ChApTeR fIvE – Make your choice
Disclaimer: KHR does not belong to me nor will it ever
"The right choice is hardly ever the easy choice."
―Rick Riordan,The Throne of Fire
Tsuna's chest burned as he dry heaved on nothing but air. His fingers were numb and his face felt hot as he took a step forward. He didn't know whether to sit down or to run. His legs wobbled and seized up. His grandfather caught him just as his knees buckled. "Let…" he was saying when he caught sight of his hands clutching on his grandfather's kimono. Crimson sticking to soft blue material sent his head spinning.
"I need you to stay calm, Tsuna-kun" the man murmured but Tsuna wouldn't hear it. He tore out of his grasp and staggered forward. His shins slammed against the steps. "You need to remain…" his grandfather was saying as Tsuna wailed. He was going to glare at the older man when he saw the dead man's face forever frozen in a distraught cry. Eyes rolled back in his head, all white and gaping. His nose red and fleshy, a knife where his nose once was. Shredded skin. Muscles and bones on display.
"Kam….UGH" Tsuna threw up right where he stood, his hands flat against the surface of the wall. He felt someone rubbing his back but all his concentration was on the acid and gravel in his throat.
"Tsuna-kun" his mother said when the last remnants of his stomach spewed out of his mouth. Her voice only served to remind him of the Shinigami he had seen some moments ago, the woman who didn't hesitate in killing someone. He recoiled from her touch and treaded up the stairs. "Tsuna-kun!" she shouted at him but he continued forward without looking back.
"Leave him. We need to clean this up before Iemitsu and Teruko comes back" her father said whilst taking out his cell phone. "We're going to need Shinsuke's help" he muttered and dialled the number of the one man he knew who would get the job done.
Tsuna ran into the bathroom without bothering to take off his clothes. He hurriedly pushed his way into the shower and flipped the switch on. His fingertips grazed against the tiles, leaving red trails in his wake. "Get it off" he whispered to himself as he tore his t-shirt off of his body. "Get it off" he repeated as he scrabbled at the buttons on his pants, but his hands wouldn't stop shaking so he left them. When he saw a piece of his reflection on the sliding door, he scrubbed his head, painfully tugging at the roots of his hair. His knuckles dug into his skin as the hot water poured down on him. "Get it off…" he fanatically hissed as his fingernails scraped against his skin, angry welts ran down his neck. "GET IT OFF!" he sobbed as he slid to the wet floor, his skin flushed with the steaming water. He banged the back of his head against the wall and closed his eyes. "Just get it off" he begged but no one could hear his desperate plea especially as he passed out where he sat.
When Tsuna woke up again, the night had already bled into day and he was back in his room, on his bed. His neck, arms and chest was wrapped in white bandages. "You gave us quite the scare" his grandfather said but Tsuna didn't say anything. It felt like deja vu, seeing the man sitting on the chair in the corner. "When I found you unconscious in the shower, let's just say you nearly gave your mother a heart attack" he chuckled.
"How can you pretend like any of this is okay?!" Tsuna shouted as he clutched at his sheets. His grandfather's' mouth closed. "This isn't normal. You're not normal" he venomously released at him.
"I was never normal, nor was I given the chance" his grandfather said, and for a fraction of a second, he swore he heard regret. Tsuna kept quiet, glaring at his comforter with unshed tears. "The same goes for your mother" he added, watching as Nana said goodbye to her husband who was leaving for another one of those trips of his. He wasn't even concerned when he heard that Tsuna had fainted again (another lie Nana had told him) when he got back from the mall with Teruko. (He had insisted he buy something for his daughter before he left so he went with her to the mall to get her something). "When we were even younger than you were, we were given the same choice. In fact…" he said as he pulled the curtains close before he sat back down. "…when I was just seven years old, for my first initiation test, my old man placed a rusty knife in my hand and then locked me in a cage with another kid. He told me that if I wanted to survive, all I had to do was kill the girl who I grew up with, my very first friend" he finished, a rue smile playing on his lips. He could still remember that day. Back then, he was as wimpy as his grandson was.
"Your…..friend? You had to kill your friend?" Tsuna asked, the tears falling on the bed.
"Your mother never had it easy as you did either. For her first test, she had to kill her friend as well. Her dog, Yoshi" his grandfather said. Nana never quite forgave him for making her kill the husky.
"I can't do this" Tsuna said as he lay back down, pulling the covers over his head. "I'm not like you two. I'm….not a killer" he whispered, his back now turned to his grandfather.
"There's more to this than just killing, Tsuna-kun. I thought that you would understand that by now" his grandfather said.
"She killed a man!" Tsuna shouted as he threw the covers off the bed. "She killed him" he hissed.
"If she didn't, what do you think he would've done with you? He was ready to kill you to gain an upper hand on us, don't you know that? She protected you with her blade" his grandfather said and Tsuna stubbornly looked at the door, biting down on his teeth. He hated that his grandfather was right.
"I understand. Swear to Kami I don't want to….but I understand" Tsuna softly said as he sniffed.
"So then why are you still fighting against this? Why are you behaving like this is the worst thing that could happen to you?" his grandfather asked. Tsuna couldn't even help the guttural laugh.
"You're serious right now?" Tsuna asked as he regarded at his bandaged arms that were lined with self-inflicted wounds. "You're talking about murder" he whispered with a condescending tone. "When was murder ever good?" he asked.
"If it means saving you and Teruko-chan" his grandfather told him and Tsuna glanced at him. "Knowing what you know now about us, do you really think we wouldn't have enemies? People who want to kill us and wouldn't hesitate to use you two children to get to us? Like that man tried to do last night?" he asked and Tsuna jumped when he slammed his cane on the floor. "I'm going to give you until mid-day until you give me your answer" he said.
"I don't want-…" Tsuna was going to shout but the man stopped him.
"Before you make your decision, let me ask you something. If one day when your mother and I aren't around, if you remain as 'Dame-Tsuna', do you think you would be able to protect your little sister?" he threw out at him. Tsuna couldn't even look him in the eyes, all he could do was curl into himself, trying but failing to stifle body rattling sobs. "Think about it" he whispered before he walked away.
"Tuna-kun?" he could hear Teruko calling from his locked door. After his grandfather left, he barricaded himself in his room. He wanted to shut out everyone around him and shut himself in a much needed seclusion. If he was going to make a decision, he would need time. "Tuna-kun" the girl whined and Tsuna who was sitting on the ground, in the corner of his room with his comforter over his head, tried not to let her voice get to him.
"Come on, Teruko-chan. Your Aniki needs some time" he could hear his mother say to her before they both moved away from behind his door. He rocked a little on his heels, sticking his index fingers in his ears in an attempt to block out all sound. He could still hear the sound of the knife kneading through flesh, the sound of the man's last gasp before he died…Teruko's scream…..he could feel the blood on his hand…on his face…in his mouth…Tsuna gagged and shoved a clenched fist in his mouth to stop the vomit. Would you be able to protect her? Tuna-kun, help! Tsuna squeezed his eyes shut and pulled the comforter over his head more.
"I don't know!" Tsuna shouted until his lungs hurt and his vision blurred as his eyelashes clumped together. The image of Teruko's smiling face scorched behind his eyelids before it was replaced with the bloodied Teruko he had tried to save in his drug induced hallucination. Would Dame Tsuna be able to save her? He harshly swallowed and he looked at the closed door. "No, I wouldn't" he came to a nasty realization that knocked all the wind from his lungs. "I wouldn't be able to save her" he whispered to himself as he looked down at hands and he sneered at how weak they were. "I can't do anything" he laughed, his face twisted with an insane hilarity. It seemed as though his rationality finally broke under the stress, leaving the ten year old gasping for air as he laughed at his insecurities like it was a joke.
It was only when he saw the shuffling of his mother's feet from under his door and a light knock, did he finally stop. He had to grab onto the last thread of his sanity before he turned completely mad.
"If you're hungry, I made you a sandwich Tsuna-kun" she said and when he didn't say anything, she continued "If you don't eat something, you'll get sick again".
"Go AWAY!" he yelled when all he could see was her face. Those deadly eyes….the sick glee when her knife had struck its target…..
"Oh, okay" his mother's voice whispered and he forced the guilt from hearing her hurt, in the back of his mind along with the rest of unwanted memories. "Just don't hurt yourself, Tsuna-kun. Teruko-chan is worried about you, we all are" she muttered and Tsuna frowned.
"Teruko" he thought to himself. Oh yeah. His little sister. The only one he could trust in his family. The one who needed to be protected. The one who he HAD to protect. "Now isn't the time to lose your mind, you idiot" he chided himself as he threw the comforter off of his head. "It's time you made a choice" he whispered.
When Tsuna finally got a grip on himself once more and came to a decision, he met his grandfather at the bottom of the staircase. "I'll do it" he said and the older man cocked an eyebrow upwards at his declaration. "I'll do the second test" he added and Nana who peeked in on them, tried not to show how proud she was of him.
"Well my dearest, grandson, we have lots to speak about" he said and directed the boy to the living room. Tsuna tried not to fidget as he sat down on the couch, his leg bouncing up and down. "You should eat something" his grandfather said nudging his head in the direction of the plated food his mother had left for him before she went out to do some shopping with Teruko-chan. "I promise, we didn't do anything to it" he joked but all he got was a wry frown from Tsuna.
"I'm not hungry" Tsuna said and when his stomach released a whiny, high pitched rumble, red blossomed across his cheeks. His grandfather chuckled as he watched Tsuna bashfully took up the sandwich on the plate. He took a bite and tried not to think about possible poison or drugs that could be in the bread he was eating. "Before I take the second test or whatever, tell me about the clan again" he said after he swallowed.
"It's only fair" his grandfather agreed as he sipped his orange tea before he picked up his tale where he left off.
"What do you mean die?" the black haired youth asked as he got up from the graveled ground, dusting his kimono.
"Do you even know what kind of strength you wish for?" the man asked the youth who couldn't reply. "Let me just say that it differs from your own code of honour. It's based on deception" he told him and the young samurai's eyes widened.
"But that goes against…." The boy was saying and the man nodded. He clenched his fists and took up his sword from his waist. This was what he wanted, this was why he went searching for someone to help avenge his master. He would not falter. He threw the sword in front of him and he could see that the man was surprised at his actions. It was a disgrace for your katana to touch the floor. "Even if I have to delve in the pits of hell, I'll follow you. I must complete my mission" he declared with fire burning in his eyes.
"Very well. I should warn you, there's no going back from here" the man said as he walked down the path.
"I would have it no other way" the boy said and bowed towards the bald monk. For his master, he would throw away his pride.
"So following the priest, he was trained in the secret arts. It was said that the priest not only personally overlooked his teaching, but he also bestowed onto him a scroll. A scroll that is similar to one you've heard of before. In simple translation, it's called Master Sun's Rules of Warfare" his grandfather explained and Tsuna almost choked.
"You mean THE Art of War?" Tsuna asked and his grandfather studied his face before he roared his head back in laughter. "What? Why are you laughing?" he mumbled.
"It's funny that a ten year old shrimp like you have heard about the Art of War, when grown men don't even know what it is about" his grandfather smirked as he regained his composure. "Where did you even hear about it?" he asked.
"The internet" Tsuna shrugged and his grandfather chuckled. "The priest who taught him, was he a Buddhist monk?" he asked and his grandfather nodded.
"He was the one who introduced the founder to the ways of espionage" he said as he looked out the window at the falling snow. Though he didn't tell Tsuna, their founder had left a series of journals that was secretly passed down to the Soke* or head master throughout the generations, just as his father passed it to him, just like he would pass it down to Tsuna in time. He knew that out of everyone, the boy would appreciate those brown stained papers that contained a history no one except the Matsuoka clan knew about.
"What about the initiation phase?" Tsuna asked.
"As the monk explained, he needed to undergo three specific initiation tests. For the first test, the founder had to walk over hot coals" his grandfather said and Tsuna's face twisted in feigned agony. "The reason why each candidate must undergo these tests, is so that this plunge they're willing to take into mystery and pain, will open a range of boundless opportunities for them. When the mind has been tossed into pandemonium, it is sometimes only then we can see whether or not we're truly strong or weak" he described to his grandson who struggled with such a concept.
"And the second test?" Tsuna asked after saying nothing for a minute.
"Face your fears" the grandfather said and Tsuna stood up before pacing around the room, the sandwich already eaten.
"My fears?" Tsuna asked and stopped. "What do you mean my fears?" he continued to question.
"When I mean face your fears, in this context it does not mean being afraid of spiders or heights" his grandfather said as Tsuna turned completely to him. "It's different than that. It's identifying your own weaknesses and fighting against them. For you my dearest grandson, it's your foolish refusal to fight back" he told him and Tsuna dropped himself on the couch once more.
"I detest the idea of violence" he admitted aloud for the first time in his short lived ten years.
"Well, Tsuna-kun, for your second test, you're going to need to fight" his grandfather said. "To be more specific, you're going to fight back those bullies" he added and Tsuna's eyes widened.
A/N: Soke can translate to either head master, grandmaster. It is a term used in martial arts to refer to the leader of a singular school or style. Or at least that is what it said when I looked it up on the internet.
