April 23

I think Eli was completely right about the pressure only getting worse, so I have started working ahead already. Nothing says I have to shoot for taking over the hospital right away, that wouldn't have happened anyway. If I only have thirteen years under my belt instead of fifteen, literally no one will care. I am going to balance music and medical studies going forward, even when it comes to college. The things I do for Niko now will be practical experience for me, and that's very valuable. I haven't had to say much to my parents, we are pretty much a you-don't-ask and I-won't-lie family now. I think they figured everything out when we heard about the train derailing and I thought Niko had died. Just from seeing my face. And how I acted the next couple of days. But if I want to avoid a confrontation now, I have to keep my grades perfect. Every break a teacher is willing to cut me, I am taking.

Kokoro says she still has bad dreams. Nozomi says she's been asking about everything. The talent agency, me, the train derailment, why she can't remember checking out the performance arts college. A Japan Railroad East official called Niko, Nozomi says. He said that Niko shouldn't have been where they found her, according to the digital video the train cameras recorded. It seems like every major crash has weird things like that. It must all be mysterious and frightening for her. The Day won't make it any better. The Day has to come before she goes back to school. The weekend before.

So the schedule is - next week physical therapy, and I'll be attending and learning when I can. Week after, therapy at home and at the end of the week, we can help Minami-sensei decide when she'll be ready to come back. And the weekend before she does, well.

The weekend before that, we tell her her whole life is a lie and she's lost three years of that life, including the highest and lowest parts so far. That everyone knows her, even though she doesn't know us.

At least she won't think I am insane for hiding candy Easter eggs in her hospital room in the summer anymore. Maybe she thought I was studying brain injuries because I had one! I have to admit I wasn't thinking about the fact that she not only doesn't know what year it is, she doesn't know what month it is, either. For her, summer vacation is starting in about a month, so she probably figures she will be recovered enough to attend then, maybe without a wheelchair. But after all the nagging I did to get the others not to give away the month and day, wow, was that dumb.

As for idol stuff, we're going to give her the bad news, first, about what happened to her idol club. Then we'll show her the performances, including the Love Lives. Hopefully she'll feel uplifted, instead of crying because she can't remember any of it.

By the way, when Tsubasa and the others were complimenting us, that one time? I really wish they'd noticed that Niko was, you know, really good at about a dozen things we needed to be good at, instead of calling her an "imp." And guessing that maybe that was what every group needed. At the time, we all assumed she was so starstruck over ARISE or narcissistic she didn't notice they were insulting her by omission. She thanked them and even said "I'm the imp!"

Well, now that I have her nikki, I can write that she very, very, very much understood that put-down. It's kind of hard to read that day's entry. Not emotionally hard, though that's also true. It's just that there are so many tear stains it's all smudged.