The next day we begin phase two which involves the fear simulations. Amar calls me in and I sit in the same chair that I did at the beginning of initiation. I feel the needle pierce my neck and find myself faced with my father again. It is only one of him this time and I am alone with him in our Abnegation home.
He pins me against the wall as he removes his clothing and begins kissing me. I shove him off me, unafraid this time as I know that he can't hurt me. Not like this at least. I knock him down with a punch and pant as the simulation ends and I am awake.
"Three minutes." Amar announces matter-of-factly. "That was quick, how did you do that?" he says and I don't know so I shrug. "That's three times faster than normal, something has to have been going on." I frown as I walk away, feeling powerful for once over my father.
The next day, Amar and some Erudites are there for the simulation. Amar tells me that because of yesterday's "irregularities", they are here to observe today so they can be sure that nothing is wrong with the serums or simulations. I'm nervous but I try not to be as I wipe my hands on my pants and Amar inserts the needle into my neck. I don't want them in find out or suspect anything about me so I try to remain calm as the simulation begins.
I'm on the bridge again and know that I can't jump off without looking suspicious. The bridge leads to the entrance of a building so I try to carefully walk over towards it which naturally takes me a bit longer to do. I enter the building and the simulation ends.
I awake with a startle as the Erudite and Amar seemed pleased. I will have to keep trying to find ways to find my divergence like this if I don't want to get into trouble. They ask to see one of Amar's simulations next as one of the initiates reported concerns about Amar and I. That initiate can only be one person: Eric, the only Erudite transfer.
After about a week of the fear sims, I have faced fears about heights, my father, killing the innocent woman, the crows, confinement and drowning. When Amar shares our ranks in the dorm, I find that I am first followed by Eric, Mia and the other transfers.
Eric looks in my direction angrily, he's not happy about me ranking above him. I can't sleep that night so I slip out to grab a drink of water. A hand clamps over my mouth and I realize it's Eric. I try to punch and kick and run away but it's no use as I am completely and utterly helpless against him now.
"I will not lose against you, Stiff." he says his body is on top of mine and I cannot thrash against him. He undresses and forces himself inside me. His hand rests over my mouth so I cannot yell or scream or do anything except lie there. Once he's done, he says "Remember this next time you want to try to beat me at something, you will pay!"
I decide to sit by the chasm, enjoying the peaceful silence and the sound of the waves crashing. I don't know how long I stay there but I must have fallen asleep because when I open my eyes, I see a flurry of activity and Amar, dead and bloody near the chasm.
I gasp and feel frozen in place as I watch people lift his body up and can't believe what I'm seeing. The Dauntless have a quick memorial service for him and Zeke and Shauna find a seat by me as all of this is happening.
Zeke hands me a beer and I chug it quickly. I've never had alcohol before but it helps some with what I'm feeling right now. Tomorrow is the final fear simulation and the Dauntless leader, Max, asks if I might be interested in leadership as well. I don't feel like I'm cut out to be a leader though so I have a lot to think about.
I tell Max about what happened last night with Eric and he says that there will be consequences for him. I don't feel so bad about beating Eric up before though after everything. I stay with Zeke and Shauna so I'm safe for the night.
In the morning, I am the last one to go through my sims so I wait and watch everyone else first. I finish mine quickly and think about the jobs I'm interested in. We all get our apartments tomorrow and I am thinking about working in the control room and training initiates. When initiation finishes, I can travel freely including visiting my brother in Erudite. Right now though, I sit in a secret spot by the chasm that no one else seems to know about.
After a couple hours, I head to the cafeteria where the banquet is being held. Max gives a speech then shows us the rankings in which I am first.
I want to celebrate and do something special so I had to where the tattoo shop is. I see Tori there and ask for the Dauntless symbol on one of my shoulders and decide to get flames to cover the bruises and scars on my ribs.
I am brave, I am Dauntless now and no one can take that away from me. I choose an apartment and the jobs the next day. It's not much but I've never had this much space to myself before.
