A/N: Thanks so much to my beta reader InTheMidstOfNovember for helping me with the major edit I did for this chapter.

Late August 1980

Sirius had gotten quite bored of looking at the same old peeling wallpaper in the little parlor room at the Leaky. It had very likely never been a thing of beauty; 40 years or so in, it was practically offensive to his eyes. Or maybe he'd just spent too much time there recently. He had an unconfirmed, but in his opinion, a very plausible theory that he was afflicted with a mild allergy to routine.

Since he had no particular magic to work on with Marlene for the day, he suggested they work on paperwork at a little muggle library that he knew of. They even served tea, done the muggle way. It was quaint and a nicer way to spend the afternoon than wishing he'd learned a spell to set wallpaper on fire without harming anything else.

The intense golden-red light the sun gave off just before sunset shone through the glass ceiling. They'd need to wrap up soon, but were finishing up their assessment of the discrepancies in the paperwork The Order held on a wizard called Igor Karkaroff. Sirius looked up from the paperwork and noticed that a little grey tabby cat was pawing at the closest window.

"Something's wrong, Marlene. That's Minerva outside."

"...Professor McGonagall? That cat? Oh hey. That's her alright. I wouldn't have recognized her but it is. What on earth is she doing here?"

Down in the pit of his stomach he knew it had to be something terrible. It was never anything good. Not like this.

"She wouldn't have come here if it wasn't important. I could be called out on a mission. There could be an attack. You should go home to your family. I have to deal with this. We'll talk later."

"I'll go if you want me to, but I want to stay with you. See what's wrong. I want to help."

Marlene had joined the order before the conventional time frame precisely because she wanted to help. She was as scared as all the other students in her year but she saw nothing useful in lying in wait. Waiting to enlist wouldn't stop her from being targeted. She was at risk and so was everyone she cared about. Learning to protect herself and allying herself with the Order seemed the logical thing to do. She cared about the world and wanted to put every effort she could muster into saving it from falling into the hands of a dark wizard. If not her, then who?

"Come on outside then, we need to see what McGonagall has to say and then you can decide what you're going to do."

They made their way outside to follow McGonagall. The little tabby hurried into a back alleyway where her phasing back into her human form would go unseen and undisturbed. Both Sirius and Marlene felt sick with worry. There was no one who was safe. Just about everyone they knew and loved could be in imminent danger, if they weren't already dead.

"Sirius…Miss McKinnon. I'm sorry I had to interrupt your work like this. Dumbledore sent me to be the bearer of bad news. Sirius, there's been reports of the death of your brother Regulus."

Minerva put a hand on Sirius's shoulder. This boy had been one of her Gryffindors just a few short years ago. He raised more than his share of hell but she loved him nonetheless, in her way. She'd been as shocked as everyone else when the hat sat atop the Black child's head and called out Gryffindor. Poor little thing had stood frozen in terror until she urged him to the Gryffindor table with a kind hand on his shoulder, just like now.

"I suppose I should have known." Sirius's voice was barely above a whisper. He stared off into space. His immediate reaction was shame. How could he have been so stupid to not prepare himself for this? This was his lot in life and he shouldn't have felt the rush of pain so acutely.

"I don't know Regulus's reasons for defecting… but it's possible that he had some good left in him. I'm so sorry my boy."

Sirius nodded because he didn't know what to say.

Reg… my little brother...

He'd sealed his fate when he ran. Or maybe before that. When he took the dark mark. His days were numbered when he put his life in the hands of a monster. Sirius hadn't spoken to him in nearly 5 years… the last time he saw Regulus, he was with the death eaters who attacked and tortured a muggle-born shopkeeper… he didn't even look at Sirius. Now he'd never look at him again.

"Murdered by Voldemort?"

"From the information I've been given it sounds like he-who-must-not-be-named sent someone after Regulus. Trackers. He probably wanted to make an example of your brother, in case anyone else were to think of running. He's ruling by fear. That's his philosophy. I wish I could do something to make this easier for you, Sirius, but I'm afraid all that I can do is give you my deepest sympathies."

"I hadn't heard from Regulus in years. Maybe he just… got scared. I… uhh… thank you for coming in person, Minerva. I appreciate that. I..uh.. need to go."

Shit. Fuck. Shit.

He felt like the floor had come out from under him. Everything had gone to complete hell and he was about to cry over his dead brother...who wasn't even a decent person...in front of Marlene and fucking Minerva McGonagall too for that matter. He couldn't breathe. He needed to be anywhere else and immediately.

Later, he'd think of how it was terribly inconsiderate to disapparate without making sure Marlene had a way home. But he hadn't been in a stable enough frame of mind to be thoughtful. He didn't consider it at all until he was already inside his flat. Alone. Fallen to his knees just a few paces inside the door.

Fuck. Fucking Regulus. Why couldn't he have had a spine? Why couldn't he see through the tripe they were fed? Why did Sirius have to have these people as his family?

Sirius always worked hard to avoid thinking of his childhood. He pushed the memories away any time they threatened to float to the front of his mind. He refused to think of the trouble they got up to when we were left for Kreacher to care for. He'd wanted to forget that he'd had a family… even a really dysfunctional one… because it was easier to have a total void in his past than to confront those few funny images that crept in from the depths of his memories. The sounds of childish laughter when he got his 7 year old brother stuck up a tree or magically bound to the cat were more haunting than the fact he was all alone.

It was easier to pretend Reg didn't exist than to think of the times he thought he could save him. He'd felt responsible for him but then he'd given up and walked away from it all out of self preservation. He couldn't think of that and then reconcile himself with the fact Regulus decided to take The Mark.

He'd always been a coward. Weak. He had no will of his own. Regulus Black had been a meer vessel for the expectations others placed upon him. Really, the only trait that was his brother's own, in Sirius's recollection, was cowardice.

Why did he still feel like he should have protected him? Regulus wasn't a little boy who was being bullied by older cousins… he could have made different choices. He didn't. Sirius wasn't… capable of protecting him from his own character. But the news of his death still came to Sirius like a punch in the gut. It didn't matter what he could or couldn't have done.

He poured himself an overly generous glass of Ogden's Firewhiskey and downed it in one. It burned. He wished that it could burn all this idiotic conflict out of himself. He was fairly sure that wasn't how it worked, but he had no better plan of action.

A noise jarred him out of his head. It was quite an effort to force himself to lift his head from his hands and see what was causing it.

It was the door. He hoped it was just someone trying to sell him crap at a very inopportune moment. Otherwise…

He poured another glass of the burning amber drink and guzzled it down quickly as he listened to the voice behind the door. Marlene. She'd mentioned that she'd already taken the apparition classes. She was meant to take the test next month. It appeared that she had apparated unlicensed for him.

Uggghh.

"I'm so sorry, Sirius. Is there anything I can do? Are you alone in there? Do you want me to contact anyone or get you anything? I'll bugger off if that's what you need. I just wanted you to know that I'm here and I'd like to help if I can."

Why did she have to be so fucking nice? He thought about how she could have backed slowly away from Sirius and his disaster of a family situation. He would have backed away from himself if that were possible. She was a fundamentally good person. Kind in a way that Sirius had seldom encountered. He didn't even deserve a person that good in his life. But she had offered her help and he wasn't a decent enough person to turn her away.

The effects of unwise portions of hard liquor that he'd ingested all at once hit him like a bludgeor to the head as he found his footing. He stumbled to the door and opened it.

By the way she looked at him, she really didn't seem to think less of him for any of this. It was hard to turn that kind of person away if she's at your door willing to be an ear to listen to your incoherent and increasingly intoxicated blubbering.

"You didn't have to come. But thanks. Even though we've only known each other for what… two weeks? You're just… here…asking to help. I'm sorry for leaving you there. As you could see, I was very close to going bug-fuck insane with all that. I might have come home and poured a bunch of firewhisky on my problems. Now I'm still a fucking mess but also drunk. I don't know why you even bother with me."

"I want to help because you're incredible and brave. You could have made choices that made your life so much easier but you're here. I lucked into getting to spend all this time with you. So really, keeping you company while you're a drunk panicked mess is the very least I can do."

"You're crazy. You really don't have to stay to babysit me. I'm sure I'll be ok. I'll floo James tomorrow."

"I'm staying unless you really want me to leave."

She wiped a tear from his face and took his hand. He really did want her to stay. With that tiny little hand came a wash of comfort. He didn't have the emotional energy to feel conflicted about the weirdness between them. He just… was glad she was there.

"You know I feel like a monster because I hardly even reacted to my own father being murdered? He was. Nearly a year ago. It wasn't like this. I just… Reg."

"I don't think you're a monster Sirius."

He didn't feel like spilling the gruesome details of his father's character and how someone like that treats his children. His father had left him bruised and bloodied from curses that he'd created himself, but those wounds had long since healed. The guilt he felt about Regulus would be harder to heal. Guilt. Shame. Fear. His mother's weapons of choice. Harder to escape. The whole thing was hard to talk about but words spilled out given the circumstances.

"My father was cruel and my brother was a weak coward and now they're both dead. Mum's all alone now. And I'm probably just as bad as any of them because I'm thinking about how much she deserves to suffer. I hope she suffers alone."

Sirius felt the effects of too much to drink too quickly in his head and stomach and everywhere else too while he was at it. This was really bad.

"I don't know anything about your family other than what you just told me, and that you were disowned for rejecting the pure-blood rubbish they believed. But I know you aren't as bad as someone who hurt you because you're angry that you were hurt. That's not how it works."

"I don't know how it works at all. I give up. I'm turning into a dog permanently and just living out my days. Dogs don't have so many disgusting feelings."

"...You can't… turn into a dog? Or…wait. You can turn into a dog? Like an animagus?"

"Aaahhhhfuck. Whoops. No one is supposed to know. I didn't… I've never slipped up before. Bollocks... Hope I don't remember this in the morning because I'm really gonna beat myself up about it if I do." He drew out the word 'really'.

Sirius just didn't have the energy or the cognitive function to properly beat himself up at that moment. Blurting that out was uncharacteristic, sort of like this whole thing with Marlene had been.

"I won't say anything… but please don't live out your days as a dog. I'd miss you."

Marlene was going to need to process the animagus business at a later date. She felt compelled to do whatever she could to bring Sirius a little comfort after he'd been dealt the wretched blow of the news of his brother's murder.

"I asked him to come with me." He mumbled.

"Your brother? When?"

"When I left home. When my mum burned me off of the tree. I begged Reg to come with me. I thought if he could get out of that horrid house and away from those horrid people then maybe he could have a chance. He… well obviously it didn't go that way."

"I'm so sorry. You must have really cared about him to want give him that chance. It isn't your fault that he didn't take it."

"I could have tried harder. My parents were both cruel in their different ways. And I left Reg there to live with that alone when he was just 14. I should have tried harder."

"You did everything you could. You went above and beyond. You could have just stayed neutral and kept out of it. But you are in the Order working every day against the sort of evil you saw. I can't… even express how big of a deal that is to me. You're an amazing wizard Sirius."

"You…."

He felt dizzy and a bit sick. It showed. He hoped Marlene would still think all these nice things about him if he had to run to the loo to be sick.

He looked at her from where he was seated beside her on the sofa. And everything felt out of focus. It seemed like the floor itself was unsteady.

Suddenly he was horizontal with his head was on Marlene's lap. He wasn't sure how he got like that. His eyes were still fixed on her though. He hadn't looked away. She was really pretty.

"I have lots of feelings and I hate them. But I like you and I like your freckles. They're like confetti. Thrown in celebration of your face."

"I think that's the nicest thing a drunk person has ever said to me. You look like you're going to pass out Sirius. Let me help you to bed."

He nodded affirmatively, but didn't find words. She stood up and pulled him by the hands up to his unsteady feet. She held onto him as he stumbled into the bedroom and collapsed onto his bed.

"Do you need anything? Can I get you some water?"

"Can you stay with me? At least until I'm asleep? That sounds rather pathetic… but I'm too drunk for pride."

"You aren't pathetic. You're… unthinkably brave. I'll stay. Budge up."

Generally speaking, either of the pair would have had more misgivings about getting into bed together. There was so much else going on though, that neither had it in them to object. She slid in beside him. The bed was a big enough that they weren't even touching.

"Oh Merlin… I'm sorry. This makes me seem like a creep." He blurted out the half hearted apology as she settled in.

In his inebriated state, he hadn't really thought it through before asking Marlene to stay. He didn't want to make her uncomfortable. Her presence was undeniably a comfort to him. He wanted her to know that but couldn't get his drunk tongue around the words.

"Relax. No one's a creep. My niece and nephew always want me to come in bed with them when they have nightmares. I can do the same for you."

Marlene stroked his dark wavy hair and thought about how different she felt about him now than she had just a few weeks ago.

She'd dreamt of getting in bed with Sirius Black for longer than she'd care to admit, but now she was actually in his bed all she wanted was to help him through this horrible experience. He was still devastatingly handsome, but she could see past that now, to this incredible person who was hurting and thought he had to do so alone.

"War is painful. We can't stop it from hurting. But you don't have to bare it alone. Ok, Sirius?"

"Thank you" he was almost asleep. But she was glad he heard her. He needed to know.

She kissed his forehead just once in a comforting gesture and reigned in any and all further impulses fairly easily.

He was asleep within minutes and she wasn't terribly far behind him.

She woke up in his arms the next morning. They must have drifted together during the night. She pretended to be asleep for as long as possible so as to prolong her time there.