Chapter 11
The wind blew strong across the deck as Amira stood looking out over the sea. The full moon was out tonight and somehow it seemed to make the stars shine brighter. Amira never knew why she felt so at home on the sea. Sure she'd spent a good portion of her childhood growing up in a sort of fishing village but she'd never set foot on a ship until she'd been sent off from Reim for the first time. The salty air enveloped her in a feeling of home and the sound of the current lapping at the side of the ship lulled her into a sense of safety.
She closed her eyes and listened to the music of the sea, swaying lightly with the breeze. They'd been traveling for the last two days but were now far enough away from any land that all that could be seen was water. Normally Amira thought that would bring dread for some people but it brought her new life and vitality that she hadn't realized she'd been missing up until now.
"We haven't known each other for long," Sinbad's voice broke her thoughts, "But I feel like you haven't smiled like that in a long time."
Amira hadn't realized that a smile had spread across her face, "I haven't." She kept her eyes closed as she felt the breeze caress her cheeks and blow through her hair. "Did you want something or just to disturb me?" she joked.
Sinbad came to stand next to her, "I didn't mean to disturb you, but I was starting to worry if I left you alone you might jump into the sea and never return."
She opened her eyes to give him a sultry wink, "I still might." They stood side by side for a long moment staring out at the waves before she spoke again, "You say you've conquered the waves of the sea, but did you ever think that maybe they conquered you?"
Sinbad gave her a confused look, "The thought never crossed my mind, but even now that it has I still believe it is I who has conquered the waves."
Amira smiled, "Just as cocky as I remember you."
"They've conquered you though I see," Sinbad responded.
She didn't know how to respond; she wanted the sea to have conquered her. She'd given in fully to the feeling of the waves and the sounds of the sea. She'd have been glad to sit in a tiny row boat and let the current take her wherever it saw fit. "When you allow the flow of destiny to take you, you may fight a storm but you'll always end up where you were meant to go," her voice was barely above a whisper.
Sinbad traced on of the scars along her back, "You've been through one hell of a storm."
She shied away from his touch, "That was the easy part." She remembered the pain that had gone numb after some time only to give way to the psychological pain that had been caused. She still suffered the torture of the psychological games that had taken place; questioning her reality and the nightmares that had never fully gone away. Amira looked at Sinbad, "You never told me about what it was like for you, being a slave."
He sighed, "You haven't told me about what happened to you either. And I hardly think this is the place to talk about such things."
Amira was shocked, had she found something that really bothered him that much? A crack in his shell? "There never really is a good time or place to talk about such things, but the longer it stays bottled up inside the more it eats away at your soul."
When Sinbad looked back at her the pain in his eyes was so clear that she could almost feel it herself, "There's not much of my soul left."
Amira sighed, looking up to the stars overhead, "It was dark, and I didn't see sunlight for… honestly I'm not even sure how long. After a few days of beating and slashing I went numb, there wasn't much that they did that honestly I can even remember. One day it was so bad that my eyes were swollen shut and every breath I took felt like nails in my lungs. Then suddenly there was sunlight, and the pain of the light stung so bad I almost wished to be back in the room covered in my blood. But what I never expected was how they made me question my life, my own existence and the path that I was taking. It all turned around so fast that when he was ready to kill me I almost asked for it. I lost my home and I lost my trust. I'd almost lost the will to live when Knell and I went to Heliohapt. And then the nightmares started and it was like I'd never known the true meaning of torment." She looked back at Sinbad then though her eyes drifted to some memory in the past.
"How did you get over it?" he asked.
She smiled at distant memories, "Umbra helped me get past the nightmares. Taught me how to find my inner calm and helped me learn to silence the voices of doubt," she looked at the various crew members maintaining the sails, "I slept with a lot of men, and a handful of women. Sometimes it was to forget, sometimes it was to remember…but mostly I just wanted to feel something again…anything."
Sinbad gave her a look of understanding, "Trying to find a way back to normal?"
Amira laughed, "I've never felt normal. No, I was just so numb that I wanted to feel. I questioned everything in my life, absolutely everything. It wasn't until I started working with the orphans that I finally began to feel things again; and I think it was because I had a purpose. But when the old king died and the murders started happening the darkness crept back in. It's like a rock tied to my soul dragging me down."
Sinbad draped an arm around her, "I've felt the weight of that stone. The trick is allowing someone else to help you bear it. I've found comrades that have helped me without even being asked. And in my darker moments have even taken that weight from me entirely."
"You've got to stop sounding so human," Amira laughed lightly, "It'll make that crown way too heavy."
He laughed, "Destiny never gives us more than we can handle right? Otherwise I couldn't conquer waves."
Amira silently wished her destiny would form a clearer path for her to walk; she envied Sinbad and his determination. She turned to lean backward against the ship's railing, "Does it ever make you tired? All that determination you have?"
Sinbad stepped closer to her, "No," he reached up and brushed his thumb over her cheek, "But trying to read you is exhausting." His hand gripped the back of her neck and he pulled her in to kiss him.
She wanted to kiss him, he felt warm, he felt safe, but she just didn't feel right about it. She pulled away, "I'm sorry, I don't know if I can do this again."
Sinbad looked confused, "Why not?"
Amira stumbled for the right words, "It feels wrong." Those definitely weren't the right words. Everything about Sinbad felt right, but in a dangerous way. He was a cage for her.
"What feels wrong?" he pressed.
She sighed, "I don't know, it just does." How could she tell him that he made her feel free but caged at the same time? Was that even what she was feeling? It felt like something was pulling her on a journey, one that involved Sinbad but yet strayed away from him. The closer she got the more it seemed to want to pull her away. What did it mean?
"Why do you pull away every time I try and get close?" he asked.
She froze, was he reading her mind? No, he couldn't be because if she really thought about it she didn't pull away, destiny just seemed to be steering her in a different direction. "You're thinking much too highly of yourself. I'm here because it benefits my companions; and because you have children in your care that make me feel useful." She slumped down onto the deck pulling her knees into her chest.
Sinbad leaned over the railing, "You know you're frustrating, don't you?" He laughed lightly, "I've been able to read the waves and make them work for me. I've done basically the same thing to win fights. A little flirting and women fawn all over me. And then there's you. Everything I do right is somehow suddenly wrong. Would it even benefit me to ask how to get through to you?"
Amira looked up at him, "Are you asking how to conquer me?" She smirked, "Is the great, noble ladies' man Sinbad actually asking a woman how to properly woo her?"
Sinbad laughed, "Would it kill you to just be a woman for a few seconds?"
Amira blinked at him, "You know I'm always a woman right?"
Sinbad rolled his eyes, "I mean like a carefree, giddy, maybe annoying woman."
Amira laughed, "Like one of those idiots that fawns all over you?" She twirled a lock of her hair between her fingers, "Like this? Oh do you want me to puff out my chest so you can stare at my cleavage too?"
Sinbad sighed, "On second thought, that's a pretty terrifying view." He crumpled next to her staring up at the stars, "Why was it so much easier in Heliohapt?"
Amira laughed, "Well you let the sun kiss your ass a little too much back there, but I don't think it was easier."
He looked back at her, "What do you mean it wasn't easier?"
"You were rather intense," Amira blushed lightly thinking about it, "It wasn't lighthearted like the usual screw arounds that I've had. There was some sort of need behind it for you; maybe that's why it feels so wrong to go at it again."
Sinbad laughed, "You said you slept with plenty of people to forget something and you're still telling me that wasn't lighthearted?"
Amira looked at him, "There was too much passion behind it to be 'forget' sex. So was it passion for me or passion to forget her?" Sinbad looked confused, "The princess has a thing for you, in case you hadn't realized. Probably why she suggested you marry her and take over Parthevia in the first place."
Sinbad laughed, "That's preposterous, she told me to use her to gain a country. She even said it would basically be a show marriage; that I could take on whomever in the bedroom that I desired."
Amira sighed, "So you're what? Scared? Because someone knew you'd never be satisfied settling down and offered you a relationship with an out?"
"No," he growled, "I'm furious that she would think that was the only way I could accomplish my goals!"
"Face it, Sin," Amira calmed, "As much as you hate the idea, the fact that it's an option scares you. You can't help but think that if it came down to it, as a last resort, it's something you'd be willing to do."
Sinbad looked furious, "No, even if it was the only way left I'd find another way. If I'm trying to change the world I can't go about it using one of the rules I hate."
The passion burning in his eyes nearly terrified her, "Then what about this whole situation has you so irritated that you can't find the truth?" He calmed down and sat silently for a long moment. It looked like a million thoughts were running through his mind playing out across his face like a play. It happened for so long that Amira became worried, "Wake up, Sin."
"Wake up?" he repeated back as if in a daze.
Amira's head spun. Why? It was his voice that broke her out of her hell? How could it even have been that way? She had no attachment to him then, and even less as the months ran on afterward but somehow his voice was always the one to bring her out of her nightmares.
Sinbad shook her lightly, "Amira? Are you okay?"
He pulled her from her thoughts and looked at him as if he were a ghost, "Why?"
He looked a little shocked, "Why what? Are you feeling alright?"
Amira shook her head, "Why did my subconscious have to pick you of all people to pull me out of darkness?"
Sinbad was clearly confused, "What does that have to do with anything?"
"For the longest time I've been wondering why I was able to crawl out of the dark with just a voice telling me to "Wake up" just to find out that it was your voice," Amira put her face in her hands, "Why you?"
"You're telling me that somehow while I was a slave and you were being tortured that I pulled you out of the darkness?" he sounded as confused as she sounded frustrated.
"My subconscious was helping me fight," Amira grumbled, "But for some reason it didn't pick one of my parents to pull me out, not any of my mentors or friends…it chose you. What the hell makes you so fucking special, Sin?"
"Maybe deep down you knew you needed help carrying that stone, and at the time I was the only one you knew with any strength," he sounded wise beyond his years. Amira couldn't help but look up at him, confused and somehow comforted. "Do you still need help bearing that weight?"
Suddenly Amira knew why nations had agreed to Sinbad's ideals. Sure she'd heard the speech but it was nothing compared to the fire and compassion he was showing now. "The weight is barely something to concern myself with anymore, but the darkness keeps pulling me back in," she admitted.
Sinbad stood and pulled Amira to her feet, "Then what do you need from me? Do you need an anchor, solid ground?"
Amira thought for a moment, "A lifeline," she finally said, "Sometimes the storm is stronger than I think and it would be nice to have someone willing to pull me back."
Sinbad smiled, "I can do that."
It still felt a little wrong to Amira. There was too much connecting them when she felt like she was being pulled away, "So what happens when life draws me in the opposite direction?" He looked at her, confused so she continued, "I mean it's not like either of us will ever settle down, much less with each other. So what happens when life inevitably draws me to another country or halfway across the world?"
Sinbad smiled, "We let life happen. But we keep in touch, like how I keep in touch with every country that I've joined forces with. Who knows, maybe someday I'll even need you to pull me out of the darkness."
Amira smiled, "You probably will."
"In the meantime, it's rather convenient that we might be under the same roof…"
"No. We're not getting that familiar," Amira cut him off, "Every once in a while, sure. But not regularly."
Sinbad laughed, "What kind of a schedule are we talking about?"
Amira sighed, "I don't think it should even be a schedule. Like if the right set of circumstances happen about then, fine. But it can't be something expected."
Sinbad snaked an arm around her waist and pulled her close, "But expectations are half the fun."
Amira couldn't help but smile, "If we're living under the same roof we'll see each other too often. How about when you or I go on a trip we can make a habit out of welcoming the other home."
"But what if neither of us goes on a trip for months?" Sinbad pouted.
She giggled lightly, "Then send me out as protection for one of your trading ships; if you want me in your bed so badly."
Sinbad smiled, "You might go out on every trading ship if that's what you're offering."
"I'm not telling you to use me to your hearts content," Amira grumbled, "I'm telling you if the whore house isn't cutting it for you that you have a loophole."
"Now why wouldn't you be telling me to use you?" Sinbad asked, "It seems to be a common phrase among women."
Amira rolled her eyes, "If I ever tell you to "use me" I've fallen."
Sinbad smiled, "Fallen? Like for me?"
Amira sighed, "And the more you talk like that the less chance it will ever happen, so thanks."
