Chapter six

A/N: Hello, everyone. I'm finding myself just as excited about Fridays as you are. I love the enthusiasm that comes with posting a new chapter and waiting for your comments to find out if you liked it. And speaking about reviews, a special shout-out to the guest who left me the longest review I have ever received. I loved it, thank you very much!

This said, enjoy the read. Steve hit rock bottom in last week's chapter, let's see if he's ready to get help and slowly get over the guilt that he's feeling.


When Steve was in fifth grade, his father had told him about a sunset phenomenon called the 'green flash'. On a cloudless evening, at the precise moment the sun disappears from view and sinks into the sea, a fleeting spot of intense green light can be seen in its wake.

Fascinated, young Steve had spent hours on the beach behind the house staring at the sunset and reading about how a process called dispersion was responsible for that spectacular sight, and how the sunlight is separated into different colors, just like what happens in the sky after the rain with rainbows.

Armed with his camera, he had tried to catch the green flash on film for weeks, but it always happened so quickly he never got lucky.

And just like all those years ago with that fleeting green light, the answers were eluding him now.

After the breakdown at Tripler, he'd aimlessly driven around for a few hours. Untethered, enraged, and completely lost, he had ended up at the only place on the island where he felt closest to Danny, the lookout on Diamond Head road. That spot always seemed to calm his friend down and he knew it meant a lot to Danny. It was the first place he had stopped when he'd first arrived on Oahu, and the one he turned to every time his life threatened to fall apart: Grace's custody battle, Charlie and his illness, Matty's death.

Watching the waves crash and the sun make its way toward the horizon had had a soothing effect on Steve too, numbing him to the point that he'd completely lost track of time. Minutes had melted into hours as his mind retreated into a safe place. A place where he was still whole, Danny was okay, and they were still a family.

McGarretts didn't suffer in company. They preferred their deepest pain in dark solitude. So he sat there, staring at the multicolored hues painting the evening sky and trying to make sense of a reality in which his best friend was no longer by his side, a reality that he himself had created but had no idea how to fit in.

'Sometimes it feels like this job of mine has taken everything good from me, and I'm really starting to wonder whether any of it is worth it.'

The confession he'd made two years before rang in his ears.

It was true. The job had finally taken everything from him. His friends, his health, his sanity.

And no, it wasn't worth it.


Adam Noshimuri was in a bad place.

Ever since he had returned to the island alone, he'd felt like he didn't have a purpose, or any kind of stability.

The marriage that was supposed to save him – and in a sense, had – had crashed from bliss to misery in the span of a few months because of Kono's decision to fight a sex trafficking ring on the mainland. She had left him behind like a stray thought, not because of lack of love but because the intensity that drove her simply left no space for anything else.

And here he was, spending yet another evening out on the streets because the thought of going back to his lonely house was too depressing.

He missed her like crazy. Understood her reasons, but still resented her at times for choosing her job over him after all they'd been through, which in turn fueled his guilt and selfishness over the whole situation. It was a vicious cycle he needed to break before it destroyed them both.

Pressing on the accelerator, Adam let the Challenger leap forward and way past the speed limit as he cruised through the outskirts of Waikiki, traveling south. Hands stroking the wheel, gaze straight ahead, he was only half-aware of the world outside until he spotted a familiar vehicle by the side of the road.

He eased his foot off the gas, turning in his seat as he passed it. It was indeed McGarrett's Silverado, and it struck Adam as odd that it was parked in an area with no houses or other cars nearby. This was a popular spot during the day and up until dusk, one of many on the island where you could watch the beauty of a Hawaiian sunset. But the sun was long gone now, replaced by a silver full moon, its glowing white streams of light reflecting off the truck's metallic surface.

Frowning, Adam put his car into park and got out, looking around for signs of his friend. He reached the truck and cupped his hands to the glass, peering inside. Nothing. Then he tried the door, finding it unlocked.

His brow furrowed. This wasn't like McGarrett at all. Unless something had happened to him.

He walked to the edge of the lookout and peered down, but all he could see were the waves pounding the rocky shoreline below. A sense of uneasiness crept up inside of him and he grabbed his cell phone to dial Steve's number when a scuffing sound caught his attention.

"Steve?" He turned around, trying to figure out where the noise had come from as he started to circle the vehicle, stopping in his tracks when he spotted the Five-0 leader sitting on the asphalt, the upper half of his body propped against the Silverado's left front wheel.

"Steve?" Adam called again, quickly covering the few feet separating them. "Hey, man, you alright?" He asked, kneeling next to him.

Legs outstretched and crossed at the ankles, arms folded over his chest, McGarrett stood perfectly still, looking like a washed-out version of his former self.

"You hurt?"

It took Steve a moment to become aware of the other man's presence. He felt a touch on his arm, a hand gently closing around his bicep, and turned his head to the side to meet his gaze. "I, uh… what time is it?"

"Almost eleven. You scared me, man. You alright?"

Steve nodded. "Must've lost track of time…" he admitted, looking around as if suddenly noticing the blackness around him. Then another thought hit him. "What's wrong? Is Danny alright?"

Adam stared at him, a confused expression on his face. "What? No, man, I was just driving by. Saw your truck and stopped to see if you were alright." Realization started to dawn on him as he took in his friend's haggard appearance. Only one thing could upset McGarrett this much. "What about Danny? What's going on?"

"Get away from me, Adam," Steve said hoarsely, ducking his head. "Leave before I hurt you too…"

Taken aback by the ex-SEAL's words and the pain behind them, Adam put both hands on the man's shoulders, determined to get his attention. "Steve? What are you talking about? Where's Danny?" His decision not to check in with any of Kono's friends didn't seem like a good one after all as he got the feeling that he'd missed something important, something terrible that was affecting the task force leader in a way he'd never seen before.

The next words out of McGarrett's mouth did nothing to abate his fears. "I ruined his life… He's my best friend and he's in pain because of me." He shifted his position, dragging both of his hands over his face. "I've seen it happen so many times in the military, you know. Friendly fire. I've seen soldiers take their own lives because of it but never fully understood the implications of it until now. It just… it just wrecks you, man. And I don't know how to live with that."

Swallowing hard, Adam sat down next to him. The picture he was painting in his head as he put the pieces together was far more shocking and devastating than he'd imagined.

"I should've never accepted this job…" Steve continued. "All of you would've been better off without me." He tilted his head and their gazes met. "You would've been happier. Kono would still be here with you…"

Adam shook his head as his lips stretched into a thin smile. "Kono and I would've never met if it wasn't for the job… for you. Listen, man, you're the toughest son of a bitch I know. I know it's hard, but you'll get through this."

"I don't think I can. You don't know what it feels like…"

Silence stretched for a moment as both men lost themselves in their own thoughts. "I killed my own brother," Adam eventually admitted. "My flesh and blood. And I'm going to have to live with that for the rest of my life. I know exactly what it feels like."

Looking up at him, Steve saw turmoil and pain in the other man's eyes. Fear and shame. The same emotions that filled his own.

"Look, I'm not gonna tell you what to do or how to feel, I'm just offering my help."

The Five-0 leader pulled in a deep breath and let it out with a shuddering sigh. "Just let me up," he said. Adam held out his hand, then slid the other behind Steve's back to lever him into a standing position. "Can you drive?" He asked softly.

"Yeah."

"Wanna grab something to eat? I don't feel like going home just yet."

Steve rose to his feet, groaning as his stiff muscles protested at the movement, and considered the offer. He couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten a proper meal, or felt anything but the emptiness in his heart, the numbness in his brain, the rage in his soul.

Adam wasn't judging him or offering advice. He was just being there.

Adam had faced the darkness, and had learned to live with it.

For the first time since the accident, all the feelings he had kept pent up inside seemed to gradually melt away.

All but rage.

But with that rage came determination and resolve.

And a purpose. A goal.

A mission to accomplish.

He had screwed up, but maybe there was still a way to fix things.

"Actually, I have something else in mind. Follow me."


"So you remember." Lou Grover gazed purposefully at Danny, trying to decipher the other man's expression besides the obvious signs of distress still marking his features.

"I do." Danny scratched the beard he had sprouted during his unconscious state with his good hand. "Where is he?"

"We, uh... we don't know."

The beep of the heart monitor increased its speed. "What you mean you don't know?"

"We haven't been able to locate him," the older man admitted.

Danny sat up in bed, eyes wide. "Since when?"

"Twenty-four hours. No one's heard from him since you woke up."

"What… How is that possible?" Slightly dizzy from the sudden change in position, Danny closed his eyes and pressed his lips firmly, trying to breathe slowly and deeply through his nose. "Wha—what about his phone? Did you guys check his place?"

"Danny... calm down," Lou coaxed gently. "One of the nurses found his phone on the floor right outside your room. GPS on the truck is disabled and of course we checked his place, but it looks like he hasn't been there in days."

The Jersey detective felt his stomach clench and bile rise in his throat. "What about after I got shot? Was he here? I can't remember much…"

"All day. Every day. Five days straight. We had to arm-wrestle him to convince him to go home and get some rest."

Danny stilled, realization dawning on him. "He knows."

"He knows what?"

"He knows I can't move my arm. That stupid, stubborn, self-sacrificing idiot..."

Grover noticed Danny's stiff posture, his pale complexion and the deep lines on his forehead. "It's alright, man. We'll take care of it. We'll find him."

"How? The guy's a Navy SEAL, if he doesn't want to be found you'll never find him until it's too late!" His hand sliced angrily through the air, worry and frustration overriding what little sanity he had regained since the accident.

"Danny, please calm down…"

The pain-free bliss he had experienced waking up was gone now, replaced by an incessant throb in his chest and shoulder area that pulsed along with his strained heartbeat. "Calm down? He's out there, Lou! Doing god-knows-what and on a guilt trip because he thinks he's responsible for what happened to me. How am I supposed to calm down?" He raked a hand through his hair, an odd feeling of foreboding warning him they had to find McGarrett. Soon. "This is gonna end badly..."

Lou moved closer to the bed, leaning over the railing so that he could look Danny in the eyes. "I promise you, man. I promise you we're doing everything we can to find him. And we will. And when we do we're gonna drag his ass in here so you can rip him a new one."

The ex-SWAT Captain's attempt at humor fell unnoticed. Danny let his head sink back onto the pillow, feeling exhausted and utterly drained. He wanted – no, needed to do something, and yet his body was barely keeping up with the thoughts running through his head.

His gaze lingered on his right arm, wrapped protectively in a sling.

"So what's the prognosis?" Grover asked as if he'd read his mind.

"Who knows," Danny shrugged. "Doctor says there's no way to tell. I might be fine…"

"Or?"

"Or I may never regain full use of the limb."

TBC