Yes, I'm back! I'm uploading a TON of chapters all at once, so make sure you didn't miss any! PS - Sorry for the angst in these chapters, but that's pretty much what most of season 2 was. So... Brace yo'self.

The sound was faint. Very faint. So faint that her brain barely recognized the shuffle outside her bunk's door. But once she saw the door starting to be pulled outward, it was enough for her brain to process as a threat.

Immediately, Simmons tensed and grabbed the gun out of its hiding place under her pillow. She whirled around and raised the gun towards the door, assuming the firing stance May had drilled into her before her departure for her undercover role.

"Wha - Je - wha!" A panicked voice stuttered from her doorway. Fitz, eyes wide as he stared at her, crouched and raised his hands. He looked absolutely terrified, mouth hanging open as she aimed the gun in his direction.

"Oh, Fitz! Oh, I'm so sorry!" Simmons said, instantly dropping the gun onto her bed and running towards her erstwhile partner. She rested her hands on his shoulder and on his shaking wrist in hopes of calming him down, but her touch caused him to flinch and step back, shaking her hold off of his shoulder and staring at her hand as it quickly retreated.

"… Fitz?" Simmons asked quietly, worried. She knew they weren't on anywhere near the best of terms professionally or personally, but she had hoped that she could still be a comfort to him during a time of need.

Watching her longtime friend continue to shake and open and close his mouth, unable to find words, brought tears to her eyes. She crossed her arms over her chest to keep herself from reaching out again and bit her lips tightly, restraining herself from trying to provide him words.

She wasn't helpful. Nothing she said or did every helped him, and this was proof.

By the time Fitz finally started to slow his breathing and his shaking subsided, Simmons was in the middle of falling apart herself.

Tears were streaming down her face and her shoulders were shaking, the pressure of keeping in so many emotions threatening to push her over the edge.

Simmons knew the moment that Fitz had gotten himself under control and finally realized what was going on with her because his sharp gasp echoed through her bedroom. Instinctively knowing he was slowly approaching her - she guessed that their famous "psychic link" was pretty much the only thing between them that wasn't broken now - Simmons waved him off. She squeezed her arms in on herself and turned away, stepping towards her bed, her eyes squeezed tightly shut as she willed her tears away.

She could do this. She was Jemma Simmons, agent of SHIELD. Successful - well, mostly successful - undercover agent of Hydra. She was brilliant, she was a survivor, she wasn't the one who had been in a coma for nine bloody days and had brain damage, for heaven's sake!

Just the thought made her cry harder.

"… Jem?" Fitz's question was soft and desperate, the man clearly having no idea what was going on. It was also still coming from the direction of her door, so that was good. He hadn't followed her all the way into the room.

Simmons squeezed her eyes shut and counted down from three, taking a long, deep breath. She was on the verge of a complete breakdown - had been for a while, if she was honest with herself. Probably since Fitz' underwater confession. There was absolutely no way she could avoid the tears that were eventually going to come. So she told herself that she could cry - she could breakdown and sob and soak her pillow with tears - in three minutes. She just needed to put on a brave face for Fitz and then the moment he left, she could crumble.

She could be brave for Fitz. That's the one thing she could do.

Simmons took another shuddering breath and wiped her fingers under her eyes, likely doing nothing more than smearing the mascara that had melted down her cheeks, but the act made her straighten up a bit.

"I'm so-" She started, but her voice cracked and she cleared her throat, wiping her eyes again. "I'm sorry about that, Fitz," attempting to be cheerful. She winced. Apparently when she tried to sound cheerful during a brief hiatus from a crying binge, she just sounded creepy. "I really am," she attempted again, lowering the brightness of her voice a little in an effort to tone it down.

Fitz just stared at her from her doorway - which she noted he had at some point closed without her noticing. No doubt to protect her during this moment of weakness, to save her some embarrassment from the rest of the team. The thought just brought more tears to her eyes and she sniffed, forcing herself to stand up so straight her shoulders almost hurt.

The partners stared at each other for a long time in silence. Fitz had a conflicted expression she'd never seen on him before - he was at war with himself, instinctively wanting to reach out and comfort his best friend, but still so furious at her for a hundred different things, and frustrated with himself for a hundred more. Simmons was just doing her best to appear normal, protecting him from the all the horrible, ugly thoughts she was thinking about herself. Fitz getting better. That was the goal. She needed to focus on that. Anything else was selfish.

"Are…" Fitz started, then stopped, not sure what he wanted to say. Are you okay? What's wrong? Why are you here? Why are things different? Why did you leave? Why are you acting like nothing's wrong? I thought we were safe together - I thought we didn't hide from each other. Is it different now? Why didn't you stay? Do you love me too? What happened at Hydra? Are you okay? Not just now, but overall? Did something happen to you? Are you hurt? Why did you leave? Are you disappointed I'm not as smart as you anymore? Do you miss the old me? I'm so sorry he's gone. Why did you leave? Why did you leave? Why did you leave me? I'm worried. I'm scared. I'm angry. I don't know how to fix this.

"I came here to see if you were se-serious when you told Ward you'd kill him," he finally said. "Obv- obi-obvious… I guess I got my answer," he finally spits out, gesturing to the gun Simmons had thrown on the bed. "Is that something you got comfortable with at Hydra?"

Oh. Well. Looks like anger won out over everything. Fitz winced as he saw Simmons' horrified expression, instantly wishing he could take it back. Why did he say that? He was hurting her, obviously. It was killing her to see him like this, see him so broken. He was lashing out at her, he knew. He wanted her to feel the anger, the hurt that he had felt when she left.

Why did you leave?

"I'm sorry - " Simmons started again, but Fitz cut her off.

"For what?" He asked. "For almost killing me?" He looked at the gun again. "Or for something else you did? Or something you didn't do?"

Like love me back.

He wanted to say it. He needed to say it. But he didn't.

Simmons was shaking again, and Fitz felt a pang of hatred for himself in his gut. But his anger and heartbreak, building up for weeks, won out.

"Why. Did you leave?"

"Oh, Fitz," Simmons sighed through tears. "I'm so sorry."

Fitz's heart, barely whole as it was, took another hit to hear her say the familiar admonishment he'd gone so long without hearing. But at the same time, he felt lighter than he had since he woke up. That's all he had wanted to hear, this whole time.

"I should never have come back," she whispered.

Fitz froze.

"What?" He asked, blindsided.

"I make you worse, everyone sees that," Simmons said, motioning toward his hand that had starting shaking again. "Coulson was reporting to me weekly and said you'd made such amazing improvements. I… I'm sorry I returned and set you back in your recovery. I should have stayed away, I shouldn't have let Bobbi save me."

"What… The hell… Are you talking about?" Fitz asked, his voice slowly shifting from soft and concerned to angry.

Simmons heard the change but didn't look up, too far gone into her self-loathing to react.

"You would have died," he spit out. "If you had stayed in Hydra. You would have died." He mostly says it to keep arguing, but a part of him says it to satisfy his curiosity about how dangerous it had really gotten during her undercover mission.

She shrugged, still not meeting his eyes.

Her silent agreement pushed him over the edge from angry to furious, terrified at the thought of how close he had gotten to losing her. Suddenly, the feeling of plummeting - of seeing her lean out of the back of the plane all those months ago and taking his heart with her - overwhelmed him. He had tried to forget the feeling, tried to move on after she left for Hydra, but clearly his heart wouldn't let him.

"… But then you'd have to get better," Simmons sniffled quietly, still studying the ground intently.

"I - wha…" Fitz breathed, taking a step back. He grabbed his chest, suddenly feeling like he can't get enough oxygen into his lungs. He wondered, briefly, is this is what Ward felt like for that brief period he lowered his oxygen, then quickly dismissed the thought. He hopes it felt worse.

"I…" Fitz started again, squaring his shoulders and stepping forward, forcing himself into Simmons' space so that she had to look up at him. "I gave my last breath so that you could live," he said, clearer than any sentence he'd said since his accident. "And you're willing to di - to die - so that I can just heal faster?! Think about how, how… How dense that is, Jemma!" He sees her flinch at his increasingly raised voice, but he presses on, "That would absolutely destroy me."

Simmons flinched and whirled around, sobs tearing out of her as though a dam had suddenly been broken.

Fitz ran his good hand through his hair and laughed once - quickly, caustically. So there it is. He admitted he loved her in the pod under the ocean and she didn't return the feelings and abandoned him. Then she's come back and is reminded of his feelings - and she still won't face him.

Well, now he knows. He should let Hunter set him up with someone. Or take Skye up on her offer to train him. Or get rip-roaring drunk.

That final option felt like the easiest one, so Fitz turned to leave. He had his hand on the doorknob, about to open it and head straight to the lab to make the strongest alcohol he'd ever produced.

"Don't you see, Fitz?" Simmons' voice, barely a whisper, stopped him. "I failed you. I failed you then and I'm failing you now and I keep failing you a hundred times over. You saved my life and what do I do? I stay here and you don't heal. I leave and you hate me. I come back, I make it worse."

Fitz's heart constricted as he slowly turned. He really didn't know how he felt about Simmons anymore. He knows a love like he had for her is hard to quit, and he knows that seeing her walk into the lab after coming back from Hydra was one of the most beautiful sights he'd ever seen. Despite his injury, he wasn't stupid. He knew he would probably never stop caring for her. But his anger and confusion and heartbreak at her leaving just felt like another betrayal in his life. His father, Ward… Now Simmons, the one person he thought his heart would always be safe with.

But hearing her say such awful, awful things about herself when he knew they were such blatant lies… He wanted to say something. Tell her how wrong she was. Tell her that he was starting to understand why she left. Tell her that seeing her wrecked like this, in shambles because she obviously hadn't wanted to leave him… He was starting to understand. Could one day forgive.

But he just wasn't strong enough to tell her that yet, the anger still burning on top of all of his other emotions. He needed more time.

Unaware of Fitz's mental gymnastics, Simmons laughed bitterly. "You are so angry at me for risking my life with Hydra, but the great irony is that you came as close to dying as any of us ever have… And it was for me. And now we're back at our old argument. You can die for me, but I can't die for you. That doesn't seem fair, does it Fitz?" She asked wearily.

"You know why that is," Fitz said, direct and succinct. No reason to beat around the bush now.

Simmons just sighed and nodded, tears starting to fall again. Of course she knew. He loved her. He hadn't said the words I love you, but he'd gotten pretty close and then sacrificed his life to save her own. But she wasn't sure how she felt about him. She knew she cared, she knew she cared so deeply. Seeing him in that coma for 9 days had been the hardest thing she'd ever experienced. But she'd never really let herself think about him that way - so being forcibly thrown into that situation had thrown her usually logical, organized brain into a loop.

She'd gone from being Fitz's best friend to finding out he loved her, watching him try to die for her, watching him hover near death for 9 days, then discovering he had severe brain damage… Then finding out that her presence hurt him more than helped.

She hadn't let herself process anything. She'd taken a page from Skye's book. Throw yourself into the first project you see and put all your focus on that, so you can't break down.

But Jemma wasn't dumb. She knew where this was going to end, had always known. Well, at least since that holiday she took with her family only a year after meeting Fitz. She had seen that Scottish cottage and just known, with a deep contentment she couldn't explain, that one day she would get married and live with her new lab partner Fitz in a cottage just like that one. They would never be apart. She was going to love Fitz until the day she died. But she just wasn't quite ready yet to leave the safety of their companionship, their friendship.

And then he almost died without marrying her or moving into that cottage, and her brain short-circuited like one of his devices.

"What do we do, Fitz?" Simmons sniffled. "I can't go back and change what I did. Neither can you."

"I wouldn't want to," he said, quickly.

"So…" Simmons started, trying to keep the hope out of her voice. "Do you even want to go back? To the way it was - we were - before?"

Before you confessed your love and I ran away?

"I want to go back to a world where we can speak to each other without crying or yelling or shaking," Fitz said solemnly.

The pair stared at each other for another moment, thoughts and memories simultaneously running through their minds. After a while Fitz sighed and gave Simmons a wan smile before turning and leaving.

Simmons waited until she heard his footsteps fade around the end of the hallway before burying her face in a pillow and sobbing until she fell asleep, exhausted.