ChApTeR SiX- To lose yourself (How long does it take for you to finally break?)

Disclaimer


"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you."
Friedrich Nietzsche

The following day, found Tsuna eating breakfast with his family. He had already been dressed in his school uniform, anxiously looking at the clock as he nibbled on his toast. His grandfather was sitting next to Teruko who kept babbling on about her school and some kid named Hibari-baka, when the long hand clicked against six. "I'm leaving" he said as he stood up. His grandfather smiled at Teruko and looked at him. We'll talk later. "I'm off" he said as he took up his bag.

"Tuna-kun, where is Mommy's kiss?" Teruko asked and Tsuna rolled his eyes. Apparently she was going through a new phase where she called herself 'Mommy'. He walked towards her and kissed her nose. She giggled and followed up with a sloppy one of her own. "Bye bye, Tuna-kun" she beamed at him and he ruffled her hair. His mother was watching the two of them with a smile on her face but knowing what he knew now, he could see a perceptiveness in her brown eyes.

"See you later, Tsuna-kun" she said and when she moved to touch him, Tsuna manoeuvred out of her grasp.

"Yeah" he whispered and left, ignoring the image of his mother's hurtful visage.


"You look different" was the first thing Kyoko said as he met her in front of her house so they could walk to school together.

"What?" he nervously asked as she closed the gate behind her. "What are you talking about?" he added.

"You tell me" Kyoko said as they walked down the street together, their shoes crunching under the snow.

"Must be the new gel I'm using" Tsuna said running his hand through his hair. Kyoko on the other hand, was not impressed.

"Not in looks, Tsuna-kun" she said playfully elbowing him in the ribs. "I mean there's something different about you overall. You kinda have a feeling those high schoolers have, like you're more mature or something" she mumbled. Her face burned as Tsuna released a loud 'Pfftt!" at her. "That's not funny!" she shouted at him.

"Sorry…it's just…ahaha" he said and had to run after her as she walked off. "I'm sorry" he seriously said.

"That was mean" she pouted, all traces of her embarrassment slowly receding from her face.

"It's just weird. Me? Mature? Yeah right" he snorted and Kyoko shook her head before roughly ruffling his hair. "Oi, that hurts" he added and she smiled.

"You shouldn't deride yourself like that. You're great, you know" Kyoko said and he frowned to himself. "If you weren't, then you wouldn't be Sawada Tsunayoshi, my best friend in the world" she added as she slung her arm on his shoulders. Grudgingly, they were around the same height.

"You…..I can't win with you" Tsuna whispered and Kyoko chuckled.

"I thought you knew that by now?" Kyoko coyly asked and ran off after she pinched him on the arm. While Kyoko laughed as he followed her, he couldn't help thank the heavens for his best friend.


However, from the moment they got to school, Tsuna as always receded away from Kyoko. It was already bad enough that they picked on him, he didn't want them to start to target his only friend, so he did what he always done from the moment they were friends.

In public, he would retreat into himself hoping that all the bullies would focus on Tsuna instead of Kyoko. If she was hurt…he didn't know if he could live with himself. Kyoko smiled at him, already accustomed with his weird habit, as she greeted some of her friends who called out to her. "Do you mind?" she asked as they slipped their uwabaki* on. He closed his locker and shook his head. With a quick squeeze of his hand and a secretly shared smile, he watched her walk off.

Even in kindergarten, the other kids were attracted to Kyoko and he couldn't blame them. Wherever she went, she was like a light, attracting moths to her. People were just drawn to that magnetic personality of hers.

Deciding that it was time he got to class, he walked down the lightly crowded halls, watching as people snickered his way. Whispers of 'Dame-Tsuna' were shot his way and as always, he submitted himself to the torture, hoping that the walk to his class would end soon.

However, just as he turned the corner, Tsuna's fists clenched as he saw them down the hall. You're going to have to fight those bullies. He watched one in particular, the largest in the group who stood at the helm, the main leader of the pack as he staggered down the hall. He was tall, even for their age, was heavy in size and had a menacing set of eyes that would often make weak guys like Tsuna wet themselves.

Tsuna watched as he purposely bumped into one of the boys and laughed as his bag fell to the ground and his books sprawled across the ground. When the boy weakly bent down to pick up his fallen books, the main bully, Eiji* (how ironic) harshly kicked the boy over. Like the mindless puppets they were, the students around them laughed while the boy sobbed. How could they find humour in such a pathetic scene? How could weakness be funny?!

Yet, you're standing on the side lines, doing nothing to help the boy. You're just as bad as they are, his mind snarled at him and with shame burning his cheeks, Tsuna walked away.


"Tsuna-kun?" his mother asked as soon as he opened the front door. He shrugged off his scarf and looked up when she sauntered in from the kitchen, a spatula in her hand. "Would you like something to eat?" a tender smile on her face.

"I'm not hungry" he dismissed her. He pretended that he didn't see the wounded look on her face as he took off his shoes. "Is grandfather here?" he asked.

"He's in the living room" his mother said and he didn't expect the woman to help him out of his coat. He flinched when she moved to affectionately pat his head. He watched her as she swallowed, her eyes shining with regret. "I'll just go" she whispered and he took back his jacket as she left. Shit…Why did he feel like a….the thought broken when a tiny body collided with his, nearly knocking him off his feet.

"Tuna-kun!" Teruko pulled at his pants. He smiled down at her, candies in his palm. A smile lit up her face at them. "Thank you, Aniki!" she squealed before rushing out just as she came. He smiled to himself and trailed into the living room where his grandfather was, sipping on his tea as usual.

"You're early" he said as Tsuna sat down. He glanced at his Teruko who followed after her mother in the kitchen.

"Well, I need answers" Tsuna replied. His grandfather chuckled. "What exactly is the second test?" he asked.

"The second test is an answer just as much as it is you facing your fears" his grandfather said. "Let me ask, are you content with the life that you're living right now? Are you happy, Tsuna-kun?" he asked.

"I…" Tsuna said but his throat got so tight, the rest of his reply died on his lips.

"I'll be frank with you, Tsuna-kun. You hold no control over your life. You have neither the desire nor the drive to change. You're stuck in a vicious cycle, bored with your life, ready to listen to everyone BUT yourself. You're afraid of actually fighting back because you think you're not strong enough. You let those other kids bully you. You say you 'detest' violence, when in fact, I know that deep down, you're actually afraid of loving it" his grandfather said. Tsuna had his hands tightly clasped in front of his face, his teeth gnawing at his lower lip.

"Lies! I will never come to love violence!" Tsuna said, shooting up from the chair.

"You wanted to know what the second initiation test is, right?" his grandfather asked, calmly sipping his tea. "It's the answer you get when you regain control over your life. It is only when you obtain your resolve from facing your fears, will you pass the second test" he added. When black met brown, Tsuna nearly screamed out in frustration. He felt like yelling, like kicking up a fuss like little kids did, but instead he sat back down.

"This is so messed up" Tsuna whispered to himself, silently cursing everything shinobi.


Here was the thing about being bullied for most of your life. A lesson, he learnt after years of constant confidence crumbling abuse. After every punch, wedgie, wet Willy, kick, every humiliating public displays of torture, all that you were left of your hollow, weak self was to submit.

Submission was what made victims like Tsuna, appealing to bullies like Eiji. They wouldn't put up much of a fight, they would allow people like Eiji to do as they pleased. It gave them the power they always craved, the control they always wanted.

So the next day, as Eiji narrowed in on Tsuna, as he made his way towards the smaller boy, a spark of dominance trickled down his spine. "Well, well, well. If it isn't 'Dame Tsuna'" he said and everyone around them laughed.

Almost reflexively, Tsuna bowed his head. Unwanted memories filtered in. Two or three held him down. He was kicking. He was screaming. He was begging. Please. No. PLEASE. One of them grabbed his chin, fingernails digging into his skin. Eiji laughed as he loomed closer with the poignant, crumbling, white piece of dog shi-…. "No! NOOOO!" Tsuna yelled as they forced his mouth open. Tsuna placed a hand over his mouth, as though he could taste what they had done to him some years ago…He tried to swallow as he forced himself to look at Eiji in his eyes. His grandfather was right. It was time for him to change.

"It's just Tsuna" he said and his voice hushed the crowd to silence. What?! They couldn't believe that out of everyone present, TSUNA was the one who spoke up against Eiji.

"What did you say…?" Eiji said, stepping into Tsuna's personal space, before harshly poking him in the chest. "…Dame Tsuna?" he asked giving the smaller boy a push. Tsuna braced himself on the wall but kept his eyes on Eiji's.

"I said, it's just Tsuna" he replied but his boldness was breaking every minute.

"I dare you: Say that again" he griped as he took a step towards him.

"I said that my name is just Tsuna, short for Tsunayoshi" Tsuna said, louder this time, as adrenaline left him proud and reckless. He felt like he could do anything, be anyone in that short second. It was weird, how free he felt, how alive he was in that moment. Hell, even as Eiji's entire form overlooked his, he felt as tall as the bully was. It was exhilarating! It was addicting!

"You're going to regret this, you little freak" Eiji hissed and clenched his fist. Eiji cocked his fist back, ready to drive it into Tsuna's face, when a hand landed on his shoulder.

"Young man, what did I say about fighting?" one of the teachers asked. Children peeked out of their classrooms, hoping to get a glimpse of the possible fight or Eiji's reprimand from the teacher. Eiji gritted his teeth as the teacher told him to get to the principal's office. As the teacher turned to leave with the bully, Eiji threateningly bumped Tsuna's shoulder.

"You and me, after school under Nami Bridge" he whispered. Kyoko who had seen the entire thing rushed towards Tsuna who remained rooted to the spot even after Eiji left or the children around them started to whisper about them and the fight.

"Tsuna-kun, why would you…" she was saying when Tsuna placed a shaky hand on hers, a promise dimly lit in his eyes.

"I have to do this" he said and she just sighed. Of all the stupid things her best friend did, this had to be at the top of the list.


All throughout the day, unlike the usual treatment he received from his classmates, they looked at him with pity in their eyes. Like they weren't seeing Tsuna anymore, rather an already dead boy in his place. They shook their heads every time he walked down the hall, he could hear them whispering, especially the girls, the words 'Eiji-kun, fight and he's going to die' catching Tsuna's attention. The more the day dragged on, the more he felt like his stomach would drop all the way to his feet. The anxiety had settled in the pit of his belly, every nauseating thought of fighting with Eiji made all the hairs on his hand stand on end like faithful sentinels. He bit into his fingernails, listening to his teeth as they clattered against the other. When he turned the corner, he saw Kyoko speaking to one of their teachers. When she saw him, after the teacher left, her eyes softened. "You look like Ryo-kun when our mother takes him to the dentist" she said as she crossed the distance between them.

"I wish" Tsuna said as he leaned against the window, watching the snow as it fell.

"Feel like backing out?" Kyoko asked as she leaned against the wall. "Because if you did, it wouldn't make you less…" she was saying but stopped when he spoke up.

"Do you know what it's like, looking at yourself in the mirror, but you hate what is reflected at you?" he asked as he placed a hand on his forehead.

"Yes" and the answer shocked Tsuna so much that he almost fell out the window. Kyoko laughed without any malice as she helped him. "Believe it or not, I wish that I could change parts of me like you do, Tsuna-kun" she said, crossing her legs. "We're not all perfect, you know" she added and he didn't know what to say to her. What could he say?

"So, do you think I will land even one hit?" Tsuna joked and Kyoko, despite how serious the fight to come would be, laughed.


Each step he took closer to Nami Bridge, the faster his heart thumped in his bandaged chest. "Wow, nearly everyone from school is here" Kyoko said as they approached the large crowd that were accumulated under the bridge.

"Damn, those nosy kids" Tsuna said and Kyoko laughed.

"You're a kid yourself" she said and he watched as her face hardened at the sight of Eiji who stood like an untouchable king in front of their classmates.

"So you finally made it, Dame Tsuna?" Eiji asked as the crowd parted for him. "I thought you would run like you always do" he added as he made a show of cracking his knuckles. Tsuna said nothing as they faced each other, his goons were lurking in the back of Eiji, heckling the smaller boy, throwing out insults his way. "Well, let's get this over with" he said and circled him like a lion ready to pounce on its prey.

The circle of ten year olds grew rowdier at the scent of potential blood. They were almost as vicious as sharks. Tsuna weakly placed his hands up, just as he had seen in those Rocky movies. Maybe spending a lot of time with Kyoko and her little brother would pay off. You would think that, right? WRONG.

Before Tsuna could blink, a fist crashed into his face, painfully twisting his jaw. Tsuna fell backwards from the force of the hit, but surprisingly though, it didn't feel as hurtful as he thought it would.

"Tsuna-kun, look out!" Kyoko shouted and as he was going to heed her warning, the rubber tip of Eiji's shoe tunnelled into his stomach. "Tsuna" she whispered as her best friend cried out in pain. The crowd stopped chanting, as Eiji grabbed Tsuna by his hair and lifted him off the ground. Tsuna rolled around the bloodied spit in his mouth before he threw the spittle at his face with a dry laugh. In his fit of rage Eiji curled his hands in a fist and Tsuna felt when the brutal upper cut connected.

He was thrown backwards, blood like the dead man's, spewed from his mouth. In fact, he felt a couple of his teeth grow loose in his mouth as he lay on the ground. The snow was soft though, he found himself thinking, as Eiji stalked towards him. Fight. A little voice in the back of his mind whispered as his body was yanked upwards. Your second test is to fight back against those bullies. Eiji's knee hammered into his solar plexus. More blood and spit drooled down his chin as he fell to his knees. You say you 'detest' violence, when in fact, I know that deep down, you're actually afraid of loving it. He could hear his grandfather's voice through the murkiness. He could hear Kyoko shouting at him, he could hear the silence that grew over the crowd, he could faintly see the little snowflakes falling between them, and he could see his own blood splattered on the ground. That was when Eiji's face blurred into that of his own.

"WeAk" the other Tsuna barked as he grabbed him by the collar. Tsuna felt something violent start from his stomach before it could spread throughout the rest of his body. He could almost hear it snap to pieces: his rationality, his sanity as his heart thumped in his ears.

"Shut up!" Tsuna screamed and using his forehead, he head butted him. The other Tsuna stumbled backwards, clearly surprised as Tsuna fell to the ground. He could see Eiji in the other Tsuna's place now and it drove him even madder. He could feel a concussion fraying against the lines of his consciousness but Tsuna wasn't finished yet. Like a man possessed, he crawled towards Eiji who had yet to get up. "DiE" Tsuna continued to mumble under his breath as he straddled Eiji, his own vision momentarily turning black. But it wasn't like he needed his vision to continue his attack. Bones against bone, flesh meeting flesh.

He could feel people pulling at him, trying to get to the Eiji underneath him but he wouldn't let them. His fists, the only weapon he had, continuously pummelled at his face. "EaT sHiT" he wailed as he stuffed handfuls of snow into Eiji's mouth.

"You'll kill him!" someone yelled and before he knew, he was tossed to the side, while others restrained him.

Like light flooding through a dark room, Tsuna's vision momentarily returned. About three boys were holding him down, his face harshly buried on the ground, as people surrounded Eiji. His head buried in the snow and dirt. Through a forest of legs, he caught a glimpse of Eiji who was gasping for air, struggling to stay awake. When their eyes met, Tsuna could feel the high of his rage leaving. "You're really a freak" someone whispered and that was all he heard before his body went slack as he fainted.


*– Uwabaki refer to slippers that are worn inside. Google it

*– Eiji in English loosely translates (according to a website I found) to either 1) great peace, 2) prosperity or even 3) eternity.