August 1996
"Okay, we'll have to split up," Mad-Eye concluded, bangs and flashes erupting from both sides of the fork in the road. "Dawlish, Shacklebolt – that way. Tonks, you're with me. Remember – constant vigilance!"
There was no time to think – they had to catch up with the cloaked figures that were surely just out of sight. Rubble lined the pavements; adults and children alike were fleeing in the opposite direction, terror etched onto their faces; there was a trail of what looked like blood leading from one of the houses into the road. Tonks felt focussed for the first time in weeks. Terrorising Muggles was like a sport to these Death Eaters, and she had to try and stop it.
She thought with a pang of her Muggle grandparents: they lived in the countryside, so surely they were safe. But there was just no way of knowing, and if she contacted them, they were more likely to become targets.
As they travelled further down the street – Tonks jogging, Mad-Eye limping to keep up – Tonks knew that they were close, because the air was becoming mistier: breeding Dementors. It was a feeling that was becoming more and more familiar, but that didn't make it any easier to fight. Her brain felt foggier, lethargic, and she felt her pace slowing. She needed to cast a Patronus. Normally, this was effortless for her, the silver jack rabbit bursting from her wand, but all she could conjure were wispy silver puffs of smoke.
"Come on! Get your head in the game, Tonks!" Mad-Eye yelled, his shiny ferret racing past them, leaving behind it a dancing trail of silver.
Tonks screwed her face up, focussing with all her might on her failsafe happy memory – opening her NEWT results and finding out that she had achieved the required grades to become an Auror – but it was no good. She racked her brains. The last few months had been filled with darkness; when was the last time she felt joy?
A bittersweet memory swam to the surface of her mind: leaning in closer, feeling the warmth of his breath, his stubble grazing her chin, his gentle but firm lips caressing hers, finally knowing that her feelings were reciprocated…
Finally, a giant silver mass erupted from her wand, charging forward and clearing the mist in front of them. Tonks started. This was not the jack rabbit she recognised – how could her Patronus change its form? What was it anyway? And as the hairy four-legged beast swooped back towards them, it all made sense. It was a wolf.
"Nice Patronus," Mad-Eye said, and the look in his eye looked was all-knowing for Tonks's liking. She scowled at him.
Tonks surveyed the beauty of the creature that she had created. It may have been huge, ferocious, even threatening, but it moved with elegance and grace. More importantly, Tonks didn't feel even slightly intimidated by it. She knew that it would channel its aggression into fierce protective instincts. She felt safe with her silvery wolf.
Then it hit her – why wouldn't Remus allow her to feel like that with him? If he really felt as she did, how could he think that he could ever hurt her? And how could he think that it wasn't worth the danger for her?
Her Patronus flickered and faltered; then it was gone altogether.
"No! Expecto Patronum! Expecto Patronum!"
But her happy memory had disappeared. All she could think of was what came after it: Remus pulling away, telling her that it was a huge mistake, that they could never be together for a hundred reasons…
They were nearing the Death Eaters and their destruction now – Tonks could hear shouts, screams and manic laughter. But that also meant that they were nearing the Dementors. The mist grew thicker and Tonks descended deeper into her agony. Then she saw it: the black hooded creature gliding towards them, almost graceful, and the sensation of despair was too much for her. The darkness closed in around the sides of her vision – it was too late and there was nothing she could do…
"Expecto…"
Tonks opened her eyes and the world swam around a couple of times before coming into focus. She made to jump up – the Dementors! – but found that she was cold and clammy and didn't have the energy in her limbs. Taking in her surroundings, she realised that she was out of danger; this was the Weasleys' living room, and she was bundled up in some chunky knitted blankets on the sofa.
Molly had noticed her stirring; she came over and shoved some chocolate into Tonks's hand. "Eat," she said firmly.
Idly taking the chocolate but not eating any, Tonks tried to make sense of the fragmented memories of what had happened. There had been bangs and flashes, shouting, terrified Muggles… and her Patronus. Tonks curled into a ball at the humiliation of what had happened. She was an Auror! She should be able to produce a Patronus without any trouble at all.
"Go on," Molly prompted her, "it'll make you feel better. Mad-Eye had to go," she added, "but sends his good wishes."
"Did he tell you what happened?" Tonks asked, mortified, but she took a bite to placate Molly. It did actually help – she could feel the clamminess gradually leaving her skin.
"Er, yes, he did mention your Patronus," Molly admitted. "Don't worry, dear – Dementors get to you more at times like this. I'm not sure how I would fare against them at the moment, with all this worry around."
Tonks wasn't particularly reassured, but she appreciated Molly trying to comfort her. "Thanks," she said. There was a pause as Tonks internally debated whether to ask her next question. "Have you, er, heard from him at all?"
"Remus?" Molly asked unnecessarily. "We've had him for dinner a couple of times."
"And has he asked about me?" Tonks pressed. For some reason, she needed to know that he still cared about her, even if he didn't want to be with her.
"Don't give up yet," Molly said infuriatingly; she hadn't actually answered the question. "Maybe when all of this is over, when the world is a safer place, he'll be more willing to take the risk."
"But what if this is never over? Or what if we die before it is?!" Tonks exploded. She was fed up of being told to wait and see, that he might change his mind one day.
Molly just smiled at Tonks's outburst, patting her on the knee comfortingly. "I think maybe it's Remus you need to be having this conversation with, dear."
A/N: Thanks again for your support with this story! It feels good to be writing a multi-chap again :)
Allow me a tiny plea: if you're planning to favourite/follow the story, it would mean the world to have a little review to tell me what you thought!
