ChApTeR fOuRtEeN – We all have daddy issues around here
Disclaimer - ;O Same old, same old
"One day Bird had approached his father with this question; he was six years old: Father, where was I a hundred years before I was born? Where will I be a hundred years after I die? Father, what will happen to me when I die? Without a word, his young father had punched him in the mouth, broke two of his teeth and bloodied his face, and Bird forgot the fear of death."
― Kenzaburō Ōe, A Personal Matter
Seeing that it was around the only place open at that moment, Tsuna and Rinko found themselves sitting in a yakitori restaurant. "Okay, okay, tell me if you know this one" Rinko told him, a smug look on her face as she turned in her seat so they were looking at each other. Tsuna had finally found someone as obsessed as he was with books though Rinko took it to another level, seeing as she had most of her favourite passages from the books she loved, memorized. During the most of the morning they were sharing together was spent quizzing each other on the types of books they read, turning into almost a game between the two.
"I kept trying to run away. And I almost did. But it seems that reality compels you to live properly when you live in the real world" she recited, her eyes closed, her hands gripped onto the bottle of water she had been drinking from.
She could still remember the spring she had found that book. She was fifteen, still in high school, had hopes of becoming the writer her best friend had wheedle her to believe that she could become. She had always retreated to the library, seeking solace in those words written so elegant on paper bound by the love of their authors, praying that one day, that someone who was in need of her own work would find it, in some high school library, waiting to save a messed up kid like she was. But reality wasn't so kind. She wasn't meant to be eternalized by fiction as she always hoped to be. Instead, her own misery was stamped in the tiny cracks of her heart every time she had to work for that asshole, Iwao.
"A Personal Matter by Kenzaburō Ōe" Tsuna whispered and Rinko's eyes opened with a quick flurry. She wasn't exactly expecting for a ten year old to know about the book, but then again, Tsunayoshi wasn't like most ten year olds. He was extraordinarily special and he seemed to not even know it.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Rinko asked, though it was more like she was telling him. "I always wondered to myself, how a man could not even bother to go to the hospital while his wife was having HIS child. It always baffled and bothered me" she quietly said as she sipped on the water, once forgotten.
"Some say it's because he was a coward" Tsuna piped up and Rinko glanced at him from the corner of her eyes.
"And what do you say?" Rinko asked him once she had recapped the water bottle. Tsuna bit into his grilled chicken before answering.
"Personally, I think a lot fathers are" he told her and he had managed to surprise her yet again. Who the hell was this kid, she found herself asking once more.
"A lot fathers are" she repeated instead of asking why he would make such a statement in the first place. A harsh smirk appeared on her face. "Certainly true" she said with a sigh, thinking about her own father and the man she had once loved, who held sole custody of the son she no longer could see.
Why did I ever get a worthless daughter like you?
PaThEtIc
You should just die, you ugly whore
Do you think I want Yuiji to see you like this?
Is this how a mother should dress when she comes to see her son?
Rinko get the hell out of here.
Don't come back.
"Are you okay?" Tsuna asked when he saw how quiet she had gotten.
"I'm fine" Rinko said and though he knew she was anything but, he continued eating because she wasn't a woman who seemed to favour anyone's pity. "It's scary, you know" she said as she resumed eating as well. "Being a parent" she added as she stared out at the empty streets and dim lights. Tsuna hummed but didn't reply because he knew that she wasn't actually waiting for his reply.
As they ate in a relative silence, he thought about his own father. He had ignorantly thought that with the man's death in the drugged dream that he had forgiven him for abandoning him for all those years. For outright ignoring him. For the fear that he saw one day in his father's eyes when he thought Tsuna couldn't see him.
He unwittingly thought that he could just forget the pain that Iemitsu's cowardice had brought, only for his past feelings to re-emerge.
He was blaming his father for this torment that he found himself in. Having to take part in some death race, he didn't want to participate in the first place.
But then again, his brain threw at him, you're a coward for blaming him.
"What got you into books?" Rinko asked when she noticed that he was losing himself to his thoughts.
"It's kinda cliché" Tsuna said and Rinko arched an eyebrow at him. "I was bullied a lot and seeing as I was never interested in any kind of sports, reading was the only way I could occupy myself" he told her.
"So, books were your friends" Rinko teased and he rolled her eyes at her as she laughed.
"It wasn't like I was friendless or anything. I had a friend. I have a best friend, her name is Kyoko-chan" Tsuna said and blushed when she mockingly released an exaggerated 'OOOH?!' They shared a short laugh and finished up the last of their meal. Now that his stomach was full, he was starting to feel sleepy again but he knew he couldn't fall asleep because….well he didn't exactly have a place to lay his head at the moment.
"You look tired" Rinko commented as she watched him. He yawned and looked at his wrist watch. 2:30 am. Damn, he still had a long time until he could even dream to go to Yuiji's house to deliver the gift. "Hey, come on" she said nudging him by the shoulder. He rubbed his eyes and looked at her as she paid for their food.
"Where are we going?" he asked and Rinko gently helped him up.
"To my crummy apartment where you can get some sleep. Ryo-kun told me that you've been travelling for a while now, so I can only expect how exhausted you must be" Rinko said with a motherly tone of voice, no room for argument.
"I'm in your care" he said as he bowed and Rinko shook her head at him.
"You're a strange one, Tsunayoshi-kun" Rinko told him as she gently guided him down the street. "Take pride in that" she whispered with a woeful smile on her face, something her own mother had told her, what felt like eons ago.
The first time he notices that he hates his father, it's been a year since his sister entered their family. Unlike before, when the sound of his father entering their home, with his sack of dirty laundry over his shoulder and his face covered in dirt, would thrill him, Tsuna has come to avoid it. He doesn't like the way his father refuses to look at him. He hates that his father smothers his sister with all of his love when he can't even say hi to Tsuna without looking away. When he asks his mother about it, she just laughs at his concern, assuring him that 'Papa loves you, Tsuna-kun. He would never be able to hate you" but Tsuna isn't so sure anymore.
So as he's learned to shut out the world, especially on those days when Eiji would deliberately pour juice on his pants and lie to the class saying he peed himself, he would go to the library with his mother, to greet old Mrs. Hayashi.
It's then, that Tsuna finally tears apart the little relationship he had with his father.
As they are walking in the place that Tsuna loves as much as Disneyland itself, he knows that something is wrong. Kind, Mrs. Hayashi isn't there to warmly welcome him with her familiar thick glasses on a wrinkled face. The smell of moth balls and mint which he comes to acquaint Mrs. Hayashi with, isn't there. He tugs on his mother's dress with a frown as he watches the new librarian.
"Where is Mrs. Hayashi?" Tsuna pouts and the man who seems to be around his mommy's age, hears him.
"Oh, do you know her?" the man politely asks as he moves from behind the counter. He doesn't like the man. Not because he isn't kind or anything, it's just he isn't Mrs. Hayashi. Even he doesn't know why he likes Mrs. Hayashi so much. Maybe it's because she is always recommending the best books or the way that she sees when he's sad when not even his parents can. It's maybe because when she does see that he wants to cry, she secretly tucks some candies in his pocket, a secret they share together.
"A little" his mother says and the man smiles. "Did something happen to her?" she asks and Tsuna sees that he is hesitant to say what he wants to, especially since Tsuna's there.
"She died three days ago" the man whispers, thinking that Tsuna won't be able to hear him. Three days ago? That's when his father arrived home. That's how long his mother refused to carry him to the library. This is all HIS fault. Tsuna doesn't even know when tears starts to run down his chubby cheeks.
"Oh, Tsuna-kun" his mother soothes him as she picks him up and he buries her face on her chest as he starts to wail.
When they get home, Tsuna is still crying on his mother's shoulder. Even though her sleeve of her dress is soaked with snot and tears, she doesn't complain. His father who meets them in the kitchen, frowns though when he sees Tsuna's puffy eyes as his mother sets him down on the chair. "I'll make you some nice warm tea" His mother whispers as she kisses him on the forehead. His father who is holding Teruko in his arms, looms over Tsuna.
"Why is he crying?" he asks his mother but his mother refuses to turn from her spot where she's placing some water in the kettle.
"Tsuna-kun got some sad news today, dear. Mrs. Hayashi passed away" his mother explains as Tsuna rubs his eyes with his hands. He tries not to cry again.
"Mrs. Hayashi, who is that?" his father asks as he sits down. Tsuna refuses to look at him. He ignores him just as Iemitsu is ignoring Tsuna.
"She worked at the library, honey. She was friends with Tsuna-kun. She was so nice" his mother comments. Iemitsu finally looks at Tsuna.
"Oh" he says and Tsuna finds that his voice is annoying. He finds that he hates everything about his father. His voice. His hair. His stupid grin. His stupid face. Everything. "I'm so-…." He is starting to say but Tsuna cuts him off when he jumps off his chair.
"Mama, I'm sleepy. I'm going to my room" he says as he turns to leave. He can't stand to be in the same room as his father.
"Tsunayoshi" his father calls and it's only because of his mother that he obeys by staying. "Listen, I know that you're sad but…." He was going to lecture him but Tsuna couldn't take it anymore. The frustration, the grief overpowers him.
"This is your fault!" Tsuna shouts and even his mother is surprised by his outburst. "If you hadn't come home, if Mama had just taken me to the library, then I would've gotten to see her!" he cries but his father remains calm as the little boy rants.
"And what good would that have been? She still would have died" his father retorts and Tsuna's face turn cherry red with rage.
"Iemitsu-kun!" his mother exclaims but before she has time to reprimand her husband, Tsuna mumbles something that makes even the blonde freeze. "Tsuna-kun!" she admonishes her eldest child, who has his head bowed and fists clenched.
"I hate you" Tsuna bellows at the top of his lungs before running away.
His father had left the next morning and didn't return six months after that.
Even now, that he's ten, he had never apologized for his statement and it's the last time, since he had any sort of conversation with his father.
Tsuna woke up once more with the smell of lavender, his face buried in a soft pillow. He can hear Rinko bustling around in her kitchen when he sits up in the futon, the only one that Rinko had, that she sacrificed for Tsuna just so he could get some shut eye. He stretched and looked at his watch. 8:30 am. It wasn't exactly a healthy dose of eight hours but it would have to do.
He stood up and rubbed his neck as he took in Rinko's room. If he had to describe it, the word bare came to mind. Just a futon, a closed walk in closet and a dressing table spilling with Rinko's makeup. He fixed the futon a little before he walked into the kitchen that held only a square table and two chairs.
The kitchen wasn't as bad as the bedroom. There was a single sink with a window above it that held a potted plant on the still, a small fridge that was fairly rusted and a rice cooker. Rinko had changed into a large t-shirt and sweat pants, her hair pulled in a messy ponytail.
"You're finally up" Rinko said as she turned around. Now that all the makeup was gone, he see that heavy bags under her eyes and the few black marks on her cheeks. He found himself thinking about how strange this Rinko was from the Rinko had he met last night.
"Morning" Tsuna said as he sat down. She smiled at him as she got out two bowls from her cupboards.
"All I have is cereal. I hope that will do" Rinko said as she got out the box of Kellogg's Corn Flakes, you know the one with the green roster on it?
"It's fine" Tsuna said as she opened her fridge to get the carton of milk. Unlike the one back home which was always filled to the brim with food, Rinko's hardly had any.
"Class A breakfast" Rinko said as she handed him a spoon and sat down in the seat opposite from his. Tsuna snorted as she lamely laughed. He tossed some of the cereal in his own bowl as Rinko filled hers with milk before they switched. "What do your mom usually cook in the mornings?" Rinko dared to ask as they decided to just dig in. It felt useless to them to say "Itadakimasu" * for just Corn Flakes.
"You know your average Japanese breakfast. Rice, miso soup, maybe an egg or something" Tsuna shrugged as he scooped up a helping of flakes on his spoon with some milk.
"Is your mom a housewife or does she work?" Rinko asked and Tsuna gulped down the cereal on his spoon.
"She's a housewife" Tsuna replied. This wasn't so bad, Tsuna thought to himself.
"Sounds like my mom" Rinko said and Tsuna looked up at her. "She has been a housewife for all her life. She doesn't believe in women working" she sneered as she shook her head. Tsuna held his tongue, seeing as it was a sore topic with the woman. "I was thinking about your statement last night. You say a lot of fathers are cowards but when I think about it, the truth is, most parents are. Not just the scum bag fathers" she said as she wiped her mouth with the sleeve of her t-shirt.
"Do you hate her?" Tsuna asked and Rinko, who had continued eating, looked at him.
"As much as I hate my father" Rinko said as she leaned back on her chair. "She always stood there and did nothing. Not when he took out his frustration on me. Not when he would corner me or beat his own miseries down on me with his unforgiving fists. She just locked herself in her room. Just continued to pretend like everything was okay even when the next day rolled around, and she could see the bruises hidden by my uniform" Rinko whispered.
It had been years since she left home that she confessed to anyone that her father physically abused her. Because unlike before, no one was interested in her broken past. No one cared. And it was ironic and a little sad, that a ten year old who she didn't even know was more considerate than the men she knew for months, who always 'bought' her. It was kind of pathetic, she found herself thinking, that the only person she could confide in was a kid.
"I believe that if you were to look up the meaning of father, you would find the word coward lying next to it" Tsuna whispered and when their eyes met, she could see an equal amount of sadness in his own. She reached out and held his hand.
"Life is unfair" Rinko said and for a while, they remained in her kitchen, listening to nothing but the beating of their own hearts.
A Personal Matter by Kenzaburō Ōe is such a beautiful book. Just magnificent. It's a book about the protagonist whose name is Bird who has to deal with the fact that his son is born with a brain deformity and his own cowardice as he struggles with whether or not he should follow his dreams of going travelling to Africa, or stay with his family while supporting his son (my own summary). If you want to know what it's exactly about, you should find it yourself and read it. It's a really great read.
*Itadakimasu – all the people who watch anime should know what that means by now.
General notes:
Tsuna thinks that he's okay with his father now, but through this chapter and the previous ones, he finds that he still hasn't forgiven his father for 'abandoning' him. The fact that, he's still pissed at the man, is something he finds out when he interacts with Ryo and Rinko. It's going to be something he has to deal with.
Abandonment regardless if Iemitsu didn't plan on intentionally committing such an act towards his son, is really horrible.
And those who are willingly abandoned by their parents, will always nurse that scar in their hearts.
Author's notes: I'm a mess. I'm sorry that I didn't upload yesterday...Stuff happened...Mostly life...I haven't gotten around to the new reviews as yet, will do soon. If it's urgent, don't hesitate to pm me.
-Frosty
