Gaara sat at his desk, his hands steepled together. Two milky white orbs were perched on a piece of parchment in front of him. Three sets of eyes stared down at them, each accompanied by a stern frown.
Hesitantly, Gaara picked one up, smoothing his thumb over the glassy exterior. It was almost like a marble, he thought. Its weight was pleasant in his hand, and if he weren't already certain that it was his student's eye, he might have tossed it into the air and caught it like a ball.
He set the orb back down on his desk, glancing furtively at the white-haired man who sat across from him. Taiyo was silent, his mouth set in a grim line. Gaara had yet to explain to him what had happened out in the desert, but he seemed to recognize what these orbs were. The somber mood in the room seemed to suck any ounce of life out of Kankuro, who sat just to Taiyo's right.
"What am I looking at here, Gaara?" Kankuro asked, leaning forward to reach for one of the orbs.
Gaara smacked his hand away. "Wait for Shikamaru," he said.
Silence settled into the cracks of the room again, deafening in that way that tenseness often is. Gaara could see the strain in Taiyo's neck and the tight lump that had formed in his throat. It was as much emotion as he had ever seen on the stoic man's face.
The door clicked open softly. Gaara drew his attention back up to Shikamaru, who wore a frown to match everyone else's as he made his way over to Gaara's desk.
"What's going on Kazekage-sama?" he asked, his voice deep and serious.
"The beast is gone," Gaara said curtly, opting for a direct approach. He needed information quickly.
"Gone?"
"Dead," Gaara clarified. "At least I think."
"You mean you're not sure?" Taiyo asked.
Gaara glanced over at him, afraid of his reaction to the news he was about to share. "The beast became sand and disappeared," he explained. "I can't be sure that he's really dead, but I know what I saw."
"Impossible," Taiyo snapped, his face contorted with rage. But then his features softened and it was with desperate hope that he locked eyes with Gaara, searching for the truth. "It just turned to sand?" he asked, "and disappeared?"
"I'm afraid so."
Something in Taiyo snapped and he slammed his hand down on the table. In a room full of shinobi, it wasn't too startling, but the vehemence itself was unexpected from Taiyo. He was usually such a reserved man. Seeing his reaction to this news didn't quell the sinking feeling in Gaara's stomach.
"Where is Sarabi?" Taiyo demanded, rising to his feet. Gaara could see his hands trembling and a range of emotion from rage to fear to sadness flickered behind his milky eyes.
Gaara swallowed the painful lump in his throat. "She also turned to sand," he said, trying to keep his voice steady, "and disappeared."
"What?" Kankuro asked, getting to his feet as well. "You mean she's gone, too?"
Flustered by the questions, the attention, the lack of knowledge he had about what was going on, Gaara nervously glanced at Shikamaru. The Leaf-nin was frowning, but he gave Gaara a reassuring nod when their gazes met. Gaara suddenly understood his sister's penchant for this odd man. He did have a calmness about him, and he was certainly clever. Gaara didn't want to think about all the ways in which Temari and Shikamaru were well-suited for one another.
"How could you let this happen, Gaara?"
Gaara bristled at Taiyo's tone and his disrespectful lack of an honorific. "You keep blaming me for problems that you caused, Taiyo," Gaara snapped, getting to his feet as well. He flared his Kage robe out around his legs and stepped out from behind the desk. "Do you think I wanted this to happen? You knew what happened to Sarabi down in the catacombs, and in the dunes with Sasuke, and now this. You know what that glow means and you've purposefully hid it from us. You're going to explain what's going on to me, right now."
"You've done nothing but meddle in my people's business," Taiyo said, his voice raised to a near shout. "It wasn't enough that you had to kill everyone in the catacombs, but now you've taken Sarabi from me, too!"
"Don't talk to the Kazekage like that," Kankuro said, already circumventing Shikamaru to reach Taiyo. He clapped a hand roughly down onto Taiyo's shoulder and pulled him a few inches closer. "I suggest you apologize and start explaining."
Gaara glanced up at his brother, grateful for his support.
"The light," Taiyo said, his tone shifted now to something more mocking and cruel, "is the beast's way of finding his chakra."
"Wait, what are you talking about?" Shikamaru asked, now intrigued.
"The beast is powerful, of course," Taiyo explained, "and we did very much fear and respect it at first."
Also intrigued, Gaara gestured back to the chair beside his desk. Taiyo obligingly sat down, but Kankuro hovered over his shoulder. Gaara was appreciative of the intimidation tactic as he took his own seat behind his desk.
"So you've been lying to us this whole time?" Gaara asked.
"Controlling the beast was the only way to protect my people," Taiyo said calmly. "There were many who loved and respected the beast, but I knew it for what it was – a resource. We needed the light, the chakra. We needed it to build the catacombs and find food. The monoliths and the ritual were both traditions of our people, a rite that I now understand a little better having lived in Suna for so long."
"Understand it better how?" Shikamaru asked.
"I understand chakra theory," Taiyo said. "I understand that what we did was suck the chakra right out of that creature and store it in our own vessel. And now I suppose that instead of choosing a mouthpiece, it was only trying to get its chakra back."
"You must have known this would happen," Gaara pressed, leaning forward to hit Taiyo with the full brunt force of his glare. "When did you figure all this out and why didn't you warn us? You could have saved Sarabi."
Taiyo clenched his jaw, seething. "You're the Kazekage, remember?" he asked haughtily. "You know what's best for everyone, don't you? You said you could teach Sarabi to control her powers. You said you could protect her from the beast. You act like you're a great leader, but you're really just a child."
The reality of the situation hit Gaara like a splash of cold water. Taiyo had trusted Gaara to protect Sarabi, to help him figure all these things out. He hadn't wanted for Sarabi to die either. He was just as upset about her death. He had every right to be upset with Gaara.
Heaviness settled in Gaara's chest. He sucked in a deep breath, pushing down the swell of emotions that threatened to break him from within. This was all his own fault.
"I'm sorry, Taiyo," Gaara said softly. "I let you down."
Taiyo's mouth was set in a stern line, but at the sound of Gaara's softly admitted words, his ire melted. Gaara watched in horror as Taiyo's face contorted with pain and he buried his face in his hands to let out an awful, heart-wrenching sob.
Uncomfortably, Kankuro took a step backwards and Shikamaru glanced toward the window – anywhere but at Taiyo who continued to sob into his hands.
"She was all I had left," he cried.
"I know," Gaara said, unsure of what else to say. He still needed to address Sarabi's eyes and the strange text the beast had left for them to decipher, but he couldn't ask Taiyo about those things now.
"We will have a proper funeral for her, Taiyo," Gaara said.
Taiyo had nothing to say in response to this. Gaara wasn't sure there was anything he could say. Instead, he reached forward and gripped one of the two orbs in each hand and then stuffed them into the pockets of his Kage robe.
"Kankuro, please take Taiyo back to his rooms so he can rest," Gaara ordered.
Kankuro gave a curt nod before helping him to his feet and escorting him from the room. Taiyo didn't lift his head to acknowledge Gaara on his way out, but Gaara was grateful for that. He wasn't sure he would have been able to look Taiyo straight in the eye in that moment.
When it was just Shikamaru left in his office and the door had been shut, Gaara reached into his desk drawer and pulled out the parchment with the beast's drawings. He splayed it on his desk in front of Shikamaru with a frown.
"We still need to figure out what this means," he told Shikamaru. "Can I leave this task to you for now? I have a lot on my plate at the moment."
Shikamaru nodded somberly. "Of course, Kazekage-sama," he replied, folding and pocketing the parchment. "In fact, I think I may be close to a break-through."
Gaara felt himself relaxing a little now that he was finally presented with just the tiniest bit of good news. "Thank you," he said sincerely. He almost wished that Shikamaru would decide to stay here instead of going back to Konoha, so that both he and Temari could stay. Having Shikamaru around wasn't so bad.
"And I'm sorry for your loss, sir."
Gaara twisted his lips up in a grateful half-smile. He could tell without seeing it that it appeared more like a grimace.
/
Sakura wasn't in her rooms. When Gaara couldn't find her there, he searched in his own rooms, expecting to find her nestled in his bed or curled up by his window. When he couldn't find her there either, he called for Hideki. He had already begun to pace the wings of the palace looking for her when Hideki responded to his call.
"Yes, Kazekage-sama," Hideki said, bowing low and awaiting his orders.
By now Hideki had already learned of Sarabi's death. He had been informed the moment Sakura, Temari, and Gaara had returned to the village. No one had quite had the time to process that information yet, so Gaara was cautious with his language.
"Do you know where Sakura is?" Gaara asked, pressing a comforting hand to Hideki's shoulder.
Mutely, Hideki shook his head. Gaara wondered if he could feel Sarabi's death as acutely as he did. Did knowing that she was gone make his head swim and his stomach sink? Had Hideki been close enough with Sarabi to miss her now?
"Could you help me find her, please?" Gaara asked.
The expression on Hideki's face was blank, but there was a definite flash of concern in his eyes that made Gaara feel a sharp stab of guilt.
"I'm sure she's fine," he insisted. "I just can't find her."
"Of course, Kazekage-sama. I'll find her for you."
/
Gaara had given up after searching the entire palace for her. He had reached out with his chakra and was unable to locate her chakra signature nearby. When that didn't work, he had tried to search for the orb of sand he had given her so long ago. Unfortunately, he could sense that sand packed away neatly with the rest of her things in her room, where she was definitely not located.
He forced himself not to worry or believe that this was somehow his fault. Perhaps she had been so disturbed by his actions that she no longer wanted to see him. Maybe she blamed him for Sarabi's death. Her apprentice's death, he remembered with a heavy sigh. He wouldn't blame her if that were the case. He was rather disappointed in himself, too.
It was these thoughts that kept him from panicking. Of course there was very little trouble for Sakura to get herself into now that the beast was dead, but he couldn't put anything past her.
Finding himself at a loss for what to do or how to feel or who to turn to, Gaara sat perched at the top of the guard tower, dangling his legs off the edge like Temari had done just a few days prior. He gazed down at the spot where Shikamaru had been sparring with Sarabi before.
With a sigh, Gaara shut his eyes and pressed his forehead into the metal rail. He could feel a lump of emotion in his throat. There were tears brimming behind his eyes, threatening to fall. Gaara had been consumed with sadness before. It wasn't like he was a stranger to the emotion. But somehow now it felt far too hard to reign in his sadness.
He had failed Sarabi. She was dead because of him. He should never have taken her out to Turtle Rock. Temari had been right – she wasn't prepared for something like that. He should have trained her more, taught her to fight and to understand chakra theory. He should have made sure he knew enough about the beast to fight it before heading straight for it and putting Sarabi in harm's way.
The tears that spilled out of his eyes were hot and slick against his cheeks. He angrily rubbed them away, feeling foolish and ashamed.
"Gaara?"
Startled, Gaara glanced over at the ladder where Sakura was climbing up into the tower. Gaara stood, brushing the remains of tears from his cheeks. "Sakura," he murmured as he rushed over to pull her into his arms.
She allowed him to pull her against his chest, but she was rigid.
"Are you okay?" she asked, pulling away to look at his face. "Hideki said you were looking for me."
He was hoping that her presence would somehow calm him, that seeing her face would bring him the kind of joy it usually did. He was surprised to find that looking at her red-rimmed eyes and wet cheeks only made him want to cry harder.
"Oh, Gaara," she said, reaching up to touch the wetness under his eyes. She sounded far more sure of herself than Gaara currently did. Though her cheeks were still wet, she was no longer crying.
Gaara leaned into her touch, shutting his eyes so he didn't have to see her face. "This is all my fault," he whispered.
"No," Sakura said. "No, it isn't."
He could hear her frustration in her voice, but he didn't want to open his eyes and see the sadness that he caused there.
"Gaara, please look at me," she begged. But he just couldn't. "It isn't your fault, Gaara. You couldn't have known what would happen. You were trying to do the right thing. You were trying to protect your village."
"But I didn't," he snapped. "Sarabi is dead because I was careless."
Sakura's silence was loud. Fearing that he'd hurt her even worse, Gaara opened his eyes to look at her.
She was glaring at him.
"You aren't to blame for Sarabi's death, Gaara," she insisted. He didn't agree. "If anyone is, it's me."
But he certainly couldn't bear to argue with her over something like that. He was just grateful to have her here in his arms again, even if he had caused her a great deal of pain.
Though he dared not admit it aloud, he was relieved that it had been Sarabi and not Sakura. As much as it hurt to know that Sarabi was dead, he couldn't even stomach the idea of Sakura dying. How could he possibly cope with something like that?
He couldn't. He knew. It was going to hurt like a bitch when she left – especially now that Sarabi's death was part of the equation.
He tangled his fingers roughly in her hair and crushed his mouth against hers, kissing her like it would be the last time. For all he knew, it might have been. She was going to leave soon.
She was pliantly understanding, letting him kiss her with bruising force. Her hands found their way beneath this Kage robe to press against his chest, fingers digging into his tunic. He could feel her delicious, calming chakra. It didn't take away his anguish, but it steadied his hands and loosened the tightness in his ribcage.
"Sakura," he murmured as he pulled away from her. "I am so sorry."
She was painfully and stoically silent, her mouth stretched into a grimace. Gaara felt a stab of irritation with her for repressing her emotions like that around him, and he felt annoyed with himself for feeling that way.
But then her face contorted in an almost ugly sort of way (as if anything about Sakura could be ugly) and she burst into tears.
Gaara pulled her closer, smoothing her hair down so he could tuck her head underneath his chin. Comforting others was not a skill Gaara was exactly competent at, but somehow his hands found their way to the right places. He rubbed soothing circles in between her shoulder blades with one and cradled her head with the other.
And she cried for a long time. He lowered them both to the ground and allowed her to lean against his side, turn his face into his neck, and cry. He couldn't have measured the amount of time he sat there, soaking in her sorrow, letting each of her sobs wrack both of their bodies.
When he noticed the moon now hanging quite low in the sky in the wake of the sun's orange glow, he pictured Sarabi's round, pale face. He reached into his pocket, fingering the milky orb nestled safely there.
What could it have meant that her eyes were spared like this?
Sakura pulled away from him, her eyes puffy and red, but dry now. He'd be surprised if she had any tears left to cry at this point.
"What is that?" she asked.
He pulled the orb from his pocket, swallowing the dryness in his throat. Sakura took it from his open palm, her face contorting again like she might cry. But not even a dry sob escaped her. She pulled far enough away from him that she could look squarely in his eyes, and Gaara was startled to see a little anger there.
"Why is her eye in your pocket?" she demanded.
Gaara was alarmed by her tone and didn't fully understand why she would be angry. He didn't know why he had pocketed her eyes. It had just seemed like the right thing to do. He reached into his other pocket and pulled out the other.
"Was I supposed to leave them stuffed in a dark drawer somewhere?" he asked softly, offering the other eye to her.
Sakura greedily snatched it from his palm, clutching both eyes to her chest. She squeezed her eyes shut. Gaara watched as she composed herself, reigning in a fresh wave of tears. It was gut wrenching to watch her struggle with so much pain. She had already dealt with so much of it with Sasuke, and here Gaara was doing nothing but making it worse.
He hated himself so much for it. He should have known better. He should have listened to his gut before and avoided any kind of romantic entanglement with her. Perhaps none of this would have happened if he had been focused on Sarabi and the beast instead of cavorting with Sakura.
"I want to take these to the lab," Sakura said, her voice now commanding and stern. "I'm going to analyze them, see what we can figure out."
"Of course," Gaara answered immediately. "You can have them."
He regretted those words as they spilled out of his mouth. It was only natural for him to give Sakura anything she asked for – especially in her current state. It made him think of the two gold stud earrings in yesterday's tunic pocket that he had yet to give her. How could he deny her anything after all the pain he'd caused her?
But he wasn't quite sure he wanted to let Sarabi's eyes go. They were still part of this whole beast debacle, which meant they were a Suna artifact – even more precious because they were a piece of Sarabi, a physical thing he could remember her by.
Yet how could he ask for them back now that Sakura had them in her hands?
"It's going to be okay, Gaara," said the girl who'd spent the better part of the night crying. Gaara nearly laughed at her, but he wondered what catharsis she'd experienced in letting herself cry out all her emotions like that. He'd thought it had been awful and painful for her, but maybe she was better off for it.
And she was right. It would be okay. Death was just another part of being a shinobi. Sarabi wasn't the first person he'd lost, and she would certainly not be the last.
Next time he would do a better job of protecting his people. Next time he would prevent this at all costs.
/
"Would you like some tea?"
For the first time in several hours, Gaara looked up from the splay of parchment on his desk. Temari stood in his doorway, holding a steaming cup of tea and a fruit pastry. She cautiously made her way to his desk to set down her gifts, her eyes darting first over his face and then over the pages revealed on his desk.
"Thank you," he said, reaching for the tea to take a sip. He couldn't remember the last time he had eaten, but the thought of food made him feel queasy. "Has Shikamaru figured out anything new?"
Temari was silent in response, her face unreadable to most, but Gaara could see the reluctance there. There was something she wasn't telling him.
"Spit it out, Temari," he said, intending to sound furious, but sounding rather weary instead.
"He hasn't found anything yet," she snapped, but Gaara didn't believe it for a second. "How is Sakura doing with those eye things?"
Gaara shook his head. He had no idea. He hadn't spoken to Sakura since they'd departed from the guard tower that morning. She had gone straight to the lab to analyze Sarabi's eyes, in spite of Gaara's protests that she needed to rest, or at least eat something.
"You really need to eat something, Gaara."
Gaara narrowed his eyes at his sister and released a shuddering sigh. "Just tell me what it is that Shikamaru found."
"Maybe you should just go talk to him," she advised. She reached across his desk and snatched up the piece of paper closest to her – a copy of the markings the beast had made in the sand. "Why are you looking at these by yourself anyway? Taiyo and Shikamaru are in the archives. Wouldn't you rather be looking at these with them?" she asked.
"I'd honestly rather be alone right now," he said far more dryly than he'd intended.
Temari hissed and dropped the paper back onto Gaara's desk. "Fine," she said. "I'll just get out of your hair, then."
With a repressed eye roll, Gaara reached out and grabbed her wrist. "Wait," he said. "I'm sorry. Thank you for bringing me breakfast. You don't have to leave."
Temari's frown deepened, her brow furrowed over her green-grey eyes. She looked conflicted for a moment but then she sat down across from Gaara and settled her gaze squarely on him.
"I think you should go talk to Taiyo and Shikamaru," she said.
"What are you not telling me?" he asked.
"I know you, Gaara, and I know you're probably blaming yourself right now for Sarabi's death," she ventured, her stern gaze revealing none of the emotions she must have felt. "What happened to Sarabi was not your fault. It wasn't Sakura's fault. You're a good Kazekage."
Feeling a sudden swell of anger at his sister for hiding whatever it was she knew, Gaara leapt up to his feet, nearly knocking over what remained of his tea.
"I'm going to the archives," he said brusquely, waiting for one second to see Temari's face before he left.
She was as stoic as ever, her legs crossed delicately and her hands folded neatly in her lap. She was always insufferable like this. Couldn't she be understanding, just this once? Couldn't she just tell him what he wanted to know?
"Leave my office," he said to her.
The command was uttered gently, but Temari was unused to received commands like that from Gaara. Her face faltered, revealing a crack in her mask. There was concern, fear, anger, sadness, far too many emotions to understand in the one second Gaara was allowed to see them before Temari's expression became stone again.
Without a word, she stood up and walked out of his office. Gaara followed.
