Chapter 5

"Beca, you can't stall this time."

Jordan looked up over the glasses perched on her nose to Beca who returned the stare through tired eyes and simply stated,

"I have nothing to say."

It wasn't a complete lie; she really didn't have anything to say that she felt was relevant to the conversation. She did enough sharing for the entire week in her therapy session with Jordan the other day.

Jordan sighed in obvious frustration. She really wanted to help Beca, but there was no way that she could help her if the brunette wouldn't at least offer any semblance of an attempt. She knew Beca's lack of participation would get back to her mother and at that point, Beca's treatment would be out of her hands.

"Beca, if you don't say something, anything, they'll begin to take action." She made known, only to receive the response she was dreading, a shrug in indifference.

"I don't care." Beca said.

Paulie shifted in her seat, folding her legs under herself. "Beca, just say something or else they'll throw you in isolation."

Beca looked around the room and could see the others watching her sympathetically as if they understood her plight.

"Say something simple."

It was Jane. Beca didn't have to look up, she recognized the hoarse Boston accent. "Like, what's your favorite color?"

Beca couldn't help but laugh at that. Of all the questions she was expecting to be thrown her way that was the last one to ever cross her mind.

"Um, I don't know, black I guess." She answered. Immediately everyone in the room started laughing. Looking at them in confusion and skepticism, she slanted her eyes at them in question.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing. It's just, that is not surprising at all." Jane responded. She looked over to Paulie,

"Should I diagnose her, or do you have it?"

Paulie, jumped up excitedly, reaching over to snatch Jordan's glasses from her face as well as her notepad. Placing the glasses on the bridge of her nose, she cross her legs and balanced the memo pad on her knee, mirroring the therapist. She cleared her throat and began to talk in an antiquated English accent.

"Miss Mitchell. Whether we're a vibrant orange, or a peaceful blue, our color preferences are a key to understanding our personalities. Our favorite color is essential in understanding ourselves, the choices we make and the people we become. What does black reveal about who you really are?" she began, managing to suppress a grin despite the several fits of laughter from everyone else in the room. Beca sat back in her chair, resting her hands on each arm rest. She had to admit she was intrigued and a bit humored by it all. By the way everyone was watching, excitement in their eyes, Beca could tell this was a frequent occurrence by the blonde.

"Beca—I mean Miss Mitchell, you are dignified and impressive without being showy. You want to give the appearance of mystery, but your preference may also indicate a suppression of desires and worldly aims, suggesting hidden depths and inner longings. Lovers of black have a need for power and control in order to protect their own emotional insecurities." She finished looking over to Jordan for confirmation, "Did I get it right?"

Jordan tipped her head, "I have to give it to you Paulie. You actually do listen to me."

Paulie threw the glasses and notepad back in Jordan's lap, "Nah, I just really like the color game." She said, returning to her previous position with her legs folded under herself.

"So, Beca, did Paulie's description of you seem accurate?" Jordan asked as she replaced her glasses on her face.

"I guess, I mean, how can you tell all of that from my favorite color?"

"Well, certain personalities tend to gravitate to certain colors whether in their clothing choices, their outlook on life, even their room schemes. Tell us about your room."

"My room?" Beca scoffed incredulously. The therapy session went from way too invasive questions to these stupid questions. What in the hell was this, a quiz in Cosmo?

"Yeah, your room. Do you have your own room or do you share it with someone? Do you have posters or is it bare—"

"Every time I put up a poster Liam would just rip it down… after a while I got tired of replacing my posters." She admitted, biting at the nail on her thumb.

"Who's Liam?" Paulie asked. Normally Jordan wouldn't allow another patient to comment or partake in her questioning, but it had proven that the rebellious blonde was more successful in getting Beca to share than she was.

"He's my stepfather." She answered unwillingly. How in the hell did they manage to get to this point so quickly? However, it wasn't Jordan asking her the questions, it was Paulie. A girl in the same boat as her, and for some reason, her questions didn't feel as violating as Jordan's.

"Where's you dad?" Paulie continued. Beca's head shot up in anger causing Paulie to put her hands up in surrender.

"Sorry, dude. I didn't mean to pry; I didn't know it was a sensitive subject." She apologized and suddenly Beca felt like crap. She knew Paulie didn't mean anything by her question and plus, how could she know talking about her father was a sensitive subject.

"No, it's not your fault. You didn't know…My—my father was a coward."

"Why do you think he's a coward?" Jordan asked, trying to approach the subject gently in fear of pushing the teenager too far and risking her shutting down completely.

Beca sighed and ran a shaky hand through her hair.

"My—my mother was in her first year of high school when she met him at a party. He—he raped her." She could hear several gasps, but she still continued on with the story knowing that this would be the absolute last time she told it.

"She never told anyone and allowed everyone to think that she got pregnant through her own harlotry and carelessness. Being an unwed mother wasn't accepted by her family so they disowned her. We—we lived from place to place for a while and then she met Liam. Of course, he and I never got along and now I'm here." She said, dropping back in her chair in defeat. She really hated talking about her father. The only other person that managed to get the story out of her was Chloe and it had taken her 12 years to gain Beca's trust before she divulged the truth.

Jordan cleared her throat, clearly not expecting what Beca just revealed.

"If you don't mind me asking, how did you find out the truth about your conception?"

"That fucker Liam told me…it was the first time I ever saw him hit my mother." She trailed off. Quickly wiping at her eyes before a tear had the chance to fall, she clenched her jaw and like that, the barricade was back up. She slouched in her chair and fixed her eye on the clock. She was done sharing and despite what Jordan said, she was going to stall for the remainder of the session.

"Beca, do you think your bad relationships with the male figures in your life have led to you seeking relationships with women?"

The moment Jordan saw the angered glare that Beca shot her, she instantly regretted asking the question. However, she knew that it was the question that she was expected to ask in light of Beca's recent revelation. Her mother would review the tapes for the session (although Jordan would never let the kids know that their sessions were recorded) and wonder why she didn't seize the opportunity to ask the question.

"What!" Beca yelled through red eyes. "What in the hell do those bastards have to do with me being in love with Chloe?" She shouted. Everyone in the room was silent including Jordan who knew she crossed a line. Benji reached out to grab Beca's hand in comfort, but she snatched it away from him.

"Everyone has such a big problem with me loving her, but what about when that douche my mom married broke my arm last summer? Or when he beat the shit out of my mother? No one is shipping him off. All I did was love someone who loved me and now I'm being punished."

Benji could see that Beca's anger was at an ultimate max, even for her, and he knew he needed to do something to at least alleviate the situation before Beca strangled Jordan.

He took a deep breath for he was going to reveal something he had never told to anyone except Jordan in their private sessions.

"My dad actually liked Tom before he lost his job. I never told him that I was gay, but he knew…he had to know…then he started drinking and taking out his problems on me. My mom knew and my teachers knew…they saw the bruises, but they didn't care." He confessed.

Beca looked over to the boy on her left, knowing he made his confession in an attempt to take the spotlight off of her and for that she was grateful.

Jordan looked around the room and could see that the session had taken a toll on everyone including herself. So, despite there being 15 minutes left in the session, she released everyone early, commenting on the progress they made. Benji was the first one out the door followed closely behind Beca and CR who tried but failed to keep up with his fast pace as they made their way through the administration building. Slowing her stride, Beca leaned over and whispered to CR, "Who's Tom?"

Cynthia Rose looked ahead to make sure that Benji wasn't within earshot before directing Beca's eyes to the poster on the wall.

"He's their most recent convert and this year's poster boy. He's their success story, and unfortunately, he's Benji's ex-boyfriend. They entered the program together last summer."

Beca reached out and pointed to the blonde girl in the picture with him.

"Who's that girl with him?"

"That's Jennifer. She was his uni-partner the summer they were here. I heard they just got engaged." She explained as the two walked away from the poster and out of the building to their dorms.

"What's a 'uni-wife'?"

"Miss Mitchell didn't read the handbook?" CR asked in mock disbelief.

"Fuck no." she laughed.

"Why, that's against rule number one: all members are to read, memorize, and abide by this handbook lest face the consequences for such misconduct."

Beca laughed and pushed CR playfully. "God, you sound just like Aubrey!"

"I'm just kidding around. Besides, I think Posen's the only one who actually read that damn thing. Well anyway, in week twelve of this program Unification happens. Everyone is given a test to match them with a uni-partner and for the remainder of the program you guys are supposed to be attached at the hip hoping that it will unleash our inner heterosexuality." CR explained, finishing the sentence with a shudder in annoyance.

Beca rolled her eyes, "Does that actually work? Do people actually just become straight?"

"I never thought it was possible, but I've seen it happen. Some people just think their life would be better if they play along with society's rules."

"Well fuck society and fuck the rules that say I'm in need of fixing." Beca declared. CR smiled at her friend, nodding her head in agreement.

Beca reached out and opened the door to the dorms, allowing CR to enter first before following behind her. They came to CR's room first and the two parted, making plans to see each other at dinner. Singing lightly to herself, Beca made her way down the west corridor of the first floor where her room was. Knowing that it was highly unlikely that Aubrey would be undressed at this time of the day, Beca opened the door without bothering to knock. However, instead of swinging open like it usually did, it stopped midway, hitting –a person? She prepared to ask Aubrey why she was so close to the door when she recognized the white uniform the person was wearing.

Stepping fully into the room she took note of the two orderlies standing by the door as well as Mrs. Westmore standing by Aubrey's desk holding what Beca recognized was Aubrey's red journal. That can't be good. Beca looked over to where Aubrey stood in the corner, her eyes showing obvious signs that she had been crying.

"What's going on?" Beca questioned. Mrs. Westmore acknowledged her presence for only a mere second before turning back to the crying girl behind her.

"This is strictly forbidden." She promulgated.

"I'm disappointed in you Aubrey, you were making such progress." She continued and signaled to the orderlies to escort Aubrey out of the room.

"This will be shown to your father upon his next visit."

At this information, Aubrey began to break down even further and for a second, Beca felt bad…like really bad. Of all of the times she's seen the blonde crying, or wiping at her eyes trying to hide her despair, she doesn't think she's ever seen her look so—broken.

However, despite what sympathy she felt for her roommate, it wasn't like she could do anything. And besides, Aubrey was always getting on her for breaking the rules, so it serves her right. A taste of what she's always dishing out.

Flopping down on her bed, Beca sighed, but before she could reach down and unlace her sneakers, the door opened again. Yet, instead of Mrs. Westmore, who she was expecting, there stood Jane holding a basketball.

"Wanna play?" she asked. Beca shrugged,

"Why not." And she followed her back out the door.

The two made their way out to the basketball court on the far end of the campus and began to shoot around and talk about their lives back home, naturally finding themselves on the topics of their girlfriends.

"So what's she like?" Beca asked jogging to the basket to await Jane's shot.

Immediately Jane's face lit up. "Maura—she's amazing. Like I can't even explain it, sometimes it'll be just me and her laying in my room and I'll think—"

"It's too good to be true?" Beca asked, completing her sentence. She reached up to catch the ball as it ricocheted off the rim before dribbling it back to three point line.

Jane looked at her in surprise, "How'd you know what I was going to say?"

Beca shrugged and shot the ball. "I just know how it feels."

She watched as the ball tumbled through the net before putting up her hands to receive the ball that Jane was returning to her.

"Chloe, right?" Jane confirmed. "How come you're here and she's not?"

"Because she couldn't throw away her life by being sent here." She answered, bitterly shooting the ball again. Jane returned the ball and Beca shot it again, making it once again.

"Hey, you're pretty good. What's that, three in a row? You play ball before?"

"Nah, never on a team or anything. Back home, my friend Unicycle and I used to hang around the basketball courts and play whenever I needed to get out the house."

Jane nodded her head, satisfied with Beca's answer. Even though the question was simple enough, Jane could see the sadness on Beca's face and she had a strong feeling it had to do with that girl back home that left Beca.

"She really did a number on you, huh?"

Beca looked over to Jane from behind the basketball she held in front of her face.

"I guess you could say that, but it's not really her fault. Her parents are really strict and religious." She sighed. All of a sudden she didn't have the energy to shoot the ball and simply passed it to Jane instead. The two traded places on the court and Jane stood at the three point line dribbling the ball for a few seconds, focusing on the ball hitting the ground.

"You know, Maura and I had broken up before." She confessed. Beca looked at her in surprise and Jane nodded, "Yeah, it was after her parents found out about us." She shot the ball and watched it swish through the hoop.

"I was so stupid back then. But I honestly believed our relationship couldn't last—we were too different."

"How so?"

"Well she's from Brookline…everyone there probably makes in a week what my dad makes in a year…she's so darn smart and she knows everything about anything—but she'll never admit that, 'Jane, it's impossible for a human to know everything.'" She imitated, causing Beca to laugh soundly.

"She sounds like a great girl." Beca commented, catching the ball as it fell through the net.

"She is and I nearly ruined it by letting what everyone else thought get in the way of what we had."

Beca smiled, "well at least you came to your senses. Chloe just loves her parents, and I can't blame her for that. I know she wants to be with me, but she can't choose between her parents and me—and honestly, I'm not asking her to."

"What do you mean?"

"Soon enough, she'll be heading off to college in L.A. and I'm moving out there after I leave this hellhole so we can be together then. No parents, no racist cops, no homophobic teachers…nothing, just me and her."

Jane smiled at the other girl sadly. Watching her shoot the ball with that hopeful look in her eye, Jane wanted to desperately hope with her. She really did hope Chloe would take back Beca because she knew if she didn't it would surely kill the brunette.

"Come in" Beca called out to the person standing on the other side of the door.

Benji slowly opened the door and waved shyly at Beca.

"Hey, Benji, wassup." She sat up on her bed, slipping her song book back in its place under her mattress. After the whole thing with Aubrey getting in trouble, she definitely couldn't risk anyone seeing it.

"Hey Beca...I—I just wanted to come check on you and make sure you were okay after today's session." He explained.

"Well take a seat." She said, sweeping her hand across her bed to beckon him over. Benji smiled at her as he nervously ambled over to her bed.

"Did I interrupt anything?" he asked, pointing to the several cassettes spread out in front of her.

"Nah, I was just sorting through my tapes…you can help if you want." She offered. Benji took a seat and picked up one of the tapes, studying its cover.

"Thanks for doing what you did in group therapy today. I was so close to strangling that woman." Beca said after some time of silence.

Benji chuckled. "I could tell. You were like so red…but I understand. I hate talking about Tom just as much."

Beca looked sympathetically at him. "He was your boyfriend, right?"

Benji nodded sadly, not looking up from the tape.

"We were supposed to do this together. Come to the camp just to get my dad off our backs and then we'd leave and find a place of our own…he wasn't supposed to like that girl." He whispered sadly.

"What happened after you left last summer?"

"Nothing at first, then my dad saw Tom with that girl and he sent me right back here. 'If Tom can do it, you definitely can stop being a fag.'"

Beca reached out and touched Benji's hand lightly, an action very foreign to her, but for some reason comforting him seemed to come naturally. She quickly scanned the several cassettes in her lap and pulled out the one she was looking for.

"Hey, look. We don't have to talk about that loser. Let's—let's just listen to music." She put the tape in her radio and hit play. In an effort to cheer up Benji, she stood up and turned towards him.

"I bet you didn't know I'm like the best air guitarist east of the Mississippi." She proclaimed as the opening riff to Iron Maiden's "The Trooper" began to play. Her fingers blazed up and down the imaginary fret board as she played the opening riff charismatically. Benji looked at her and could barely contain his laughter. However, despite the ridiculousness of it, he actually loved this song and he loved to sing it even more. No one had ever heard him sing aside from Tom, but he guessed that he trusted Beca enough to see this side of him.

You'll take my life but I'll take yours too
You'll fire your musket but I'll run you through
So when you're waiting for the next attack
You'd better stand there's no turning back

He belted out the words in sync perfectly with Bruce Dickinson. Beca's eye brows shot up in surprise, not expecting such power from someone as meek as Benji. Nevertheless, she still had a song to perform and her solo was coming up. Benji pretended to be holding a microphone in the same manner that Bruce did and began head banging while she cranked out her "solo."

And as I lay there gazing at the sky
My body's numb and my throat is dry
And as I lay forgotten and alone
Without a tear I draw my parting groan

Beca finished out the song on her "guitar" and the two collapsed on the bed laughing.

"Dude, you're voice! You can really sing."

Benji waved her off, he was never one for compliments.

"Nah, it's nothing."

Beca jumped up, "what do you mean nothing. I've never heard anyone sing that song like you just did—well besides Dickinson himself—but you were pretty damn close."

Benji looked away, shaking his head in disagreement once again. Beca eyed him suspiciously before saying,

"Just wait till I tell Uni back home. He's gonna love you."

Benji opened his mouth to protest when the door to her room opened. Expecting it to be Aubrey, she immediately reached out and turned down her music. Both teens turned to see an orderly standing there looking at them with disdain.

"Beca. Benjamin." She grunted. Benji jumped up from the bed, scratching the back of his neck nervously.

"I'll see you later, Beca." He waved before quickly exiting the room without waiting for her response. He didn't feel up to being punished for being in her room.

"What do you want? I went to therapy." Beca complained wanting to know why an orderly was at her door when she'd done nothing wrong. If Aubrey ratted her out about having her song book, she swore she'd—

"You're designated phone time is now." The orderly explained.

Beca's eyes went wide. She didn't know she was allowed to call people. Jumping up, she anxiously followed the orderly to the room that held phone booths that she overlooked on her tour of the building her first day.

"You have 4 minutes." The orderly instructed before exiting the room.

There were several booths with payphones in them and best of all the desk in the room wasn't currently occupied by an orderly. She'd have the room all to herself. She quickly picked up the receiver and told the operator what number she wanted to dial. The idea that they were listening was a little unsettling, but at this moment she didn't care. She needed to make this call.

"Hello?"

Beca sighed into the phone. It felt like so long since she'd heard her voice and after hearing her she realized how much she really missed it.

"Chloe?" she whispered. She could hear a quick gasp on the other end.

"Beca? What—why are you calling? You know they'll find out."

"I just wanted to hear your voice." She admitted honestly.

She did want to hear Chloe's voice, that and other things. She also wanted to make sure that Chloe was still waiting for her. That she wasn't the only one holding on to this relationship.

"How—how are you?"

"I'm ok, I guess. The other kids here aren't that bad but everyone else is crazy. There's this girl Paulie, she's so damn funny and she's always breaking all the rules…" she stopped herself remembering she only had four minutes. She didn't want to spend it talking about this hellhole.

"…how's everything back home? "

"It's alright I guess. Unicycle came by the other day wanting to know if I had talked to you. He said to let you know that your mom is ok and that he goes by to check on her whenever he can."

Beca nodded her head at the good news. She was glad that he kept his promise.

"And you… how are you?" Beca asked, looking at the clock on the wall. She had two minutes left.

"I'm ok. The summer has been boring, but I'll be leaving in a couple of weeks."

"Huh, leaving? To go where?"

"I got my letter, Beca. They took me off the waiting list, I'm going to California!" she announced excitedly. Beca pumped her fist in the air in excitement.

"Barden accepted you! I'm so happy, baby. I know how much you wanted that scholarship."

"Yeah, but I have to leave early and do an internship before they'll give me the money so my parents and I are going to head out there at the end of the month."

"That's awesome, baby. You'll be in L.A. and after I get out of here, I'll be heading over there. It'll be like old times again."

Chloe sighed heavily. "Don't do that."

Beca's eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"Don't do what."

"Don't do that. Don't talk about the future…you know we can't get back together."

"But—but I thought—you said when we got out of Georgia, we could be together. You said that it was only your parents in the way— that we would get back together after I got out of here."

Dammit, she was crying. Beca looked at the phone in her hand as if she was looking through it at the redhead on the other end. What was her problem?

"Beca—we talked about this…we can't do this. It's—it's a sin."

"That's bullshit!" she screamed.

Why was Chloe doing this? Didn't she love her? She said she would wait for her. That she wouldn't give up on them. She did say that, right?

"Beca, please don't do this. I thought we knew where we stood on this. It has to be this way."

Beca shook her head over and over again, trying to stifle her sobs. She punched the wall in her front of her before angrily speaking into the phone.

"Tell me it was all a lie…tell me you didn't love me."

There was silence. If it weren't for the sound of breathing coming through the phone, Beca would have thought Chloe hung up.

After a long pause, Chloe softly whispered into the phone,

"You know I can't say that…Beca I did love you—I still do…but like I said, it has to be this way."

And with that she hung up, leaving Beca clutching the phone to her ear begging for her to come back to the phone. She called her name several times into the speaker but no response came. Beca slammed the phone back on the receiver before wiping at her tears. She bawled her hands into fists and made her way back to her room grateful that Aubrey wasn't there. Collapsing on her bed, she clutched the pillow to her face, screaming loudly into it to muffle the sound.

It wasn't fair. She believed Chloe when she said that she would wait for her. Why couldn't she keep her promise? Why didn't she want her anymore? Why didn't she need Beca in the way Beca needed her? They were supposed to be in love forever, that's what Chloe said.

Since when did forever have constraints?

Forever isn't supposed to end.

Forever isn't supposed to die…

But why does this feel like dying?