Chapter Twenty-Six (Jane POV)

"What is going on with you right now?" Mom demands stridently as soon as I drag myself through the door after a long day at work.

I'm startled to see her because when I wasn't expecting to until later tonight. "Mom, what are you doing here?"

As I step further into the house, set aside my purse and kick off my shoes, I can't help but notice the abnormal silence. I vaguely notice the large, open cardboard box near the front door but I don't pay it very much attention because I'm too puzzled by the quiet. I'm also hyper aware of the fact that Mateo hasn't yet greeted me with a running tackle. I regard Mom with a questioning grimace.

"Where's Abuela and Mr. Sweetface?"

"Mom took Mateo for an ice cream because I asked if she could get him out of the house for a little while so we could talk."

"Why?" I ask warily, my mind immediately veering to a dozen worst case scenarios, "Did something happen today? I thought you had chemo this afternoon. Why didn't you go? I thought Dad supposed to take you! Are you sick?"

"Calm down. My counts were too low. They had to delay treatment for a week."

When Mom began chemotherapy, the nurses had diligently explained to us the importance of her having her lab values checked weekly. There were certain parameters she had to meet regarding her white blood cell and platelet counts in order to receive treatment and, if she didn't meet those parameters, if the numbers weren't high enough she didn't get chemo. It was supposed to be a protection so they didn't strip her body completely of its defenses. Still, no patient wanted that to happen because it always meant the final treatment would be moved farther away. It also meant that the patient was highly susceptible to infection due to their weakened immune system.

I sweep Mom with a penetrating look. "Shouldn't you be in isolation and wearing a mask right now?"

"Shouldn't you tell me why the UPS man delivered a package from Michael to Mateo today?" she counters in aggravation right after.

Her question induces my heavy sigh of resignation. I had known that this moment was coming. It was only a matter of time before news of Michael and Mateo's renewed interactions would start to filter down through the family. Truthfully, I'm surprised I managed to keep it a secret for this long. Discretion was hardly Mateo's forte. After all, he's a talkative, inquisitive six year old boy. Even though it's barely been eight days since Michael and Mateo resumed communication, Mateo has been fairly bursting with the need to tell someone all about his "best friend" Michael.

In the hopes of avoiding confusion and difficult to answer questions as well as the news eventually getting back around to Rafael, I had encouraged Mateo to keep quiet about his and Michael's friendship. At the time, I had told him that Papa might become jealous if he were to find out that he had become Michael's new best friend. And, at first, that had satisfied him. But after a full week of almost nightly chats, and lively, impromptu bedtime stories via FaceTime where Michael wouldn't just read the story dialogue but assume the persona of the character, Mateo was growing increasingly dissatisfied with merely talking to Michael by phone. He wanted to see Michael in person. And I know the feeling must be mutual, especially if Michael is mailing Mateo presents already.

I stoop to inspect the empty box near the door and flip back one of the torn flaps to read the sender information. It is indeed from Michael and addressed directly to Mateo. I can't help but smile over the sweet gesture. "Aww…he sent him a present," I murmur wistfully.

"Yeah, he sent him a present," Mom reiterates, "A kid sized tent and a fishing rod. I thought Mateo's head was going to explode with excitement."

I turn my face up to her, goofy smile still plastered all over it. "Really?"

"There was a card too." She turns away to retrieve it from the side table and then passes the envelope to me. "Don't be mad. I read it already." I make a face at her and then pull the card free of its sleeve to quickly read Michael's short note.

Got a lot of birthdays and Christmases to make up for. Hope you don't mind.

-Michael

I'm so touched by his thoughtfulness that the only thing I can do is press the card to my bosom and try very hard not to cry. He really does love Mateo. I don't know why that surprises me but it does a little bit. I've never doubted that Michael cared for Mateo and wanted to protect him but I was never really sure if he had developed that deep, unbreakable, parental love for him. Maybe because my deepest fear has always been that Michael might secretly resent Mateo because his existence had literally changed the course of our entire relationship. I'm relieved beyond belief to finally put that fear to rest.

"Jane, what's going on?" Mom asks, abruptly pulling me from my warm haven of feels, "Why is Michael sending Mateo presents all of a sudden? Are you two getting back together? I can't believe you kept me in the dark!"

"Will you calm down? Michael and I aren't getting back together," I sigh as I shift to my feet and the finality of that fact hits me anew, "He wants to have a relationship with Mateo. That's all."

Mom frowns. "Really?" After I confirm her question with a nod, she presses further. "And you're okay with that?"

"Why wouldn't I be okay with that?" I ask defensively, "Michael is a good man and he loves Mateo!"

"I'm not saying he isn't a good man, Jane! I'm saying that it might complicate things by having him around…you know with the secret baby you're carrying," she reminds me, nodding meaningfully towards my mid-section, "Are you going to tell him?"

"I haven't actually decided yet."

"What do you mean you haven't decided?" Mom explodes incredulously, "You're letting him spend time with Mateo, Jane! What are you going to do? Crouch behind furniture for your entire pregnancy? Eventually your ever expanding belly is going to give it away! Is that how you want him to find out?"

"He's not actually spending physical time with Mateo because…um…well…" I stammer in between clearing my throat, "…there is a restraining order still in place. They're just talking on the phone right now."

"You mean you haven't had the restraining order lifted yet?" she screeches in disbelief.

"I can't! I'm not the one who filed the complaint! Rafael is! And when I asked him to lift it, he basically told me to go to hell."

"Oh God," Mom groans, "I hadn't even thought about Rafael. This is so bad."

She doesn't know the half of it. Rafael hasn't spoken to me in over ten days. Our last conversation was actually the day I dropped the bombshell that I'm having Michael's baby. To say that he had been livid following the news would be a severe understatement and I didn't entirely blame him for being angry. For that reason, I could forgive him for dodging me in the days that followed because I understood how the news might have blindsided him. But, while he's been intent on ignoring me, he has also been ignoring our son and that is much harder to accept. I'm afraid Mateo might develop a complex if the men in his life keep dropping in and out of it this way.

That has actually factored into my uncertainty over whether to tell Michael about the pregnancy. Right now, he is solely focused on Mateo, which I love but his attentive devotion also frustrates me. He hasn't made a single romantic overture towards me at all or given even the smallest indication that he's interested in rekindling our relationship. If I had to guess, I'd think he's already fallen out of love with me. I feel like if I tell him about the baby then he will feel shackled to me and he'll run and I don't want that. I don't want to give him a reason to bolt because Mateo has been through enough.

"What are you going to do?" Mom presses.

"Well, Rafael certainly isn't going to be a problem since he's decided he's over being a father!"

"Jane, give him a break. You just told him that you're pregnant with another man's kid. He's allowed to be thrown."

"It's not like I cheated on him! We haven't been together for months! He doesn't own me!"

"But he is in love with you," Mom points out softly, "You had to know that the news was going to gut him, especially because he'd have to come to terms with the fact you slept with Michael in the first place."

Mom has no idea just how correct she is in her assumption. The sex had been the biggest sticking point for Rafael. It was true that he'd wrestled with the pregnancy as well but the fact that I slept with Michael, especially after weeks of me refusing to have sex with him when we were together because I was "too confused" had made it worse. It infuriated him that I hadn't seemed to have the same reservations about Michael that I'd had about him. He felt betrayed and had accused me of stringing him along. He'd hurled quite a few unflattering terms my way that day. Cruel accusations were made on both sides and, in the end, he had stalked from the house and I hadn't seen or heard from him since.

When I make that point to Mom, she says, "Like I said, he's having a hard time. You know very well how much he adores Mateo. He's a good dad. He'll get it together."

"I understand that he's having a difficult time," I tell Mom, "I can handle his anger and resentment but Mateo doesn't deserve it. It's not his fault."

"I'm sure Rafael knows that," she reasons, "He loves that boy, Jane, so if you're trying to replace him with Michael, I think-,"

"—Mom, no! I wouldn't do that!" I exclaim vehemently before she can complete the thought, "Rafael is Mateo's father. I would never try to replace him! But Michael loves Mateo too. He just wants to be in his life."

"Jane, if you feel that strongly then I have I ask…don't you think Michael would feel the exact same way about his own child?"

The question stirs up a bundle of repressed guilt and has me scrambling to defend myself. "I thought you said you'd support whatever I decided! Have you changed your mind about that? Are you going to disown me like Dad now?"

"Rogelio hasn't disowned you, Jane," she scoffs lightly with an eye roll, "Stop being so dramatic!"

"He won't even be in the same room with me, Mom! He's totally shut me out."

"That's because he's disappointed and he's hurt because he's taking your decision not to tell Michael about the baby personally. He can't help but put himself in Michael's shoes right now."

All defensive anger drains from me then, leaving me vulnerable and defeated. "I'm scared, Mom. What if he doesn't want it? Then what am I supposed to do?"

"Of course he's going to want it, Jane," she insists in a gentle tone, "because it's a part of him and a part of you."

"It's not simple anymore," I argue, "If this had happened five years ago, I'd have no doubts at all. But after everything we've been through since then, there's too much baggage between us. Michael doesn't think I'll ever completely let go of Rafael so he's not willing to risk his heart on me again. I wouldn't be surprised if he asked me to have an abortion."

"He won't do that, Jane." But her denial sounds weak to me and I call her on it.

"He could. He did when I was pregnant with Mateo…because he didn't want to deal with it."

"But this time is different! It's his baby!"

"That doesn't matter. Michael has made it very clear to me that he wants minimal contact between us. Even when he calls Mateo, we barely talk. I don't even know what's going on with him right now! I had to find out secondhand from my six year old son that he was back on the Force! He never said a word to me. He still hasn't."

Mom doesn't miss a beat and has a solution for that at the ready. "So then you co-parent," she suggests carelessly, "Kind of like you're doing now."

It doesn't dawn on me until Mom says it aloud that Michael and I are co-parenting. It's not in the traditional sense by any means but we have both certainly put our aside our differences for Mateo's sake. And although I don't like how stagnant our relationship has become or the fact that we've devolved into virtual strangers in the meantime, I'm grateful that he wants to be a part of Mateo's life.

"I don't understand the difference," Mom grumbles in confusion, "You're either in his life because of Mateo or you're in his life because of the new baby. It's the same thing either way!"

"The difference is that with Mateo, he has the option to walk away," I tell her, "Michael doesn't have any real obligation to Mateo because he isn't his son. But this baby is his and he'll feel responsible for it, which will force him into close proximity with me and that's the last thing he wants."

"You don't think he feels responsible for Mateo too?" she reasons softly, "You spent ten minutes waxing on about how much Michael loves him. Do you honestly think he'll walk away from that little boy…ever?" I don't have a ready response to her question and I'm pretty sure she knew that I wouldn't. "Tell him about the baby, Jane. I think his reaction might surprise you."

I've mentioned before that I hate it when she makes sense and this time is no exception. But I'm not really ready to contemplate that prospect at all so I change the subject altogether. "What do you think I should do about Rafael?" I ask her, "Should I call him? Make an overture for peace? Continue to give him space while he sulks? What?"

"Can you do any of that without berating him?"

"Does he deserve not to be berated?" I counter pointedly.

"He deserves to have you consider his point of view in this, Jane." Mom volleys back with equal bite.

"I'm so sick of hearing that!" I snap in a sudden loss of patience, "I do consider Rafael's point of view. That's why I gave Michael the cold shoulder for an entire month and what did that get me! Rafael's still pissed and Michael won't even talk to me! I'm tired of putting everything I want through a Rafael filter! I just want to live my life, Ma!"

"Well, suck it up," Mom replies without a modicum of sympathy, "Because that's what you do for family and, like it or not, Rafael is your family. So fix it."

I'm still grumbling over her edict that I should somehow take responsibility for the standoff with Rafael while we prepare dinner together (although what I mostly do is steal bits of food while she cooks). We bicker back and forth about it until she finally kicks me out of the kitchen for "being too bitchy." Following my banishment, I try to keep myself busy reviewing work projects while I wait for Abuela and Mateo to come back from their ice cream run. Mom and I are in the middle of setting the table for dinner when Abuela and Mateo finally make it home. However, the greeting I have planned turns into shocked silence when Rafael trails in behind them. But my inability to speak only lasts a second before I stiffen in outrage at the sight of him.

"What's going on?" I ask when I finally recover my voice, bestowing a distracted hug to Mateo when he runs to greet me. I look over at Mom for answers. "You didn't tell me Rafael was getting ice cream too," I say with a note of light accusation in my tone.

"No fue planeado," Abuela explains, "Llamó mientras estábamos fuera y le dije que podía unirse a nosotros."

"Alba was good enough to let me tag along on their sundae run," Rafael adds quietly, "I was really missing Mateo so I appreciated her willingness to sacrifice her one on one time with him."

I notice that he has a difficult time meeting my eyes as he says that, however. I'm sure shame makes that impossible. Good.

He moves forward to ruffle Mateo's hair. "We had fun today, didn't we, bud? Bisa didn't even mind that we were ruining our dinner."

"Shh, Daddy," Mateo says with a telling look in my direction, "It's supposed to be a secret." He blinks up at me in owlish innocence. "I only had a little ice cream, Mommy. I promise."

Jane regard him skeptically before turning a narrowed glare back as his father. "I'll bet you two did have fun," I remark tartly, "Rafael, it's so nice that you were finally able to carve out some time from your busy schedule to see your child."

Mateo completely misses the scowl Rafael directs at me when he pipes in happily, "I'm glad Daddy could come. I was really missing him too! I wish he didn't have to work so much. You too, Mommy. I like it when you're home with me."

I bend forward to drop a quick kiss to the tip of his nose. "Yeah, well the truth is…we work hard so we can buy you lots and lots of presents and I know how much you like getting presents, Mr. Sweetface."

"It's true. I like presents. But I can't wait for us to live together then I'll never have to miss you and Daddy at all!"

His cheerful exclamation provokes an exchange of tense glances between us four adults but no one dares to disabuse him of his notion. Instead, I plant an affectionate kiss to the crown of his head and send him off to the bathroom to get cleaned up for dinner. When he's out of earshot everyone in the room turns their concerned stares towards me.

Mom is the first to break the painful silence. "Okay, this has gone on long enough. Someone needs to tell him."

"Tell him what, Xo?" Rafael asks, "That his mother doesn't want us to be family after all or that she's having Michael's baby?"

"Okay," Abuela says as she reaches over to snag hold of Mom, "Tal vez deberíamos hacernos escasos mientras ustedes dos hacen esto. Mantendremos Mateo ocupado."

After they scramble from the room to give us privacy, I don't address Rafael right away because I'm too furious to speak. Instead, I begin compulsively checking to make sure all of the stove burners are off because I need a moment to calm myself before addressing him. When that's done, I start scrubbing bits of food from the surface as well. I can feel Rafael watching me the entire time and when I hear his exasperated sigh my aggravation with him increases.

"Say something, damn it!"

I throw down the towel and whip around to face him. "You have some nerve showing up here after ten days of silence with a chip on your shoulder," I bite out, "Where the hell have you been?"

"Work. I've been working, every day and every night. I had to finalize some last minute details with the hotel."

"And you couldn't call to tell me that? You couldn't call your son?"

"If I came to see Mateo then I would have had to see you and I wasn't ready for that, not after our last conversation. But…I was wrong to disappear on him like that and it will never happen again."

"I know that angry with me, Raf, but you can't take that out on Mateo! It's not fair to him.

"You're right and I'm sorry," he acknowledges softly, "I wasn't planning to stay gone this long. But after you told me you were pregnant I just needed some time to clear my head."

"I was trying to be honest with you, Raf. I didn't want you to find out secondhand."

"Be that as it may…it was a little much to find out that you'd slept with Michael that night you went to Fort Myers, especially when you kept telling me over and over that you and he were just friends. When I thought about that night and how you blew me off, left me and then went to him, I…" He pauses for a moment, as if he recognizes that he's about to go stumbling down that same angry road again. "I was hurt," he says finally, his tone calm and even, "and I was jealous and I said some hateful things to you that I wish I could take back."

It's difficult to maintain eye contact with him after that. "So did I."

"I just…I hate that you slept with him that night. I really do."

"I didn't plan for it to happen."

"Why didn't you tell me back then?" he fires back sharply, "I could have at least stopped making a fool out of myself thinking that there was an actual chance for us!"

"I never lied to you about my feelings! You knew from day one that I still loved Michael!"

"I can't argue with that. I did know how you felt about him and I made a conscious choice to ignore that because I thought that eventually you'd realize you loved me more. Clearly, I was in denial," he says, surprising me with his concession. "Don't look so shocked. I am capable of self-reflection, you know."

I feel much of my resentment towards him seep out of me with his gentle teasing and even find myself smiling a little. "I know that."

"That doesn't mean I've stopped being angry with you, Jane," he prefaces in warning, "I haven't. You broke my heart and it's going to take me a long time to get over you but… You're still my best friend. You're my family and I want you in my life. I don't want to fight with you, especially now when you're pregnant. That's enough right now."

Hot tears burn the back of my throat as I whisper in reply, "I don't want to fight with you either."

"And since Michael is who you want, I'll try and find a way to accept that too," he says, "I don't really have a choice anymore, do I? Our kids are going to be siblings after all, so I guess in some roundabout way that will make us family too." He looks so galled by the prospect that I might have laughed if I didn't know how miserable he was about everything.

As it is, tears well up in my eyes at his reply when I imagine how he must feel at that moment. I can't keep from closing the distance between us to hug him tightly. "Thank you so much." I think for a moment that he won't return my embrace and I start to make my peace with that just as I feel his arms band around me. I actually heave a sigh of relief and hug him even harder. He relaxes against me ever so slightly.

"I'm so, so sorry, Raf," I sniffle into his shoulder, "I never wanted to hurt you."

He presses a quick kiss to my temple before shrugging away from me and ducking his head, I suspect, to hide his own tears. "I believe that. I really do. And, on some level, I always feared that this would happen. It felt inevitable from the very beginning. As soon as Rose told me the truth, that Michael was alive, I knew I was going to lose you."

"But you still brought him back here anyway."

"Because I knew how much he meant to you. I couldn't let you go on thinking that he was dead."

"Thank you," I say again but the words are a rather insignificant expression of just how extremely grateful I truly am for what he's done, "I'll never be able to put into words how much it meant to me and that's saying a lot because words are my thing."

"Yeah, I know," he murmurs, his words bittersweet.

He brought Michael back to me. He made it possible for the yawning void in my heart, which formed there soon after Michael's "death," to be filled again. For the first time ever, I fully realize what it cost him to bring Michael back to Miami and I'm saddened for him. He sacrificed his own happiness to guarantee my own. I recognize how unbelievably lucky I've been to be loved so completely by, not just one, but two incredible men in my short lifetime.

"I wish there was something I could say or do to make this easier for you."

"Don't worry about me. We need to focus on Mateo. It's time we sat him down and explained to him that we're not going to be together…so he can be prepared when you and Michael get married. I don't want him to be blindsided."

"Yeah, about that whole marriage thing…" I hedge, "Michael and I aren't getting married, Raf."

"Don't worry. If he hasn't proposed to you yet then I'm sure he will soon."

"No. What I mean is…" My explanation dwindles off into nothing because I have no idea what I should say next. I am currently faced with the daunting task of explaining to my ex-fiancé that my ex-husband and I will not be getting remarried even though I'm pregnant with his baby and will be, instead, co-parenting my aforementioned ex-fiancé's son. It's a lot to cover.

"Maybe you should sit down while I explain."

"I already know that Michael bought Mateo a tent and a fishing pole, Jane," he sighs. I glance over at him sharply and I'm sure shock must be stamped all over my face because Rafael clarifies, "It was all Mateo could talk about while we were getting ice cream. Apparently, Michael tells the best bedtime stories."

"You're pissed," I surmise flatly.

"No, I'm not," he replies with a firm shake of his head, "I told you I didn't want to fight so we're not going to discuss it because then I'll be pissed."

"So…what should we discuss?" I ask him in a careful tone.

"Tell me why Michael is suddenly a part of our son's life again. I thought he was done."

Immediately, rather than answering him directly, I blurt out explanations and apologies. "I wasn't trying to go behind your back, Raf. Michael…he asked me if he could be a part of Mateo's life. He really cares about our son. I couldn't tell him no but I didn't know how you'd react after so…"

"Calm down. It's fine. You were right. The fight was as much my fault as it was Michael's. We both were out of control that day."

My entire body sags with relief. "I appreciate you saying that. I know this isn't easy for you."

"Michael and I can't keep being at each other's throats. It's not good for us or you or Mateo. It's not good for that baby you're carrying either."

"I just don't want you to worry about Mateo's safety. You have to know that Michael would never hurt him, Raf. He loves him so much."

"You don't have to convince me, Jane, because in the end it doesn't matter what reservations I have. You're in a relationship with him. You're having his baby. He's going to be a part of Mateo's life whether I like it or not."

"Yes, Michael will be a part of Mateo's life," I agree, "But not because he and I are together…because we're not together and we're not going to be."

Rafael's impassive mask slips completely. "What are you talking about?"

"Michael and I are over. He's not in love with me anymore."

"Since when did that happen?" he asks in a mildly dubious tone.

"Since I ignored him for an entire month while he was going through the worst time of his life," I reply flippantly. When Rafael winces, I'm quick to reassure him. "I'm not blaming you. I'm stating the facts. That's all. You don't have to feel guilty or whatever. I've made my peace with it."

Yet again, he appears unconvinced by my claim. "Really? You've made peace with it?"

"Fine," I amend, biting back my telling smile, "I am trying to make peace with it. He wants his space and I am respecting his wishes. We are being very mature about it."

"Uh-huh." His tone is unconvinced.

"I mean it," I insist a little stridently, "It's fine. We're fine. And you know what? I like being on my own for a change. I don't need a man to define me."

"Yes. You are woman. Hear you roar," Raf interjects dryly.

I make a face at him. "Now you're mocking me."

"I'm not mocking you. I have a hard time believing this is really what you want," he says, "And, quite frankly, after the hell you put me through for this guy, it would really piss me off if that was true."

The forceful reminder of the heartbreak my personal happiness has caused him is enough to compel me to drop the pretense altogether. "This is what he wants, Raf. He wants me to back off, so I have. His main priority is Mateo. Nothing else matters. He doesn't even want to be friends. It is what it is."

He frowns at me in disbelief. "What about the baby?"

"Michael doesn't know about the baby," I confess softly.

"But you're going to tell him soon, of course?"

"That is still to be determined. It's complicated."

Rafael regards me speculatively, as if he doesn't know quite what to make of my response. "You do know that you have to tell him, right, Jane?"

"I've tried to tell him. More than once. But every time I attempt to say the words, they get stuck and I can't make them come," I confess miserably, "Or…or he says something to remind me that he doesn't want anything to do with me. How am I supposed to tell him that I'm pregnant after that?"

"You say the words. I'm pregnant."

I wave away his simple solution to my dilemma with a weary shake of my head. "You don't understand."

"Yes, I do. You don't want him to feel obligated to you. You're afraid that he won't want the baby. You're afraid he won't want you after you tell him."

"So what if I am?" I challenge him fiercely, "I get to be scared sometimes, Raf! I get to run and hide because after everything that's happened in the last six months, I deserve a minute to regroup! I don't have to be brave all the time! No one is brave all the time!"

"So what?" he scoffs, "Are you the only one in this scenario who gets to avoid rejection? You're the only one who doesn't get to have their heart trampled on? Get over yourself, Jane."

"Excuse me?"

"Stop being selfish! Think about the kid you're carrying. Hell, think about Michael! I'm hardly the guy's biggest fan but…he deserves to know his own child."

"I…I know…" I stammer anxiously, "And I'm working on it. I'm working myself up to do it…soon. I'll tell him soon."

"How soon? What are you going to do when you start to show? Or worse yet, when you tell Mateo and he blabs to Michael, because you know he will!"

I choke back a teary, ironic laugh because my next words are far outside the realm of my natural tendency to plan down to the most minute detail. "I don't know, Raf. I guess I'll figure that part out when it happens."