A/N: Thank you beautiful readers for all your feedback. You are as wonderful as a headache bowl served fresh at the hearth to treat a hangover! This chapter starts with another flashback - the second of three.

Now, back to the island...


.-.-.

Some Bright Morning
11. in the far off great forever

.-.-.


"Objection!" The grey-haired lawyer clears his throat, glaring over the top of his wire-framed glasses. "Savannah … are you really going to ask him to speculate on this?"

"Yes, Peter … I really am." Savvy meets his eyes across the table, one eyebrow just slightly lifted, what one of her partners calls tiger-before-the-pounce. "Are you really going to continue to make speaking objections, or should we conduct ourselves under the Rules?"

He folds back into his chair. "Thank you," she says mildly, and turns her attention back to the witness. "Mr. Llewelyn, you can answer the question."

A flash on the table next to her catches her eye – it's her blackberry, lighting up with an incoming call. She has the device out only for timekeeping purposes, and it normally wouldn't distract her, but it's Weiss. He almost never calls her during the day without checking in first; with both of them tied to their blackberries, they stick to email or messages left with each other's secretaries.

He would have called her office first and Bertie would have told him she's in a deposition. So if he's calling her cell phone now…

Something could be wrong. Something must be wrong.

She forces herself to focus on the witness's answer to the question, jots down a followup, and then calls for a quick recess.

"Off the record at 5:16," the court reporter announces, and Savvy picks up her blackberry and exits the conference room with a quick nod to her associate to stay behind with their materials.

She ducks into a breakout room and dials her husband back.

"Weiss? I'm still in a depo, is everything all – wait, what?" She grasps at the blackberry as if it has answers. "No, I didn't get any messages."

Her fingers are searching for something, anything, now to fiddle with as nervous energy starts to overtake her. There's a landline in the middle of the table; she settles for twining the coiled cord around her fingers, watching her skin redden and whiten in turn. It reminds her of the calls she and Weiss used to make to each other in college, flat on their beds in their separate dorms, pulling on the receiver to get comfortable,

Their phone was pink. She brought it freshman year and Addie teased her about it but they still had it on graduation day and when they packed up and separated the phone left with Addison.

"I didn't call the office for messages, no." Her mind is racing as she tries to make sense of what he's saying. "Bertie would have – but I don't understand, honey. Where is she now?"

She twines the cord faster, watching her skin change color.

"And you called Derek? I know, you said, but have you tried – oh, you did." Her heart is thumping. "Weiss, I don't know what I can do. We have an hour left on the record, and I really can't – right. You can?" She breathes a sigh of relief.

"Thank you, honey – I know I don't have to, I want to." She tucks the blackberry between her neck and shoulder, twisting her rings around her left hand. "You're on the way? Let me know when you get there. I'll come as soon as we're finished and – okay, so just email and tell me where you are."

"And, Weiss?" She swallows hard. "Tell Addie I'm coming, okay? Tell her I'll be there as soon as I can."

She composes herself quickly and returns to the conference room. Peter, his associates, and his client haven't returned.

"Savvy, is everything okay?"

She brought a mid-level with her today to second chair; she's bright and competent but as much as it's killing her not to be able to show up, Savvy needs to finish taking this deposition herself.

"Everything's fine, Lauren." She nods briefly. "Make sure Exhibit 12 is prepared when we go back on the record."

It's okay. It has to be. It's not the same as last time. It's been years …

And anyway, she'll be there as soon as she can, she reminds herself. In the meantime, Weiss will show up. He always does.


.-.-.


She's sitting on the edge of the dock, legs dangling, when Boswell and Derek approach her together, which is surprising enough to keep her from greeting them with anything more than a squeak.

Bos offers her a hand up and she takes it, not missing the flash of annoyance on Derek's face.

"Ready for your next assignment?" Bos grins at her.

"Definitely." She glances through the merciful shade of the sunglasses at Derek, who looks far less enthusiastic. And then he balks once Bos has provided instructions.

"Picking up trash on the beach? But there's no trash on the beach," Derek says with confusion. "No one in your family would do that."

"So he does learn sometimes. Even if he's slow." Bos actually looks impressed. "Addie, you'll explain it to him?"

"We pick up the seaweed to confirm it's not trash," Addison recites dutifully.

"That makes no sense."

"Neither does drinking so much white lightning you almost miss breakfast," Bos points out mildly.

Once Bos has left, Derek grumbles most of the way to the beach.

"How many more jobs are we going to need to do to repent for our hangovers? Amy got less community service when she threw a brick through the window of a police station!"

Addison smiles at that, and Derek glares at her. She fiddles with the hem of her lightweight shirt, fighting conflicting feelings. They're stuck together on the beach now – there's no way to take turns here, not like with the dishes, and Derek's hostility toward her, however deserved, is making her feel like crawling out of her skin. That itchy feeling, that desperation, never leads to anything good.

At the same time, she's hating herself for wishing they could recapture their closeness in the warehouse before her phone call ruined everything.

Derek is studying her like he knows what she's thinking. "How was your conversation with Mark?"

"I didn't pick up the call, actually," she says in a small voice.

"Not on my account, I hope."

"Derek…"

"What?" His tone is cold now. He doesn't sound like he really wants the answer to that question.

"Derek, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, and I've told you how sorry I am, and I'll keep telling you. It was a mistake."

"A mistake." He shakes his head. "Are you totally incapable of being honest?"

"That's not fair."

"Why is your mistake calling you, then? Why are you living with your mistake?"

She wants to lower her eyes but he's pinning her with his gaze, his blue eyes so intense that she doesn't look away.

"I … can't sleep alone," she whispers, hating how pathetic it sounds, but Derek knows, he knows even if he doesn't know why, not all of it, and –

"That's not enough," he says simply, and turns his back.

"Derek, wait." She chases him down the beach. "Just … listen to me for a second. Please," she says shakily. "Eleven years … you can give me five minutes."

"Fine." He turns around, his expression making perfectly clear he's not that interested in what she has to say.

She takes a deep breath before she starts talking, then leans down to pick up a long, thin stick. Rubbing her thumb over its uneven surface, she uses it to trace a line in the damp sand close to the water. She glances up at Derek. "You remember how we'd spend anniversaries at the Hamptons house and we'd always write our initials in a heart in the sand?" She smiles a little at the memory. "You'd always want to wait until the waves had smoothed it all out before we left the beach."

"Erased it, you mean?" He glances at her. "I guess that should have been a sign."

She takes a deep breath, lets the hurt wash over her and back again like the waves they're still watching.

"Derek … we had something good. You know we did. Don't try to poison it now just because you hate me."

"You poisoned it when you screwed my best friend in my bed, Addison."

"So that's it? You'll never forgive me?"

He stares out at the ocean without responding.

"Derek … you never did it, though."

"Did what?" He bends to lift a shell, inspects it.

"Filed for divorce."

He winds up and throws the shell into the water, hard. They both watch it skitter and sink.

"So?"

"So was it because you were too busy with your girlfriend, or because you … or some part of you anyway, still wants to be married to me?"

"Do I seem like I want to be married to you?"

"No." She draws another line in the sand with the pointed stick. "But since you asked ... you didn't before I slept with Mark either."

"Ah, I was waiting for you to tell me this is all my fault, Addison. You've always been good at taking responsibility."

She swallows at his coolly sarcastic tone. "That's not what I – look, Derek, you know how I said Meredith is … the anti-Addison?" He doesn't respond, so she just barrels forward. "I get it, Derek, I get why you would want that but … that's not what I was doing with Mark, okay? I missed you. Mark was just … there, and I missed you, and I wish I hadn't done it and yes, I … stayed with him after you left but he was all I had!"

She stops talking for a moment, trying to catch her breath.

"You were the one I wanted. But you stopped seeing me. You stopped being there, you stopped … and I tried to fix it, Derek, I did…"

"Tried something other than sleeping with my best friend, you mean?"

"Yes." She presses her fingers underneath her eyes, trying to forestall tears. "I did, I … do you remember when I came to your office, and I … "

"Addison."

"Derek." She takes a step closer to him. "I swear I wasn't trying to destroy our marriage, when I did what I did, I wasn't even thinking. I was lonely and I was – I needed … someone, and he was there. But you were always the one I wanted. I regret what I did, but I tried to hold our marriage together before Mark, by myself, and it was hard, Derek, it was freaking hard. I needed you, and you weren't there."

"Needed me for what?"

"How can you ask that? You're my husband."

He opens his mouth, then closes it again, seemingly thinking better of saying something. When he does speak, his question surprises her.

"Why do Savvy's brother and cousin keep talking about you and the island like there's some big secret?"

"I don't know what you mean," she says uneasily.

"Okay, fine. Forget I asked. Keep secrets, don't be honest with me. And then complain that I'm not there for you, whatever that means."

"It means something." Her voice shakes a little. "Look at Savvy and Weiss-"

"We're not Savvy and Weiss."

"No, we're Addison and Derek." And when he doesn't correct her and say Derek and Addison, she has to swallow hard. Somehow, it hurts more than any of his cutting words. "Let's look for more trash," she chokes out, and moves past him to scoop up a handful of dried seaweed.

.-.-.

They don't speak any more than they have to while they comb the strip of beach closest to Reeds; Addison sees Savvy in the distance by the dock when they're finished and uses it as an excuse to leave Derek in the sand.

"Sav!"

"Finished serving your sentence?" Savvy smiles at her and they walk together onto the dock, sitting together much the way Addison sat alone before their beach service.

"We did. We're officially not shameful anymore," Addison says. "Well … by island rules, anyway."

Savvy nudges her gently with one shoulder. "Bos said the two of you looked pretty cozy in the warehouse."

Addison looks down at her hands in her lap. "Yeah, that was … temporary. Now he hates me again."

Savvy doesn't say anything; she's patiently waiting for an answer. Addison knows it's a technique – she's even heard Savvy tell her why it works – but she's too tired to avoid being lawyered right now. "Mark called," she admits. "Derek saw his name and took off."

"Oh, Addie." Savvy shakes her head.

"It was the worst possible timing. Before Mark called, for just a minute it actually felt like Derek…" her voice trails off. "I guess it doesn't matter. Sav, forget about us, how are you doing with-"

"No, we can talk about me afterwards," Savvy says firmly. "We're talking about you now. Addie … how did you leave things with Mark? Before you came out here, I mean."

"I don't know how to explain it."

"Try," Savvy suggests.

"I was staying with him," she says slowly. "Not living with him, not really. Mark's not – I mean, you know how he is," she adds.

Savvy nods.

"Derek left," Addison says softly. "He left me and didn't tell me where he went. I didn't know what else to do. Derek didn't want me. And Mark did. Or he said he did, anyway."

Savvy doesn't say anything; Addison stirs the cool water with one bare foot, guilt churning within her.

"Addie … what do you want?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're telling me what Derek wanted and what Mark wanted. What does Addison want in all this?"

She blinks. "I guess I don't know."

"Then I guess you should figure it out," Savvy says gently. "Because even though Mark may be a player, he's still a person, and so is Derek, and so are you, and all three of you deserve to figure out what's going on here so you can stop hurting each other and move on."

"I screwed everything up." She rests her head in her hands, suddenly unable to bear the glare of the sun on the water. She feels Savvy's hand on her back, rubbing gently. She gives her some time before she asks her next question.

"Do you still love Derek?"

"Yes, of course. I think ... I don't know."

"Do you want to be with him?"

"I don't know, Sav, I don't know which Derek it would be. The last year when it was just me in the marriage? Or the Derek before then?"

"He's just one Derek, honey."

"Maybe … but it wasn't just one marriage."

"Marriage changes, Ad. It evolves. For us too."

"Weiss is different. Weiss shows up. He always shows up."

"Derek was like that, Addie. You know he was, before, just not when– "

Addison lifts a hand but Savvy shakes her head, an assurance she's not about to bring up painful memories.

"Do you think you gave him a real chance?"

"What do you mean?"

"Honey, he can't show up when he doesn't know-"

"He knew! He knew. How many times did Weiss call him?"

Savvy looks guilty. "We told you he …"

"…was in surgery and couldn't be interrupted? It wasn't believable, Sav, you and Weiss might be brilliant lawyers but I know how hospitals work better than you do. Plus … I heard you and Weiss talking about it."

"Oh, Addie, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry if we made things worse."

"Worse? You wouldn't know how to make things worse, Sav. All you've ever done is make things better."

Savvy's blue eyes fill with tears. "You're not supposed to be making me cry, Ad, remember? You're supposed to be cheering me up."

They turn on the wooden dock and embrace, resting their heads on each other's shoulders and quietly sharing strength.

"Good choice of me as your friend, then … I'm always so cheerful." Addison pulls back and tucks a lock of Savvy's hair behind her ear, softening her sarcasm.

"You were a good choice, Addie, every time."

Now it's Addison's turn to get teary-eyed. "I don't think Derek would agree with you there."

"You hurt him," Savvy says simply. "Look, Addie, I'm on your side for life. I would drive your getaway car-"

Both of them stop talking for a moment as the conditional mood of the sentence turns over in their minds.

"The point is," Savvy continues, "I am here for you, Addie, and I always will be, but my god, what it must have done to him to walk in on you and Mark."

"I know." She covers her face with her hands. "Savvy, I know, it was so horrible. I'm horrible."

"Can you imagine if you'd had walked in on him with – well, with your best friend?"

"Do you mean you, or Naomi from med school? Both are horrifying in slightly different ways."

"You're deflecting." Savvy nudges her gently again. "You're not the only one who's hurting, Addie."

"He says he's not hurt, he's angry."

"Just because he says something doesn't mean it's true." Savvy pauses. "Have you thought about being honest with him?"

"What do you mean?"

"All he knows is that you slept with Mark. Does he know why? Does he understand what the last couple years were like for –"

"He was there."

"Was he?" Savvy sighs. "Maybe just be honest with him, Addison. Maybe just consider it. Give him one more chance."

"It's him who won't give me another chance."

"Maybe. Maybe it's both of you."

"And you, Sav? How do you feel?"

"Well, I need to go out on a boat and scatter my mother's ashes tomorrow – so I've been better. And Augie … " Her eyes fill with tears. "She gets mad if I try to talk about It."

Addison shakes her head. "I can't imagine what she's going through."

"She's so young. Even Aunt Cee was forty-eight. And it was so hard for Augie, losing her mama like that and she was already a teenager. Minna's so little, still a baby, really."

"Savvy, it's not over. Augie's fighting."

"I know. I'm just … scared. And with my test results-"

"A positive result doesn't mean cancer, Sav."

"I know what it means, Addie. And I know what I want to do about it. And I also know my husband doesn't want me to have the surgery."

"It's just a shock for him. It's hard to think about. Weiss loves you."

"I hope so."

"Savvy, you know he loves you."

"I know he loves me, I just hope he loves … me and not just – well, me." Savvy gestures ruefully down at her body; she's wearing a long loose sundress with gathered legs, so that it's something of a jumpsuit but much prettier and filmier than that; Savvy always looks beautiful and now is no exception, her long blond hair is loose and soft around her face, her tired eyes shining crystal blue in the sun. She skims her hands over the curves of her body with a sigh.

"You and Weiss were nineteen when you met," Addison reminds her gently. "Neither of you looks like that anymore. We all change and we'll keep changing. Actually, I think you both look better. Weiss discovered hair products –"

"You'd know about that," Savvy teased, "being married to Derek."

"And you stopped teasing up your bangs."

"Hey, teasing up my bangs was very fashionable at the time."

"Oh, you pulled it off, Sav. You could pull off worse – and you have – but I'm just saying."

"If I had the surgery, I'd go through menopause."

Addison nods.

"I know you know, you've done it with … patients, I'm sure a hundred times but for me – I just don't know, I think maybe that's what scares him most of all. That we wouldn't grow old together – that I'd grow old without him, while he's still … young."

"Or what scares him is that he doesn't want to lose you."

"Maybe we have different definitions of what losing me would be."

"Maybe," Addison says, "but I'm not sure you're giving Weiss enough credit."

Savvy smiles softly, brushing at her eyes before a tear can fall. Addison squeezes her shoulder. They were seventeen when they met, teenagers, and Savvy has always had the exact same expression when she wants to change the subject.

"By the way … " Addison nudges her and smiles. "Derek says he wants to meet Bos's wife." She lifts an eyebrow.

"What?" Savvy laughs. "Okay … you made me feel better."

Addison sees tears come to her friend's eyes. "You know, Addie, I love this place, I really do, but I don't want to be back here for Augie. I don't want Weiss back here for me, sitting on the hat and telling stories about me. I'm sorry if it's disrespectful to Mama or Aunt Cece or even Augie, but I want to live.

Her voice is louder now, it echoes across the water, so powerfully that Addison shivers.

"I want you to live, Savvy. You will live. You're the most alive person I know. I've thought that from the moment I met you. You have every reason to fight, however you choose to fight. Don't give up."

"Yeah." Savvy shakes her head. "And take your own advice too, Addie. Don't you give up either."

"Sav."

"You and Derek … you were meant to be."

"Savvy, don't-"

"The island doesn't lie, Addie, and the island isn't wrong. I may not know much but I know that."

Savvy wraps an arm around her shoulders. Her words churn in Addison's mind as they sit together, feet in the water, watching the far off fishing boat that's seeking their dinner.

They stay like that until Weiss arrives to tell Savvy her cousins are looking for her. Alone again, Addison walks along the beach she and Derek were responsible for cleaning. She's surprised to see him fifty feet or so away; he turns and sees her too.

Have you thought about being honest with him? Give him one more chance.

The breeze off the water lifts his dark curls and their messiness sends a tender rush through her. Unable to keep herself from smiling, she raises her hand in a wave.

He looks right at her. And then turns and walks the other way.

.-.-.

Waving reeds tickle her ankles, and she welcomes the distraction from the tightness in her chest. She had to get away from the beach, from Derek, but the reminder of how badly she screwed everything up. Now she needs something, anything, to make her stop feeling. White lightning is out, and there's only one other thing can she can think of to numb the pain.

"Addison! You finally got phone service out there on Gilligan's Island?"

"Sorry I didn't get back to you before," she says, phone tucked against her ear, twisting the rings on her left finger with her other hand.

"No sweat. You holding up okay?"

There's a woman's voice in the background, a giggly one, and she hears muffled speaking as Mark presumably moves the phone away from his mouth.

"Who's that?"

"No one," he says easily.

"Well I hope no one remembers to take her cheap lingerie with her this time so the colors don't run on my laundry again."

"You're such a snob," Mark laughs. "Tell you what, I'll pass on the message if you'll actually do your own laundry."

"I do my own laundry," she scowls. "…sometimes."

"And yet you never do mine," he deadpans, "even though I bought that French maid outfit for you and everything."

She can't help smiling. This is Mark's gift, and it's worth finding stupid red lace panties in the bed they share, it's worth walking in on him at the hospital, because when he's teasing her in that low, rumbling voice that promises so much more, she actually doesn't feel sad. She doesn't feel anything.

She needs the rest of it too – the rest is what numbs the pain, and he can't give that to her long distance – but this is definitely helping.

"I know you've had some disturbing sexual fantasies, Mark, but that's one I'm never going to fulfill. No matter how many foot massages you give me."

"Oh yeah? How about if I massage something else?"

"You can massage whatever you want," she says coyly, "especially if you do that thing with your –" and then she stops talking abruptly.

Derek is standing feet away in the reeds with a murderous expression, looking like he wouldn't mind drowning her.

"I have to go, sorry," she mutters, clicking the phone shut.

"Derek," she says quickly, words tumbling over each other. "Listen, I know what it … but it's not … I mean, I was just…"

"I know what you were just doing." His lip curls. "You're unbelievable."

She searches his face for any memory of the man who used to love her.

"You hate me, Derek, you don't want me around, excuse me for wanting to talk to someone who actually likes me."

"Liking to screw you isn't the same thing as liking you," he says coldly.

"Well, you didn't like either one by the time you left me, so I don't see why you care." Her voice shakes.

"I don't," he says simply.

"Then why-"

"The weather's changing. That's what Savvy said anyway, she sent me to come tell you dinner's in the shelter instead of the hearth."

"Oh." She glances up at the greying sky.

"Phone sex while your best friend is getting ready to bury her mother." He shakes his head. "After everything you said about how we're supposed to behave on the island. I guess presenting a united front isn't as important as whoring around?"

Her free hand flies up to slap his face almost of its own accord, but he catches her wrist with lightning-quick reflexes before she can make contact.

When she tries to pull free, he tightens his grip, holding her hard and glaring at her.

"Don't tempt me," he says grimly.

She quails a little under his cold gaze. This is nothing like their play fighting in the warehouse, splashing each other with bubbles, the teasing way they'd wrestled for control of the faucet. But he's still Derek. He wouldn't … she knows he wouldn't, but…

"Derek," she says weakly. She won't say please, but…

He just shakes her free with a look of disgust and stalks off toward the path.

She sinks into the reeds, holding her knees close to her chest. The sharp little tips of the plants are biting into her bare legs and she welcomes the physical discomfort. A fat drop splashes on her hand as she holds the phone. She looks up to see gathering clouds, a darkened sky.

As soon as her hands stop shaking enough to press the numbers, she calls Mark again, but he doesn't pick up this time.


To be continued. I know this isn't the progress we'd want, but they wouldn't be Addek if they didn't make things difficult for themselves and each other. This was a talk heavy chapter, I know - lots of action coming up in the next one. Want to read Chapter 12 soon? You know how to feed the machine - review! Pretty please with some white lightning on top?

Chapter title from When They Ring Those Golden Bells.