102 – Caulscott AU

i'll leave you words

underneath your door

underneath the singing moon

near the place where your feet pass by

hidden in the holes of wintertime

and when you're alone for a moment

kiss me, whenever you want

-Patrick Wilson, je te laisserai des mots

Nathan Prescott wasn't half as bad as what she had been told.

A rewrite and continuation of the 2015 fic.

-0-

Nate was a mess.

I pretended to sleep for a few moments whilst he paced around his room. He was holding his hair in his hands, shaking and chanting, "No. No. No."

"Do you usually talk to yourself at three-am?" I tried to make light of the situation but froze when I saw blood trickling down his face. "Nathan, you're bleeding."

He immediately let go of his hair and I saw traces of blood on his fingers. His hands viciously rubbed against his face, as if to get rid of the blood, but only serving to smudge it. "Caulfield, get it off of me."

I went up to him and noticed the terror in his eyes. It simultaneously frightened and intrigued me how he could switch from calm to agitated in seconds. "It's not coming off," I whispered. I grabbed the boy off the floor, hesitant but not dismissive. He was visibly distressed but he let me lead him to the bathroom.

We stood leaning over the furthest sink in uncomfortable silence. Nate was watching me through the mirror but he would not look me in the eye.

"Gone," I started. My right hand was grazing his fingers lightly and my left was hanging lazily at my side. Continuing, I said, "Not a big deal. It's like it never happened."

It was the moment I heard the bathroom door creak open when my self-awareness was sent into overdrive. I was in Nathan Prescott's t-shirt, standing within a breath's distance to said person, in the boy's dorm bathroom at three am.

Hayden strolled in with his clothing dishevelled and his face lit up as soon as he saw us in the corner. "Nathan, bro, you gotta tell me about this later," was all he said before he backed out of the room.

Nate's breathing had started to even out he still didn't seem comfortable. "You better get back to your room."

-0-

Nate didn't attend classes that day. Hayden caught me looking around, glancing out the window and at the door periodically. The smug look on his face told me all that I needed to know.

After class I watched Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within for the bazillionth time with Warren. At about five I retreated to my room. The only thing I could think of was a certain Prescott. Hint, it wasn't Sean.

I tried to do my homework but I was praying for something exciting to happen. Maybe it was because I was hanging out with Kate more, but God heard my prayers. There was five knocks on my door and I tripped over my own feet as I rushed to go open it. I was greeted with the flash of a camera without a second given to pose. Nate seemed so pleased with himself.

We talked for over an hour about his day and he explained to me why he had freaked out yesterday morning. His father had texted him right after we fell asleep saying that in two days he was visiting Blackwell. Nate checked his phone at around three and that's when he saw the message. He also detailed how his father was making a major contribution to the school's basketball and football teams. I had to agree with his plan to miss the morning assembly tomorrow because he couldn't stand to see his father right now.

Awkward tension resonated through the silence, only broken when Nate grabbed his camera and gazed at the photo he took of me. He started to smile stupidly so I sneaked a peak at the picture. My mouth was ajar and my eyes wide, but he seemed so happy that I couldn't tell him to get rid of it. I just couldn't.

Nate's eyebrows scrunched together as if he was conflicted. "I really want to kiss you right now," he smiled. "But I can see my reflection in your mirror and it's freaking me out."

I laughed and decided to be bold. Leaning in, I made sure my lips grazed his ear. "So, what are you going to do about it?"

In between light kisses, Nate replied, "Turn off the light, hipster."

"Why should I?"

Strategically planting a kiss on my collarbone, I could feel his answer on my skin. "Some things are better in the dark."

When I broke our body contact to turn off the light, a rush of nervous adrenaline surged through my body. This boy was making my body feel things that it had never felt before. He placed his hands on my neck so that they met at the nape, and pressed his fingers into my skin with a force that deepened our kiss. I let him control the situation because I really didn't know what the fuck I was doing anymore. My hands snaked up his shirt and I scratched his back, winging it. Nate pushed me flat onto my bed as a response.

This continued for a solid five minutes until he rested his head onto my shoulder and grunted. His entire body stiffened and he grumbled, "Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck."

"What?" I asked, trying to ignore the heat on my body. "What's wrong, Nate?"

"I didn't bring a…" His voice trailed off.

"A condom?" I had guessed.

"Yeah."

Not assessing the situation correctly, I stated matter-of-factly, "Um, you could go get one?" I really needed to do this tonight.

"No."

"What do you mean, no?"

His head lifted up and he tried to look at me square in the face. "I mean no," he spat. "No I can't go get a fucking condom because I'm not in a position to be walking around the dorm rooms at the moment."

"What are you even talking about?" I had questioned him. I received my answer when he started to grind his hips between my legs. In a way, it was cute that Nate didn't bring protection because it meant that he didn't have ulterior intentions.

The reality of the situation dawned on me, and all of a sudden auto-pilot was turned off and I didn't know how to react. We weren't two souls that converged into one entity after a burst of passion – we were two sweaty teenagers crushed between purple bedsheets and stuffed animals. Nate's head was bent, giving him a double chin. My legs were prickly.

By the time I would get to his room and back I feel like I'd change my mind about what I was going to do. But, on the other hand, I would rather do anything but nothing. "Ughhh… We could do… Other things."

Even though it seemed impossible, he moved his face closer to mine. I saw the outline of his features through the darkness and his expression gave me confidence. He lead kisses down my neck and tried to unbutton but I stopped him. Wind rattled the window. In the sultriest voice I could conjure up, I spoke, "Let's make this about you tonight."

Rain tapped the window.

Nate's grin widened, and he said, "Lucky day."

Cracks of thunder.

I touched his arm.

A whip of lightning.

Shivers. "Oh, my," I laughed. "Someone wants to stop us."

There was a clink! on the window. Then, the window started cracking. Spiderwebbed lines all spread over the glass. "Well, I'm going to fuck off now," Nate said right before he gave me a kiss on the cheek. "That was," he sucks in a breath, "almost worth it." He winked.

And then he was gone.

When Nate left, the weather calmed itself. Too engrossed in my own head, I missed Nate's text sent an hour later, stating, "That's as close to heaven that a Prescott will ever get."

-0-

I woke up early the next morning due to my excitement. Today something big was going to happen. Warren seemed to be up early too, as I had a text from him waiting in my phone.

I head a funny rumour that u left a part with Nathan Prescott the other day.

weird

Nathan's not even ur type anyways though. U don't like super jerks.

you know me. btw I'm not coming to parade. I'll cya in class

Ok but stay away from Nathan. I think he's into u.

The whole conversation I was tempted to text, "Hey Warren. I had an almost-romp with Nathan last night." Of course, I didn't. It was so damn tempting though. I wanted to tell someone and I would get the biggest reaction out of him. It wouldn't be fair though – Warren was a darling.

After pacing around my room for a while, I found myself subconsciously lead to Dana's room. Her door was open and I stood watching her dance until she got sick of her early morning booty-shaking. She yelled in delight when she saw me and jumped off her bed to pull me into an embrace. Dana closed her door and sat me down on her couch. "So are you going to tell me why have I been graced with your presence this fine morning?"

"Oh, so I can't just pop in to see my friend every once in a while?" I retorted in faux anger.

Dana, acting like her usually preppy self, laughed as if I was the funniest girl in the world. "I miss you Max, you should visit more often," she said. "But seriously, is something up?"

"You have a lot of sex right?" I asked. Dana cocked her eyebrow as if to tell me to continue. "How do you keep your, downstairs, trimmed?"

Dana's face got serious and she didn't show even the hint of a smile. Her eyes swallowed me whole with an intimidating deadpan as she decided on how to answer my question. "Okay so I'm not going to ask you who you're planning on having sex with but I want to make sure that you feel safe. Here's my second phone number. It's only for family emergencies but you're like a little sister to me so I think you qualify. Call me if you ever feel in danger.

Now that we've got that out of the way, let me say this. You don't need to be bare just because you think that your man, or woman I mean it's none of my business or anything, is going to reject you. But if it's because it will make you feel more confident, then try this. I use this hair removal cream thing. Works a charm."

Dana rummaged through her top drawer and handed me a tub. She takes a deep breath and continues speaking.

"You know what, keep it. I can get more.

Oh and use protection. Trust me, no matter how good he says his pull-out game is, don't trust him. Just don't.

Stay safe, lovely."

Seconds felt like hours as I cleaned myself up. That morning it felt like ever pair of eyes that met mine knew what I was going to do. I wasn't embarrassed but I felt like defending myself out, "So what?"

Once I knew that a majority of the student had filed themselves into the assembly hall, I jogged all the way to Nate's room. Unable to contain my excitement. He was magnetic. I checked his slate, not expecting a change. Instead I found myself amused at the winking face greeting me, crudely drawn with shaky lines.

The door opened.

When I saw Nate, I had to refrain from cringing. In broad daylight I got the opportunity to see things on his body that I never noticed before. His ribs were sticking out and I saw scars along his waist. I wondered how I hadn't felt them when my hands explored his body. I decided against saying anything though, as he stood half-naked with such confidence in himself.

"Naked and waiting," I teased. "Just how I like it."

He placed a hand on each hip and stretched his shoulders to make himself seem as big as he could. "Wow, Caulfield," he said. "I knew you were a bit air-headed but it seems like you don't realise that I still have my pants on."

"Not for much longer."

Nate advanced towards me, loosening the string on his sweatpants with every step he took.

The same nervous adrenaline surged through my veins again and I asked, "Really? We're going to do this whilst the sun still shines?" It was rhetorical in a one sense, and genuine in another. I wanted this, oh god I wanted this, but I also wanted a chicken burrito. And some Belgian waffles… and pancakes. Pancakes! Maybe, bacon and eg–

"Max," Nate said, centimetres away. "That was a joke. I was just teasing you."

No, no, no! I wanted Belgian waffles with extra fudge…

Bluberries?

"Max!"

No, no blueberries.

The room moved underneath me. It was closing in.

"Max?" The sound is gentle.

My throat croaked, "No blueberries."

He grabs me by the shoulders and pulls me into his skin. "You're okay now Max. It was a joke. A joke."

Synchronised breathing in silence. Heartbeat. Calm, calm, calm. It's Nate. Sweet Nate.

There was a knock – I thought it was my heart. But then it got louder. Louder than the thunder last night.

"Nathan Joshua Prescott open this door now," Sean Prescott commanded. "I'll give you five seconds."

Nate scrambled to put his shirt on and I stuffed myself under his bed. My heart was in my stomach and I held my breath as if the sound of my eyelashes fluttering would get me expelled.

I couldn't see anything from under the bed but I could feel Sean's footsteps on the ground. "This place is filthy, Nathan."

Nate didn't reply.

"I noticed your truancy this morning."

Nate didn't reply.

"Well," Sean continued. He made his way to the other side of the bed and I cringed – you could see my elbow sticking out. Sean let out a low laugh and gave the bed one big pat. "Hopefully my son will introduce me to you one day."

His trail of daunting steps made its way back to the door. I bet he was sporting a smug grin on his face as he bellowed, "Maxine Caulfield."

Nate didn't ask me to come out from under the bed, but I did so after a minute of playing uncomfortable Tetris. Nate wouldn't even look at me. He was sat curled up in a ball on his couch.

"Please talk to me, Nate," I pleaded. "Nathan?"

He shivered.

"You helped me," I said. "Let me help you."

I wanted to cry for him and his obvious fear of his father, but I couldn't.

-0-

For the second day in a row, Nate didn't attend class. He didn't even text or call or show up at my room unexpectedly. A small demon in my head told me that Nate was avoiding me but the angel won me over with: "He just needs some space."

My body started pruning after standing in the shower for so long. I heard light footsteps approaching, but it was still a surprise when I heard Victoria's voice call out. "Max?" She spoke with the concerned tone of a mother, "Max you've been in there for fifty minutes. Are you okay?"

I felt confused. Not because Victoria was concerned about my wellbeing, but muddled over what was going on in my own head.

It was as if my brain was telling me to feel upset. Upset that I almost gave my body to someone who was acting like I didn't exist. Yet I wasn't. I hovered my hand over the spot Nate had been clinging onto not too long ago and I didn't feel dirty or used – I felt desired.

"I'm sorry I just lost track of time," I tried to laugh off.

When I dried myself, I left the shower to see a sympathetic pair of blue eyes. "Just talk to him, for the love of all things holy," Victoria tried to say nicely but the frustration was evident.

I made my way slowly to Nate's, deciding against calling him first. I needed to see him in person, I needed to look him in the eyes. There was a slither of light where his door wasn't shut properly. The loud noises ubiquitous to the boys' dorms drowned out the sound of a boy quietly sobbing to himself. From looking through the small crack into his room, I could see that the place was in a mess.

With his back towards his door, Nate couldn't see me. I noticed that everything that was on his walls was tattered or gone completely. All besides his "World's Best Son" award.

Nate ignored the sound of me closing his door and continued to ignore me even after I asked him what was wrong. I knelt down in front of him so that my hands could rest in his lap and my lips against his forehead. His mild shaking turned into outright shudders as I decided to wipe away stray tears on his face.

His breath hitched and he muttered, "Don't."

"I'm here for you, Nate."

"Shut up."

"Nathan…"

"You're not my girlfriend. We hooked up and we talked. Nothing special so don't act like it's more. When I say shut up… I mean shut the fuck up."

As I walked out his room, I hesitated in the doorway. I could've yelled or I could've cried, and I probably should've sat down on the floor and waited until he was ready to talk, but I decided to say exactly what I was thinking. "I can see that you're trying really hard, but nothing that you say will make me regret us," I said. "Just so you know."

-0-

My dreams were vivid that night. I heard a cacophony of voices, blending. Shouting. Pulsing. There were colours. Voices, pulsing. Colours.

Oh, I didn't try enough to help Nate. Did I even try at all? He helped me so easily, but I couldn't do anything for him… I wish I could go back. To a different time and help. I'd do anything.

-0-

My phone vibrated against my side table. Instinctually, my left hand reached for it without opening my eyes.

In bright letters, a message from an unknown number:

Keep your mouth shut about everything. Or I'm coming for your ass. I know where you sleep.