"Were you really sparring?"
Sakura narrowed her eyes. Gaara actually looked a little bit angry. Maybe even jealous, but she wouldn't let herself think that. "What else would we have been doing?" she asked.
To her surprise, Gaara laughed. "I don't know," he said. "You manage to get yourself into all kinds of trouble, don't you?"
"You trust Hideki-san to keep me out of it," she said, not quite a question, but she wanted to confirm what she already knew.
"Yes, and he's done a relatively good job of it."
She wanted to scowl and argue with him some more – there was always that urge to sass him, to reject his authority over her because she didn't need it. She didn't need his protection or a babysitter or to be kept out of trouble. She was entitled to be in trouble if she wanted to be. After all, she'd done a good job here in Suna, hadn't she? She had completed her mission, created the antidote, healed everyone she was supposed to have healed.
She had even gone above and beyond the scope of her duties with regard to everything that had happened at Turtle Rock.
Sakura peered at Gaara through her lashes. His arms were knotted over his chest – a position he seemed to favor. Perhaps he thought it gave him an aura of authority and dignity. Well, it did, but she didn't appreciate the conceited smirk on his face as he seemed to realize she was simultaneously admiring him and condemning him for his arrogance.
"He took me to see the oasis," she said, stuttered almost. Anything to fill the silence that had filled the air around them. She wasn't exactly sure what made her feel so uncomfortable standing out here alone with him. Perhaps it was because she knew how badly she wanted to kiss him again, and she knew exactly how much she shouldn't.
"I see," Gaara murmured. He looked surprised. "I imagine you were very fond of it."
"I was," she answered. "It was nice to see a little greenery. It reminded me of home."
"Hardly a week away from Konoha and you miss it that much already," he mused. "Are you homesick or that desperate to leave Suna?"
"I like Suna well enough," she said, a contrarian tone creeping into the edge of her voice.
Silence fell again and the sky was beginning to darken. A gust of wind blew swirls of sand around them, rustling their hair, scratching their skin.
"Sarabi wants to go back to Konoha with you," Gaara said, breaking the tranquility of the moment. "Taiyo wants that, too."
"I know," Sakura answered. "Sarabi wants to learn medical ninjustu. I think she will have an aptitude for it."
Gaara's lips twisted, though Sakura couldn't tell whether it was a look of annoyance or confusion. "I've spoken to Tsunade about her," he said. Sakura blinked in surprise. "She has agreed to take her in and teach her. She agreed that you would be the best mentor for her."
Sakura frowned, and seeing her frown, Gaara also frowned. "Is that not what you want?" he asked. "You promised it to Taiyo."
She flicked her fingers nonchalantly in his direction. "I was telling Taiyo what he wanted to hear," she said. "I was only trying to get you the answers you wanted."
Gaara's frown deepened. "So you don't want to take her back to Konoha with you?"
"Is that what you want?"
He was quiet for a moment, his lips pressed together tersely as he gathered the right words to say. The concern was etched into his features, coloring his eyes brighter. The warm light of the setting sun gilded his hair, already coppery but now rustier, tousled by wind and sand. She repressed the urge to reach out and brush her fingers along his forehead. She could control herself. She would because they had agreed to that and she wasn't so horny that just the sight of him standing in the sunset could undo her.
"No," he finally said. "I want her to stay here. I think she belongs here. She and I have a similar power – one I'd like to help her cultivate. I think she's best suited to stay here and learn what I have to teach."
Sakura said nothing, watching him with the same concern she found mirrored in his own eyes. She couldn't disagree with him. How could Sarabi not be better suited for Suna when she now possessed the same power to control sand that the Kazekage did? After all, she was still a native to these lands. This was her home.
"But she doesn't want that," Gaara continued. "I cannot force it on her. Besides, the world needs more people like you. You two are already very similar. I can just imagine how troublesome she'll be after a few years under your tutelage."
Sakura laughed, encouraged by his grin and the teasing nature of his words.
"Perhaps after she's learned all she can, she'll want to come back," Gaara said softly. Sakura could see the way it broke his heart that Sarabi wanted to leave.
"Do you… do you like her?"
His eyes snapped up to hers, blazing with something fiery and curious. "You mean the way I like you?"
Sakura nodded mutely, not trusting her voice. She shouldn't have asked such a thing in the first place because there was no acceptable answer to the question. She could internally admit that hearing that Gaara liked another girl would crush her. Maybe not like Sasuke's rejections had, but it was never pleasant to hear that a boy she was crushing on liked someone else. But if his answer was no…
If his answer was no, then that was all there was to it. It certainly didn't mean his feelings toward her were amplified in any way. They couldn't be, because he was the Kazekage and she was a Konoha-nin and these were both things they already knew.
"Baki warned me about hormones," Gaara said, his voice almost weary, defeated. "I completely disregarded him thinking no one would ever love me, so why would it matter? But in my short time as Kazekage, I have been loved by many. I've met men and women alike who adore me, as conceited as I'm sure that sounds. And of course, many of them prompted exactly the reaction Baki warned me they would – Sarabi included."
Sakura looked down at her feet, her face hot all the way up to the tips of her ears.
"Look at me, Sakura."
Obediently, Sakura turned her face toward him, red cheeks and all.
"You loved Sasuke," he continued. "Maybe you still do. Either way, you've got experience that I don't. I don't know if this is my teenage hormones or a crush or love or whatever else it might be. I think you're better equipped to answer that question. All I can tell you is that I don't feel for Sarabi what it is I feel for you."
"Stop," she croaked, the word nearly caught in her throat. "You're making me want to kiss you."
He smiled, but he also made a noise of sadness with the back of his throat. "I do care about Sarabi," he said. "If she wants to leave, then I'm glad it is with you because I trust you."
Sakura smiled at him, but it was weak.
"I know it is selfish, and possibly wrong," he said, "but I don't want you to leave either."
"I think that's just the hormones talking," she joked, though neither of them seemed to be in the joking mood.
"Perhaps," he agreed. "But either way, I believe I know how you feel with Sasuke gone now. I imagine you must miss him a great deal."
Sakura crossed her arms, shivering against a particularly strong gust of wind. The last drop of sunlight was quickly melting into the dunes, taking the orange glow of the day with it. "I think you're wrong about me being better equipped to know my feelings," she replied quietly. "I don't know what it is I feel for Sasuke. I never kissed him, but I have kissed you and that's my only frame of reference."
"Well, I suppose it's not love," he said with a grim smile. "Infatuation, perhaps. Hormones, definitely. But more than that, I just enjoy your company."
"Really?" she laughed. "It seems like I annoy you."
"You do annoy me."
She shot a glare in his direction, but then deciding that wasn't enough, she lunged forward and aimed a light, chakra-less punch at his chest. She expected his wall of sand, or at least an attempt at evasion. Instead, he caught her fist and uncurled it, pressing her palm against his chest just over his heart.
"What does it feel like when I touch you?" he asked. "I wonder if you feel what I feel. I'm always having to suppress the urge to touch you when you're near."
Sakura was sure she'd never felt her cheeks get so hot in her entire life. It wasn't just the frankness of his words, the undiluted honesty that came from never having been in a romantic entanglement of any kind. It was the way she could feel his heartbeat hammering against his ribcage, so quick and heavy that she was sure she could hear it over the whistling winds.
She was positive that if he pressed his hand to her chest he would feel a similar beat, an echo of his own metronome.
"I have to know, Sakura," he said, his voice low, but also cautious like he was unsure of himself. "Do you feel this electricity when I touch you?"
A little nervous and entirely consumed by her desire to kiss him, she pulled her hand away. "We agreed not to do this, Gaara."
His eyes were fixed on her neck, pupils dilated as he fixated on something there, something that obviously pleased him judging by the faint smile – not a smirk, but a genuinely dazed smile on his face. She reached her hand up to her throat and felt her pulse, erratic and out of control.
"Is this what Sasuke does to you?" he asked. "Is this why you love him so much? Are you chasing this feeling?"
Sakura shook her head vehemently. "Sasuke never made me feel like this."
"Feel like what?"
The question enraged her – he knew what the feeling was. He had brought it up himself. But she had to admit that it also turned her on that he wanted her to describe it to him, to say for herself what his touch did to her.
It was wholly inappropriate, though. She would be leaving to go back to Konoha soon and she shouldn't be mixing herself up in what she thought she had already disentangled herself from. But she could be honest while also pushing him farther away.
"Like I want to jerk off constantly."
Gaara blinked. His surprise didn't show in the wideness of his eyes but the subtle clench of his jaw, the way he swallowed and leaned the tiniest bit away from her. "That's how I make you feel?" he asked.
She didn't want to answer that. He already knew the answer, he just wanted to confirm, whether for his own ego or some other nefarious purpose, Sakura didn't know. Gaara didn't need to know that Sasuke had often made her feel that way, too, like she needed to touch herself to alleviate the pressure, the desire. It was true that she often thought of Sasuke like that, but it had never been reality that made her do it, only her fantasy.
But with Gaara she didn't have to fantasize, she could just remember the way his lips had felt against hers, the way their bodies had been pressed together in the darkness.
"Look at me," he commanded.
But this time she didn't have the courage. She couldn't raise her eyes to meet his, couldn't see the desire mirrored in his turquoise eyes. It was too hard, too tempting. Was he trying to crack her, to get her to break for him? Hadn't he agreed that this was something they absolutely could not do?
She wanted to shake her head, to tell him to fuck off because he was making this very hard and he must have known that.
"I have to go," she said instead, and took a giant leap up onto the wall before running back to her rooms as quickly as she could.
/
In the safety of her room, Sakura cried, weeping dramatically because it was so unfair that she could feel all these intense emotions and be powerless to do anything about them. It was unfair that Gaara would subject her to such things, that he understood exactly why their tryst was so wrong, yet he taunted and teased her like this anyway.
It was cruel of him to confess those things to her, to allow her to see exactly how much her presence affected him. Would she ever forget the way his beating heart felt under her palm? Was that what he wanted? For her to fall for him and never forget his touch, his kiss?
She could already attest to his pride, his need to beat Sasuke in the race for her heart. It wasn't like Sasuke was even running, but she could see how thrilled Gaara was at the idea that he could make her forget about Sasuke. He wouldn't be able to do that, Sakura thought as she clung to her pillow. Sasuke would always have a place in her heart and Gaara had yet to secure that.
He wouldn't secure it, she corrected herself. He wouldn't because she wouldn't allow it, wouldn't accept that he was going to win this desperate game he had created.
She couldn't help but think of Sarabi and the way Gaara's eyes had lingered on her, the way he had admitted to wanting her to stay here in Suna with him. She knew it was an irrational jealousy. She knew Gaara would never attempt anything with her after she had lost everything, including the man she had loved. He could barely even attempt something with Sakura, as inexperienced as he was with these kinds of relationships.
But still, her heart felt shattered, as ridiculous as that sounded coming from someone who had vehemently denied that there was anything going on between her and the esteemed Kazekage in the first place.
With a frustrated groan, Sakura rolled over onto her back and stared at the ceiling through watery eyes. How much longer would she have to stay in Suna and endure this suffering? Why couldn't she just leave now? Her part of the mission was over. No one needed her expertise for anything. They were only waiting on Shikamaru and the rest of the investigation. But what if she left now anyway? What if Shikamaru took Sarabi back with him when he was finished? Sakura was surely needed back in Konoha anyway – the hospital had to be sorely missing her presence by now.
She could already tell that the longer she stayed here to let her feelings fester, the more frustrated and bitter she would become. What if she started to fall for him? What if they inadvertently hurt each other in an irreparable way?
With a strengthened resolve, Sakura got to her feet, rubbing furiously at her eyes with her sleeve. She couldn't allow that.
/
Sakura banged on Gaara's bedroom door with a ferocity she didn't even know she had in her. She harnessed it, fueled it, hoping to use it to steel herself against his next possible assault. She wouldn't let him manipulate her or kiss her or touch her or whatever else it was he might do to reduce her to a quivering bundle of hotly lit nerves.
"Gaara, open up," she demanded, knocking her fist against the frame of his door.
It was late and she shouldn't have been knocking on his bedroom door at such an hour. She had only been there once before, when he had shown her the painting. It had been inappropriate to be in his room then, and it was certainly inappropriate to be there now, but she couldn't bring herself to care. She was too desperate to leave and if this was the quickest way to achieve that, so be it.
"Gaara!" she screeched, continuing to pound away at his door.
She heard a shuffling on the other side of the door and what she presumed was a frustrated groan. A moment later, the door swung open.
Gaara stood in the open doorway wearing nothing but a loose pair of pants. His eyes were bleary, his hair tousled, and his expression a mixture of concern and irritation. Seeing him half naked and half annoyed brought another surge of emotion up to her throat and she squeezed her eyes shut to prevent any of the stupid tears that were burning under her eyelids from falling. What the hell was she even crying for? She suddenly felt like such an idiot.
"What's the matter with you?" he demanded. Her eyes were still screwed shut, but she could hear how annoyed he was. She had interrupted his sleep and she knew how precious sleep was to him, how little of it he got on a regular basis. She felt guilty, but this was necessary for her sanity.
She sucked in a breath, but held it until she was sure her voice wouldn't waver. It was useless, she knew. He could already see that she had been crying – was still crying. But she didn't want him to hear it in her voice, too.
"Sakura, what's wrong?"
She exhaled and opened her eyes. She didn't like hearing the concern in his voice that melted away the frustration she knew he still felt. She didn't want there to be anything about him she admired or found charming. For a moment she felt that maybe she was being too dramatic. After all, there was hardly anything going on between them at all. Just a few innocent flirtations and a couple of kisses. Why should she get so worked up over something so small?
But she knew herself well enough to recognize the signs or impending doom. She had felt the same way about Sasuke before he had left Konoha. She wasn't going to make that mistake again – it would be too painful. She needed to extricate herself from the situation as quickly as possible.
"I want to go home," she said. "Now."
Gaara's brow furrowed and he rubbed at his eyes, still wearing a sleepy expression on his face. "Now?" he asked.
Sakura nodded. "Yes, right now."
He glanced over at the clock beside his bed. "It's the middle of the night," he said. "Can't this wait until morning?"
She shook her head. "Please," she said. "I have to leave. I just figured I'd tell you instead of trying to sneak out. I'm no good to you anymore anyway. You're still got Shikamaru. He can take Sarabi back with him when he's finished here."
"You can't go back by yourself, Sakura," he said. The sleep was fading from his eyes now, but his expression was still hard to read.
"Then I'll take Hideki-san," she supplied. "Or Temari."
"Don't be selfish, Sakura," he replied. "I'm not going to wake them up in the middle of the night. If you want to leave so badly, you can at least wait until morning."
Sakura clenched her jaw and her fists, trying to determine the most tactful words to say to get her what she wanted.
"Is this because of what I said to you earlier?"
She glanced away from him, repressing the fresh wave of tears. She had never felt so stupid in her life.
"Why are you crying?" he asked. It was demanding, but also still somehow soft, which was all the more reason to be annoyed by it. "I'm really sorry," he continued, "if you're crying because of me. I never intended to upset you."
What could she do now? How could she leave after what he had said? He was right, of course. It was selfish to wake up Hideki or Temari in the middle of the night just so she could get away from Gaara. But she still didn't intend to stay one more night in Suna. It was a risk to her sanity.
"If you tell me why you're upset, I will do my best to fix it," he bargained.
"You can't fix it," she snapped. "I'm upset because I don't want to go through what I went through with Sasuke with you. It's painful and ridiculous and being away from you is the only way to avoid it. It's too hard to stay here, especially when you say things like you did earlier. And god, you're fucking half naked now, like this isn't already hard enough for me."
"Well, you did come to my bedroom in the middle of the night," he argued. "I don't know what you expected."
Sakura crossed her arms and huffed. Her tears were drying, but they were replaced by burgeoning rage.
"Look, Sakura," he said. "I understand your frustration. You think I don't feel it, too? I agree that this is a tempting situation we find ourselves in, but you can't just leave in the middle of the night."
"How could you understand my frustration when you were just flirting with me a few hours ago?" she demanded. "We agreed that nothing could happen between us, but then you said all that stuff and it's just too hard to hear all that and not act on it."
"I shouldn't have said that stuff," he agreed. "I'm new at this, too, you know. Maybe you're just stronger than I am."
She didn't feel stronger than him – not while he seemed so composed and she was still a trembling mess.
"I want to clear up something, though," he said. "This is nothing like what you had with Sasuke. I reciprocate your feelings, even though I realize I shouldn't act on them. I understand your pain now, and I will take that into consideration moving forward. I guess I didn't understand how much this would affect you."
Sakura looked down at her feet, not knowing how to respond. She wasn't entirely sure that he had the right idea. It wasn't the nature of their relationship that made it similar to her situation with Sasuke. It was the fact that neither of them were attainable, that she'd have to pine for them from afar. It didn't matter that he reciprocated her feelings, even if that made a warm bubble swell in her chest. All that mattered was that it couldn't be.
"I will arrange to have Hideki take you home first thing in the morning," he said softly. "You can manage one more night here, can't you?"
She didn't think so, but she felt that admitting that would be a tad dramatic. She felt rather foolish for having come all the way to his bedroom in the middle of the night, blathering like an idiot and crying. She probably looked atrocious, soaked in her own tears.
She nodded, too ashamed to meet his gaze even though she was dying to see the look on his face. She didn't think she couldn't handle it quite yet.
"I wish you would reconsider," he said after an awkward moment of silence. "If you still want to leave in the morning, I'll understand, but I hope you decide to stay."
"Why?" she demanded. "What's the point?"
"Come on, Sakura, why are you acting like this?" he asked. "I think you're being a bit overdramatic. Would it really be so bad to just miss me? You've endured much worse. And besides, it's not like I'm going anywhere. You could always come visit me. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill."
Her natural instinct told her to snap back at him, but she fought the instinct because she knew he was right. She was being dramatic and there was no reason for it. He didn't deserve to have her wake him up in the middle of the night to yell at him just because she couldn't handle her feelings. After all, he was feeling them, too.
"You're right," she said. "I'm sorry I woke you up."
He huffed with amusement, which was a bit uncalled for. He knew her propensity for sass, so he should have known better than to provoke it – especially after this tortuous conversation.
"It's okay, Sakura," he murmured. His tone was entirely too soft and comforting, velvety like a warm blanket she could just cocoon herself in and fall asleep. Perhaps he was aware of the smoothness of his voice, the gentility that seemed to placate her and make her drowsy. When she dared to look back up at his face, she got caught in a detour, her eyes veering instead to the hard muscles of his chest and abdomen, the impossibly unmarred skin there.
She bit her lip apprehensively, curling her fingers into loose fists lest she reach up and touch what was not hers to touch.
"Let me walk you back to your room," he said. She glanced up at his eyes and found them heavy lidded, though it was obviously not from drowsiness. He had watched her blatantly ogle him, which was her fault and not his, but Sakura couldn't bring herself to care. She was tired and wanted to go back to bed before things got out of hand again.
"Okay."
/
AN: I know some of y'all were probably salty that Gaara and Sakura didn't interact much in the last chapter, so I dedicate this chapter to you. Don't be too mad at Sakura for being a drama queen.
