I stand still for a minute, uncertainty wrapping around my heart, weighing it down in my chest.
I am really going to do this? Am I really going to confess to Jimin? What if he rejects me? What if-
"Fuck it," I whisper, taking off in a run. I hear Jin and Namjoon calling out from behind me, wishing me luck. Their cheers fade into the background as I run. I turn a corner, my mind occupied with thoughts of a certain orangette, when I smack into something. A quiet "oof" escapes me as arms reach out, steadying me.
"Yoongi?"
I freeze at the voice. My eyes dart around, taking in the muted colors that I had been too distracted to notice before. I look up into the eyes of my Kindred Soul.
"Hi, Hoseok," I greet him awkwardly. I attempt to step back, but am stopped when his hands grip tighter on my arms.
"I haven't seen you since the coffee shop," he says, a tight smile forming on his face. "You just kind of ran out. Are you okay?"
Anxious to get away from this situation and back on my way home, I brush off his question. "Yeah, I'm fine." I bounce from foot to foot, my eyes darting around the room.
"Do you-do you have somewhere you need to be?" he asks sadly, noticing my behavior.
I nod my head, "I actually do. You caught me at a really bad time, Hoseok." I reach up, prying his hands off of my arms and stepping back. I give him a small smile, "We can talk about this later, okay?"
I run passed him, barely hearing his dazed reply of "Oh, yeah. Okay, then." Soon I'm approaching the doors, the world back to its usual monochrome scheme. I burst through them, quickly apologizing as I nearly run into an innocent bystander. They shoot me an evil glare, but I ignore it and just continue on my way.
My chest heaves as I run, approaching my building. I race up the front stairs, the receptionist greeting me as I blow passed her. I take the stairs two at a time, my labored breaths echoing in the stairwell. I slow to a walk as I reach the top of the stairs, needing time to catch my breath before talking to Jimin.
Finally able to breathe better, I walk into our hallway. My eyes zero-in on Jimin's door and I stalk towards it, completely focused. So focused that I jump when I see movement from outside my own door.
I look towards the source of the movement, and am surprised to see Jimin sitting in front of my door, his head leaning back to rest on the dark wood. I take a deep breath and walk towards him, the colors around me coming to life as I approach him. At the soft sound of my footsteps, his eyes glance in my direction but he doesn't rise. Even as I stand in front of him, he continues to sit on the floor, his eyes far away as they gaze up at me.
"Jimin," I greet, still slightly breathless. I gulp, trying to compose myself. "Wha-what are you doing here?"
"We need to talk," he says. He slowly rises to his feet, our eyes now level. At our close proximity, I feel my cheeks start to redden.
"Oh-uh-well that's great," I stutter out, completely flustered by the man in front of me. "I actually wanted to talk to you as well." He nods, still staring at me. I clear my throat, gesturing to the door behind him. "Do you want to come in? I mean we could talk out here, but it's the hallway and I don't know if you want privacy or not." He just stares as me as I babble on, making a fool out of myself. "I mean not that what you want to talk about requires privacy-" He steps to the side, giving me access to the door.
I move forward, my hand shaking as I unlock the door, gently pushing it open. I stand to the side, letting Jimin go in ahead of me. We slip off our shoes, a tense silence surrounding us. I feel Jimin's gaze on me as I slip off my sunglasses, placing them in their usual spot on the counter. I look up, once again stunned by the vibrancy of the colors when they weren't blocked by my glasses.
My lips lift in a nervous smile, my teeth tugging slightly on my bottom lip as I walk passed Jimin and into the living room. I flick on the light, preparing myself for the pain that usually comes with it. But that pain never comes and I breathe a sigh of relief. It was nice to not have to flinch every time I turned on a light.
I walk ahead, Jimin's light steps following along behind me. "Can I get you anything?" I ask, trying to be a good host.
"No," Jimin replies simply.
"Okay then," I say, shrugging. I lead him to the couch, sitting on one end. I expect Jimin to sit right next to me, but, to my surprise, he perches on the compete other end of the couch. Disappointment fills me but I try not to show it by forcing a smile on my face.
"So you said you wanted to talk," Jimin says, getting right to business. My heart flutters, nervous for what I was about to admit to him. I open my mouth, but Jimin cuts me off. "Actually, I think that I should go first," he says seriously. My confidence falters and I let him do as he pleases.
"Yeah, yeah. Okay. Then you go ahead," I say, my voice shaky. He nods, his jaw clenching and unclenching.
He looks really uncomfortable. Maybe I should say somethi-
"I think we should end this," Jimin says, interrupting my thoughts. My stomach drops, my eyes dropping to the floor.
"End what?" I ask, playing dumb.
Jimin looks at me, his brown eyes hard as he gestures between us. "Us. This. Whatever this is," he explains. "I think we should end this."
I look away, breaking our eye contact, as tears spring to my eyes.
This is it. I knew he would leave.
I swallow, trying to make my face as stoic as possible. I clench my eyes shut, willing the tears to go away. When I'm sure I don't look as torn up as I feel, I turn back towards Jimin, my gaze now just as cold as his own.
"Where is this coming from?" I ask, my voice coming out confident even though I'm a mess on the inside.
"It's something that I've been thinking about since you told me about your curse," he admits.
"Why?"
"Well, you even said so yourself, hyung. Just because we're soulmates doesn't mean that we have to be together. And you've said repeatedly that you don't like me, so why keep this going?" he explains, my sadness turning to anger with every word that leaves his mouth.
Excuses. It's not because I don't like you, right? You've never cared about any of that before, always chasing after me. You just realized you don't want to bear my burden, right?
The angry thoughts fill my head, but I don't voice them. Instead, I sit quietly, listening as Jimin tries to explain himself. "There are multiple people in world that can bring you color. One's even interested in you. I'm sure Hoseok-" Anger boils inside me at the mention of the choreography teacher, "-would be thrilled if you decided to go after him."
I zoned out, distancing myself from the situation as I stared at the wall in front of me. I could hear Jimin still talking to me, but his words didn't register. They bounce around my head, Jimin's voice a soft buzzing in the background as I try to picture myself anywhere else but here, anywhere where I wasn't getting my heart crushed.
I could tell him how I feel, it might change his mind.
But why? If he's so ready to leave me after only being around for a week, what would keep him here the rest of our lives? He could leave at any time, abandoning me. Even if I told him how I felt, it wouldn't change that, would it?
Coldness spreads through my chest until eventually it swallows me whole. Noticing that Jimin's voice has stopped, I turn back toward him. His angry gaze lands on me, but I can't bring myself to meet it. "Aren't you going to say anything?" he says angrily. I almost laugh as my mind flashes back to the time that I said the same exact words to him.
"I don't know what you want me to say," I sigh, copying Jimin's response.
His stony expression cracks, letting glimpse the desperation beneath as he pleads, "Just tell me to stay, hyung. Give me a reason! Anything." His voice cracks, a stray tear rolling down his cheek. My arm aches with the need to move, to wipe the evidence of his sadness away, but I can't bring myself to do it. "How am I supposed to love you if you don't love yourself enough to let me?"
I remain silent, unable to give him what he so desperately needs from me. Jimin just stares at me, his eyes boring into mine, as he waits for my response. I sit still, afraid that any movement on my part would shatter the fragile hold I have on my emotions.
After a few minutes, Jimin laughs, the dry sound bouncing off the walls around us. Standing, he wipes the dampness from his cheeks. "Yeah, that's what I thought," he bites out, turning to leave.
"Jimin, wait.." I breathe, my voice wavering. At the sound of my voice, he freezes mid-step. He turns to look at me, unable to hide the hope rising in his eyes. That look almost undoes me, almost makes me forget all the reasons why I wasn't stopping him from leaving. Almost, but not quite.
"I'm sorry," I apologize, my words sounding pathetic even to my own ears.
All the light leaves Jimin's eyes as a bleak smile lifts his lips. The tears he had been holding back raced down his cheeks, but he made no move to wipe them away as he looks at me. "That's what makes this so hard," he whispers, his voice wavering. "You don't even know what you're apologizing for, do you?" He doesn't wait for my reply as he stalks passed me, the color leaving with him.
As the familiar grays surround me, I want to chase after him, to tell him that he can't do this. That we should stick it out. That everything he thinks is untrue. That soulmates can't just leave.
But that's untrue, because he just did.
The sound of the door slamming resounds within me, shattering all my composure. And in the darkness of my living room, I fall apart. My heart shatters as I lose even the strength to keep myself upright. I slide to the floor and stay there, sobs shaking my body as I mourn the loss of the other half of my soul.
