regrets
Written for the Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition, Round 5 for Puddlemere United.
Beater 1 Task: use the title of a story written by your Beater 2 for inspiration. Title used: love is all around (that does not make it good)
Prompts: (word) eternity & (dialogue) "I should've told you sooner."
Written for HPHG - prompts used - (word) unexpected, (emotion) jealousy, (dialogue) "I'm not so sure about this." / "Just trust me," (word count) 1450, (weapon) axe
Thanks so much to my beloved wife for betaing and helping me with the hphg wc prompt, and thanks so much to June for betaing. You're absolute loves.
Word Count without A/N's: 1,450
("I should've told you sooner."
Those words would forever be in Blaise's mind. They were on his mind during their time at Hogwarts, they were on his mind during Theo's wedding, and they only came out during Theo's funeral.
Love could blossom into a flower, or it could spiral something that hit you on the inside, like an axe.
And the latter is what applied to Blaise.)
In first year, Blaise entered Hogwarts with his best friend by his side. Sure, he had other friends, but he felt that Theo was the only one that truly understood him.
At that time, he didn't truly know his feelings. They were eleven after all, and Blaise had never even thought about the concept of being gay.
At that time, things were easy. He was carefree to the world. If a genie came, telling Blaise that he could be granted three wishes, his ultimate wish would be to just go back to that happy, simple time.
In third year, things started to spiral down for Blaise. Third year was when Blaise began noticing things. Third year was when he started questioning himself. While he himself had a rocky summer, he could safely say that Theo's summer went well. More than well, if he were to be honest with himself. He changed so much, both physically and mentally.
He couldn't be attracted to another guy, could he? That was just… wrong.
As the year progressed, it was clear that 'wrong' didn't matter; he grew more sure of his sexuality—and he came to terms that he had a crush on the person in the world he felt knew him the most.
Blaise also had to keep in mind one thing, one thing that he knew: Theo didn't have any of the same feelings he did. He knew that for a fact, because Theo always pointed out to him whenever he saw a cute girl—and Blaise pretended to act interested, but in reality he wasn't.
In the end of the year, he decided that over the summer, he'd forget all about this so-called crush.
(All he needed was to forget about this. It was just a crush. And didn't everyone crush on their best friend at some point?)
In fifth year, all he felt was jealousy. He'd spent fourth year just enjoying himself in his friends' company, and ignoring his so-called 'crush' on his best friend. It was fake, he told himself, even during the night of the Yule Ball, when he tried pushing the image of how hot Theo looked in his suit.
He had a girlfriend now, Daphne Greengrass. And Daphne was everything he could want from a girlfriend. She was pretty, she was charming, she made Blaise laugh, and Blaise liked spending time with her. Just… not like that.
Theo also got a girlfriend that year. Tracey Davis. Who was pretty, and who made Theo smile, and who made Blaise feel this anger that he's never felt before.
He wasn't really angry at Tracey, though—Tracey had been Blaise's colleague for their Hogwarts duration. Blaise felt more angry whenever Theo would hang out with Tracey instead of him. Or when Theo would come back to the dorms, a stupid smile on his face, utterly in love with Tracey… Blaise thought about how unexpected that was. Just last year, Theo had told him that he didn't even want to be in a relationship.
And then, near the end of the his fifth year, Blaise realized that he was jealous. He realized that he liked Theo. He realized that this was not just a crush. Whatever this was, this was love.
Which had meant he was definitely gay. Or at least bisexual.
Either way, he ended fifth year by breaking up with Daphne.
In seventh year, Hogwarts was a different place. Their lives had taken turns, turns for the worse—but they knew that as well.
Blaise had to look at the different turn that he took in his life every day. His life had fallen apart completely. It was right there, dark and blaring, on his arm, which he covered in his long sleeves.
(The Dark Mark, which he was forced to take to protect his mother from being killed.)
Theo and Blaise contrasted in many different ways. Theo managed to stand up to his father, stand up against the Mark. 'He has nothing to worry about in terms of protecting family,' Blaise thought bitterly. Theo's mother was dead. His father was easy to hate. While Blaise's relationship with Daphne had barely lasted a year, Theo and Tracey's relationship was still going strong, and the jealousy in Blaise only multiplied tenfold.
(And the thing was, because of Blaise's… situation, he and Theo's friendship was impacted, so he barely even had that anymore.)
A lot of people in the world have a desire to fall in love. Blaise had one piece of advice for those people: be careful what you wish for, because that could end terrible, one-sided, and unrequited. Draco had some idea of what he was going through, at least the Death Eater aspect of things. Having a family that you have no idea how to protect. But not the love aspect of it all. Nobody would know that, he decided. Nobody.
The school was barely a school. The Carrows practically ran the school, having people Crucioed for so much as saying something a little off.
(It made him sick.)
('Screw love,' his brain told him harshly. 'You've a war to get through.')
When it all ended, Theo ended up being the one who spoke for him at his Ministry trial, and Blaise couldn't have been more grateful. They'd rekindled their friendship, and they carried out their childhood dream, which was to work in a famous potions company. It involved countless hours of training, but they had each other, and that was all that mattered.
The pair had completed eighth year and gotten a flat together, and Blaise had gradually learned to bottle up his feelings. After all; his friend was in a loving and committed relationship. Who was Blaise to snatch that away from him?
He'd once considered telling Theo, and playing it off as a joke. He thought about that many times, but decided wholly against it. 'Don't ruin it,' he'd tell himself sternly, remembering that horrible time in seventh year; the time when he and Theo barely even had a friendship.
He'd tried to see other people, to get a feel of what'd it be like in a relationship instead of loving a person who was already in love with someone else, but all of those relationships never ended well, because he couldn't see himself really, truly, falling in love with them.
(But he'd accepted his fate by now.)
Years later, Theo and Tracy's wedding was a small event attended by an exclusive few, and Blaise was to be the best man. As he stood by Theo at the altar, he knew this was it—any previous feelings he had about his best friend had to leave for good.
The wedding march played, and Tracy and her father were walking down the aisle together, her face beaming, the march getting louder and louder—
(And then the lights, screams, and thuds happened.)
Blaise didn't really know how it played out. All he remembered was those terrible lights, followed by Tracey's screams, and Blaise had turned around in concern, before he realized that nothing was wrong with her.
(However, his entire world had stopped when he realized who was dead on the floor. His best friend, the light of his life, the boy who he loved, was now gone for an eternity.)
(More than ever, Blaise wishes he'd just told Theo, even if he'd most likely get rejected. At least Theo would then know how he feels, and now he'd never even get the chance.
Back before they even went to Hogwarts, Blaise was always the more confident one out of the pair, always eager to jump into new things, while Theo was more cautious in things he did.
'I'm not so sure about this,' he'd always say, and Blaise would reply back, 'Just trust me.'
But the roles had switched sometime in their years of Hogwarts, where Theo had grown into a brave, confident person—who was able to stand up to his father and get into a really great relationship. In contrast Blaise couldn't even tell his late best friend that he liked him, with the exception of his funeral, where the words 'I love you' had finally escaped his lips.
'And now,' he thought, as a tear rolled on his face, 'I'll have to deal with that for the rest of my life.')
A/N: I'm ultimately sobbing, because this is my last QL entry in some time as I take a step back to focus on school and a bunch of other rl factors. It's been real, Puddlemere, three seasons (well, two and a half), and two years. I love you all, so, so much, no matter how long; when you've been a Puddle. Thank you, Ash, for inviting me to this, because it's been amazing.
Please R&R :)
-Ana
