April 24
Niko if you read this, I completely understand, by the way, I have seen it first-hand. You have usually had a lot to cry about and a strong determination to pretend to be cheerful so you hold it in and in. And when something really crushing happens, if you start crying, it's hard to stop. You usually are washed out the next day. To put it bluntly, you didn't have any close friends to cry to, so you turned to your diary. You couldn't cry in front of your little sisters and brother, and adding to mama Yazawa's hardships was something you were determined against.
In a nasty coincidence, Kira Tsubasa called. I actually mentioned the incident, I thanked them again for the compliments, but I was very sharp with her about Niko. As expected of Tsubasa, she stood her ground.
She said, "well, we wanted to say how cool it was that you were all a unit, that everyone was important to the whole. And then we went overboard I think spelling it out. So, yeah, it sounded like we said every one of you is vital, except, of course, Niko-chan." She said she was sorry about that.
But she added that Niko wasn't very good at fishing for compliments. The way she talked big all the time, but in a very insecure way, like she didn't expect anyone to believe her. And like she had a big ego and thought she was the main star. Only not quite. All Niko would have had to do was be a little humble and the other Muse would have pointed out her good points.
Tsubasa also turned it around with some sharp questions and observations. She said didn't the others in Muse routinely ignore Niko, even when it sometimes cost them, because what Niko said was right? Didn't she once complain that they didn't treat her like a third-year, and practically everyone in Muse taunted her that she was more like a kid or a mascot?
She said, at first the only ones that occasionally treated her with respect were Honoka and Rin, because they all had fun together. And everyone else called them the three idiots, right? And that when you looked at it, ARISE were just high-school girls like Muse, and no smarter or more sensitive really.
"Maki-chan," she said, "You are the one who probably hurt Niko's feelings the most often. It's very sad that she idolized us so much and we let her down. But you need to search your memories and figure out why people treated her that way. From what Honoka says, you're kind of re-raising Niko, so why not fix that?"
Tsubasa can say some very sharp things, but, like Honoka, it's not as antagonizing because she puts forth a lot of sincerity and caring when she says them. I actually thought "why not fix that?" to myself. The thing is, Niko's bucket of self-respect got shot full of holes by life, and she felt like she had to fill it and stop it up all day, every day. She wouldn't have to talk so grandiosely if she was given proper respect for what she actually was and did.
I also don't want to give the impression that we had a bad call, because, like Eli. there was a certain amount of objectivity that I probably needed at this point.
ADDING THIS LATE 24TH
Niko, I don't know when or if you'll read this, but you have some great kouhais coming along. You already know about Alisa and Yukiho. Technically, they'll be in the same year as you, but I think they'll think of you as an idol sempai, nonetheless, and I promise you they respect you completely. And I won't show you this until you know what's going on, but in two years, you and Kokoro will be in the same school for the first time since elementary school.
When Tsubasa mentioned Rin, Honoka and Niko all going out and having adventures and getting into trouble and having fun, I felt defensive. I actually thought in a fuzzy way, well, it was me she lost her virginity with. I am absurd at times. But the very first thing I looked for in Niko's nikki was our first time.
Niko, I can't wait till you reach this part of our shared nikki of the Niko you don't remember being. It was the same way for me. The same as you wrote. Our first time. I was exactly the same. I felt like I'd had a chip on my shoulder all my life and something knocked it off. And instead of wanting to have a fist-fight, I could say, oh, thank God, that chip is finally gone. That we could finally be so honest with each other. It was spiritual, even though it was so completely physical.
