Where could he be?
Victoria had wanted to speak to Lord Alfred about an important matter for days, but he was nowhere to be found. While normally he would make an appearance multiple times a day. His sudden disappearance not only irritated, but also worried the Queen.
At the moment, she was pacing around, thinking about her next action. "Albert, have you seen Lord Alfred?"
Albert looked up from the text he was reading. "I haven't seen him all week my darling."
"Where could he be?" she said, worry creeping into her voice. Alfred had never done this before. For years, he'd been at the palace and his loyalty had proven him to be a person Victoria could trust. Disappearing without letting something know was not something he would ever do. Or so she'd thought.
"Why don't you ask someone who might know?" Albert contributed before concentrating back on his task.
Victoria stood still. She'd asked around, but there was someone the Queen hadn't asked yet that might know.
"Duchess!"
"Yes, your Majesty." The words sounded before the bowing figure of the Duchess entered the room. The sight made Victoria smile. When the Duchess first came to the palace, she'd thought her to be prejudiced and utterly formal. And though she was too formal for Victoria's taste, the elderly woman was not as she'd been judged.
"Do you know where Lord Alfred is?"
The Duchess looked contemplative, like she wasn't sure whether she should tell or not, but after a few second she answered: "He's with Mister Drummond, Ma'am."
A small crinkle appeared between Victoria's brows. "Peel's private secretary. Who was shot?" She'd seen them talking a couple of times, but hadn't known they'd known each other so well.
"Yes Ma'am."
"Has he been there all week?" The Duchess nodded. "Why?"
Again, Victoria noticed that same expression on the Duchess' face. "They were friends, your Majesty."
The answer didn't satisfy the Queen. She understood Lord Alfred was worried for his friend, but disappearing for a whole week? It seemed illogical to Victoria. Only husbands and wives had the privilege to stay home when their spouse was sick. All other relatives or friends were kept up to date by a doctor and supposed to continued with their life and work as if nothing had happened.
"Tell him to come back, he is needed here," she ordered.
"But Ma'am-" Victoria's stern look made her close her mouth. "Alright, I'll send for him."
Later that day a carriage arrived at the palace. The man inside got out and made his way up the large stairs. His movements were slow, like time went on a different pace for him, and the bounce that was normally in his steps had disappeared. Only a few servants and palace guests that saw him walk through the halls recognised him. And when he opened the big wooden doors to attend the meeting the Queen had wanted him to attend so badly-
"What?"
"Oh."
- everyone turned around, looked at him and gaped. Alfred barely registered there shocked looks and walked closer to them, though he stayed further away than he normally would.
The reason for this reaction was simple: Alfred looked like he'd been run over by a carriage, patched up by a doctor and run over by another carriage only to start the cycle again. Purple bags resided under his once radiant, but now hollow eyes. His normally perfectly kept clothes looked like Alfred had worn them to bed for days and he clearly hadn't shaved for the same amount of time. His gaze rested on the ground and when he did look up, Alfred averted his eyes almost immediately.
The meeting did not go as Victoria had wanted. Lord Alfred may have been there, but mentally he was nowhere to be found in that room. Multiple times she, and the others in the room, had tried to ask him about his opinion on the matter, but Alfred didn't respond. At the end of the conversation Victoria had asked him her questions, but none had been answered. When the meeting came to an end, Alfred was already out of the chamber before anyone noticed he'd gone.
"What has happened to him?"
Victoria moved to stand in the door. "I don't know," She answered her husband while her eyes followed the young lord down the hall. "But I'll find out." She smiled at Albert before she stepped into the hall and traced Lord Alfred's steps.
The further Victoria walked, the clearer she could hear the familiar notes of a piano. From the hall she could see Wilhelmina play the instrument. Her fingers flew over the keys in a trained motion. For a few minutes Victoria listened to the music and let it carry her to another world. In the middle of the song, the player stopped. Victoria opened her eyes, which she hadn't noticed she'd closed.
"What are you doing here majesty?" Wilhelmina asked in her soft voice. The young woman rose from the piano stool and motioned for the Queen to come inside the room.
"I came looking for Lord Alfred." Victoria said as she walked to stand next to Wilhelmina. In the time the woman had been here Victoria hadn't really gotten to know her, but still she felt Wilhelmina was trustworthy. As she stood there, Victoria waited for the other to say something, but she did not. Wilhelmina just stared to the other side of the room and when Victoria followed her gaze, she understood why. Standing on the balcony, was the man she was looking for: Lord Alfred.
But now Victoria saw him standing there, she couldn't find it in herself to talk to him. He seemed so turned in on himself, so hurt, so vulnerable and Victoria knew she was not the right person to talk to him at the moment. That was why she instead turned to Wilhelmina. "Why is he acting like that?"
Wilhelmina got that same contemplative expression her aunt had had earlier that day and Victoria knew the other was aware of something she wasn't. But instead of pushing her, Victoria held her tongue and gave Wilhelmina the time she needed. Just when the Queen grew tired of waiting the other woman spoke: "You know where he's been this week?"
"I've heard he has been at Drummond's side, yes."
"Were you told that he hasn't left Drummond since he first got there?" Her eyes set on Alfred, worry shone bright in them. "He has barely eaten or slept this week. I had to bring him food, if I hadn't he would've starved himself."
Victoria's eyes widened at Wilhelmina's words, because she, indeed, hadn't heard that information. She looked down and noticed she was fidgeting with her hands. Quickly, Victoria stopped the nervous motion and placed her arms at her sides. "Why was he there? I know they were, are, friends, but why does it hit him this hard? He looks like his whole family has been murdered." Her eyes flickered to Alfred
Again Wilhelmina's expression became pensive. There was something no one had shared with her and Victoria didn't like it, but she had hope that Wilhelmina would tell her what was going on.
"I don't know how to find the right words. I guess they haven't been invented yet." Wilhelmina smiled sadly. "Alfred and Edward are… more?, than friends." Victoria raised her eyebrows, not understanding what Wilhelmina was trying to say. "They feel stronger for each other than friends. I- I don't know if I should tell this." Again, Wilhelmina's eyes flickered to the balcony. It was as if she was asking for Alfred's permission. When she finally decided to tell, her demeanor changed. Wilhelmina closed the doors to the hall before she stepped closer to the Queen, she scanned the room one more time and then whispered secretly: "The last day we were in Scotland, they didn't attend the entertainment prepared for you and your retinue, but went with the servants. I followed because, I liked Lord Alfred." It seemed hard for her to admit that and it took a few seconds before she could look Victoria in the eye again and continue. "Everyone was having fun dancing and so were they. It was adorable to see. I've often replayed those memories in my mind and I've realised that I've never seen them so happy before. They went away from the group and I followed, I guess I just wanted to share in that joy. That was when I saw it."
The silence that followed those words seemed to last minutes and Victoria couldn't take the suspense. "What did you see?"
Encouraged by her Queen's words Wilhelmina answered: "They kissed."
Wait, what? "They kissed?"
Wilhelmina nodded. "Yes your Majesty. I can barely believe it myself, but that is what I saw. And well, I said I never saw them happier than when they were dancing, but I'd lie if I didn't say they were more joyful than ever in that moment."
"I don't understand. I-" Victoria fell quiet as Alfred left the balcony and entered the room.
He didn't seem to notice the sudden silence in the room. Just as he paid no attention to the two women right in front of him.
"Alfred." Hearing his name made him look up, but the look on his face was confused. His mind was so far away that everything being said to him had to go through an iron curtain before it could reach him. "How are you?"
It took a while for Alfred to progress the question. "Not good, but Edward was doing better today. I have to get back." And before anything else could be said, Alfred had already gone.
Two pairs of eyes watched his retreating form, the persons those eyes belonged to only spoke when Alfred was gone. "I, euhm, have some business to attend to," Victoria said. Her statement wasn't true, but she needed some time to let this conversation sink in before she could understand any of it.
Wilhelmina looked like she was going to stop the Queen, but instead she said: "Of course your Majesty" like her aunt had taught her to do.
The rest of the day Victoria couldn't get that conversation out of her head. So when she lay in bed with Albert that night she had to ask his opinion on the topic. "Albert?"
Only problem: how could she phrase to him what Wilhelmina had told her. "Yes Victoria."
Even though she had no clue on what to say, she opened her mouth and let the first thing she could come up with leave it. "Do you think two men can love each other?"
Albert's brows furrowed like they always did when he was contemplating an answer and Victoria couldn't help, but think how cute he looked. "Of course, my love, many men are friends and love each other as that."
Victoria shook her head. "That's not what I mean. I know friends love each other, but I mean more than that. Could two men love each other." Albert looked at her with confusion, so she added: "Like we love each other."
His brows shot into his hair at the statement and he couldn't seem to rest his eyes on one place until he decided to focus on Victoria. "Euhm, well, no, not that I know off." His voice had a finality to it that clearly expressed he didn't want to discuss it further.
Victoria wasn't satisfied with that answer and continued without consideration. "But it has to exist right? All those old stories about men willing to die for their 'friend', the rumours that seem to follow Lord Matthew everywhere he goes and he's not the only one. I know gossip isn't always the most reliable source, but what I heard today made me think maybe there is more than the love a marriage gives."
"What story are you talking about?"
"You remember what the Duchess said this morning?"
Albert zoomed out for a moment, thinking back to that memory. "When you asked where Lord Alfred was?"
Victoria nodded. "She told that he had been at Drummond's the whole week."
"And the story you heard today, it was about them?"
"Yes, but it wasn't a story, it did happen. Wilhelmina said she saw them-" Even though she was beginning to accept the thought of two men in love, saying it out loud would be as accepting it as the truth, but maybe that was a good thing. "Wilhelmina saw Alfred and Drummond kiss."
"Wow, that's… I don't know. Did she really see this? You're sure she didn't make it up?"
"Of course I'm sure! Why would I tell you if I thought she was lying? And I'm still trying to wrap my head around it, but don't you think it's wonderful? Two people that love each other, what can be more divine than that?"
"But don't you think it's against nature? Women and men fall in love for a reason."
"Love is more than a desire to reproduce Albert!"
"Yes. Of course Victoria, but how can men love each other like that when it isn't the same, when they can't have the same as normal couples."
"You think it's abnormal?"
"Yes. Don't you see that."
"I do, but still I can't stop thinking: there's nothing more wonderful than love, so why should it be restricted to one simple category."
The look on Albert's face turned pensive, because, though he couldn't grab the concept, he did understand Victoria's train of thoughts. "Maybe you're right love," he admitted, "But still I don't understand it."
"I don't understand it either Albert, I don't think I ever will. But do we need to."
He didn't answer, but Victoria could see agreement shimmer in his eyes. Neither of them could understand it, but as she'd said: love is a wonderful thing. And who could oppose to that.
