AN; Might be what some of you were waiting for ;) And thank you Grey's Anatomy for making me age 5 years with that last episode, geez. Another long one so plan accordingly. Don't be upset some of you; it'll all be okay...eventually lol.
Lyrics by Travie McCoy's 'Need You.'
I know it's not your fault, but I'm a locked door.
"So, New York."
"Yeah," Penny sighed. "New York."
Callie twiddled her thumbs behind her head. It didn't get awkward til…now. It actually should've been weirder, since they were both naked on the floor of her room. She had no other excuse except that she really, really, loved morning sex.
And Penny had won the Preminger Grant, and she was proud of her. She really was. It was a great opportunity and to be a resident and to get that chance was once in a lifetime.
But it was still weird, because it was in New York. And Callie was in Seattle. Along with the rest of her fucking life.
"That's," she licked her lips, "that's great. I'm proud of you."
Penny smiled, "Thanks, I just decided last minute to apply. I honestly didn't think I would get it."
The brunette nudged her with an elbow, "Don't sell yourself short."
"They're giving me a deadline to accept."
Callie snorted, rolling onto her side, "Why wouldn't you accept it?"
Penny mimicked her move, resting her head in her hand, "Well…it's a big change. I'd be…moving."
"Yee-ahh." Duh.
"I've made some friends here, and nobody treats me like the plague anymore. Plus Grey-Sloan's still the best teaching hospital. And you're here."
"I am – here."
"You are…unless you don't want to be."
She had known this was coming. Of course it was kind of out of left field in a way. Like Penny said, she wasn't planning on applying, and surely didn't think she would win. But hearing those words that she won, and knowing what the grant entailed, it left a weird feeling in her stomach. Because she knew what the next step was.
Callie sighed, "Penny, I'm not going to ask you to stay. I can't."
"Why not?" the redhead insisted.
"Because – it's a great opportunity for you. You can't just let shit like this go by. You're still a resident, you have to grab your career with both hands. Always."
"So you want me to go?"
"I want you to do what's best for you. I want the best for you and I think this could really be something you'd rock at."
It kind of surprised her in the…honesty that she felt. Callie really did want what was best for her girlfriend, although they had hit that rocky patch. She had been better. Let go, so to speak. It didn't surprise her. Right when she was balancing out, something came out of nowhere, throwing a wrench into her plan for emotional stabilization.
"Where does that leave us though?"
Callie sat up, running a hand through her hair, "I – I don't know. My life is here. I own a hospital. I have a daughter. I have a lot of things that keep me here."
"So…if I asked you to go with me…you'd say no?"
She didn't want to laugh. But, really? Even though she knew her feelings were true, although confusing at one point, she knew that she cared deeply for Penny. They had a lot of good times and she learned a lot from their time together. It was a give and take, and Callie had done a lot of taking in the process. She took control when it wasn't her right, and Penny had taken it back when necessary. It was kind of odd, learning things about herself from someone younger than her.
The resident had definitely known when to put Callie in her place; when to call her out when she was wrong. She made her look at things in a different light.
Maybe it was the perspective of someone new coming into her life. Or maybe she was different. Or better. Or smart enough now to recognize her faults.
It also made her realize she had a lot of issues. Issues that she still needed to work through. But could she work through them in New York? Could she uproot herself? She had been willing to once before in her life. But then she didn't.
The difference was she went in knowing it was for love. Was this love, too?
Running a finger through red locks, Callie smiled sadly.
"Please don't ask me."
And inside I'm a mess by someone before.
###
Sharing a bed with someone…it was a concept that was still foreign to her.
She had done it before. With Sofia, when the little girl had a bad dream or just wanted to be held by her mommy. She'd even shared a bed with April on those nights when the redhead was so broken and alone. As friends of course, with enough space separating them to make it seem like she was alone though.
It was still weird to her now, with Natalie spending the odd night or two at her house. Arizona always found herself waking up way earlier than her alarm, and she was always surprised to find that there was someone…there. Maybe she was used to being alone for so long in her big bed that just feeling someone there with her woke her from her sleep.
The blonde propped her head in her hand. It didn't feel as weird now as it did in the beginning. It was comforting and…safe. She smirked softly. It was alluring, as well. Natalie was on her stomach, hugging the pillow closely to her cheek. Blue eyes wandered over her relaxed face. Her subconscious patted her on the back. The brunette really was beautiful.
Pristine white sheets covered the middle of her back, leaving the rest of her bare. Natalie had her right leg hiked up, exposing those killer legs.
Arizona bit her bottom lip, weighing her options. Glancing at the clock on her phone made the decision. They had more than enough time.
She scooted closer, leaving lazy kisses starting at the base of her neck. She had gotten down to the middle before Natalie began to stir. The other woman groaned euphorically before chuckling.
"I thought I was still dreaming."
"You might be," Arizona replied slowly, trailing her tongue down a quivering spine.
"Ei – either way it was k-kind of like this."
Shifting until she was sitting flush against a firm back, Arizona leaned over a shoulder. "What happened next?"
Natalie carefully turned around, meeting a sexily raised eyebrow. "I think you know."
Arizona shrugged, leaning closer, "Was it…this?" She dipped a pink tongue into the brunette's waiting mouth. Natalie ran her hands through blonde hair, angling her head to get as much as she could. One thing she realized though was that it was almost never enough.
"Something like this," Natalie sighed, looking up into ridiculously blue eyes that she saw grow a shade darker.
Arizona hummed, shifting lower. She took a nipple into her mouth, sucking softly while palming the other. She felt Natalie's other nipple harden under her touch. It thrilled her. She switched off, giving each breast the attention it deserved.
The blonde left open mouth kisses down her flat stomach, nibbling on defined hip bones.
"Lower. Go lower," Natalie moaned, scratching her scalp. The brunette had shifted onto her elbow, begging her with her eyes.
Arizona rubbed her hands over smooth thighs, her mouth always going almost where it was supposed to. She kissed higher up and bit down. Hard.
Natalie hissed, dropping her head between her shoulders. "Arizona," she gritted through her teeth. A muscular thigh quivered against her cheek.
The blonde smirked, watching the pain and pleasure wash over her exquisite features.
She wrapped her hands around those same thighs, eyeing her next objective.
"Like this," Natalie whispered, "It was definitely like this." Arizona started from the bottom, licking up her slit, separating her folds. She twirled her tongue around a clit before wrapping her lips around snugly before sucking. Natalie moaned, painfully arching her back. Arizona held one thigh tighter, her other hand reaching up and pinching a hard nipple.
The blonde hummed, letting her clit go with a pop and pushing the tip of her tongue into her slit. She poked in and out before making a firm swipe up, collecting a downpour of juices. Natalie was gripped hair even tighter and moving her hips desperately to the rhythm.
She went back to drawing tight circles around a now swollen clit, the sounds of praise coming from the head of the bed making her legitimately wet.
"Oh g-god, Arizona, I'm – I'm gonna – fuck!"
Arizona hummed encouragingly one more time before Natalie gasped in euphoria, her body jerking as the blonde caressed her with her tongue, slowly bringing her back down to earth. Arizona took one more swipe before hoisting herself higher, rubbing her own heat against the woman under her.
She moaned, finally feeling relief downstairs. She held herself up with both hands and began moving slowly, knowing the brunette was still sensitive. Natalie gripped a hip with one hand and grabbed the pillow next to her head to prop the blonde's stump.
Arizona laughed breathlessly, her pace quickening, "Did you like that?"
"What do you think?" Natalie's nails were digging into her ass in the best way, causing her to move faster. The blonde dropped to her elbows and thrusted her tongue back into her mouth. Both moaned as their sweaty bodies moved effortlessly.
Natalie gripped her thigh before flipping them over. She kneeled over the blonde, spreading both of their folds. Arizona gasped as Natalie lowered herself over her and began moving.
"You feel so good," Natalie murmured, licking the shell of her ear. She laced a pale hand in her own. "You're gonna make me cum again."
Arizona groaned, "Faster, please. G-go faster" Natalie rolled her slick hips faster. She took the blonde's bottom lip between her teeth and bit down.
The tingling feeling that had been in her body a few minutes ago suddenly erupted. She arched her back, the pain serving as a catalyst that spiraled her into one strong orgasm.
"Fuck! Don't stop!"
"Ugh – oh my god," Natalie moaned, following through with her second orgasm of the morning. They continued to move their hips, prolonging the earth shattering feeling for as long as possible. It was mind-numbing.
Finally their hips stilled, the ringing in their ears subsiding.
The brunette rolled off, tipping onto her back. Emerald and cerulean eyes stared up at the ceiling, catching their breath.
Natalie cleared her throat, "This was much better than the dream."
Arizona chuckled hoarsely, "I'd be offended if it wasn't."
Two pairs of eyes continued watching the ceiling fan. That peaceful silence descended on them. That feeling of not needing to say anything at all. Arizona liked those moments. She used to be chatty, and a part of her still absolutely was. But she had found silence to be a necessary part of her day. She didn't have to say anything and everything, all the time.
They could just…be.
Natalie flipped onto her side, "I have a question."
The blonde rolled her head to face the other woman, smirking, "I have an answer."
"What's the story behind the Heelys?"
Arizona groaned playfully, covering her eyes, "Let me guess. Shepherd?"
Natalie chuckled, "She mentioned it in passing, and then Dr. Webber said something too in surgery the other day. Did you really used to roll around in those?"
"Yeah. I did. And it was awesome."
"Why'd you stop?"
Arizona rolled her eyes, "I thought it was obvious."
"I'm sure it's not easy by any means, but it's not impossible. Did you ever try?"
She licked her lips, "Yeah, I did. For a little while, and then I just…stopped I guess. And then I started my fellowship and never really found a reason to try again."
The brunette grinned, "I wish I could've seen that."
"Yeah…" Arizona trailed, smiling, "everyone used to tease and give me funny looks. But you should've seen the kids' faces when I'd roll into their room with them on. It was like they were kids again, without the hospital beds or the pain, or without seeing their parents worried sick. It was worth it. Plus I was pretty good, I only managed to fall like once a month."
She watched in amusement as Natalie burst out into a full-bellied laugh. It made her laugh too. It was funny talking about herself like that. It was like she was talking about someone else. Like a long lost friend or something. Memories were ironic like that.
"That does sound like it was worth it," Natalie bit her lip. "Do you miss it?"
"Every day," she answered simply. Heelys weren't a big hit with the fetal crowd, but she did miss the way it made her feel. Rolling through the halls, fresh out of surgery, the wind in her hair. It wasn't a big deal, but it helped make her who she was back then. Maybe who she still was sometimes.
"Can I help you try again?" the brunette asked delicately. "I mean, only if you want me to. You just…you got this look on your face just then, like it really meant something. It didn't just make the kids happy, it made you happy."
It did mean something. Something so little made her heart swell.
"Okay."
"Really?"
Arizona grinned.
"Yeah."
Let me open up and start again.
###
"What does that even mean?"
She turned slowly. "Exactly what I said."
"But how can you tell someone not to ask you something. How did you know she was going to?"
Callie shot her friend a look, "Stop. She was definitely going to ask me."
"And then what did she say?" Meredith asked, taking a sip from her hot beverage.
The brunette broke off a part of the pound cake she had just bought, "Nothing. I pretty much hopped up off the floor and into the shower."
Meredith quirked an eyebrow, "You seem pretty blasé for having your girlfriend taking a job across the country." She honestly liked Penny. It took her awhile, but the resident was a good doctor, and from what she'd seen, a good person too.
It might have taken the brunette some time to let go of her issues, but she didn't really seem fazed.
Callie shrugged, "It's not that I'm not sad or anything. It sucks, I like her. But I can't do that, move to New York. I'm the head of my department, run this hospital, my life's here. Maybe if I was younger and didn't have Sofia."
"Or Arizona?"
"I don't have Arizona – not anymore. And I'm not going to put all of us through back and forth trips. That's – just no, I'm not doing it."
Meredith shivered, "Could you imagine? Who would have her full time? And there's all those plane rides and holidays…"
"We'd probably end of killing each other," Callie chuckled, checking her phone. Three missed calls and 5 texts from Penny.
"Well you can't take Sofia away from us."
"Um – why not?"
"Because we're her village. You can't just take her away to New York to be around stuck up rich kids at whatever fancy prep school you enroll her in."
"What makes you think I'm enrolling her in a snobby school?"
"Because it's New York City; they're all snobby."
"Whatever she's not going to turn into a brat."
Cross approached the pair, "Dr. Torres here's those CT scans and medical file you asked for from Seattle Pres about Dave Zink."
Callie rolled her eyes, "Thanks, it only took them all morning." Cross nodded awkwardly before scampering down the hall. "And why are we even talking about this? I'm not going anywhere."
Meredith smirked, "I'm just saying. If you're not going you should probably talk to Blake. Resident hearts are sensitive."
"Whatever," she grumbled, "I have to go check these out, see you later." She swung open the door to an x-ray exam room. Great.
Callie inwardly groaned, which was better than her usual response. Natalie swung her head in the direction of the sudden intrusion. There were several scans already taking up all but a couple lightboxes in the room and a patient file that looked like a phone book.
"Sorry, I didn't think anyone was in here. I'll just –"
"No it's fine. If you don't mind waiting a couple of minutes," the neurosurgeon replied.
"Okay…" Callie cleared her throat before closing the door softly. She had steered clear of the other woman since Mer's party. It was surprisingly easy, except for the occasional pass in the hallway or odd consult. She was painfully embarrassed at the situation that she had intentionally started. From what she had seen, there wasn't anything wrong with her. The only thing wrong was that she was, for lack of a better word, perfect.
Of course there's no such thing, Callie was sure she had a flaw somewhere. And she had been a grade A bitch, just because she was dating her ex-wife, who she still had deep, colossal feelings for. Maybe they would never truly go away, but over time she would just – learn to deal with it. Like PTSD. Arizona Robbins single handedly given her PTSD…out of all the other crappy things that had happened in her life.
So this was her putting her best foot forward. She scooted a little closer, her palms sweaty with her own patient's scans in her hand.
"Crap…is that a butterfly tumor?"
"Yep."
"And…you're operating?"
Natalie smiled, "Yeah, I think so. Usually if the edges are jagged it's pretty impossible…but the edges here – they're smooth, defined. I could probably resect the entire thing as long as I can keep within the margins."
Callie blew out a breath, "Wow." Walking up to the lightbox a little closer, she could see what the neurosurgeon was talking about. She wasn't a necessarily that into neuro, but her specialty did cross paths with it frequently. She knew tumors and this one was fatal.
"Everyone else gave him a year – at most."
"He either gets the rest of his life or he dies on the table," the ortho surgeon stated flatly.
Natalie nodded, "Yep. He's talking it over with his family but if he gives consent we'll operate probably tomorrow – maybe even tonight."
Callie scratched her head, "Don't you need time to prep?" She wasn't trying to be a bitch, but usually with something like this there's a plan going in. Weeks of practicing and studying and then practicing again.
"I can't wait any longer," the other woman sighed. "I know what I have to do to remove it. There's no Plan B with this; I either get it or I don't and he dies anyway."
She really seemed fearless. Callie liked to thing she was as well when it came to her job. When you've been operating for long enough, you don't get as scared as you used to. Of course there's that nagging feeling in the back of your head where you're not sure if you're good enough but you tamp it down.
She took a moment to glance at her profile. Natalie's eyes were kind of hypnotic anyway, but now they were strangely bright. Like deranged, or psychotic. Only Callie didn't see it as crazy. It was a look that most surgeons had. That look and feeling when you're about to prove everyone else wrong and hand a human being their life back. There was no other feeling like it.
"You know you really remind me of Derek," Callie chuckled. "I swear he got aroused looking at hopeless cases." Her laugh trickled off, at the inappropriateness of the comment and the thought of her late friend.
But Natalie didn't seem to notice. One corner of her mouth curled into a small smirk.
"Yeah. He was something else…it's a shame. He wasn't uh – he wasn't done."
Callie sighed, "No he wasn't."
Natalie nodded solemnly before clearing her throat, "Anyways, I'll be out of your way." She plucked each scan off the boxes and neatly slid them back into their respective envelopes. Callie had to give it to the other woman…she was very good at acting like nothing was wrong. Or maybe she just didn't care. After all, Natalie wasn't the one who acted like a drunk babbling idiot.
She wasn't sure how to incorporate an apology into their very brief conversation, but she felt she had to do something here. It wouldn't matter either way. Things were still how they were and weren't looking to alter any time soon.
"Hey, umm," Callie started before sighing. "Good luck – although I don't think you need it."
Natalie gave her a grateful smile, "Thanks."
She nodded as the door closed. Callie let out a breath before clipping her own patient's scans to the now empty light boxes. This was good…she wished good luck to another fellow surgeon. She could do this. It actually wasn't as painful as she thought. She pulled the rest of her wrapped pound cake out of her pocket. She broke off another piece and chewed slowly. Wasn't a bad reward for not embarrassing herself…again.
The door swung open again. She glanced over her shoulder, expecting to see Natalie again, or even Meredith. She choked the buttery treat down. Some short hacking and coughing filled the silent room. The remaining piece of cake in her hand crushed.
"Please don't ask me? What the hell is that supposed to mean?!"
Callie sighed.
Reward over.
###
Blue eyes perused her lack of lunch selection. For some reason there was not a single appetizing thing in the hot meal section. She made a mental note to bring that up in the next board meeting. The jambalaya was resembling something she hadn't had to deal with since Sofia was in diapers. She huffed before grabbing a pre-packaged salad from the salad bar. After a brief thought she tossed another packet of ranch dressing onto her tray.
Amelia slammed her tray down next to her in line. "What's cookin' good lookin'?"
"Nothing appetizing," the blonde replied.
"Ew," Amelia gagged before grabbing a salad as well. "Makes me want to bring my lunch from home."
Arizona smirked, "Do you even know how to cook?" She grabbed an empty cup before filling it with ice and soda.
"Do you? You lit a toaster on fire trying to cook pop tarts your fourth year."
"That – that was a long time ago. The instructions were misleading. And I'll have you know that I do know how to cook. Just…not often."
"At least Natalie knows how to cook. She was telling me about this recipe for mushroom risotto. No wonder you're sleeping with her," Amelia commented, plucking a straw into her own to-go cup.
The cashier at the end of the line raised her eyebrows carefully before slowly handing Arizona back her change. The woman had no shame.
"Really?"
"What? It's not like everybody doesn't know," the brunette smirked before paying for her own meal.
Arizona scoffed, "Doesn't mean you have to just say things like that out of the blue." Amelia shrugged before picking up her own tray.
The two surveyed the room for an empty table and walked briskly towards one nestled on the outside next to a group of interns. It wasn't ideal, since they were currently in a competition of who could stuff the most tater tots into their stupid mouths, but Arizona didn't have the energy to look anywhere else.
"The future of medicine."
"Getting dumber every year."
The two women toasted their drinks before taking loud slurps. It was hard to believe that they were interns at one point. Arizona chewed thoughtfully – was she that immature during her internship? She supposed she couldn't blame them; they were probably operating on coffee and whatever they managed to get from the vending machine in the middle of their 48 hour shifts. Anything from the cafeteria was a 5 – star meal at that point.
"Has Deluca mentioned Maggie to you?"
"Uh – no, actually. He didn't tell me they stopped seeing each other, I heard about it during rounds with the other interns. Although –" the blonde tilted her head, "I haven't heard any sex noises…so I guess that should've been an indication."
"Maggie was so much more fun when they were sleeping together. Now she's all uptight again; talking about being empowered and not needing a man, blah blah."
"Well, he's still young," Arizona reasoned, glancing over at her roommate, "He'll figure it out eventually. He really is a sweet guy."
Despite his charming looks and good heart, the intern did have a lot to learn in the ladies' department. He didn't even know how good he was. And for someone who wasn't that fond of kids, him and Sofia were two peas in a pod.
"Geez, well why don't you just adopt him too," Amelia snickered.
Arizona glared, "I might."
"No way you heard that right."
"I'm serious! Torres is running off to New York with Blake."
"What about her little munchkin?"
"Taking her with them from what it sounded like. Her and Grey were talking earlier. I heard Grey say something about a fancy school."
She wasn't quite sure what happened here. It was like all the background noise just stopped, making the words of the sticky, smelly interns ring even louder in her head. Glancing up, she met Amelia's shocked expression. A greasy ball of worry formed in her stomach. It might have been the masticated lettuce and vegetables, but it really didn't matter. There was no thinking or logic. Only the rapid heartbeat in her chest.
The neurosurgeon must have sensed the blonde's destruction because in one swoop she was up and in the neighboring seat.
"Robbins, just…calm down. Don't listen to the ramblings of stupid interns." Amelia watched carefully at the series of emotions flipping behind cerulean eyes. It was one thing to hear rumors about yourself, or your relationship. But it was another when it involved your child. Moving away. Away from you.
"Just – just talk to Callie later and I'm sure this will all be one big misunderstanding."
A plastic fork snapped in half a second later. Amelia didn't see it coming.
The blonde stood up so fast her chair almost flipped over onto the linoleum floor. She took a moment to straighten her lab coat before briskly walking the few steps over to the next table.
Cross was stuffing greasy fries into his mouth when he felt a distinguished presence behind him.
"Dr. Cross?" He turned slowly and met the sweet smile of a very pissed off woman. The intern swallowed heavily.
"Hey," he cleared his throat, "Dr. Robbins. Having a good day?"
She giggled, "Just fine, thanks. Sorry to interrupt, but I couldn't help but overhear your conversation a second ago."
"We – we were ju – just, well I was just sayin –"
"I don't have the time or the patience for all the stuttering, Cross. I just want to know exactly how you stumbled upon that information and thought it smart or appropriate to share with your fellow chicks and ducks?"
"Um…what are chic –"
"That sounds more like a question than an answer," Arizona interrupted coolly. She loved interns, she really did. But this one…
"Answer the woman, Cross," Amelia piped up, finally making her way to the table.
Cross looked between the two attendings. Amelia was unamused. Arizona had the crazy eyes on full blast, but she was smiling. The creases that made up her dimples were deep and her smile was sincere. Like…she was going to sincerely kill him if he didn't answer the question.
"I was giving Dr. Torres the patient file she requested and I overheard Dr. Grey telling her that she couldn't take Sofia away to New York. Something about a village being here and holidays…a – and planes, or…something."
Hearing it again didn't make anything easier. Arizona thought that maybe if Cross repeated what he had overheard it wouldn't sound so bad. That the second time around would give her time to dissect and pin point where she overreacted. But it didn't happen. She was even more furious. And even more than that, she was scared.
Things had been a lot better since their last heart to heart. They weren't arguing, which was a big improvement. It was better. Which made this a lot worse. How could Callie be planning this and not tell her?
"Come on." Amelia's voice broke her trance and she felt a hand gently grab her elbow and steer her back to their table. The blonde paused and glanced back over her shoulder.
"Cross, you're on my shit list," she hissed. "And if I hear you breathe another word about it I'll make sure you don't see the inside of an OR til your balls finally drop."
Well alright then.
"Woah, put that potty mouth away," Amelia chuckled, forcing her to sit back down in her own chair. "Save it for the bedroom."
"This isn't funny. It's one thing for Callie to move away, but the fact that she's discussing taking our child with her, without even discussing anything with me is such bullshit, Amy."
"You don't even know if it's true. Talk to Callie first before getting your panties in a bunch." The brunette reached over and stabbed a tomato from Arizona's tray.
Arizona inhaled, "You're right. I need to talk to Callie and tell her that she can take her inconsiderate plans and shov –"
"Dr. Robbins," Deluca interrupted quietly.
"You need something Andrew?"
"Well I just wanted to tell you not to take anything Cross says seriously. He's…well he's kind of a moron."
"See," Amelia pointed, "listen to your son!"
Deluca shifted awkwardly in front of the table. He glanced at his roommate questioningly.
Arizona sighed, "She thinks that I should adopt you."
The intern blinked before clearing his throat, "Oh okay…but you're kind of – too hot to be my mom…with all due respect," he added.
The blonde pushed her tray away and rested her head on the table, muffling a groan.
Amelia grinned.
###
"Well? Are you going to at least explain yourself?"
Callie usually didn't have a problem talking about things. Some would say she said too much. Mark used to call it verbal diarrhea, a disease that he possessed as well. But she didn't know what to say. Scratch that. She did…but she didn't want to hurt anyone. She had done enough of that already.
"I'm sorry," the brunette sighed. "You deserve a lot more than an explanation or an apology – for everything. I don't want to hold you back from something you need to do…for yourself."
"Is this your way of saying that you…don't want to be with me anymore?"
"It's not that. We've been in a good place lately. I was better. But – I can't move, Penny. And I don't want you to give that up for me."
She was done being selfish, of only thinking about herself, and what she wanted. It was easy to go down that rabbit hole. After being hurt by people she loved for so long, it was almost a desperate need to do something for herself, to think of herself…what made her happy. Callie had been stuck in that place for a little too long. But one thing she'd come to terms with was that it wasn't all just her needs that brought happiness.
"I put you through so much, so early in our relationship. And it's not your fault. None of it was your fault. It was – my own issues and I didn't handle it the right away. And that's my fault. I never wanted to hurt you or make you feel like you weren't important. But the more I tried not to – and deal with it on my own, I just pushed you farther away."
Penny stood there helplessly, and Callie knew that one way or another, she was going to hurt this woman, no matter what she said.
The redhead inhaled deeply.
"Someone told me that if you really love someone, you find a way…you do something about it. This is me – doing something about it. This is me finding a way. I know you were going through some stuff, but I loved you enough to not give up, even if you didn't want to work through it together. But, I don't want to go to New York if I don't have you."
"You can't not go, Penny. Do you have any idea how many people who kill to be in your position right now? This grant doesn't just come around to just anybody, a resident at that."
Which left them at a standstill.
"Why don't you want me to ask you?" the resident asked simply.
"Because…I'm going to be sad thinking about you leaving, and then I'll consider moving because I don't want to lose you. And then I'll stop thinking. And I need to think, because I'm a mom."
"Do you think we could at least do long distance? My schedule's not going to be as crazy here, it's more fixed…we could take turns visiting each other."
The Latina sighed, "I…I honestly don't know. Maybe."
Penny blinked, "Do you want to make it work?"
Could they survive that? Sure it wasn't forever, but could they base their relationship off of phone calls and visits for an entire year? Things had just gotten good again, before everything happened. Was it worth it? Could that be enough?
"I don't know."
The redhead shuffled her feet. "Do you love me?"
"I – I do."
"Just – not enough," Penny stated. She didn't need to ask; she knew deep down that there was that one part of the brunette that she could never touch. That part Callie could never give her. But she couldn't help it…she just loved her enough to accept it.
Maybe that was her own fault, for getting in too deep with someone that wasn't digging down with her. But it was hard to not fall in love with this woman. Her beauty, kindness, talent…it was entrancing.
But this woman wasn't in. She wasn't going to go the distance; she was emotionally incapable right now. There was too much to figure out behind those brown eyes, and Penny wasn't the woman to sort it out with her. The young doctor realized she wasn't that one.
Callie didn't need to say anything; the truth was written all over her face.
"I'm sorry."
Penny smiled sadly, "Me too. So…I guess this is it? I'm going to go…and you'll just – stay here?"
As horrible as she felt; it was nice – handling something the right away.
Penny might never understand it, but Callie was done dragging other people down with her, especially people that she cared about. Penny deserved someone who loved her enough to walk through fire and Callie just…wasn't the person to do that. Maybe if the redhead stayed, perhaps she could get to that point. But that wasn't in the cards. That wasn't reality.
"You'll go to New York…and be happy. And I'll stay here…and be happy."
Callie's reality didn't look so dark anymore.
And when you know, you know.
