"That get up's gotta be killing you," Sadie said as she flicked on the house's lights and walked toward the staircase. "I'm getting something else from my bedroom for a bit. You want anything?"
Cassandra frowned. "I wanted to look good. For you."
"I know you did, and you look great," Sadie said quickly. "But you don't have to dress up for me here. Hang tight."
Cassandra sat down on the couch in the living room, Sadie's steps above her the only sound in the whole house. After a few minutes Sadie returned, dressed in a dark purple sports bra and black sweatpants. "I know it's not exactly modest, but I'm about out of clean stuff right now." She tossed Cassandra an oversized red flannel and black gym shorts. "I keep putting off laundry and Pete's not here to bug me about it. Sorry about that."
"It's fine."
Cassandra stepped off the couch and into an adjacent bathroom to change out of her formal wear. Sadie's feet were on the floor and left her an open spot on the couch when she returned, but Sadie raised and laid her crossed legs on Cassandra's lap.
"You have a good time tonight?" Sadie asked as she flicked on the TV.
"Yes."
"Good. Anything you want to watch?"
"I don't watch much without you."
"Well, thought I'd be courteous."
Sadie flipped through all of the channels, twice, possibly, seemingly without giving any of them any attention. In the midst of the flipping, Sadie uncrossed, slid closer in and laid a hand on Cassandra's bare, lower leg and gently moved back and forth with her pointer finger.
"And you had a good night with me, right?" Sadie asked.
Cassandra smiled. "Of course."
"I know I ask that a lot. It's not like I really doubt it, you're just a tough nut to crack sometimes, you know?"
"I know," Cassandra said. "I don't mind."
After never holding on a channel for more than two seconds, Sadie flicked the TV off. "Maybe all that booze in the cooking is making me feel weird, but I've feeling really good right now. Really on top of the world, sitting here with you."
Cassandra set a hand on her shoulder. "I'm glad."
"I want to come up here with me."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know… I mean, I do, you just always need everything explained… remember back in the movie a while back? I asked you if you trusted me."
"Yes."
"Good. Because I want you to trust me like that right now."
Before Cassandra could give it any further thought, Sadie repositioned herself and leaned forward. From the first contact, there was something different about that kiss. A hint of force, some semblance of aggression, Cassandra wasn't sure what to consider it. Maybe it was just passion, it had been a good night after all. Cassandra decided to stop dwelling on what it was and melted into the kiss. The lock of lips didn't last long, Sadie slid a hand to the back of Cassandra's head, ran it through her hair and pushed at Cassandra's lips for a moment before their tongues met. Sadie led first in circles, then in zig zags and eventually not taking any pattern at all.
This went on for a minute before Sadie pulled back and tapped her forehead against Cassandra's. "Still with me?"
There was still something bothering Cassandra, but she put it out of her mind. "Yes." She wasn't sure if it was the truth or not.
Sadie playfully pushed Cassandra, but she didn't respond. She tried again, paused and laughed. "I want you to lay back. Sorry, know you don't take cues well."
Cassandra gave tiny laugh of her own, and she fell backwards on the couch with Sadie's next play-push. Sadie slid on top of her slowly and detoured before she reached Cassandra's face. The moment Sadie's lips and tongue touched Cassandra's neck, she was overcome by the same sense of elated sickness from the movie theater weeks before. She could remember she had talked to Father Ryan about the experience, but she couldn't remember exactly what she said. Cassandra was more prepared this time, and swallowed her apprehension. Soon, she was eased back as Sadie continued to lay tiny kisses and licks on her neck.
One tiny twitch ran through Cassandra's body, and though she thought it would be impossible, Sadie seemed to notice, paused and looked up at her. "Still okay?"
Cassandra's response was quicker than even she thought it would be. "Yes."
"Okay, good."
As Sadie's mouth returned to Cassandra's neck, her hand wandered downward and slid between the soft material of the oversized flannel. Cassandra wasn't sure what to make of it at first, but after a moment, decided she liked it. Sadie pushed up from her position on her neck, and as they resumed kissing her again, Cassandra ran her hands over Sadie's bare stomach and back. Cassandra was confused, but it was a wonderful confusion, an unpredictability. She couldn't be sure of what was coming, at least that was what she told herself. But whatever it was, that was where she wanted to be.
Again Sadie broke the lock on their lips and pressed her forehead against Cassandra's. Their breaths were heavy, Cassandra could almost feel Sadie's heart pounding. "I love you." It was little more than a mumble when Sadie said it. "I'm doing all of this because I love you."
Cassandra didn't know what she was referring to. Or she didn't think she knew. "I love you too."
Sadie slid back and sat up a little. Her breaths were still heavy, there were tiny twitches visible in her movements. Sadie ran her hands up Cassandra's sides, and though her fingernails weren't very long, a shiver ran through Cassandra's body. As if she had been laboring over the movement for a while, Sadie took ahold of the top button on Cassandra's flannel and slid it back through its hole. When Cassandra didn't say anything, Sadie did the same with the second.
When she came to the third, Cassandra asked, "What are you doing?"
"Come on." A small smile crept across Sadie's face. "I know you have a tough time with stuff, but you aren't stupid. You know what I'm doing, don't you?"
Cassandra wasn't sure what made her respond. Did she know? Was she just trying not to break the moment? Did she just want more of that strange, sickeningly wonderful feeling? She didn't know, or at least wasn't sure. So she just said, "Yes."
Sadie moved downward, undoing button after button until she pulled the two sides of the flannel apart. White bra under a white blouse was a rare tip from Stephanie she had actually managed to remember. The two locked eye contact for what seemed like forever, only accentuated by the deep, heavy breaths.
Their lips met again, their bare stomachs pressed together. Sadie reached down and squeezed Cassandra's breasts.
It was ecstasy. It was illness. It was elation. It was nauseating. Cassandra's entire being was alive. Her whole body was on fire. She thanked God. She begged for forgiveness.
Sadie pulled her lips away, but remained barely an inch from Cassandra's face. "This really is your first time, isn't it?"
Cassandra was going to ask, "First what?" but instead said, "Yes."
"Tell me anything you want me to change," Sadie said. "You probably don't know what you like yet."
Cassandra was wandering through a haze. Everything seemed at least somewhat recognizable, but at the same time was a blur at best. Did she understand any of what Sadie was saying? Did she understand any of what Sadie was doing? Or did she even want to understand?
Sadie's hands worked erratically. Sometimes she squeezed hard enough that it hurt. Other she didn't use any pressure at all and just pushed Cassandra's breasts together or apart. She paused from the acts for a moment, took Cassandra's hands and pulled them to her own chest. Even through the sports bra, they were softer and more perfect than anything Cassandra had ever felt. After a moment of hesitation, Cassandra mimicked Sadie's recent movements and pinched at the center. That elicited a similar moan and a, "Yeah, that's it."
Cassandra stopped trying to keep up with the kisses entirely and moaned as Sadie continued to manipulate her chest. Sadie slid up to kiss her on the mouth a few times before she returned to pecking and nibbling at Cassandra's neck. With a little time, Sadie pulled Cassandra up, somewhat, reached around and began to handle the straps of her bra.
Cassandra's heart pounded. Every action was simultaneously titillating and repulsive, both in ways she couldn't begin to describe. It was all happening so fast. She needed a moment, if nothing else, just a moment.
"…No."
Even Cassandra wasn't sure she could hear herself. Sadie's hands were still on her bra, and had undone one of the hooks.
Time seemed to slow as Sadie handled the second hook. Cassandra's mind raced as she considered the situation. She had tried, just honestly tried, to say no. Maybe she didn't have to think about the rest. Maybe she could just let Sadie proceed and the sickness would fade. Everything might be just fine, maybe even wonderful, if she laid back and accepted the moment. But somewhere, in her mind, maybe her heart, or maybe her soul, she couldn't get past the wave of discomfort she felt. As Sadie slipped the last hook from its holster, Cassandra put a hand on her shoulder, bare besides the strap.
Cassandra squeezed the shoulder gently, but her word became clear and firm. "No."
Sadie's eyes widened, she frowned and double-took. For a moment, she remained in place before slowly pushing up and raising her hands.
"I'm sorry." Sadie's eyes were down and her hands were open. "I heard you. Hands off, I got it."
Cassandra hadn't ended the conflict in her mind, she had only exacerbated it. What kind of situation was she in? Could she just say yes and it would all come back? The thought only lasted a second, but grabbed her furiously.
"I know I should have asked." Even with her face turned away, Cassandra could see Sadie's face turning red. "I shouldn't have assumed things… I just thought you were ready."
The two sat in silence for a time Cassandra was unsure of. She didn't move from her place, since doing so would probably expose her. As her heart slowly returned to its normal tempo, she said, "It isn't you."
Sadie mustered half of a smile. "No?"
"No… it's my faith."
The smile disappeared, Sadie rubbed her forehead and sighed. "Yeah. Of course it is."
Cassandra reach behind her back and fumbled to rehook her bra. "It's just—"
"No no, I know how it goes." The previous aggression had made its way into Sadie's voice. "Nothing until marriage, yeah… makes a lot of sense when you think about it. You start feeling urges when you're thirteen, sometimes younger, and you just gotta deal with it until you're way older and have the chance to invest a lot of time and money in someone. Makes a whole lot of sense."
Cassandra's mouth slipped open a bit out of disbelief. "It is sacred—"
Sadie pressed her fingers harder into her forehead. "Yeah. The sacred art of screwing. Real big deal where you come. Yeah, it was completely profound for me, two and a half years ago with that greasy guy from science class."
"Guy—"
"Yeah, guy. I was still figuring some stuff out, so sue me."
The two were silent for a bit thereafter before Cassandra asked, "Should I not have said no?"
"You're allowed to say no!" Those didn't sound like words that should have been angry to Cassandra. "Damn it, I'm not mad at you for saying no. I'm mad that you really do fall in with all this stupid BS about a bunch of old men telling us what we're supposed to do with our bodies."
"It isn't 'old men,'" Cassandra said.
"Yeah yeah yeah. Old men. God. Whatever. I don't care. I really don't right now." When Sadie began speaking again, there was a shift in her tone. Something was paired with the aggression. A choke and clench, almost, in her throat. "This seriously isn't even sex to them, you realize that, right?"
Cassandra couldn't hold eye contact anymore when she saw the tears welling up in Sadie's eyes. She looked away. "You said I could say no—"
"You can say no, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt." Sadie wiped her eyes. "Maybe you can't understand this, but it took me a lot to get here… it took a lot because I was scared of being rejected. I was afraid of exactly what just happened."
Cassandra pulled the flannel from behind her back and held it over her front as she sat up and put a hand on Sadie's shoulder. "Sadie…"
Somehow, Sadie gently pushing Cassandra's hand off was as forceful as a shove and the frustration took control of her eyes. "You couldn't just ignore this, like you're obviously ignoring so much other stuff." Sadie broke the glare and wrapped her arms around herself. "I wanted to give you my everything, and your stupid rules get in the way… I should have known." Sadie paused, as if she was giving Cassandra a chance to reply, but she said nothing. "Why don't you call Tim or Steph and see if they'll take you home. You can tell them I have a stomachache or something. You're good at that."
Sadie stood up and walked away. Cassandra's movements were more hesitant and she slowly reassembled her wardrobe. It was late. Tim and Stephanie were probably busy, but she couldn't tell Sadie that and didn't have any other good ideas. With some struggle she entered Stephanie's phone number in and, to her surprise, found it was still set in its civilian mode.
"Yello?"
"Stephanie, hi," Cassandra said.
"Hey! Did you get home okay?"
"No, we were waiting… Sadie has stomachache. Wanted to see if you could help me."
"You got me in the middle of some stuff… hang on."
Cassandra could faintly hear Stephanie and Tim talking, and within a minute she was back on the line. "Yeah, I can dodge out for a bit. I'll see you in a bit, okay?"
"Okay."
"Tell Sadie to feel better for me."
"I will. Good bye." A click followed. Cassandra turned to Sadie. "She is coming. Said feel better."
"Good. Thanks." Sadie got off the couch and gave Cassandra a pat on the back. "I'm going to bed then. Goodnight."
"Goodnight."
