Will sat down, exhausted, on the couch in their train compartment. He had gotten up early to do chores, grateful Mary and Becky helped with the chickens and pigs so he could feed the cattle and horses.
Then, he carried two trunks and two bags to their wagon, helped Ash bundle up the kids, and drove them to the depot. Finally, they were settled in their compartment for their ten hour ride to Harris Town.
Ten year old Mary sat on the floor against the couch, reading to Becky and three year old Brooke. Ashley nursed nine month old Jacob next to Will.
"Tired, love?"
"Yes, angel. As soon as we get moving I'm going to take a nap."
"Sounds nice."
"You could come too."
"And what should I do with the children?"
"Good point. Hmm, I'll just sleep here." He leaned his head on her shoulder and sighed.
"Sweetheart, just go in there. Maybe I'll sleep later."
Brooke stood up and climbed onto his lap. "Brookie, wanna take a nap with me?"
"Yep," she nodded, sticking her thumb in her mouth. The train was at a pretty good speed so Will stood up and took Brooke in to lay down.
…..
HARRIS TOWN
Cam Beckley walked Kiki home from school as he did everyday. Now they were on break until January. He wished they could spend the time together but he was headed with his family to Alberta to see his Grandma like they did every year.
"Cam? You leave tomorrow?"
"Yeah. I'll be there about a week." She would miss him. He was so easy to talk to and he made her feel important. She felt lost sometimes with so many siblings and everyone around her moving on and away, but he made her feel found.
Her pinky found his and held tight. That was the closest they ever got to holding hands. It felt like a wonderful secret between just them. She could be patient. She knew that if they moved past just a friendship in the future, she would have to be patient for a long time. Cam was going to be a doctor like his Dad and that would mean a lot of school and he would be gone a lot longer than a week.
She didn't want to think about that. They still had a year and a half before graduation and for that she was thankful.
As they got closer to her house, the road that stretched out before them was empty, so he let go of her pinky and grabbed her hand. Her stomach did some weird fluttery thing as she felt his palm against hers. She looked at him and smiled, wondering what it all meant.
All of the sudden her little brothers ran past laughing and she dropped his hand. He threaded his fingers through hers again once they were gone and they continued walking.
"I'll miss you, Kiki." She looked up at him to see if he was serious. He seemed to be.
"You will?"
"Yeah. I will."
"Will you write to me?" There was something about getting a letter from the boy she liked that excited her.
"Sure."
"Good."
…..
Kiki stood at the stove finishing the mashed potatoes, listening to her little brothers and sister tell her parents about school, hoping and praying the boys wouldn't say anything about her and Cam.
"Hey, Kiki, how's Cam?" nine year old Bradley asked, a gleam in his eye. Charlie giggled next to him.
"I'm sure he's just fine," she told him, her cheeks turning pink.
"You would know, wouldn't you? Holding his hand and all."
"Bradley! Keep your comments to yourself!"
"Ok, everyone. Let's stop and take a breath. Bradley, Charlie stop teasing Kiki. Kiki, please don't yell."
"I didn't do it," Charlie told him.
"Charlie," Jack scolded calmly.
"Sorry, Dad. Sorry, Kiki."
Kiki sighed and nodded at him, showing her forgiveness.
"Anyone home?" Will called from the door.
The younger kids ran out to greet the guests and Jack headed over to the stove. He kissed Kiki's temple. "You ok, sweetie?"
"Yeah. I'm sorry I yelled."
"I understand, but they wanted a reaction and you gave it to them. Just stay silent next time and it will lose its fun."
"Yeah." She wasn't sure why she was sensitive about Cam, but she was. "Dad?"
"Yeah, babe."
"It wasn't wrong, was it? To hold his hand?"
"No. You like him? I mean, he's your friend, but do you like him more than that?"
"I guess. I've never liked a boy before. My stomach gets all fluttery. It's weird."
"Like butterflies?"
"Yeah."
He knew all about those. "Just go slow."
She nodded and hugged him. "Thanks, Dad."
…
Across the field, Drew cooked dinner for his older girls, while Carrie fed their newest addition, six month old Victoria. He never thought that he'd have four girls in seven years, but they did and they meant the world.
"Dada!"
"Hang on, Haley." The two year old hit her spoon on the table, sending potatoes flying everywhere. He sighed, regretting not feeding her himself.
Carrie walked in, Tory asleep in her arms. "Haley, sweetie, you're getting potatoes everywhere."
"Num," she grinned, putting her messy fingers in her mouth.
Noelle giggled, followed closely by Audrey, and then Haley joined in, beating her spoon on the table again.
"Silly girls. Baths tonight."
The front door opened and Em and Lee walked in with their boys. "Hey," Em said.
"Hey! Merry Christmas, Em," Drew greeted.
"You too, little brother." She walked over and hugged him, trying not to squish Nick. "Missed you."
Neither sibling had seen the other's newest child so Drew took Nick and Em took Tory.
"How are things?" Em asked him quietly.
"About the same." Ever since her miscarriage about five years before, Carrie had been different. She was quiet, distant, never laughing. Their relationship was ok but she had definitely changed and he didn't know how to fix it.
The only thing he did was take care of his daughters, reinforce how much he loved all of them, including Carrie, and take it day by day. Maybe one day, she would smile again.
…..
"What were you and Em talking about earlier?" Carrie asked Drew as they got ready for bed.
"You." He'd learned a few years before that withholding things would only make her angrier, so he strived to always be honest.
"Why me?"
"She's…we…are concerned about you."
"I'm fine."
"Sweetheart, something changed five years ago."
"Yeah. I lost a child."
"Actually we lost her."
"Yes and I don't understand what this is about, Drew. We've moved on. We have two more babies."
"I moved on, but honestly, I think all of your heart is still with Natalie."
It was true. She lost herself, her happiness, that day. And having Haley and Tory didn't magically fix it. She still missed Natalie everyday. She still thought about her as if she would just be there if she imagined hard enough. She couldn't let her go. She didn't know how.
"Carrie," Drew pleaded.
"Drew, what do you want me to do? Just forget? Forget how much I loved her and wanted her? I can't…I won't do that."
"You never said goodbye to her and you keep her so close, even though she won't ever be here. You need to let her go or you won't ever feel happiness."
"I don't know how to do that." She cried into his chest, feeling hopeless.
"I will help you, Ok? Will you let me?"
…..
The next morning, Drew kissed her goodbye and went to see his Mom.
"Morning, Ma."
"Morning, Drew. Want some coffee?"
"Sure. Can we talk? Alone."
"Of course." She looked at his face. He was sad, maybe a little lost.
They went up to her and Jack's bedroom. She shut the door and sat on the bed, patting the area beside her. "Ok, son. What's on your mind?"
"Hanna."
"Your sister?"
"Yes."
"Carrie's struggling," she stated. She knew it. The poor girl had lost a child and never recovered.
"Yeah. Can I ask you…."
"How I said goodbye?" Her eyes filled with tears as they always did when remembering the pain and the loss.
"You don't have to tell me but I think it might help Carrie."
"What about you?"
"I said goodbye, about a month after. I had to, Mom. For the girls. They needed a strong parent and Carrie wasn't up to it."
"You've been the strong one, ever since, haven't you?" He put his ranch on hold, working with Travis and Ben at the store instead. He worked four out of seven days, to make enough for their expenses. It took less time than his ranch would and that way, he could take care of his girls. "Drew, you need this as much as her because you've given up so much. You need to be heard. What you're dealing with is hard too."
"I don't look at it like that. I'm taking care of them. It doesn't matter how."
…..
He walked away from the chat feeling a bit better. He had an idea and it involved leaving the house and the kids with his parents. Somehow, he had to convince Carrie to leave Tory.
"No, I don't want to leave her."
"Two hours, sweetheart. She will be fine with Mom and Dad and Ashley can feed her if it was an emergency. We need this. You need it."
"I don't see how this is going to help."
"I need you to trust me." He touched her face gently, cupping her cheek. She closed her eyes and leaned into his hand, as if drawing strength from it.
"Ok." He kissed her forehead and held her close.
"I love you, baby."
"I know," she said, her voice breaking. She knew that it was necessary. She didn't want to be sad anymore.
"I'll pick you up before dinner. We will take the kids to Mom and Dad's, ok?"
She nodded and watched him leave the room.
It turned out, Em and Lee were headed to Mom and Dad's too so they took the kids after Carrie fed Tory.
"Ready to go?" She nodded and buttoned her coat.
They walked outside and up to the horses Drew saddled. They hadn't ridden together in years but when they had, it was enjoyable. Carrie didn't understand why they were riding horses at night, though.
They rode onto their property, stopping near the tree line at the edge of where their land and Kevin's land met. He helped her down, grabbed a small bag from his saddlebag, and led her a few feet away from the horses.
"See this tree, Carrie?"
He patted the trunk of a tree that was way taller than he was. "Yeah."
"This is Natalie's tree."
"What do you mean?"
"I planted it about a month after we lost her. At first I came out here everyday. Then just once a week. Now, I come out here on the anniversary. Planting this for her made me feel better, babe. I was planting life in this soil and it grew, just like she would have. It's beautiful and strong, just like she would have been." He didn't bother to hide his face. He was crying and he figured it was good because he hadn't in a long time.
He pulled out the small black bag and handed it to her. "What is it?"
"Open it."
She took the item out of the bag. He held the lantern up so she could see it. "A necklace?" She held it to the light. "It says Natalie." He had bought it years before, knowing one day, they would need it.
"There's something on the back too."
She turned it around. "We will never forget." She covered her mouth and cried. "Oh, God." He pulled her into his arms and cried with her, feeling a huge amount of relief as their tears fell together.
After awhile, he suggested she tie the necklace onto a branch. She stared for a moment and then kissed the pendant. "I love you, Natalie Thornton. I won't ever forget you."
Drew prayed with her, asking for help in getting through the pain and loss. For help in letting go and in finding happiness again. Finally, he showed gratitude for the beautiful girls they had and for the amazing gift of a wife that he had in Carrie.
"Amen," they said in unison.
…..
By the time they headed back, Carrie felt an immense peace in her heart and an urgent need to see her babies. She needed to hold them and tell them how much she loved them. She needed to laugh with them and sleep with them in her arms.
They took their horses to their barn first to get them set for the night.
"Drew?"
"Yeah?" She walked over to him and slipped her arms around his neck, pulling him in for a deep, grateful kiss.
"Thank you so much."
He wiped her tears and kissed her cheeks. "Are you ok?"
"Yes. Please, hold me."
About ten minutes later, they headed back to his parents home to get their kids.
When they walked in, the twins ran over. "Mama! We missed you."
Carrie bent down and opened her arms to them. "Come here, loves. I missed you too." He watched them both kiss her cheeks over and over. Then he saw it. Her smile. Her beautiful smile and it lit up her whole face. The tears he saw in her eyes were happy tears and that was an answer to many many prayers.
I BORROWED THE IDEA OF PLANTING A TREE FROM ANOTHER OF MY FAVORITE SHOWS DR. QUINN MEDICINE WOMAN.
