Sirius was of a mind that every house had its own unique smell. Though truthfully, he hadn't been inside enough houses to say for certain that no two were the same. In any case, James and Lily's two story house in Godric's Hollow smelled like family.

Family permeated the walls. It was the smell he'd come to associate with the kind of commitment and love that James and Lily had for each other and now to their son. Though it was always nice to for Sirius to visit with his closest friends and his little godson, the whole family thing made him feel uneasy.

His own history with family was rather bleak and made him not so keen on the idea. His brother being callously murdered didn't make the concept any easier to stomach.

"He didn't even kill Reg himself. He ordered some other scum to do it and they did. They'll all turn on each other that easily."

"I know it must be awful for you Pads. You deserved a better family than the one you were dealt. I wish I could have helped your brother. I know you wanted to. I'm sorry things turned out like this."

James was the was the closest thing he had to a real family. He had been for a long time. But the whole concept of familial attachment came easily to James whereas it brought on cold sweats in Sirius.

He knew when he'd stood as James's best man that commitment suited James. He's worshipped Lily since we were kids and she'd become a genuine friend to Sirius too. He loved them both and wanted them to be happy. The thought of commiting to be a family with someone like that still terrified him.

His mother's disapprobation has enough vitriol behind it that he'd felt overt rebellion was the only option. If he hated her, then she couldn't hurt him. It worked out better for him in the end, of course. He'd become a better person and coming to truly hate his family's beliefs. The outcome didn't change the fact that it had been borne of a hurting kid who was distraught about disappointing his mother. All that pushback was a shield against her dissatisfaction with him as a son.

He felt that if he could disappoint his own mother that much he would always be at risk for letting the people he loved down.

It was hard enough for him to take that risk with friends. He looked at James and Lily, and thought about how much he needed them in his life. He would be lost without them. That alone was scary.

At least with friends he was encouraged to have more than one. The thought of singling out one person as your person and investing all your hopes and dreams in them made Sirius break out in a cold sweat. He didn't want any one person to have that much capacity to hurt him. He'd inevitably muck everything up and they'd regret ever meeting him. His mum showed him the extent of the damage one person could inflict him with given the authority to do so.

Casual sex, mostly with muggles who would make his mother seethe with anger, was fairly uncomplicated. It wasn't quite as pathological as it had been when he was younger and trying desperately to fill a void. He needed someone to approve of him in some sort of way, and he used the only gift his parents ever gave him to get it. He was attractive. There would always be someone. He'd slowed down in the past year. Everyone had a nice time and then he could just go about his life and not have another thing to lose his marbles over.

He'd really never found reason to question that choice. Until a reason burst through the doorway with giant hair; suddenly he was inundated with feelings he'd assumed that he was immune to. When woke up this morning with her wrapped in his arms, the inconvenient truth was too obvious to ignore. But his every impulse told him to deny it and run.

This wasn't fun. He'd seen other people falling in love and they looked like they were having fun. This was excruciating.

"Do you think I'd be a very disappointing boyfriend?" he asked James after Lily went with Harry upstairs to nurse him to sleep.

"Well Pads, I'm terribly sorry to let you down and all, but I'm married. Lily would be quite disappointed at my having any boyfriend."

"You're terrible. You know what I meant." He rolled his eyes fairly hard at that one. Sirius supposed that since James was a dad now he felt compelled to take every lame joke opportunity that presented itself.

"Who's the lucky witch? Or is it wizard? Or...muggle?"

James Potter had never quite understood the way Sirius operated in this regard. Lily was it for James, since he was just a kid. He'd never even thought of being with anyone else. When his best mate, whom he loved as a brother, came of age and commenced with casual and purely physical relationships, he felt confused. Sirius's requirements in a bedmate were few and far between. James was pretty sure they needed to be vaguely human shaped, willing, and attractive. He had some suspicion that his friend also avoided going to bed with anyone he'd actually want to have a conversation with. Though clearly, if Sirius was going on about being someone's boyfriend, he must have accidentally conversed with someone.

"You're not going to include veela in there? Vampire?" Sirius had to laugh. When James cringed Sirius winked suggestively.

"Ok Pads, while it's kind of you to plant that image in my brain, you still didn't tell me who this is about."

James hadn't fallen for his attempt at deflecting banter. He didn't look forward to revealing the particulars. Admitting it in a specific sense made it more real. The more real it felt the stronger the waves of nausea in the pit of his stomach felt.

"I meant in a more general sense. I've just been thinking…"

"Well you should stop that! It'll give you wrinkles."

"Prongs...I'm trying to have a moment over here! Stop it."

"Ok ok carry on about your thinking."

"Well I've wondered what I would do if I met someone? Would it even be worth trying? I've spent this long avoiding heartbreak and disappointment why start now? But what if I, ya know… hypothetically… had inconvenient feelings for someone?"

James was barely holding himself back from busting out in stitches laughing. He wished Sirius could see the priceless expression on his own face as he uttered the word 'feelings'. He looked a lot like professor Slughorn had the time they'd semi-inadvertently brewed an inverse of elixir of euphoria. It was quite strong and just a waft of it caused a noticeable degree of revulsion in Slughorn.

"Morgana's tits! Mr. Love-is-scary has been hit by Cupid's arrow! And you won't even tell your very best mate who it is. I'm hurt. But I'm also thrilled! It's always worth trying Pads. You won't know how good it could be if you never try."

"I've been hit by no such arrow thank you very much. At most I've been hit by an arrow of inescapable terror and dread."

"What about inescapable terror and dread? I'm always catching the end of things like that these days." Lily chimed in as she descended the stairs.

"Sirius is in love, but he isn't being very forthcoming with information. Anyway, tell him that he should definitely go for it!"

"How am I to know if he should go for it? I don't know anything about this whole situation. Sirius?"

Sirius glared at James, who looked happy as a clam at backing his friend into this uncomfortable conversational corner.

"James is making a giant out of a pixie. It's nothing. I just asked if he thought it would be worth the risk involved to make a go of the whole relationship thing that I've been so thorough about avoiding up to this point. If I.. err… happened to meet someone and find myself having really annoying feelings for them?"

"Annoying feelings. Ok then. You're right James. Our little boy is in love! Tell me everything!"

Sirius had, in the past, pointed out on numerous occasions that he was actually a few months older than both of the Potters. This didn't stop them from carrying on the banter that he was their child. Truth be told, Sirius would have to admit they'd done a better job raising him than his actual parents. Here he was, asking for their advice because he was completely at a loss for what to do. Just like incredibly annoying family, they were taking the mickey out of him as much as possible in the process of giving their earnest advice.

"There's nothing to tell. Really. I just… I shouldn't have said anything."

"Fine fine… you don't have to tell me. But if your feelings are persistently annoying then I advise that you make an exception to your rule. I think it could be really good for you. I mean, James and I had always hoped someone would come along eventually."

"Yeah. Uh. Maybe. Eventually maybe. It's all very… frightening. And a bit nauseating. Maybe we should talk about something else."

Lily and James looked at each other. Sirius suspected that they were having some sort of silent conversation about how to proceed in torturing him. It wasn't even a magical connection. The couple just looked at each other and maybe moved one eyebrow very subtly. It may have been a complex code of facial movements or perhaps his beloved friends were nutters. He sighed audibly in exasperation.

"Fine then. How's mentoring going? Who is it they have you working with again?"

Sirius's groan confirmed to Lily that she was right. She made an educated guess of who Sirius would have spent time with recently. It wasn't the gift of prophecy or anything but it was still very irritating.

"Oooo nice job Lils. I hadn't thought of that. It's the youngest McKinnon right? I remember reading her file before Harry was born. Oh Merlin… don't they all have that hair?"

James gestured wildly with his arms pointing up and out from his head to illustrate the signature McKinnon hair. Sirius rolled his eyes.

"You lot are the worst. Yes, she has that hair. It's where she keeps her personality, I think. I like it…"

"You like her hair, or her personality?"

"Both. Uggghhh...I should have just stayed home. This crisis is dumb."

"Well we thought you'd be here with a crisis over your conflicted feelings regarding your brother. But we can handle crises of all sorts."

"Marlene beat you to the punch there. She was present when McGonagall gave me the news. Then she showed up at my flat and was… there."

"There? You slept with her already?"

"No! Well… not like that. She did sleep in my bed but it was entirely chaste and only because I was pathetic and didn't want to be alone."

He was really embarrassed to admit that and couldn't look either of the Potters in the eye while he mumbled out his explanation, but he thought the truth was better than letting James run with his previous assumption.

"You know… that's even worse. You're a total goner. Don't bother resisting. It's pointless."

"James you're making love sound like a terminal disease. Stop it! She must care quite a lot about Sirius, to stay with him like that."

"For some reason she appears to…"

Sirius shook his head and leaned back into the Potters' sofa. He thought "terminal disease" described the whole situation pretty well.