Lagertha was coiled in the couch, nonchalantly reading a book about the use of spears and shields during the middle ages, while savoring a bowl of hot pumpkin soup Aslaug had prepared. She wondered when Ragnar would come back from Floki and Helga's flat. Helga. She missed Helga. Helga was kind and joyful. Helga was generous and strong. Helga endured life like a fighter and no matter what was thrown in her way, she got up without a sweat, smiling. Lagertha admired that. Lagertha admired strong women.
Aslaug sat on the couch beside her, scrolling her expensive phone – a gift from her parents – and drinking soup from her mug. Lagertha smiled. Aslaug was strong too, although, perhaps less than Helga. Aslaug was that beautiful teacup, delicate and cherished, used and weakened. Lagertha suddenly thought of those broken teacups in Japan, fixed with gold. If Aslaug repaired herself with that gold, Lagertha had no doubt she would be a most amazing woman.
"I got a text from Rollo." Lagertha said.
"Oh? What does he says?"
"He's in a pub to celebrate." she said with a wide grin.
"Celebrate what?"
"His new job. Rollo is now a self-defense teacher." Lagertha declaimed with pride.
Aslaug gave a small warm smile. "Good. I hope this'll distract him from Siggy's absence."
"I miss Siggy." Lagertha said.
"Me too. She was so elegant and glamourous. Always wearing high heels. And that make-up she wore! Have you seen woman this beautiful? She was so bright and cunning too! God! I miss her!"
"We should organize a feast some day. A party. Just us, Siggy, Helga, You and me."
"I'll let us use my parents' chalet in Northern Sweden." Aslaug said. "And I'll pay for most of the things."
Lagertha smiled and gave a pat on Aslaug's hip. "You generous woman, you!"
Aslaug laughed. "For my friends? Always."
"We could invite Kwenthrith too..." Lagertha said. "I like her. She seems fun."
"And broken." Aslaug added. "There is something in the way she smiles... something sad."
"That's why I want to befriend her. I want to... fix her? Does that makes sense? I just... I want to help her." Lagertha said.
"I know. Like you helped me long ago." Aslaug smiled tenderly.
"You still need fixing." Lagertha noted. "But on that path, you must be alone for your strength to fully increase. Nothing's free."
"I am afraid this will be a long, long, journey." Aslaug sighed. "Hey! Look at that! Kwenthrith posted a pic of her flatmates on Insta."
Lagertha looked at the screen and gave a smile. "Wow! She lives with two fine girls! That one's so fashionable and elegant. What's her name?" she said, scrolling on Aslaug's screen towards the description. "Gisla! French in trench." she read. "Kwen has the sense of humor."
"And a great fashion sense. Look at the clothes they are wearing. Oh that Judith is just so pretty in pastel clothing. Look at her hairdo, though, so delicate and elaborate!" Aslaug noted.
"Gisla's jawline is something..." Lagertha said. "She look so fierce in this pic."
"Or annoyed." Aslaug shrugged. "I think I saw her once already... but where was it?"
"The ERASMUS welcome party? I think she was outside the pub, if my memory is correct..." pondered Lagertha.
"Oh... Yes, I see now." Aslaug said. "Maybe she'll come to the Halloween party..."
"That'd be nice to have some girls around. You know, to counterbalance the great amount of friends Ragnar wil bring with him. That sociable dude!"
"There'll always be Helga and Kwen..." Aslaug said. "And maybe Ragnar has met some girls. He told me yesterday he will bring some friends from his class, there may be girls in the group."
"Are you sure the girls are his friends?" Lagertha said.
"What?"
"Are you sure he is not cheating on you? He did this to me once, with you. I still haven't found the generosity to forgive him in spite of the love I still feel towards him. Are you sure he is still in love with you?"
"No. But I am weary of doubts. I choose to trust him and love him. He is a good man. I know he is a good man. He does not show it often but he is loving and caring."
"I know."
"It is I, the problem. I am not as tough as you are. I am not as bright as you are. I am not as lovable as you are." Aslaug said with a sad smile.
"One day, you will stop comparing yourself to me. It annoys me when you do it." Lagertha said, brows furrowed.
"Oh I know that. I know that I can be no one else but myself, but still... I am envious. I wish I was loved and respected like you. I wish I had the strength to take my destiny in my own hands. I wish I could seize what I want and not feel shamed by my actions. I wish I was respected for who I am and not belittled because I am not you." Aslaug said, the words pouring out her mouth like an unstoppable stream. "I wish I had the strength to leave Ragnar but I know my heart would ache from this loss. I love him and it feels like a cage. Because his heart will never belong to me, no matter the fact that I am his girlfriend."
"He loves you." Lagertha said.
"Do you really believe that? Can't you see his sudden change of expression when he is with you?" Aslaug said, hiding bitterness behind a smile.
Lagertha tried to object to that, but the words lost themselves in her throat. Yes, Aslaug was right. Yes, she saw this change.
"Why does he stay with me anyway? He could break up, but no, he doesn't. Why?"
"Appearances." Lagertha said. "Ragnar is fond of appearances. That is why he left me for you. You are much slender and much elegant than me. Not to mention your parents are rich."
Aslaug scoffed. "So I am the trophy wife."
Lagertha did not answer and sipped her soup. A shiver of warmth ran down her spine as she did so. Aslaug was a good soup cooker. A bit of spice, a bit of love and there it was; heaven in a bowl. Too bad it was the only thing she ever learned how to cook.
"He loves you." Aslaug said, calmly, a simple observation. "I know he still loves you. Why aren't you with him anymore?"
"I love him too." Lagertha confessed. "I love him how only I can love him, but I do not like him anymore. That is the difference. I broke up with him because our ambitions could not be achieved together."
"So you took destiny in your own hands. So you chose freedom."
"I chose myself, here's the difference." Lagertha said. "Ragnar's ambition did not lie where mine was. He is ambitious; I am too. I want to publish that book. And I want to be in charge of something... an embassy, perhaps... or an army. Yes... I would love to lead an army."
Aslaug gave a smile. "So ambition drove you apart?"
"And lack of likeness. You know, when you grow to know a person, you see their flaws and everything that might irritate you. He irritated me and you did too." Aslaug suddenly seemed hurt and lowered her eyes. Lagertha gave a smile and took her hand. "But this was at the beginning of your relationship. Now that I know you, it is different."
Aslaug gave a sigh of relief and smiled. "I really thought you hated me."
"I have grown used to you, M'Aslaug. And I do not regret losing boyfriend and hate, for I have found friendship in the process."
"I am glad you are my friend, Lags. You are one of the best woman I have ever met."
"I know." Lagertha smiled.
"Do you still like me, even if I am flawed and broken?" Aslaug asked with a sly smile.
"That is what makes you beautiful to my eyes." Lagertha said with a wink. "That is what makes you strong. And I love strong women."
Aslaug grinned and sipped her soup, content with what she was given; friendship and respect. Lagertha respected her and considered her as strong enough to seize what she wanted. It was enough to give her wings and she almost felt as though she could do the things Lagertha spoke of.
"Are you ambitious?" Lagertha said.
"Hm?" Aslaug turned her head to her, fingers coiles around her large mug. "What?"
"Are you ambitious?"
Aslaug turned away and looked at the kitchen, for a moment, lost in her thoughts. She smiled and whispered "Yes."
"What is your ambition?"
"I want to own a house I would have bought with my own money. I want to stare at the window and see snow fall as the sky turns pink and green. I want a dog, or two and I want to pet them, curled into my bed, warmed by fire and heavy blankets while it is raining outside and thunder roars. I want a car too; not expensive, but not cheap. And I want to smell something cook in the kitchen while I read a book, wrapped around my thick covers. I want to be content with myself and be free of those insecurities of mine." Aslaug said. "Happiness is my ambition."
"That is a beautiful picture. Vivid."
"Happiness is bright, not dull."
"I agree."
"Editing your book also makes me happy." Aslaug noted. "And I have been given a taste in reading your words. I think the world needs more of female writers. I think I will become an editor. And perhaps... no, this is too much... this is cheesy..."
"What?" Lagertha said, intrigued by Aslaug's sudden hesitation.
"Don't you ever tell anyone – but Helga – I said this to you!" Aslaug warned.
"Helga knows that secret?" Lagertha asked.
"Yes. And Siggy. I told them when we were at that tea house, in Copenhagen." Aslaug said, suddenly blushing.
"Well, tell me!"
"I want to create a publishing house for romance novels." Aslaug quietly said.
"What? I did not hear."
Aslaug breathed out and inhaled, gathering strength to say it again. "I want to create a publishing house for romance novels."
"Publish? ROMANCE? You?" Lagertha exclaimed.
"I know it was ridiculous of me to have brought that. It is not even a good literature! I knew it was ridiculous!"
"What did Siggy and Helga say about that?" Lagertha asked.
"Helga loves romance novels. I know she loves them dark and without concessions. She was supportive provided I do not publish stupid romances. And Siggy, well... Siggy told me to call her if I ever had lawsuit problems. She is a lawyer so..."
"They were supportive." Lagertha said.
"They were." Aslaug said.
"Well... If that can pay for your vision, then, it is good." Lagertha shrugged.
"Yes. It will be good." Aslaug said, tenderly smiling. "It will be good."
"You're going to build an empire from scratch." Lagertha noted.
"And be staking rich." Aslaug added. "I like the sound of that. That is my ambition; recognition and respect."
"I know why Ragnar is with you." Lagertha smiled.
"Why?" Aslaug asked, intrigued.
"You share the same dreams. But you must choose yourself. Do not break yourself. Set you free from the cage."
"Time will tell, Lags. I trust my future. It is not the journey that matters, but how you live it and what you learn from it." Aslaug said with a calm confidence.
Lagertha smiled. "You are so wise sometimes."
"Thank you."
And silence fell in the living room, broken by the sounds of the outside world. In this cocoon of intimacy, there was peace and content. And both women were reminded of the reasons behind their friendship; understanding and trust. Something a man could hardly break.
Aethelwulf was drunk already. First sign of his drunk state was that he listed all the reasons to hate himself. One, there was his name. Who the hell would name his son Aethelwulf? He knew his father was fond of Saxon names and Saxon History – not to mention the fact that his father claimed to be descended of a pure Saxon line. Was this enough a reason to call him that? His family was way too proud of their line and what they had achieved; rising to the rank of a lord without the title through success and wealth. Now, his grandfather worked at the House of Lords and his cousins tried politics in the Conservative party. His family was rich, famous and – as his father claimed – descended from the first kings of England.
So there was his name. Then? The way he treated his Judith, the tender and joyful Judith. Judith the diamond. And then? The lack of successes in his life. The way his father looked at him, disappointed he did not try politics. His face... so average. There was nothing exceptional about him. He was doomed to end, drowned in mediocrity. His father will loathe him for the rest of his days. His father he had always tried to make proud and never could. His father who despised him because he took his French wife away with his birth. Aethelwulf killed his mother.
He gulped a large part of his Guiness. He killed his mother. He started sobbing. He killed the only woman who could have loved him unconditionally. He was alone, loveless. He had no friends. He had no father. He had no future. He was nothing. If only he could drown in his Guiness.
A man sat beside him and ordered a large pint of ale.
"The strongest you have." he said. "And none of that English piss you gave me last Saturday."
Aethelwulf turned his head to the man. Tall, muscular, his face bore a brown beard finely trimmed with a casual manly way. His brown hair was tied into a bun and he looked exhausted. He put his phone out of his jean's pocket and scrolled it with a tired face.
"Ragnar..." he sighed.
Then, he gave a smile and shook his head. And as he read something, his smile faded and he was grim. Grim as Aethelwulf was grim. The kind of 'done with life' grim. Like Aethelwulf, the man was sad.
"Rough day?" Aethelwulf asked.
"Rough year." the man answered.
"Tell me about it." Aethelwulf sighed, drinking from his glass.
"First of the day?" the man asked, eyeing the Guiness.
"Second. First one, I finished it already."
"Name's Rollo. Yours?"
"Aethewulf." he said, blushing out of shame at his name.
"Not very common." Rollo noted.
"My father has weird tastes." Aethelwulf said, playing a smile.
Rollo returned the smile and frowned at his phone screen. His teeth were clenched; so clenched it showed on his face. He closed his eyes not to give his anger away but when he opened them again, they were filled with an infinite sadness; as if he was grieving something.
"Problem?" Aethelwulf said, glancing at the phone.
"Yes. My... umh... girlfriend and I have issues." Rollo confessed as the bartender brought him his ale.
"I know the struggle. Wanna share?"
"Not really." Rollo said, sipping his ale. "Actually, maybe sharing would help." he said after he gulped a quarter of his pint. "How would you do if your girlfriend whom you were with for years suddenly stopped answering your texts, moved to another country to build her own life and told you not to join her? How would you react if all her instagram pics were with her boss, enjoying wine and fine food? How would you react if her boss was older, more experienced and rich as heck? And how would you react if you sometimes stopped thinking about her and thinking about another girl?"
Aethelwulf gave a sad chuckle and drank. "I'd bloody loathe myself."
"Yes." Rollo said. "I feel like cheating on her."
"But she is cheating on you."
"No. Well... I do not know... I just... I suppose she does that and it makes me sick but at the same time I am doing the exact same to her and I cannot even bear it. I wish I would drown in this ale."
"The feeling's shared."
"Why?" Rollo asked. "What are your reasons to loathe yourself?"
"The list's bloody long." Aethelwulf sighed. "My name, firstly." he smiled. "Then, there is myself as a whole."
"I shared." Rollo said. "Your turn now."
"I am a dick to a woman I love. And I cannot control my bursts of anger on her. I am afraid she might left me and that I will end up alone. So I hurt her. And I loathe myself because she is a wonderful woman. And there is also my father. He does not love me and never will and I feel like a failure because I will never reach his expectations. He will always hate me. I believe he wished he never had a son." Aethelwulf said. "I am a bad person. There's this rotten thing inside of me, gloomy and foul who wishes to see me drown in it's gooy abyss. I am... I wish I never existed."
Rollo sighed and for a moment, he sipped his ale in silence.
"I know how it feels." he finally said. "You and I... we are alike in a way."
"Your issues must not be as hurtful as mines. At least, your parents..."
"Don't like me. Because I am not successful, am a school dropout, fought in the streets, ended up at the police station more than once, am an eternal deceit and will never do anything of my life. I will end dying under a bridge and my parents will cheer as I will." Rollo said with an angered bitterness.
Silenced, Aethewulf stared at his Guiness for a moment. "Sorry." he said.
"Don't be. It is all my fault. But thankfully my brother does not think that of me. My brother loves me in spite of my jealousy. He allowed me to come here with him for me not to end up alone with my parents. Actually, when I said I was going with him, he smiled so widely I thought his mouth would spread through the entire world." Rollo smiled recalling that afternoon. Ragnar... Ragnar always made him feel somewhat better about himself, counterbalancing the feeling of inferiority his parents gave him when they compared them both.
"Your brother comes from..."
"Denmark." Rollo said. "We came here, him, me, a friend and his Swedish girlfriend thanks to the ERASMUS program."
"A Dane." Aethelwulf smiled thinking of the irony the picture of a Saxon kings' descendant and a Dane sitting in a Celtic pub, drinking beer. If only he could tell his father.
"And you are English, from your accent." Rollo deduced.
"That, I am!" Aethelwulf said. "I am not particularly proud of being English but I do love England."
"Are you from the North or South?" Rollo asked.
"My father votes Conservative." Aethelwulf said. "That gives you an idea of where I am from."
"I am afraid I am not that cultured."
"South. Near Oxford."
Rollo nodded. "We should hang out sometimes..."
"Yes. I could use a drinking buddy." he smiled.
"You'd be wasted way before I would." Rollo joked.
"Then you'd drive me home."
"I do not own a car. And my bike is in Denmark."
"Shit."
"Yeah, shit."
"You have a job?"
"Yes. I am a self-defense teacher. I signed my contract today."
"Then, we should celebrate!"
"And keep drinking our self-loathing away. Maybe if we are drunk enough it will die."
"Then, I'll need another Guiness." Aethelwulf said looking at his empty pint.
Rollo rose his pint at the declaration and kept drinking. As the third Guiness arrived, Rollo ordered another pint of ale. And both men drank, talked, joked, wept. It was odd finding friendship through alcohol and yet, it was perhaps the strongest of friendship for two men who highly despised themselves. At one point, they started singing old love songs and as Aethelwulf talked, Rollo realized how cultured he was. Aethelwulf had a taste for literature, especially for romanticism writers. While Rollo's tastes were aimed at poetry and old sagas.
"The conversations we could have," Rollo thought.
Anger slept in both of them and awakened, it screamed, raged and wept. Bitterness was what they shared; bitterness at life and self-loathing. Two broken men in a pub, drinking and weeping, what a peculiar scene.
After an hour or two, Aethelwulf was drunk enough not to be able to walk anymore and almost fell asleep on the bar. Rollo sighed and rolled his eyes.
"Young people." he sighed with a drunken voice. "A few pints and they fall asleep. Hey!" he shook Aethelwulf to wake him up. "Aethelwulf, wake up!"
"Let me sleep! I live here now."
"Wake up. We need to get back ho... home."
"I live here! Ian! Tell him I live here."
"He does not live here." the bartender – Ian – said.
"I live here! Look! There's even a pillow!"
"That's your scarf." Rollo said.
"But I want to live here! I do no want to go back home with Ju... Judith... ah... no... I live alone. I live alone." and he started laughing, and sobbing at the same time. "I am so alone. Ian, why can't I live here?"
"Because you'd be alone too." Ian said.
"Then I want to live with Rollo!"
"No."
"I need to see Judith. I need to apologize." Aethelwulf said.
"Aethelwulf, you are drunk." Rollo sighed.
"Really? I must see Judith."
"Can you walk him home?" Ian asked Rollo.
"I'll try." Rollo said. Then, he hoisted Aethelwulf on his shoulder to help him walk.
"Nooooooo... My Guinesss..." Aethelwulf whined.
But Rollo was stronger and Aethelwulf's willpower, weaker. And Rollo carried him to the exit and the cold air of the evening, sharp and invigorating. Aethelwulf howled as the cold bit him and Rollo shivered.
"Tell me where I must carry you." Rollo said.
"It's there!" Aethelwulf said, pointing at a red door.
"Alright, got the keys?" Rollo asked.
"No. Must ring the bell."
He tottered to the door-ring and pressed the button, holding on the walls not to fall. Rollo stepped away, carefully watching his newfound friend like a she-wolf would watch over its cub. The house was pretty, large and yet not as expensive as he first suspected at the sight of the red door. It was average, but there must be more than two people living in it to pay the rent. But even if three people lived in it, he had doubt they could pay it. What kind of students could afford such a house? Certainly not normal ones. There was three rooms at his place and they were four to pay the rent. Not to mention it was located far from downtown Dublin, in an area where the rents were not that expensive.
The door opened to a woman, tall and slender, whose face was pale, eyes, blue and hair, black and long. The woman was well dressed from what Rollo knew of fashion. She casually lay on the wall and stared at Aethelwulf before she looked at Rollo. She frowned.
"Judiiiiiiith..." Aethelwulf said.
"Lort!" Rollo spat. "Aethewulf..."
"I need to see Judith. I need apologize." Aethelwulf whined.
Rollo sighed. "Pik ansjos! Aethewulf stop, you're drunk." Rollo walked to Aethelwulf to carry him elsewhere. Ending up at the girlfriend's house was everything but what he has planned.
"You are not going to see Judith tonight." the woman said. "She is already sleeping and I do not desire you to disturb her peace." she gave a playful grin. "But you can sleep in my bed, if that is any consolation. And your friend is welcome, of course." she winked at Rollo, who grinned back.
"No. I must see Judith. I must tell her that I love her."
"Stop being so loud! You're going to awake my housemates!"
"Judiiiiiith!"
"You'll see her tomorrow." Rollo said.
"No! I must see her now. Tomorrow I will not be drunk. I must see her now." he insisted.
"Go to sleep." Kwenthrith said. "In my bed or yours, but go to sleep."
"I am faithful to my girlfriend..."
"Kwenthrith."
"... Kwenthrith. What the bloody hell is that name?" Aethelwulf asked, outraged.
"Is that... Aethelwulf, who is asking me this?." Kwenthrith sassed, rising an eyebrow.
Rollo chuckled and Aethelwulf grinned.
"Fair enough." he said.
"Aethelwulf, go to sleep. For Judith's sake and yours." Rollo said.
"But..."
"I'll tell her you came by tonight. And I'll tell her you came with good intentions. Now leave." Kwenthrith said.
"But..."
"Very well, then enter, and sleep in my bed! That is the only condition for you to come in tonight!" Kwenthrith said, angrier.
"No. I will get back home..."
"At last! A good decision!" Kwenthrith voiced.
"I'll take him back to his home."
Kwenthrith looked at him. "Good. Stay safe, both of you. Two handsome men as you are... would be a shame if anything happened to you."
Rollo chuckled. "I am a self-defense teacher. I can handle myself. And him."
Kwenthrith smiled. "Good night."
"Good night."
And she hastily closed the door before Gisla, who she heard open her bedroom door arrived in the entrance of the house.
"Who was it?" she asked with a sleepy voice.
"Aethelwulf and a friend of his." Kwenthrith answered. "I sent him back to his flat. There is no worry to have. I am sorry I woke you up."
"That's alright. I wasn't really sleeping anyway."
"Then go to sleep. Otherwise, your beauty will turn dull." Kwenthrith said with a wink.
Gisla smiled and returned to her room. Kwenthrith looked at her for a moment, then the door; and with a smile, she locked it and went to sleep in her large bed. As she closed her eyes, she saw Aethelwulf. A handsome man, he was. A broken one too. She liked him. Maybe it would be good to have some friends here. She already considered Judith and Gisla as somewhat her friends but she knew that there was not much of affection between them. Then, there was Lagertha and Aslaug, those two beauties she had a crush on. But having some men friends... that was something she truly longed for. It seemed simpler with them; less deep and less likely to hurt her as she would reveal her sexual orientation. How many friendships had she broken confessing she loved women? Too many. And even so, a doubt was still there, deep inside, that she might actually not be entirely what she said she was. Who was she after all? She had a lifetime to think about it.
And she fell asleep, lost in all the tergiversations of the mind.
Rollo stretched, relieved Aethelwulf was finally home after an hour of him crying and shouting for Judith. He even begged for a punch which Rollo denied to him. But the man loved hurting himself and Rollo had seen him banging his head against walls more than once on the road to his flat. He bled when he came home and Rollo had to patch his wounds.
Rollo looked at the window from the street. There was no light and all was silent. He sighed and began to walk back home – no bus at this hour; it was the only option he had. He was quite drunk and now, all he wanted was his bed, a book and another bottle of ale to finish his sorrow.
A buzzing sound in his jean pocket drew him out of his thoughts. He took the phone in one hand and opened his inbox as he walked. A text.
From Siggy.
His heart suddenly leaped in his chest and he started grinning. But his good mood fell as soon as he read the following words; and another reason added to the formers for him to drink.
Aslaug invited me for the Halloween party and I decided to come. I have something to tell you and we must talk then. Norway's fine, although the weather is colder than in Denmark and I am well. I wish you all the success for your new job. Vi ses snart. Bye.
"So much for a text." Rollo said.
And then, he started weeping, thinking of everything he had ever done wrong in his life, wishing to be ran over by a car, howling Siggy's name.
Ehm... This was supposed to be shorter... BUT I COULDN'T HELP IT! And it was supposed to be updated in a year... BUT I LIED! Hope you'll like it!
