AN; Longest chapter yet.
Chapter 17: I Fear My Feelings Won't Speak
Although the sound of heavy rain invaded the quiet house, Arizona couldn't hear a thing but her own thoughts. A glass of wine stood on the coffee table, a ring forming at the base, almost untouched. She had remained seated on her couch for most of the day. Deluca was working and Sofia was with Callie for the next couple of days. Which was good. The blonde didn't know how engaging she would be.
She was used to the quiet madness. It had been awhile since she felt it. Perhaps maybe it never left, but remained dormant along with a slew of other thoughts and emotions that she suppressed. But when it returned, she couldn't help but welcome it.
Arizona wasn't completely oblivious. She knew her behavior the past couple of weeks were, off. When she wasn't working, she was here. If she wasn't with Sofia, she was here. Compartmentalizing had been her dearest friend ever since she could remember. But it certainly came in handy in circumstances like this one. It was essentially how she got through the rest of her residency after Tim died. How she existed when her marriage ended. How she functioned as a human being after the plane crash. It seemed to backfire a lot though, too.
It took the pounding on her door to knock her out of her thoughts. Sighing, she stood up and opened the door without even checking.
"What the heck? I rang the doorbell like four times."
"Sorry, I – wasn't paying attention," the blonde answered quietly.
Alex closed the door behind him with his foot, "I figured." He walked further into the house, handling a six pack on top of a pizza box with one hand. He scoured his surroundings wearily.
The blonde picked up her glass of wine, taking a long sip. "He's not here."
"Good," he mumbled, kicking his shoes off. That was another situation entirely. It wasn't looking to get better any time soon. Which is why Arizona didn't particularly mind Alex coming over, unannounced. He did that anyway, but it was a risky move since the day of the wedding. Deluca's face had just started to go back to normal.
"You're gonna have to apologize sooner or later," she commented, wine glass long forgotten and a cold bottle in her hand.
"Whatever."
"This is affecting your work now," Arizona finally pointed out. "You haven't made any mistakes…but nobody wants to work with you. That scowl that I thought disappeared is now back. Honestly, it's a drag."
She had persevered despite the issue. It was probably because she was too wrapped up in her own stuff,
"Big deal, so I scowl. I'm not making anyone do anything crazy or treating them unfair. What more do you want from me?"
"I want you to deal with this. And you are treating Jo unfair. She hasn't been on your service in weeks. I can't keep taking over peds cases just so the residents can learn something."
"Trust me, it's better like this."
"But it's not. Alex," she sighed, "I get it. I really do. And I hate that you have to go through this. But you need to deal with it. Have you tried talking to Jo?"
He shrugged, "She's tried. I haven't listened."
"Well nothing happened. She was wasted and Deluca was just trying to get her home safely," the blonde rolled her eyes, "She undressed herself right before you came home."
"That doesn't matter. That's what she told me too, that's probably the only thing she's been honest about. I still – don't even know who she is," Alex confessed. "She won't marry me, won't tell me why, and then I find out she's been lying to me this whole time."
Alex was never the best at relationships. And it was finally looking like he had found 'the one.' He had grown up, wanted the life that he never had. But this was possibly the last straw. There was only so much a person could withstand.
"I'm sorry," Arizona replied lamely. "I know how happy she made you. There's no way to – work it out?"
"I don't know what the truth is and I don't have the energy to listen to excuse after excuse. I can't play these games anymore, Robbins. It's – there's only so much I can take."
It was pointless to come to any sort of progress with the guy. He was hurt, and Arizona knew that there was nothing else she could really say to give any perspective. Because if she was honest, she'd be pissed off as well.
"If you need time than you need time. But don't go back to being that guy again. Deal with this like an adult. That's all I'm saying." Arizona didn't really feel in the position to be giving out advice, but this would have to do. She opened the cardboard box and folded a floppy slice of pizza before taking a huge bite. She hummed as she chewed.
Alex nodded, "I hear you." Maybe he did, maybe he didn't, but it wasn't her job to find out. Only time would tell. But she had faith in him which is why she very rarely worried.
Slowly but surely the whole pizza turned into stray bits of crust and pepperoni and the six pack had dwindled to nothing. The rest of the conversation had been light and mundane. Alex was done talking about himself and Arizona wasn't in the mindset to speak about anything else. They had switched over to scotch after the pizza had been demolished.
Alex stared into his glass, "Jesus, how old is this?"
"Twenty-five years in an oak cask. A patient's husband gave it to me a few months ago. He works for the company," she explained. "I don't even like scotch but I really think this weather calls for it." There was no sign of it letting up and the alcohol gave the rain a hypnotizing effect.
Alex whistled lowly, "This is good stuff. Seriously. All we need are cigars."
Arizona pursed her lips before smirking, "Hold that thought." She set her own glass on the coffee table and walked upstairs to her bedroom. She pulled open a couple of drawers before she found them. Juggling the few items in each hand, the blonde trotted back down the stairs before holding up her hands.
The peds surgeon raised an eyebrow, "Why do you have that?"
"Callie's dad gave them to me for my birthday one year," Arizona grinned, "don't act like you're not impressed."
"Are they Cuban?"
She rolled her eyes, "No, but knowing Carlos they're pretty good, and probably really expensive." And with that he jumped up from the couch with his own glass and followed her to the backyard.
It was usually because of the rain that Arizona didn't spend too much time there except for when Sofia had playdates and all the munchkins were running around the yard. But it was a modest size with flowers that had been planted by the previous owners and Deluca mowed the yard religiously whenever he got a chance. She sat down on a chair to her patio set and held out the items. Alex grabbed the two cigars, cutter, and a box of wooden matches.
"I used to do this in high school," Alex commented, unwrapping each cigar and cutting them at the precise point. At least, it looked that way to her.
"What? Smoke cigars in the rain with an expensive bottle of scotch?" she asked skeptically.
He smirked, "More like smoked pot in the rain with a bottle of Everclear. Either way a blonde was involved."
Arizona rolled her eyes as she accepted her own cigar and leaned forward as he struck the match. In all honesty, she wouldn't do this with anyone else. Alex was more than just her friend and mentee at one point, he was like a brother to her. It had taken her some time to realize why she felt such an investment in him. At first she thought it was because of his potential as a pediatric surgeon that caused it, and maybe it was. But over time she felt this odd connection, like Alex was that younger brother that she never had. She was thankful, that's for sure.
"Yeah," Alex nodded, "these are expensive."
"You've come a long way from cheap marijuana in the corn fields of Iowa," the blonde giggled. She wasn't necessarily a fan of cigars and only smoked a few, with her dad and Tim, and then once with Mark. But she had thrown out her measly pack of cigarettes a couple of months ago and again, Arizona wouldn't have done this with anyone else.
He glared playfully through the smoke. She watched it float towards the rain like white ribbons, wrapping around the wind.
Alex took another sip from his glass, "So are you gonna do it or not? The surgery?"
"Is that why you came over here unannounced?"
"Don't be like that. I came over here to hang out. We haven't done this lately and you've been…preoccupied. And nobody asked me to try and talk you into it. Even if someone did, you know I wouldn't do that. I figured that's what's bothering you, and I really don't wanna talk about me anymore."
Arizona sighed, "I know you wouldn't. It's my decision. It might be hard for everyone to understand but this is a huge decision. I feel like I'm making a big deal out of it. I mean, there's veterans who lost limbs and are jumping at the chance for this. And I'm just, I can't understand what I'm feeling or why I'm so hesitant."
"It brings back a lot of memories for you. Are you scared about something going wrong? Because you don't have to, Amelia can do this surgery, or even Castro if you –"
"I don't want Natalie more involved than she's already been," Arizona interrupted. "And I trust Amelia. My life wasn't about being an amputee anymore, and it feels – good not thinking about it every second of the day. I've accepted it, I'm happy with how my life is. I don't want that to matter anymore. And now here I am, thinking about it, all the time – again."
"Is there any part of you that wants to do the surgery?"
"Kind of. I've seen those guys coming in for appointments, and you'd never even know they lost a limb. I looked into the project's results and everything's damn near perfect. In theory, I'd be a fool to turn it down."
Alex nodded, "It's kicking butt right now. And all those guys' amputations were in crappy conditions. It'd be a walk in the park for you."
"I know, you did a good job. Even if I didn't know it at the time. I'm glad, that it was you. Even though I wanted to kick your ass."
They didn't need to talk about it. The two had moved on from that point in their friendship and Arizona had not been angry at him in a very long time. Even when she eventually found out that Alex is the one who did the surgery. She wasn't mad at him, and her resentment for Callie, the betrayal that she felt wasn't consuming. It was like everything had become a lot clearer. Maybe that was the moment when she had moved on from it all. Or maybe she still hadn't.
"Are you still mad at Torres?" he somewhat winced. As deep in his own crap as he was, he knew this was a sore subject. He couldn't blame the ortho surgeon for trying. It didn't mean they weren't in a crappy situation none the less.
Arizona sighed, "I'm not…mad. I don't think. She kept this from me, Alex. We're not even together anymore and she's still doing the same crap she did before. I'm so – corrupted by everything that happened before that I can't figure out if she's trying to fix me or help me. Natalie thinks I'm the one that thinks I need fixing, and I guess in a way she's right. I'm so critical about everyone's intentions, and it was a nice gesture. But with everything I've been through, I don't know if it's genuine or not."
Alex set his glass down and leaned forward, "Okay, I'm gonna say this and you can't make fun of me for it later, got it?"
Arizona blinked quizzically, "Um – okay?"
"You've been thinking about this for a while now. I can tell how much it's been bothering you. Coming up with different scenarios and dissecting every single fact like it's anatomy class. But…what if it doesn't have to be? You're thinking too much. What do you want? You can say no, and nothing will change, you'll still be happy and living your life. You don't need to do this. But if you do, there's so much more physical options you'll have. We can't change what happened, you'll always remember it, but whatever you decide won't define you. I guess what I'm trying to ask you is, what's your heart telling you?"
The rain became louder, with a sudden crack of thunder, lightning following in the distance. And there lied the problem.
"I can't tell the difference anymore."
###
"And how did that make you feel?"
Callie couldn't help but roll her eyes every time she was asked that question. Especially by Dawson. It was so open-ended that she could say anything and it could potentially open a can of worms into a whole other spectrum of her life entirely.
"I expected it. To a point. But I didn't expect her – anguish, about it. It's a delicate subject with her." Dawson nodded, internally knowing how big the issue was with the former couple.
"And she said she needed time?"
"Yeah. I didn't think it would happen anytime soon. She's been through a lot. I just wanted to help her. That's all I've ever wanted to do. But she feels differently, like there's an ulterior motive," she scratched at the back of her neck.
"And is there?" the therapist asked simply.
Callie narrowed her eyes, "No, why would there be?"
Dawson shrugged, "Maybe, your drive to do this is a way for you to cope with what happened the last time we were all here together."
Callie questioned whether it was the right thing to go back to Dawson. If she needed a therapist, she could always go to a new one and it wouldn't have been a problem. But she already had to start her life over in a sense, she didn't want to have to trust someone else with her innermost thoughts. It kind of helped that she didn't have to re-explain everything all over again. But now she wasn't sure. Because even though the two only met a few times a month, Callie felt that this woman knew her. Selfishly, she didn't like it.
"I handled that the best way I could. I didn't like it, and it was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. But I'm not trying to erase what happened, or seek redemption for ending my marriage. Arizona didn't understand it, but eventually, she did. That's not what this is."
The ticking of the clock and the scratching of pen on paper was all that was hard for a brief moment.
"Then it's just you trying to help?"
"That's it."
"Why now?"
Callie blinked, "Well, we've both been busy, a lot's happened. The whole reason I started the veteran's project was because of her. I didn't see the point of it anymore, not unless she got to have it too."
"It's been quite a few years now though."
"Is that a question?" she raised an eyebrow.
Dawson sighed, "Callie, you called me. Arizona's reaction to this is clearly bothering you."
"Of course it bothers me. She said I was trying to fix her. I don't know how many times I have to say it before she believes that I just want to – make her life better."
"You're not together anymore. It's not exactly your call, don't you think?"
"I still care, we have a child together."
"Do you think she's unhappy?"
"No, that's not it at all. You know, I look at her and I see that she's really come into her own. And I realized that the only one who could get her to that place again was herself. I accepted that I couldn't be the one to do that. And then I see her standing for hours at an operating table, and I just know that once she takes that step back it'll take everything she has to get her body to turn and walk into the scrub room. The more tired she gets, the harder it is for her to mechanically work to take one single step. And Sofia's getting older, and she's a really active kid, always running around everywhere. She told me that she wished that Mommy could do all these different activities with her, instead of just watching. And I know if Arizona still had her leg, she would be doing all of that. She shouldn't have to give anything up. I don't want her to just watch anymore. And I know she doesn't want that either. Even if she doesn't know it yet. I know her."
Callie would always know her. Despite the times where she thought she didn't. That was the hardest thing. Feeling, reading someone and being so far away at the same time. Being blocked by a wall that she wasn't invited into anymore. Sometimes it made her wish that she didn't know anymore. But that would never go away. And she wasn't quite sure if she wanted it to.
"It sounds like you really care."
She sighed.
"Yeah, I do." That didn't even begin to cover it.
###
"I never understood how kids find this fun."
"You never did that as a child?"
"Going on the slide a couple of times, sure, but not over and over…and over again."
"What did you do then?"
Amelia shrugged, "Threw dirt at boys I think?"
Hanging out with Amelia was definitely interesting. Especially when the kids were involved. Sofia and Zola were on the monkey bars and little Bailey was at the top of the slide going down for probably the millionth time. It was just as exciting for the little boy as it was when they first got to the park an hour ago.
Arizona chuckled before stealing a few pretzels from the zip lock bag she had packed earlier for Sofia, "That sounds like you."
"That's what Owen said," she replied, poking a straw into her juice box. "I wonder if he's sure about being married to me now."
"He's a trauma surgeon, of course he's sure. You two are alike that way."
The park was empty except for them which the kids were very excited about and the two surgeons didn't have to be at the hospital until later on in the afternoon. Amelia glanced at the blonde before returning her attention back to the kids running around the tire swings.
"When's a good time to have kids?"
Arizona snorted, "You're asking the wrong person."
"True, but what do you think?"
"I guess – like all things, when you know, you know. Why? You want to start soon?"
"I don't know. I know that we want kids. But we're both still so busy, we just got married, and then there's all this shit with my family. I've screwed up so much in my life, I don't want to mess this part up too."
"Those aren't really reasons. If you and Owen want to have children, then do it. Your family may never come around," the blonde admitted, "but that's not up to you. And you're a surgeon, you're always going to be busy," Arizona sighed, "and if you're worried about – something going wrong. Then don't. I happen to be an awesome maternal/fetal surgeon."
Amelia chuckled, meeting another pair of blue eyes, "Okay, thanks. And," she trailed, projecting a more somber tone, "if you need a kickass neurosurgeon, I happen to be an awesome one, too."
Arizona chewed slowly, looking off into the park again. Alex had given her some perspective. But honestly, it was just more for her to think about. When would she stop doing that?
"I'll keep that in mind."
"I hope you're not upset with me." Truthfully, she hadn't thought too much into what would happen if Arizona took it the wrong way. Perhaps she got caught up in being a surgeon instead of a friend. And she had been surprised at Arizona's reaction to say the least. She just wanted to be clear.
The blonde shook her head, "I'm not. I'm upset with myself. You were just trying to help. But I still need some time."
"I'm not gonna pressure you. When you know, you know, right?" The blonde smiled sarcastically. Amelia Shepherd was a smart cookie.
"Mommy mommy! Did you see me, I hung upside down," Sofia exclaimed, her growing legs stopping at the bench the two adults were seated at.
Arizona smiled, "I did! Be careful though, okay? I don't want you falling on your head," she brushed some stray hairs aside.
Sofia shrugged, sitting next to the blonde and reaching for some pretzels, "Aunt Amy can fix it."
Amelia smirked, "I could. But listen to your mom, though."
"I always do," Sofia replied. "Mommy when can we go to Trampoline Nation again? I want Zola and Bailey to come too."
"Maybe next weekend we can all go if it's okay with Aunt Meredith. Maybe Amy will come too."
"Yeah!" Sofia agreed, "can you do backflips, Amy?"
Amelia winced, "Um, I might. Last time I was on a trampoline I was a little bit inebriated," she admitted.
"What's that mean?" A tiny nose scrunched in confusion.
"She was just being a little silly," Arizona explained, shooting the neurosurgeon a look.
"I'm like that too sometimes," the little girl nodded. Amelia smirked and shrugged. "Mommy did you and your brother used to jump on a trampoline?"
"Well when we were your age there weren't places like that. But we went to the park and played together all the time. My brother taught me how to run and do a somersault and backflip on grass. Then when we got older, he showed me how to play all kinds of sports. But soccer was my favorite. Tim even taught me how to do a bicycle kick. "
Sofia's jaw dropped, "You didn't hurt yourself?"
Arizona chuckled, "Well, I did. But that's why I tell you to be careful now. Falling on your head kinda hurts."
"I wish I could see that," Sofia said, opening a bottle of water and taking a sip.
"What? Mommy falling on her head?"
"No, playing soccer."
###
Sweat trickled down the side of his face before sliding down his neck and soaking onto his t shirt. His hands gripped the side bars tightly, veins throbbing on muscular forearms. It was another good eight feet, and he had been going on two hours now. And he could stop, but he couldn't. It was too – effortless in a way. The process would take some time, to get his muscles back into shape and re-train the lower half of his body. But his brain, which had remained sharp, was conducting all the work.
Owen jerked the belt lightly, "Take it easy Grant. You've done great so far, don't push it."
"I got this, Major," he chuckled lightly, "just stay back there and enjoy the view." He continued to take step after step, his grip on the bars loosening slightly. He straightened his back and completed the rest of the way until he reached the small slope that led to the linoleum floor of the physical therapy room.
"Don't focus on the physicality of it, just follow what your brain is trying to do," Callie commented calmly, observing the leg and grinning as the foot landed on the slope and the other leg followed, like it was supposed to.
"That was great," Owen stated, loosening the belt.
"He's right. You're doing a lot better than expected. Maybe next time we can leave the bars out," Callie said, rolling a chair over to the man so he could rest.
Grant plopped down with an exhale, "We're definitely leaving the bars out," he grinned, "I – I haven't felt like this in a long time. Like it's still there. You guys are something else. I can't explain what this means to me."
"Just make sure you take it easy when you need to," Owen ordered, "you don't need to rush this."
"I know, I know. I've waited long enough; I can give it some more time. Thank you though, both of you," Grant said.
Callie grabbed her own stool and wheeled it over to examine the stump, "How sore are you feeling?" she asked, unfastening the leg.
"Not as bad as I thought. The lining you put on helped and the rest feels like I just need to break it in," Grant answered. The brunette handed the leg off to Owen before removing the liner. She was relieved to see that there was no swelling but just a little redness.
"Do you think a little more cushion in the liner would help?" she asked methodically, writing down a few notes in his chart.
Grant shrugged, "Maybe make it a little more comfortable. You think you could do that?"
Callie smirked, "I have an idea or two for materials. I'll come up with something by your next appointment." The gears were turning in her head, anxious to get back to her lab and work on some new plans.
Grant chuckled, "Wow she's like a magician or something, isn't she?" he asked the other surgeon. The redhead blinked from the window and turned back to the pair.
"Something like that," Owen smiled, "Give it a little ice tonight just in case you get any delayed discomfort or tenderness."
"I will, I promise," Grant vowed. "Same time Friday?" He grabbed his current prosthetic and donned it without a second thought. He stood up carefully, his body going back into the normal way of functioning. At least for right now.
"We'll see you then. You have somebody picking you up?" she asked, handing him his gym bag.
"Yeah, one of my buddies is waiting downstairs, I'll be fine. Take it easy guys."
The two surgeons watched as he made it way over to the elevators with a little more spring in his step.
"A solider that listens to me, that's a first," Callie commented, flipping open her laptop to type up some more notes.
Owen chuckled, "You've gotten better with your authoritative voice."
"Well not all of us are born with it, Major Hunt," the brunette replied, fingers already flying over the keyboard at rapid speed. "But everything looks good. Maybe we can even let him take the leg home with him after this next session."
"Probably. Do you think making a new liner is gonna make a big difference?"
"It's more for comfort than anything," she replied absently.
Owen sat down on the abandoned stool and wheeled a little farther to the desk.
"Do you know if Arizona's decided what she wanted to do yet?" he asked quietly, setting the waist belt on the table.
Callie sighed, "No, she said she still needed to think about it. I'm not pushing, I can't do that again."
The redhead nodded, "I get it. But it seemed like she was interested."
Her brows knitted together as she tore her eyes away from the computer, "What?"
He raised his hand towards the big window looking out onto the rest of the orthopedic floor. "She was watching a few minutes ago when Grant was here."
Callie blinked, "She was?"
Owen nodded, "Yeah, she was just there for a minute. Maybe she just wanted to see part of the process."
"Yeah, maybe." Things had been, well, like they were before. Only talking about work, only smiling when others were around. Sofia serving as a buffer between them to avoid awkward silences and avoiding looks. She knew it would be this way, that it would come down to this until something gave. Callie didn't want it to be like this, but she didn't know how to just – act like there wasn't a huge elephant in the room. And she didn't want to ask her. Arizona would come to her when she was ready. Or if she wasn't.
"For what it's worth, I think what you did was great. And I know you do too. She might not understand it right now, but I'm sure she feels the same."
"I'm not sure about that," she admitted. The more time that went by, the less positive she felt.
"Trust me, she feels the same."
###
Callie shot a thankful smile at the barista as she accepted her very large latté. The cup was barely in her hands before she took a long sip. Despite the heat and the fact that her tongue was on fire she could care less. It was the caffeine that she needed. She needed it to get through the rest of her shift, and she had a very uncomfortable consult to get to.
She had seen a lot of things as a surgeon. There were certain cases, certain patients, that she would remember for the rest of her life. Human beings that made her question if she really wanted to do this, and ones that inspired to do nothing else but save lives. A lot of those people were the tiny humans. Callie could be the first to say that she absolutely loved kids, she loved their look on life and their resilience. She didn't get too much of that working on adults.
But when she lost them, that's when she couldn't fathom ever doing it again.
She caught the sight of a blonde head through the window of the exam room.
"Here goes nothing," Callie murmured under her breath, opening the door. Arizona didn't turn around but continued to examine the scans on the lightbox. Her hair was wavy and tousled today, with her hands shoved deep into her pockets.
"Um," the brunette cleared her throat, "You paged?"
She saw the reluctance of the other surgeon as she turned her head briefly. And there it was, that grim, and very fake smile that she had been accustomed to for too long. Callie couldn't blame her, she wore the same mask.
"Yeah," the blonde replied, "Eleven years old with Ewing's Sarcoma. She's had six surgeries so far and a lot of chemotherapy. I've managed to get to the cancer each time but there's too many clusters. It's getting more aggressive no matter what we do. I'm thinking amputation, thought you'd like to take a look and operate if you're available."
Callie couldn't help the sigh that left her lips. She really hated this job sometimes.
"What if you take an arterial approach?" she asked after a couple of minutes.
Arizona chuckled bitterly, "You and I both know we'd need more exposure."
"She's just a kid, there's got to be something else that can be done." It was pointless maybe, and Callie could be the first one to say she loved cutting people open. But she didn't want to do this to a child, someone whose life didn't even begin yet. Who had parents worried sick somewhere by her bedside. It never got easier.
"Cadaver won't take, the bone's too riddled with cancer. If you cut the leg wide open, you're looking at a higher chance of post-op infection. And before you know it more tumors have grown. I can't keep up with it anymore, and the chemo stopped working two months ago." She didn't bother looking at the scans besides more than a mere glance. She knew Arizona was right.
The brunette scratched her brow, "I just –"
"I know."
"So…I cut her leg off."
"Yeah," Arizona replied somberly. "But she knows and her parents understand. Plus," she added, "it'll give her a chance at life. She'll die if we keep on operating. And she's young, it'll be easier for her to adjust."
"I can operate tonight," Callie offered, "if you want…"
"That'd probably be best. I don't want to waste more time than I already have trying to find a way around this. She's suffered enough."
She chanced a glance. A few years ago Arizona would have fought her tooth and nail to not amputate. It didn't mean the blonde didn't like it, but it was clear as day. The leg needed to go.
"You want to scrub in?"
Arizona blinked, "You want me to?"
"She's your patient. You've been there since the beginning. Unless you're too busy being a super awesome fetal surgeon," the brunette added innocently, taking another sip from her coffee.
Pink lips curled into a smile, "Well, in case you forgot I was a super awesome pediatric surgeon first."
Callie looked at her.
"No, I remember."
###
Arizona had a procedure that was ending at the same time as Molly Henderson's surgery was scheduled to begin so Callie had the scrub room to herself for at least another few minutes. Arizona would make it come hell or high water. A part of her wanted to suggest the blonde sit this one out. Based off the OR board for today she had certainly been busy. She should've been off her shift by now but Callie knew better than to push it.
It was decided before she even scrubbed in that she would not mention anything about Owen seeing her the other day outside the PT room. Callie wouldn't be that wif – ex-wife that she once was. It's what she had to tell herself day in and day out.
She tried not to think about what she was doing, removing a child's limb. But she had to remember that this was going to save her life. Give her a life to live with her family as opposed to having her parents make arrangements and funeral plans.
"Alright Molly, you ready to take a nap?" she asked lightly, drying her hands.
The little girl looked up at her with scared blue eyes, her bottom lip starting to tremble. "I don't want to go to sleep."
"It'll be okay," Callie replied soothingly, "Dr. Robbins and I are gonna make it all better, I promise."
Molly glanced at all the masked faces, "Where is she?"
The ortho surgeon raised her eyebrow teasingly at the sound of the sliding glass doors.
"I'm right here, you think you'd have all the fun without me?"
The eleven-year-old relaxed substantially, "Will it hurt?"
Arizona stepped closer to the table and tilted her head, "It'll hurt, but not as bad as before. You're a tough girl, you can handle it."
"A-and I get a new leg?"
"You'll get a new leg. We'll set up you up with a doctor that's gonna build one just for you. He can even make it pink," the blonde added, a smart twinkle in her eye.
"Really?"
"Have I ever lied to you?"
Molly smiled nervously, "No. And you'll stay?"
"I'll be here the whole time while Dr. Torres works her magic." Callie signaled to the anesthesiologist who placed the mask over the little girl's face.
"Alright Molly," the brunette began, "start counting backwards from ten for me…"
###
Arizona sigh drowned in the noise of the bone saw as it cut further and further. She had performed amputations herself throughout the years. She wouldn't consider herself desensitized to the whole thing, but it had been easier. She had become resolute in the fact that some things just couldn't be helped. But she had been with Molly Henderson practically since birth.
She was just a resident, a baby herself when she first met the little girl and her family. And ironically enough Molly's dad had accepted a job on the West Coast six months after Arizona had begun her fellowship in Seattle. And over the years she had watched helplessly as the little girl deteriorated before her very eyes. The blonde was always able to keep it at bay until now.
There were patients that you never forgot, even if they were alive or not and Arizona never forgot about this one.
"Molly's mom owns a bakery," she said once Callie handed the saw off to a scrub nurse.
"That sounds like the best mom ever."
Arizona smiled beneath her mask, "Yeah, a couple of times a year she has a box of stuff delivered to me, and they're delicious. When Molly wasn't so sick she used to help her mom with cakes and different treats. She said if she ever got better she wanted to deliver cupcakes to all the kids in the ward. All the doctors and nurses, too. They all love her."
"In a couple of months, she'll be able to," Callie replied.
"I always thought that she could beat it, even when she was so sick she looked transparent. Maybe I was just being naïve but I thought if I could just get her through surgery, even if it wasn't the last one, she'd be okay."
"You fought for your patient," the brunette said, looking up, "don't ever feel bad about that. It sucks, but she'll be alive. And she can help her mom bake and go to school, have friends. Have a career and a family of her own one day. You saved her life."
"I know," Arizona said reluctantly, "and it's better, while she's young. She'll come to terms with it and be able to move on. If she was older it'd be – catastrophic, she'd feel insecure and small, feel like her life was over…wishing – her life was over."
Callie held her breath as she continued to apply sutures around the stump. She felt the pressure behind her eyes but couldn't close them. She finally took a breath quietly and continued working. It was maddening, the months after the plane crash. Callie always considered herself an empathizer, but when it came to this woman, it was like watching another part of herself suffer while she just…watched.
"Molly has two loving parents and an outstanding doctor that never gave up on her," Callie finally added, "You didn't have a choice." She dropped her tools into a metal dish offered by the nurse, who handed the blonde a towel. Hands now empty, she watched as the other surgeon wiped the site gently of blood and betadine. Blue eyes shot up to hers after a moment, clear and underlying.
"You didn't either."
###
It was a chore these days, getting up at the absolutely butt crack of dawn. It used to be easy but over time it's more and more exhausting. As a surgeon, the days aren't that structured. When you're tired, you sleep, when you're hungry, you eat. Whether it was two o'clock in the afternoon or three in the morning, it didn't matter. And when you work until almost midnight and up before the sun, a surgeon doesn't think much of it.
She admired the odd color carpet, a forest green with burgundy swirls serving as a weird reminder of Christmas. It made her wonder how the place looked when the holidays were actually approaching. The demure receptionist nodded in greeting, way too bright eyed and smiley this early in the morning. Maybe it was her own fault her eyes were probably bloodshot in exhaustion, but there was a 30 week old with fetal hydrops she had to attend to in a couple of hours.
Arizona returned the smile and continued to walk further and further down the hall, past the uncomfortable chairs and friendly posters.
Pursing her lips, she squared her shoulders and opened the door, not seeing the point in knocking.
It looked the same for the most part. There were a few differences though, different colored throw pillows and it looked like the rug had been replaced with a different pattern. She approached the couch and slowly sat down. No turning back now.
"Good morning, Arizona. It's nice to see you again."
Arizona met Dr. Dawson's smile with a grimace of her own. "You, too. It's been awhile."
"Are you ready to get started?"
She sighed heavily.
"Yeah – yeah I am."
