expect."

"Should you really be handing out prison sentences right now? From what I've heard, you'll be in a cell of your own soon. Didn't you try to kill my dear stepson recently?"

"I'm sure that's what you wanted but it didn't happen and it's not going to happen. There's no way I'm letting you turn me into something I'm not. You've stolen enough from me already."

"Good luck proving it."

I grip the phone so hard I'm surprised it doesn't snap in two. "Just tell me why you did it."

She leans in close then, her mouth set in a grim line when she states in a tone as hard as steel, "You and Rafael stole everything that ever mattered to me. Luisa, my freedom, my business, the respect of my associates. I had nothing and no one. Rafael ruined me but you gave him the ammunition to do it."

"You're a criminal, Rose, and a killer. If you lost anything, you brought it on yourself."

"Oh, Detective, so self-righteous and indignant, even after everything you've done. It seems to me that you're just as much a killer as I am." Her mouth curls in a slow smile of satisfaction. "Or, at least, you have the potential to become one."

"Only because of you…because you messed with my head!"

"Again, you'll have to prove that. In the meantime, you should know that I'm still one step ahead."

"How do you figure that? You're in prison and you're never getting out. Not to mention the fact that your little plan failed. I didn't kill Rafael and I'm not going to be your pawn anymore either. You did all of this for nothing!"

"Did I?" Her smile doesn't falter an iota. It remains a chilling, unsettling smirk full of self-assurance. "Maybe you didn't kill Rafael and maybe you won't go to prison for attacking him but I still own you, Detective Cordero." She taps her temple, her ice blue eyes gleaming with satisfaction. "I'm in here. No matter where you go or what you do, I'll always be in your head. That is your prison and you'll always know that I'm the one who put you there."

The encounter left me shaken and dissatisfied, not because I hadn't gotten her to confess to what she had done because I hadn't really expected that she would. Instead, I found myself terrified that she might be right after all. What is she was still in my head? What if what happened with Rafael was just the beginning of something more sinister?

After I left the state detention center behind, eager to put as much distance between me and Rose Solano as I could, I continued to ponder the veracity of her words. Maybe she did still own me. I can't be sure what she put in my head or if what happened with Rafael the other night was an isolated incident. She had easily exploited my deepest insecurities. What other weaknesses had she discovered?

Maybe it could happen again. And what if it did? What if I hurt someone I hurt Jane or, worse yet, Mateo?

For the first time since Jane cut off contact with me I'm actually glad she did it. I'm relieved that she ran and it certainly seems like she made the right call. Right now, I don't know what I'm capable of. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's the reason she cut off contact with me in the first place. She knows I'm too dangerous and unstable to be around her and Mateo.

Anyone else facing such a bleak prospect of existence would have probably gone out and drank themselves into unconsciousness after that but my practical side wasn't having that. After all, it's still relatively early in the morning and boozing it up certainly didn't seem like the wisest choice. I've got a tentative enough hold of my life as it is. I don't need to take the chance of being arrested again and, in my current state of mind, that was a distinct possibility. So, I decide on an alternative then and that was how I found myself standing in line on the boardwalk for a fancy, food truck coffee.

After I finish making my purchase, I turn to head towards the beach, hoping that a walk in the fresh air will help to settle my jumbled thoughts when I catch a glimpse of him from the corner of my eye. And it feels like every bit of progress I've made in the last few weeks is reduced to nothing. Rogelio.

My former father-in-law and self-appointed best friend. He is crossing the street with a baby stroller, manning it with one hand and eating an ice cream cone with the other. For a brief moment, I'm overjoyed to see him again and I want to call him over but then I remember that talking to him likely would lead to talking about Jane and I'm in a headspace for that. Better I leave without acknowledging him at all.

Unfortunately, he spots me just as I've decided to against flagging him down and the choice is taken out of my hands. His face brightens with a happy smile and he quickly starts making his way over to me. I stand there anxiously while he closes the distance between us. Every muscle in my body is aching with tension as I try to prepare myself for the exuberant hug I know is coming.

"Michael!" he cries before throwing his arms around me in a rib crushing embrace, "My good friend! How have you been? I have missed you so much!"

I step away to favor him with a nervous, but genuine smile. "Oh hey, Rogelio. How's it going?"

"How is it going?" he repeats with his typical dramatic flair, "How is it going? You fall off the face of the earth for an entire month and you seriously ask me how is it going?"

"Uh…well, there is a restraining order so…"

"Yes. Yes, I'm aware," he commiserates, "That is unfortunate. But you and I are friends and I do not have a restraining order against you. You should have leaned on me during this difficult time."

"I'm sure that would have been awkward. I did put your grandson's father in the hospital after all."

"Also very unfortunate. I will admit that I was shocked when I heard of your altercation with Rafael," Rogelio replies, "But I know you, my friend. I am sure you had a valid reason for reacting as you did. Besides, he's fine now and he required only a little plastic surgery."

"That's not really the point."

"You're right. The point is that we have had this distance between us for too long. It is time for us to bring the bromance back. There is no reason for you to feel ashamed or isolate yourself. You can always confide in me, Michael."

His willingness to give me the benefit of the doubt makes me feel extremely grateful but also rather undeserving at the same time. It's humbling to know that Rogelio finds it so easy to believe in me when I don't believe in myself. How can I when I'm unsure if Rose really manipulated me into fighting Rafael or if she simply brought to the surface something that was already there. That self-doubt makes me feel unworthy of Rogelio's unswerving loyalty.

I can feel an acrid, burning lump of sentimentality form in the back of my throat and, in a desperate attempt to maintain my composure, I steer the conversation in a completely different direction. Careful to conceal the sudden tears that form in my eyes, I quickly steer the conversation in a different direction before my emotions can overwhelm me. "Speaking of Mateo," I say in a deceptively casual tone, "How is that kid?"

"Growing like a weed," Rogelio relays proudly, "I wouldn't be surprise if he's shot up an inch in the last month. He is changing so fast, Michael. That's the thing with children. They grow so quickly and it's easy to miss the important things."

He has a wistful, far-off expression as he speaks and I know it's because he's reflecting on all of the "important things" that he missed with Jane. I, however, am thinking about the "important things" I am missing with Mateo. That's been the hardest part of my strained relationship with Jane. While I have very few regrets about locking her out of my heart, it has been next to impossible to do that with Mateo. Even making the attempt leaves me hollow inside. I just miss him too much.

"He misses you too," Rogelio murmurs, no doubt reading my thoughts plainly on my face, "He often asks about you. You should call him."

I snort humorlessly. "Yeah, I'm sure that would go over real well with his parents, Rogelio."

"You could try," he insists.

This is yet another discussion I don't want to have because talking about talking to Mateo or spending time with him only reminds me that I have no real rights to him at all. Not to mention that it would be a criminal offense to even go near him right now. Debating what part I can have in his life, if any at all, seems pointless. And so, I deftly change the subject once again. I turn my attention to the stroller and the sleeping baby bundled inside of it. She is snuggled deep within the blankets but I can still catch a glimpse of her cherubic, little face and dark ringlets peeking through.

"So who do you have here?" I ask, stooping down to get a closer at the baby, "Is this Baby Michaelina?"

"Yes, it is. I have been eager for you to meet her for some time now."

I can feel him watching me as I reach forward to drag a lone finger down the plump slope of his daughter's cheek. There is a quiet longing that unfurls inside of me as I look at her, a deep seeded desire to have a child of my own, a child that no one can take away from me. I have no idea where it comes from but it takes root quickly and I have a difficult time shaking it off. I'm upset to realize that even though I know exactly why it's so hard for me to dismiss the desire for a baby. But it's not something I'm willing to acknowledge out loud to anyone…ever.

Rogelio must sense the conflicting feelings inside of me because he asks me quietly, "Would you like to hold her?"

Reluctantly, I shake my head. "She's sleeping," I whisper, marveling at how small and sweet she looks, "I don't want to wake her." I glance up at him with a proud smile. "She's really beautiful, Rogelio."

"Isn't she? I was surprised because it doesn't appear that she has inherited my devastatingly good looks. Unfortunately, she favors her mother but I think she's stunning nonetheless."

"You don't think her mother is attractive?"

"Let's just say that there is an unpleasant ugliness inside of Darci Factor that radiates outward and destroys any facets of beauty she might possess."

I rise from my crouched position, easily discerning the underlying statement beyond his flowery response. "Bad relationship?"

"The worst."

"How did you meet her?" The name sounds familiar but I can't quite place where I've heard it.

"She was originally my matchmaker," Rogelio tells me, "We had a business arrangement to conceive a child together but the deal quickly turned sour due to Darci's unbearable shrew-like behavior."

"Oh…my…God…you mean you actually went through with it?"

"It is not as bad as it sounds. We separated and, unbeknownst to me, she was pregnant with my child. She revealed the truth to me shortly before Baby was born and we have had a rather amicable relationship since, mostly due to my magnanimous nature."

"So, what exactly happened with you and Xo?" I ask tentatively when he's finished his tale, "I guess you guys couldn't get past the baby disagreement after all if you decided to have a baby with Darci."

"Well, it's a very long and involved story, Michael, and I…" he gradually trails off into silence, his eyebrows snapping together in a deep frown. "Wait a minute…how did you know that Xiomara and I could not agree on children? We have never discussed that."

"Yes, we have," I reply in a mildly derisive tone because I think that should be obvious, "We've talked about it dozens of times before Jane and I got back together and after we got married too. It was a real sticking point for you, if I recall."

His eyes suddenly flare wide. "Wait a minute! Are you saying that you remember those discussions?"

Now it's my turn to frown because I'm bemused by his stunned reaction. "Of course I remember them but, you already knew that."

He stumbles back a step, his mouth agape. "My God! This is incredible news!"

"Again, not news because you already knew."

"I most certainly did not know!"

"Sure you did," I insist but I am beginning to feel a shiver of uncertainty, "I told Jane. She's known for at least a month that all of my memory came back." Rather than easing him, the information seems to agitate him even further. "She…she didn't tell you?"

"No. No! She didn't say one word! Why would she do that? Why would she keep something so huge a secret, especially from me? She knows the special bond that you and I share!"

"Maybe it was too painful for her to talk about," I sigh, struggling to keep the disappointment out of my tone, "I know she was upset after everything that went down with Rafael. She probably just wanted to put it all behind her."

"That was not her decision to make," Rogelio mutters, "I know she is hurting but I cannot believe she would do such a thing to me."

"I'm sure she had her reasons, Ro. I can't give you the answers. You'd have to ask her."

I think we might be able to put an end to the whole painful discussion and I'll be able to make my exit but Rogelio ask yet another question and this one proves to be the hardest to answer. "Why didn't you tell me, Michael? You should have called as soon as everything came back to you."

"I wanted to call you, Rogelio, I really did. But everything is so different now," I tell him, "I didn't really have an understanding of how much had changed until I remembered everything. Now, I get it. We've all moved on. We're in different places emotionally. It's not the same."

"You are still my best friend."

For some reason, the unreserved way he makes that statement breaks me down. I know I have to get out of there before I lose it entirely. "Rogelio, I really got to get going-,"

"—And Jane," he plows on stubbornly, "She still loves you, Michael. She misses you so much."

The words have a euphoric effect. For an instant my heart soars above the clouds, pumping fiercely with hope but then I remember the restraining order and the fact that she has ignored me for weeks and it plummets back down to the ground. Hard. I reject Rogelio's statement with a terse shake of my head. "Yeah, I doubt that."

"She does," Rogelio insists, "She just can't admit it right now because of Rafael!"

A chilling stoicism settles over me with the mention of his name. "Of course. It's always about Rafael."

"It's not what you think!" he bursts out, "Yes, it is true that Rafael and Jane share an undeniable connection due to Matelio but I know better than anyone that sharing a child with someone does not mean that they own your heart. You are Jane's great, true love, Michael. You found each other again against almost insurmountable odds. You belong together."

"I used to believe that, Rogelio. Not anymore. Honestly, I'm glad it's over. I was sick of being the third point in that triangle anyway. Now I can move on with my life…finally."

"Are you saying this because you still have residual feelings for your girlfriend from Texas?"

"What? No. Did you not listen to a word I just said? I'm over Jane."

"You are a very bad liar, Michael Cordero. This is nothing more than heartbroken confusion. I know that you foolishly think you're in love with this woman from Texas but you are deluding yourself. Is that why you have decided to keep your distance from Jane…for this transient infatuation?"

"This has nothing to do with Lorena."

"It has everything to do with her if that is the reason you are giving up on Jane!"

"I'm not giving on Jane," I retort sharply, "She's giving up on me! She asked me to stay away and so I have. It's not about Lorena! She's not even in my life anymore!"

Once again, Rogelio appears dumbfounded by my words. "She's not?"

"No. She's in jail for her part in my kidnapping. Why would you think otherwise?"

Rogelio blinks at me in doubletake. "I'm sorry. You said she's where for what?"

"She kept me hidden on Sin Rostro's order," I clarify briskly, "It was all a set-up. She knew who I was the entire time."

"What?"

"You didn't know that either?" I'm curious about whether Jane's silence was deliberate or whether she simply hadn't known. If she had never listened to my many messages, it was entirely possible. I had never considered that she might not have listened until this second. It changes my perspective on her silence these past weeks but not too much.

"I told Jane all of this almost a month ago." It had primarily happened in voice mail and once by letter but I had told her.

"That is very interesting to hear. I will be sure to have several stern words with her later," Rogelio declares with an offended sniff, "She has a lot of explaining to do."

I don't want to start obsessing over all the possible reasons why Jane hadn't updated her family so I try to quickly wrap up the conversation. I've only just untangled myself from her emotionally. I can't go falling back into that same hurt filled pit again.

"Like I said before, Rogelio, I'm sure she has her reasons for not saying anything and you should talk to her," I say as preface for my goodbye, "I don't want to hold you up anymore. You've got the baby and I'm sure you have some place else to be."

"This is more important," he replies with quiet emphasis.

"Actually…," I hedge, already poised to make my exit, "I need to be on my way too."

"Wait!" he cries before I can take a step, "You can't go yet! We've barely talked! Am I even going to see you again?"

"I'm not sure if that's a good idea, Rogelio. You know Jane wouldn't be comfortable with that."

"But would you be comfortable with it?"

I want to be honest with him and tell him how much I miss our friendship but I know if I do tell him it will only cause more confusion. He already resents Jane. I don't want to be the reasons they're at odds. I've already complicated Jane's life enough. But, on the other hand, I don't want to lie to Rogelio either because, after all he's done to support me, he deserves better than that. There's really no good way that this can end at all. So, I take the path of least resistance and I retreat instead.

"It was really good seeing you again, Rogelio," I tell him as I back away, "But I'm sorry. I have to go now. Take care."

He calls after me but I'm already turned on my heel and walking away before he can say anything more. And, though it kills me, I don't look back.