Late Fall 1981
"Uh... Why are you naked?"
Sirius had opened the door to the bedroom expecting to see Marlene already asleep in bed or perhaps still a duck. She spent a lot of time as a duck these days. It was one strategy she had for fending off the torrential downpour of pain that had hit as soon as the adrenaline of the trial wore off.
He had not expected that she'd be carelessly draped over a chair, reading some old book, completely starkers.
"Oh right sorry, I just had been a duck for a long time and I forgot the clothes part. It's easy to do. I'm sure you've done it." Marlene didn't even look up from the book.
"I have. But you're… still naked."
"You're looking at me."
He looked away quickly and hated himself a little for looking at her like that. She was hurting. She didn't want to be looked at like that.
"I'm sorry… I mean you're beautiful and I really was enjoying the view. But I know you're hurting. Everything went to complete hell over the course of only a few weeks. I understand that my ogling your naked bum isn't alright, for now."
"You wanted to marry me…" she wasn't reading her book any longer. She was just sort of staring despondent into the air.
"I do. I want to marry you."
"You're scared to touch me now. I can see it. I'm like the personification of grief."
"I'm not afraid to touch you. I really enjoy touching you. But you can't enjoy anything right now. I understand. You don't have to pretend for me."
She thought she wouldn't be capable of pretending anything anyway. The pain was overwhelming. Maybe it was unfair to Sirius. She was a totally different person before all of this. He didn't have to tie himself to someone who couldn't even handle staying in human form for a whole day.
"We don't have to get married. This isn't how it was supposed to be."
They'd lost everyone in the span of half a year. Nearly everyone who would have celebrated their marriage was dead. But Sirius was still thanking the stars every day and night that they had each other. Marlene (with the help for Mad-Eye Moody and Minerva McGonagall) has saved him from a lifetime in Azkaban. He never forgot that he was lucky.
So Sirius was stayed strong for Marlene, at least for the moment. He'd lost his family too. He had nightmares about James and Lily's death. His grief came out more in bursts, rather than the constant dull pain Marlene experienced.
"This isn't how it was supposed to be. None of it is. But that doesn't mean we stop living. I think I remember a stunning witch in a very short dress saying those exact words."
"I'm not the same girl you kissed under the mistletoe. She died with the rest of her family and you got left with this sad shell of a person."
Her voice was so flat and matter-of-fact. It was more painful to watch than the tears she cried or the screaming shaking nightmares she'd wake from. She'd lost too much. It was too much to bear so sometimes she just… shut off. Like she didn't have the energy to feel anything.
"Are you cold?" Sirius asked, realizing that she didn't even have it in her to get up and get dressed.
She nodded in the affirmative, and he brought a blanket over and wrapped it around her, and gave her a gentle kiss on the forehead.
"I'm not going to stop loving you because something horrible happened and you're hurting. You are still exactly the witch I fell in love with."
"You fell in love with a witch who knew how to smile."
"I have faith I'll see that smile again someday. But even if you never got it back, that wasn't what made me love you. I love you because you're kind. You didn't treat me like Sirius Black the disowned heir of a house full of monsters. You didn't even treat me like Sirius Black the cacophony of emotional damage. You knew exactly how fucked up I was and there you were, at my door, asking if you could help. You're still that person. And I still love you."
"That's the same night I realized I was in love with you." She met his eyes for the first time since he'd walked in.
"Oh? And you're willing to take on all that, a fortnight after making my aquatintence, but you think we can't get married because you're hurting now, after all this?"
"I guess that doesn't make a lot of sense."
"Right I guess it doesn't. So we'll get married. Whenever you feel up to going to the ministry we'll get married. We can throw a party later. I just want to be able to call you my wife. Do you want to take my name or should I take yours? The McKinnons have always been good people and we could be the McKinnons, if you'd like that."
"I'd thought I would take yours. I've been practicing my signature like that since I was 14."
She would have laughed at herself if she'd had the strength. It was pretty ridiculous. But somehow it had worked out that way.
"Alright then. You can have it. We can be the Blacks. The Noble and Most Ancient House is Black can sort Hufflepuff if we ever have a kid and I will personally congratulate this hypothetical kid on being in the best house."
Sirius knelt down in front of her, and took her hand in his.
"Your ancestors are all rolling over in their graves."
"I know. It's very satisfying."
He kissed her lips very sweetly. She wished she could smile. It broke her heart that he was trying so hard, and she loved him with every ounce of her being, yet she still couldn't manage to smile.
"I don't know if I'll ever feel safe enough to have a kid."
"If you don't then I'll still count myself lucky to spend my life with you."
"I hope we can have a real wedding night. It's been so long I'll feel like a virgin bride."
"If you want to wait until you feel ready for that then it's fine with me."
They hadn't been intimate since the fiendfyre took her family. At first it was that she was physically injured and then there was a torrential downpour of grief that overwhelmed everything else. Marlene slept in his arms every night but he never made a move to do anything more than kiss her.
She understood his reasoning and was grateful he loved her so much that he was willing to wait indefinitely. But she felt like waiting until she really felt like herself again was futile. Any aspect of normalcy she could grasp at would be a welcome relief. Giving in to primal physical magnetism might even help her feel a little more like herself. It wasn't as if he stopped being exceptionally good looking at any point. She still wanted him, she was just afraid to disappoint him. Maybe it really would feel like shagging the personification of grief...
"What if I'm ready now but it just can't be like before? What if I want to make love to you but I don't remember how to smile anymore? Do you still want me, like this?"
"Of course I do. Do you think you're up to getting dressed and going down to the ministry?"
He pulled her up by the hands. She wasn't smiling but she looked a little more alive and present than she had when he walked in. He hoped she'd be agreeable, despite her usual aversion to leaving the flat for anything but visiting Harry, and even then it was as a duck.
"I don't have anything to wear. And since when did we have to be married to have a shag?"
"We don't have to be… I just thought maybe it'd be nice. To bring Mrs. Black to bed and show her exactly how much I love her."
"You're a terrible sap. If I could remember how to laugh, I would be laughing at you. But I'll go put on some knickers and maybe a burlap sack or something and we can head to the ministry. There's no time like now."
"Knickers and a burlap sack. Fetching."
"Ya think, since you'll be my husband tomorrow and all, you could firecall for an appointment for me? For a mind healer? I think… it's probably going to be stupid but on the off chance it helps?"
She'd been thinking about it for a while now. It was hardly a feasible option when she was supposed to be dead. Now there was no excuse not to try it.
"Of course. Maybe I should get mind healing too. Do you think they heal minds that were never quite right to begin with?"
"Eh. Worth a go."
She took his hand and kissed his fingers, grateful that she had someone to go through this with her.
"Hurry up and get your boots on. I want to marry you."
