ChApTeR fOuR – How do I decide? What should I do?

Disclaimer


"Crying is all right in its way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do."
C.S. Lewis, The Silver Chair

It took Tsuna almost two hours before he finally left his room. As he walked down the stairs, the framed memoirs from his childhood caught his gaze. He looked at one picture in particular, one when he was around Teruko's age, with his mother's arms around his shoulders, her chin on his head as they smiled at the camera. He remembered when they took that picture. He was feeling down that his father had cancelled on them AGAIN, so his mother decided to take him out to the carnival that came to their little town that day. It was really fun. Just the two of them. "What's wrong with you?" his father asked and Tsuna turned to see the man looking at him with an unreadable expression. It was the first time in years since the man actually initiated a conversation between the two of them. Ironically though, when Tsuna finally got the one thing he wanted from his father, his attention, he didn't want it.

"Reminiscing" Tsuna said, his voice hoarse from all the crying he had done upstairs. He had screamed into his pillow for half an hour straight.

"Huh…you sound kinda funny. Puberty hit already?" his father asked with a cheesy grin on his face. Tsuna rolled his eyes. The hate he had for his father had evaporated that night when he witnessed his 'death'. Sort of…Maybe…Probably?

"What's going on?" his father followed up and Tsuna whirled his head towards him. "Come on, even I can see that something's wrong with you, Tsuna" his father said and he reached out his hand to ruffle his head as he often did when he was little, but the limb stopped in mid-air at Tsuna's gaze. Iemitsu released an embarrassed cough before he retracted his hand away from his son.

"I just….never mind" Tsuna said and Iemitsu frowned. He could see that Tsuna was stressed out, the bags under his eyes were evidence enough.

"Maybe-…." Iemitsu was saying when Teruko wobbled towards them. His attention already had been swept away by the little girl.

"Yeah" Tsuna sighed as he walked away. When Iemitsu had finally realized that he had forgotten about his son, the boy had already left.


When Tsuna entered the kitchen, his mother was sipping a cup of chamomile tea while his grandfather had a cup of green tea nestled in his hands. The two seemed to have been speaking when Tsuna entered, though the conversation ceased once the boy sat down. They saw how he treated them warily. "Would you like something to eat, Tsuna-kun?" his mother asked as she brought her cup to her lips, watching him with careful eyes.

"No thanks" he said with a frown. His grandfather took a big gulp of his steaming hot tea without so much of a flinch.

"You sure took your time getting down here, Tsuna-kun" his grandfather said as he placed the cup on the table. Tsuna didn't reply. The three sat in a tense silence for a while, before he decided to break it.

"I called Kyoko-chan. I'm going over to her house" Tsuna said while he played with his fingers.

"You do know what will happen if you include her in all of this, right?" his grandfather asked as his black eyes piercingly held him down. Tsuna resisted the urge to grimace and just nodded.

"I don't even want to include myself in all of this, of course I won't tell her" Tsuna said as he quickly got up from his seat. "So, can I?" he asked his mother.

"Of course you can!" the woman chirped and Tsuna couldn't find it in himself to look at her. Now that he accepted that he came from a family of killers, the betrayal, left him with a raw hurt. How could his mother deceive them all? How could she pretend to be that warm, loving…..Tsuna shook his head as he walked off. "Tsuna-kun" she called and the happiness from her voice drained only for a shrewdness to remain. "Be careful" she told him as goose bumps rose on his skin.

"Yes" he said and ran out of the room as fast as he could.


Tsuna walked down the street, his head bowed. He could hear people dashing around him, trying to get their early Christmas shopping done, families holding hands together, children his age laughing and playing together, while Tsuna walked alone. He felt lost even though he knew exactly where he was going. He had taken the long route to Kyoko's house so he could clear his head a bit. He thought that the cold air would help, but if anything, it made things worse. His thoughts were murkier than before as his mind replayed all the events of last night and that morning. His family were killers and they wanted him to be a killer too. "I can't even…." Tsuna was saying aloud when a kid ran into his legs. He looked down at the boy who seemed to be Teruko's age. "Are you okay?" he asked as he stooped down. The boy with one of the friendliest smiles he had ever seen, nodded.

"Takeshi-kun, where are you?!" a woman shouted in a panic and the little boy smiled at Tsuna before he ran off to meet his mother. Tsuna watched the two as they interacted and when the mother had looked up with a grateful grin on her face, he knew the boy must have told her about him. She waved at Tsuna who awkwardly returned the gesture and Tsuna watched as they walked off. They reminded him of his days with his own mother. Days of falling down (which he never seemed to outgrow) and soothing kisses. While his father was never around, his mother was always there for him. Yet….all of it was a lie….Tsuna sighed again and snuggling into his scarf, he decided that it was time he got to Kyoko's.


"When you called me crying, you had me worried" Kyoko said to him as soon as he knocked on her door. He sheepishly smiled before she hugged him. "Don't scare me like that idiot" she muttered in his jacket. He knew he was an hour late in arriving at her house, and he knew that she was indeed worried. She pulled away and before he could notice, she wiped her face. "Come on in. Dad is at the supermarket and Mom is making us lunch" she said as she pulled him inside. As he took off his jacket, Kyoko's little brother, ran towards them.

"Onee-san's friend!" the boy said as he gave the air a few jabs. "Fight me!" he shouted and before he could attack Tsuna, Kyoko stopped him with just a hand on his head.

"I see that he's still in love with Rocky" Tsuna chuckled and Kyoko rolled her eyes at him as she gave Ryohei a little pat on his bum.

"I curse the day that Dad brought home the DVD" Kyoko ruefully said before she looked down at her brother. "What did I say about attacking people?" she asked him and he pouted.

"Not to" Ryohei said as he kicked his feet a little. Kyoko ruffled his head and he beamed at her.

"Good boy, now go back and watch your show" Kyoko said and they watched as the boy ran off, shouting about extreme Digimon was.

"He's energetic as ever" Tsuna commented and Kyoko snorted. "Mrs. Sasagawa" he immediately said as he bowed. The woman who held the same caring eyes as her daughter, politely smiled at the boy.

"Tsuna-kun, it's so nice to see you" the woman wearing the very pink, frilly apron over her clothes said. She moved from behind the counter and kissed his cheek. Kyoko laughed at the blush on her best friend's face. "If you don't mind, I'm making curry" she added as she returned to her original spot.

"Anything is fine, Mrs. Sasagawa" Tsuna said and the woman chuckled as she resumed her task of cutting vegetables.

"Come on" Kyoko said tugging his hand and he followed her into the living room, where Ryohei was shouting with one of the characters on the television. "So, what's wrong?" she bluntly asked. Ryohei didn't even seem to notice their presence.

"I had a bad dream last night" Tsuna lamely said. He had been mulling over what he should tell her without telling her. What should he say, um, hey Kyoko did you know that my mother is from a family of shinobi and they want me to be part of their clan? Yeah, Tsuna wouldn't have believed him either.

"And…?" Kyoko asked as she lazily lounged on the floor. "Come on, I know there's more to this than just a bad dream" she added as she scrutinized Tsuna.

"Don't you even want to know about it was about?" Tsuna asked and Kyoko rolled on her stomach.

"Tell me" she demanded and Tsuna rolled his eyes at her.

"I dreamed that someone….no something…killed my dad" he whispered and her eyes dramatically grew wider.

"What?!" she yelled and he cringed. Ryohei's head snapped in their direction. "Sorry about that, Ryo-kun" she apologized. The boy narrowed his eyes before he continued watching his favourite television show. She sat up and moved closer to him. "You dreamed that your father was killed?" she asked him, though her eyes were on Ryohei, just to see that he wasn't listening to them.

"Yeah" Tsuna breathed out and lay down on the floor, as he watched the ceiling. "That's not even the worst part. It turned on me and Teruko-chan" he murmured and Kyoko who was leaning on her propped elbow, glumly shook her head.

"Wow" she said as she dropped herself besides him, their shoulders brushing against each other. "What happened after that?" she asked him, her hands crossed on her belly.

"We ran to my room but it wasn't enough. It broke down the door" he said, flashes of the nightmare started to haunt him. Kyoko watched as he covered his eyes with unstable hands.

"It's okay" she said and Tsuna released short breaths as though he was trying to calm himself. He kept telling himself that he cried enough….

"When it entered my room, it went for Teruko. I was too damaged to do anything so I told it to take me instead" Tsuna said and Kyoko ran relaxing circles on his arm. "When it was close enough, I took a piece of wood and stabbed it in the head before I woke up" he explained and he looked at her through the cracks that his fingers made. "It just felt so real" he told her. Kyoko ran her hand through his hair, something her own mother did for her whenever she was sad and Tsuna leaned into the touch. "I just….it was too real" he repeated before his emotional walls broke down. He didn't even care that she had to hold onto to him again as he cried. All that he needed, Kyoko silently gave to him.

"It's going to be fine" she whispered to him and thanked her mother who carried Ryohei out of the room so they could be alone for a while.


When he gotten a grip of himself, Kyoko's dad returned from the supermarket. He was an older version of Ryohei, in fact Tsuna always joked and said that when Ryohei grew up, he would look just like his father. "Honey, I'm home!" the man loudly pronounced as he stormed into the house. His already excited eyes grew more excited at the sight of Tsuna. "Tsunayoshi!" the man warmly greeted and without even asking, the man grabbed up Tsuna in a hug. "It's been some time, hasn't it?!" he laughed as he placed the boy back onto the floor. Tsuna looked up at the muscular man and bowed.

"Hello, Mr. Sasagawa" Tsuna said and Kyoko's father just gave him a hearty laugh as well as a rough pat on the back.

"Tsunayoshi is as stiff as ever, eh Kyoko-chan?" he asked his daughter who he also hugged. Kyoko giggled.

"I don't think he'll change, dad. He can't help it" Kyoko said as Ryohei crowded their father. Despite the fact that it wasn't an insult, Tsuna felt offended. Not because of the way she said it, rather because it was true. Tsuna tried to force the bile down his throat, turning his attention back on the Sasagawa family. The man playfully mirrored the jabbing motion Ryohei performed before he pulled the boy in his arms.

"Ah, you're home, dear" Kyoko's mother said as she walked in, untying the apron from her waist. She kissed her husband and smiled as her daughter as well as Tsuna blushed.

"That's gross" Kyoko said and her father just pulled her in the family hug. Tsuna stood on the side line, watching them from a far, wondering about his own situation. Despite the fact that his mother lied to him….the truth was….she did it to protect him, to protect them. But even if he decided to join the family, the strength they were offering, would he want it? Yes he hated how weak he was right now, but should he sacrifice normality for strength? When the time came, would he be able to kill? To take up a knife and run it through a living and beating heart? Would he be able to lie like his mother? To pretend? Would he be able to live with the price of living such a life? Should he just continue to live as he was? Weak and 'Dame?' Tsuna hadn't even noticed that Kyoko's father, mother and brother had left the room, until Kyoko called out to him. "Are you okay?" she asked.

"If you were given the chance to change, would you?" he asked her and despite the odd question, Kyoko smiled.

"I think we all would" Kyoko said and he looked down at his feet. "Tsuna-kun, even if I said that, it really doesn't matter, you know that right? Your decision, whatever it may be, all depends on you. Rely on this, rather than this" she said pointing to his heart and then this brain. Tsuna felt his throat tighten with the mess of emotions he felt. "Come on, let's go eat" she pulled him and he allowed her to. Maybe she was right….


When Tsuna got home, just as he was taking off his jacket, sharp metal was threateningly pressed under his neck, right above his Adam's apple. "Where are they?" the man whispered and when Tsuna started to shake, he laughed. "I can't believe that the infamous-…" he was saying when something shiny fired through the air. The blade nicked Tsuna's ear before it implanted itself in the man's nose all the way to the back of his cranium. Schlick! Thud! A geyser of warm crimson drenched Tsuna, the rusty liquid flowed from his hair, down his forehead, to his nose, lips and cheeks. His mouth opened but not even a rumour of a shriek could leave his throat. It was when he looked up and saw his mother's face, did he find his voice again. And boy did he scream.


A/N: So yeah….Takeshi and Ryohei has emerged and I made Ryohei the younger between himself and Kyoko. Because if I left him as the oldest out of the two, when it was time for him to become the Sun Guardian, then he would be….too old. And I didn't want him to be as old as Kyoko and Tsuna was, so I made him as young as Teruko is.

More explanations are coming.