CHAPTER 6: Honesty


When last period was finally over, I was one of the few who didn't race in a sea of otherwise frantic people. Becky was so fast she was waving goodbye to me as I squeezed past a few sophomores to get to my locker. She held up her thumb and pinky finger to her ear and shook her hand in the classic 'call me!' signal. I smiled at her, like I always did when she said or signed that.

I think we both knew that we weren't the out of school type of friends. Becky and I hung out and saw a movie on occasion, or got coffee, but we rarely did much more. I enjoyed her company, I admit, but I never seemed to be the type of person someone wanted to be around for copious amounts of time or talk to on the phone for hours.

But that was fine. I liked my somewhat solitary life. It fit me and my magical power of invisibility. Besides, getting close to people would require confiding and sharing parts of our lives; I couldn't do that.

Returning a few text books to their weekend home, I shut my locker and leaned against the cool metal. The crowd would thin out in a minute or so and then I would make my escape. I reflected on my day, for millionth time, and about what Jared said, how he looked at me, and every other nuance of the yummy boy I was crushing on so hard. The students dispersed and I began to walk out of the building, still awash in my daydreams. It had been such a lovely day, if only because of that incident.

I pushed the main door open with my hip and sighed.

"Hey, Kim!" Jared was standing off to the side and looked like he was waiting for someone or something. Maybe a ride? But no, he had a car. I, of course, squeaked my surprise. Really, would I ever stop being stunned that he was finally conversing with me? I froze in the doorway.

"How was the rest of your day?" he smiled widely, taking a few quick steps to where I was standing and holding open the door for me. I automatically moved from the entryway outside, which was closer to him.

I was gaining a small, minuscule bit of de-sensitizing and could therefore force myself to become a mediocre conversationalist. "It was fine, if boring. "I've got some homework and that English essay is going to be a pain," I choked out, and forced my features into something resembling a smile that I hoped didn't look painful. "What about you?"

His eyes sparkled and he grinned impossibly wider. Cue heart pumping. "It sucks that we don't have any other classes together. But it wasn't too bad," he said, and I felt my stomach do some gymnastics.

"Oh good," I said, kicking at the ground, at a loss of if I should politely extract myself now or continue to make small talk. I think I may have exhausted myself. I wanted to dig deeper, wanted to know what was going on in his life, the intimate details that no one else knew. I pushed that down.

There was a moment of silence.

"How are you getting home?" he asked suddenly.

I felt lame for the answer but tried not to show my embarrassment. "Walking."

"Would you like a ride?" he asked, eager. Was this surreal or what? Had I woken up in some twilight zone? Because the way Jared was looking at me would not ever happen in real life. This was like a prelude to a fantasy I couldn't even dream up.

As much as I enjoyed this time away from reality, it would be exponentially worse when I finally woke up or he ignored me again on Monday. So I did the rational thing, and declined. "No, thank you, I don't live too far away."

I instantly regretted my decision. Even if this was an alternate universe, why the hell would I ever reject spending more time with Jared? Stupid, stupid me. But I couldn't take it back now.

I watched as his face dropped in extreme disappointment and he began wringing his hands. It was a nervous gesture I had never seen him do. It was adorable. Especially on a man his size.

We stood in silence again; him with his wringing, and me in uncertainty of what to do. He was staring at the road, and I at him. This, I could do all day. He paused, as if he had solved a problem, and looked at me again.

"Well," he sighed, with a wounded puppy pout that caused my heart to accelerate, "if you won't let me give you a ride, how about I accompany you on your walk?"

"But what about your car?" I asked, stunned.

Iwas thunderstruck; even I wasn't obtuse enough not to see he was making excuses to hang out with me. What other explanation could there be? Unless this was a prank. It could be that. But Jared really wasn't the type. Oh great, now I would be tortured with the idea that he was completely messing with me.

His gigantic shoulders lifted in a shrug. "My friend Sam will come get it for me. C'mon, let's go before it starts raining!" and he took my hand to urge me forward.

A surge of something electrical shot directly from my hand to the rest of my body. Oh god, was all I could think. This is so not happening.

He didn't seem to notice, tightening his grip without looking back at my now stiffened body. Was it odd to say that my hand felt right in his? Like it was supposed to be there? I never wanted it to end.

But when we got to the road and he was still holding my hand, I felt so awkward and unsure that I jerked it back reflexively.

He immediately yielded and shot me a more tragic look than the occasion called for. "Sorry," he muttered.

I wanted to say he had nothing to be sorry for, that I was the dumb insecure one, but I didn't have the guts.

It was a mostly quiet walk for a few minutes.

I wanted to break the silence with something witty, but nothing came to mind. Instead, I employed my stellar small-talk skills. That was something I could handle. "So any plans for the weekend?" I said, my voice sounding croaky. I didn't bother feeling mortified; it was a constant state of being for me.

"No," he sighed, disheartened. I wondered if he was regretting walking with me. I wasn't the best company, after all, and I'm sure he had tons of people he'd rather be with—which reminded me of a question I was dying to ask. One I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer to.

"Oh," I absently murmured, working up the guts for my query. Here I go. "Whyareyoudoingthis?" Damn, the words came out all jumbled and I wanted to snatch them back. Maybe I could play it off like I didn't say anything, perhaps he didn't catch it.

Newsflash, Kim, when have you ever had any luck? Not now, that was for sure.

Jared stopped moving. "What?"

I turned to him, the red in my face probably bright enough to illuminate a dark room. "Nothing, never mind, uh," I stuttered, trying to control my erratic breathing. His gaze was making me uncaring to his motives, once more. But no! Stay strong Kim! I was a nobody, invisible to everyone, and so I had to watch my own back.

As much as I pined after Jared, this situation was a little too good to be true. And if seemed that way, then it likely was. I wanted his undivided attention and affection almost more than anything in the world but not if it would cause me pain and heartbreak. If this was a prank, dare, love potion, whatever, then I needed to found that out now.

"No, I heard you," Jared said slowly, his eyes measuring my movements with alarming alertness. His beautiful body went rigid, and dear god, this made him seem taller. He crossed his arms. "I just don't quite understand what you're asking."

That should've been obvious. I gave him a incredulous look. "This," I gestured at me and him, "is weird. I've known you since middle school and you never looked twice at me. I know you said you wanted to start over but why now? What changed? If this is a dare or prank, then I want to know. I swear, I won't be mad. I'll even play along, if you want. But please don't toy with me, that's not fair," I babbled, nervously searching my pockets for a container of tic-tacs. I found them and slipped two out and into my mouth.

"A prank?" Jared parroted, dumbfounded. "What? Has someone ever done that to you before?" he asked angrily, starting to shake slightly. Of all the things I said, he focuses on that?

"No, no," I shook my head. Another tic-tac. "But I wasn't born yesterday. I just want you to be honest with me."

"Oh, Kim," he swallowed, looking more pained than any person had a right to be by me. The two feet that separated us was quickly erased, and he put his immense, warm hands on my shoulders, staring deeply into my eyes. I stopped breathing. Damn, the guy was going to kill me. "This is no dare. Or prank, or anything like that at all. I'm not toying with you and I never will, I swear to you. I just, ah, well, want to get to know you. I can't change my ignorant actions of before, as much as I want to," he fiercely swore, "and fuck, I was an absolute idiot. I can't change history. But I can change what I do now."

I was struck, finally, by his veracity and I allowed myself to hope. Maybe this was real. Just maybe. "Sounds good," I couldn't stop the smile that spread over my mouth. He, then, seemed struck. As if his actions weren't his own, he raised one hand and cupped my left cheek. I gasped. The heat sparked a fire that shot directly to my belly and lower.

I wasn't use to physical demonstration, from friends or family, and was surprised by the sheer yearning that overtook me. I wanted more; from him, from my father, even to hug Becky once in a while. And that was dangerous. This boy, who I had lov-liked for so long, suddenly takes notice and it makes me want more. And getting more wasn't realistic. I was ugly and pathetic and unloved.

Again, I pulled away frantically, in disenchantment. I didn't even look at Jared, I just continued stumbling along the path home. He probably thought I suffered from extreme mood swings. One minute I'm smiling, and the next I'm forlorn.

I heard him sigh again and he took only a few steps with his long legs to catch up with me, and then slowed down to my pace. "So, do you have any weekend plans?" he inquired, probably only in politeness.

"Not really, just some housework," I shrugged, increasing my speed. I wanted to get home, go lay in my bed and cry. Dwell on my pathetic life.

We were finally passing a large oak tree, indicating I was close to my house. I concentrated on keeping it together until I got through the door.

"Well," Jared exhaled, "if you aren't busy tomorrow night, I would really love it if you came to First Beach. A couple of my friends and I are having a bonfire there."

"Oh, I wouldn't want to intrude," I said. Honestly, I wasn't good with strangers. Or people in general.

"No!" he protested. "You wouldn't be an intrusion. It'd be great if you came. Please just think about it! Don't answer now."

I was glad we were at the front of my house and heavily disappointed all at once. I nodded my agreement to think about the offer but doubted I'd take him up on it. "Well, thanks for walking me. Are you sure you'll be okay getting home? I could ask to borrow my dad's car and drive you somewhere…?" Well, more like take the car and deal with the aftermath later.

"I'm fine," he assured me, "don't worry so much!"

"Like that'll happen," I muttered, testing the door and finding it unlocked.

"Bye, Kim," he waved, looking sad and an unidentifiable expression flitting across his face again. I smiled tightly and slipped inside.

Once I shut the door, I saw Pat unconscious on the couch. Unsurprising.

My back still to the door, I sank down, listening for Jared's retreating footsteps. It took a few minutes, in which I was convinced I must have missed it, but I eventually heard him leaving.

Only then did I raise myself up, rush into my bedroom and throw my body down face first onto the bed.

If I cried, I didn't notice. The only thoughts in my mind were of Jared, what the hell had happened, and the new emotions swirling around inside me that made me want to be more.

And that last one, most of all, was the scariest.