A/N Thank you all! Gee, it started off hot, it got real cold and then Rick showed up at her door. Let's see where it goes.
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Dammit, why did he have to come back now? She was just starting to accept that is was done. She should throw his ass out and never let him darken her door again. That would be the smart thing to do, that would be the best thing to do, that would be the right thing to do. Dammit. Why did she have to care about this man so much?
He'd been up most of the night, guilt-ridden, hating himself and missing her. He'd wanted to stay in her bed, he wanted to hold her and tell her how wonderful she was and how wonderful it felt to be with her. He wanted to have memorable times with her, dates with her, a future with her. He wanted it all with but he'd acted like an asshole and run away like some chickenshit.
He was rushing his words out, trying to say everything he wanted to say before she slapped him quiet or threw his ass out. He wouldn't blame her for either. "Please Beth, I know you think I'm a piece of shit and you're right. I know there's no excuse good enough for the way I acted. I need to have my ass kicked." It was like she could feel the anxiety and embarrassment that he was feeling, as if it was coming off him in waves. He went on, "I should have never let it go as far as it did in the first place. I should have had some self-control, but I wanted you so much and I just couldn't seem to stop myself. You felt what I was feeling, I know you did. You had to. You had to know it wasn't just about trying to get you in bed, I was lost in you. Everything about you. I've wanted you that way since the first day I saw you, but that wasn't all I wanted. It's just…fuck, I'm…I've been so afraid to get involved. I tried so hard to deny the feelings I was having for you. I can't deny them any longer Beth. I've been up all-night thinking about you and us and if you could find it in your heart to forgive me, to give me one more chance I'd like to try and do this thing with you."
Dammit again. She wanted to tell him to get the hell out and that she never wanted to see him again. Just to make matters worse her emotions betrayed her. She had tears in her eyes and her voice quavered when she told him, "You're right, you are a piece of shit and the way you acted was so damn mean and hurtful." Then she swallowed hard, sucked it up and got a little honest herself, "But what happened before that wasn't all your fault. It happened because I wanted it too and I went along. I was just as weak as you were and yeah, I felt it. I've been feeling it. It's why I got so forward with you yesterday. That's not my usual behavior. I was just so sick and tired of waiting for you to finally make your move. But so you know Rick Grimes, I won't let any man mistreat me or act like I'm some kind of booty call." She folded her arms across her chest and waited for what came next.
She wished he wouldn't do that. Stand like that and look like that. Dammit. He had his hands on those slim hips of his and he was looking down, head tilted just a little to one side. Again she could feel his anxiety, he was embarrassed and uncomfortable. Well good, he should be. Then he looked up at her with those stupid blue eyes of his and said what he said, "I take full responsibility for all of it Beth. You're a woman who deserves to always be treated thoughtfully and respectfully. I failed miserably in those things. Please, please let me try to make it up to you. Can we just maybe take a walk? Maybe talk a little? Whatever you'd feel comfortable with. Please?"
She didn't answer because she was afraid she might start crying again and if she did that she swore she'd start slapping herself. She just nodded her okay.
"Thank you, Beth. Thank you." He probably shouldn't have and she definitely shouldn't have let him, but it happened anyway. He wrapped her in his arms and her arms went around his waist and they held each other, but not for long. Just long enough for both of them to know they wanted so much more than just a hug.
She was already weak in the knees and she knew she was going to be in trouble again if they didn't leave. She took preventative action. She hurried to grab her house key, "I'm ready, I was just going out the door when you knocked."
He was relieved she was rushing them out because he'd felt it again, the need to hold her in his arms. The need for so much more than just that.
As they walked down the three front steps he reached for her hand, relieved when she didn't pull away. He gave it a gentle squeeze, "Thank you for this."
Her feelings were all over the place. She'd been so hurt by his hasty exit and so angry. She wasn't just angry at him though. The truth was she was far more angry with herself. She'd let it happen. When he left like he did she felt so used and she was so sure the only time she'd ever see Rick Grimes again was if she had the misfortune to have to interact with him at work.
She told herself just that morning that she accepted it, it was the way it was and now that she knew exactly what he was all about she could finally move on. After all, it wasn't as if she had a choice. And then he knocked and there he was at her door and apologizing. She should have made it a lot harder on him. The problem was she just didn't have that kind of fight in her, not when it came to that man and his dumb bowed legs and his stupid blue eyes. She just couldn't seem to muster up the strength to be as tough as she wanted to be and should be, not with him. She wanted Rick Grimes too badly, she cared way too much.
He felt the need to explain himself more fully and to apologize all over again. This was it and he knew it, the only way. If he really wanted her he had to put it all out there and try to convince her that maybe he was worth a second chance. He was so angry with himself for the way he'd behaved. She was such a sweet and wonderful woman and she'd given herself to him so unconditionally and so lovingly, and he'd taken that gift from her and then acted like such a jerk.
She deserved to be treated with…with what? With love? Shit. Love. All love had ever done for Rick Grimes was blindside him, break his heart and leave him hating the very idea of it. That was still no excuse, there simply was no excuse. What she said, that expression she used was so awful, "booty call." It cut deep to know she thought he could see her that way, as if she meant nothing more to him than that. Nothing could be further from the truth.
The trouble with the truth was it went against all those promises he'd made to himself. What about the resolution? What about protecting himself by never letting anyone in ever again, never making himself vulnerable to anyone? Never giving anyone the power to hurt him? It was the push and the pull. The push against what he thought would protect him, the pull of wanting this woman so completely.
He was afraid of her. More afraid of her than some perp with a gun. She could potentially be far more dangerous to him. She could be the kind of danger he'd never recover from, a knife to his heart. It was all too much to think about and he'd been thinking about it not just all-night long. He'd been preoccupied with thoughts of Beth Greene for months.
Still there was that thing above all other things that he just couldn't allow her to think. At least he needed to make that clear to her. That he thought the world of her. He was going to lay it out as at least an explanation for his behavior. "I, I don't know for a fact that you've heard but I do know how office talk goes. I'm guessing you know a little something about my past."
"I do."
He pursed his lips and his head tilted to the side just that little bit, and then he looked up and into her eyes. He'd really only meant to tell her the bare facts but for some reason he opened up to her. He let her right in to see his pain and to see his heart. "It's a strange thing Beth, how deeply it hurt. It's not like Lori and I had the perfect marriage, it was far from that. We got pregnant and married young but that was alright. We were happy at first. Then those last couple of years before the fire happened things got sour between us. I didn't understand why, all I knew was I wanted so badly to hold our marriage together, but I admit it was for the wrong reasons. It wasn't for me and Lori and love or romance or whatever. It was because I didn't want Carl to grow up in a broken home."
"I'm not saying what went wrong was all Lori's fault either. Looking back now I realize, she couldn't help not feeling love for me. If it's not there it's just not there."
"I was more surprised, hurt and disappointed by Shane's actions. He was supposed to be my best friend. We'd been best friends since our freshman year of high school. I was impressed by him and I admit that back then I was kind of amazed he was even my friend. Shane was the big man on campus. He was the quarterback of the football team, the guy with all the girls and no one looked at him cross-eyed. I didn't start finally coming into my own until our senior year. I got my height, I filled out and I got a little more confident. But Shane was still the man and I thought we were as close as brothers."
"He was the best man at my wedding and Carl's godfather. Never did the thought even cross my mind he'd do what he did, sleep with my wife. Shit, it's hard to say which hurt worse, the fact that my wife slept with my best friend, or that my best friend slept with my wife. Either way it sucked. But what sucked the most was that when it happened, when Lori and Shane died, my young son heard all the stories about what had been going on. Not from me. I would never have told him and never let him think anything but the best about his Mom. But you know how it goes, kids hear talk at home and they repeat that talk at school."
"I'm not telling you all this because I think it excuses my behavior and I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm just letting you know I had some losses and my son had some losses, and I haven't been willing to let anyone into our world since. Then you came along and I knew from that first moment I saw you, you were trouble. I kept fighting it and fighting it but yesterday, when you took my arm, the fight went out of me. Did you feel it like I felt it Beth, almost like it was some kind of otherworldly force bringing us together?"
He was laying it out and she opened her heart too, "I hadn't thought of it quite like that, but yes. I've never just looked at someone and felt like I wanted and needed them in my life. It's like a yearning that only one person can satisfy. It's like this person, namely you Rick, is what's been missing. That just seems so ridiculous to say, crazy really. This isn't some TV show or a movie. This is real life, not a fantasy."
He stopped and turned to her. Now he held both her hands in his and he looked in those warm blue eyes. She was right, this was crazy. It made no fucking sense at all. "Fate." "Meant to be." All that shit. That wasn't real was it? Could it be? "I care for you Beth, I do. I want you and I do want to try and make this happen for us in real life." And right there on the corner of Maple and Elm he took her in his arms and kissed her with a passion so intense she was sure she would have lost her footing if he hadn't been holding on to her so tightly.
They walked a while longer, both of them deep in their thoughts about all that had already been and all that could be. He stopped again, looked at her again and half apologized again, "I'd better get you home Beth. I've got to pick my son up at his grandparents' house. That's something else for you to think about, do you really want to get involved with a man who already has a child? Carl's 10 years old."
"I've known for a long time you have a son and I'm still standing here." Her smile was so sweet and so warm but what he'd asked her made him think, would he ever be willing to let her or any woman get close to Carl? Wouldn't that be setting his son up for the potential heartbreak he was so afraid of for himself? How could that be all-right? He'd have to think about it long and hard.
In the meantime he decided to avoid discussing it altogether. Things were going too well, they seemed to be back on track. "Can I get your number? I'll know my schedule for this week by tomorrow morning and I'd like to make plans to see you again, soon."
She smiled that smile again, "I'd like that a lot. If you'll give me your phone I can add my number." He did and she saw it there, on his home screen there was what had to be a picture of his son. He was so cute with his brown hair and freckled face. She put her number in and handed him back the phone.
It was done and he smiled, "Great." But he couldn't help thinking about that thing that was suddenly weighing so heavy on his mind. What about Carl? He could avoid introducing Beth to his son for a reasonable length of time. He could make excuses that he'd like to see her for a while first and know for sure they were on solid footing before bringing the boy into it, that made perfect sense. Eventually though he was going to have to take a chance, risk having his son hurt, disappointed, or both. And what if Carl was resistant to someone new is his Dad's life? Would there be some kind of ugly choice Rick would have to make?
As tough as it was he managed to put it way in the back of his mind while he walked her home and then showed her in. "Thanks Beth and I'll call you tomorrow night to see if we can make a date."
"Sounds good, and Rick, I'm glad you came back today." And his arms were around her and he was kissing her that way and they were feeling it again and like things often do, one thing lead to another. Before either of them questioned it or thought better of it they were back in her bed.
The mood was different though, slower and more patient, more tender and loving with just the right amount of passion and this time he didn't just abruptly leave after they made love. He took the time to hold her close and lightly stroke the backs of his fingers down the side of her cheek and along her jawline, while he looked in her eyes and told her she was an amazing woman in so many ways. He told her how much he cared and how he wished he didn't have to leave, because he wouldn't. And he told her how grateful he was that she'd given him another chance and he vowed he wouldn't disappoint her, that he'd prove himself worthy of her trust.
She smiled as she told him how much she wished he could stay and that she'd known all along he was a terrific guy and she assured him, "Rick, I know we can make it work if we both put our hearts in it and vow to make it happen."
"Me too Beth, I promise, that's what I want."
He meant what he said. He wanted her and he wanted to make this work with her. It was on his way to pick up his son that the nagging question came back to him. Was the issue of Carl going to be the deal breaker? He didn't want it to be but he had a responsibility to protect his son.
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A/N It seems everything went quite well, except that our sheriff has added more potential trouble to his list of reasons for overthinking his relationship with Beth. I hope you'll leave a comment or review with your thoughts. To see the chapter photo please visit my tumblr blogs gneebee and bethylmethbrick. I hope to see you all back next Tuesday for more of Just Playin'. Until then remember, I love ya large! xo gneebee
