Someone asked me this question and I really didn't have an answer for them. What are pitch perfect fans called? Like how do we identify ourselves has a member of this fandom? Let me know what you think. Oh yeah, I have a tumblr so don't hesitate to follow me there. My url is just my name here, darkwriterxx94 and the rest of the jazz that goes in the url. Oh, I also must warn that this chapter may be triggering for people regarding self-harm so if it is, I'd recommend skipping the latter half of this chapter.
Beca and Aubrey walked side by side carrying their breakfast trays.
"C'mon, sit with us today." Beca offered, gesturing to the table with a head nod.
Aubrey stopped in her tracks, "I—I don't think that's a good idea." She whispered, stealing a quick glance where Paulie and Jane had just sat down.
"They all hate me, Beca."
Beca followed Aubrey's to the table where everyone sat and shook her head,
"That's nonsense. They won't give you a hard time and if they do they'll have to deal with me." Beca assured, taking Aubrey's hand and guiding her over to the table.
"There were five seconds left and then Larry Bird got open out of nowhere and just—" Jane trailed off at the sight of Aubrey taking a seat at the table next to Beca. She looked at Cynthia Rose in confusion and the pink haired girl shrugged her shoulders, just as confused as the Bostonian.
Paulie, obviously the boldest of the group, sat her coffee to the side before turning to Beca.
"Um Beca? What is she doing here?"
Beca continued to cut her pancakes, stealing a glance at Aubrey who looked on the verge of vomiting.
"She's sitting here with us today."
Aubrey watched with fearful eyes as Beca placed the butter knife she held down on the side of her plate before she looked up at Paulie casually.
"Do you have a problem with that?"
Paulie looked at her as if to ask if she was serious before picking up her coffee cup once again, "We haven't seen you in like forever so I guess if it gets you back to the table…" She replied. Beca looked at everyone else at the table.
Jane shrugged her shoulders in indifference, "I've got no problem with ya."
Cynthia Rose and Benji, the only two who had firsthand knowledge of Aubrey's past and the only ones with a reason to hate her didn't respond.
Beca sighed in annoyance, "Look guys, she's my friend…" she stole a glance at Aubrey offering her a quick smile before turning back to Cynthia Rose and Benji.
"Everyone here is giving her such a hard time, but she's in this camp just like the rest of us, sent here by homophobic parents that don't understand her. We all know what it feels like to be judged and yet you're turning around to do the same thing to her. Just—just give her a chance."
Cynthia Rose and Benji looked at one another before Cynthia Rose sighed, "Alright. She can sit here, but don't expect us to be best friends."
"That's ok. She's got me for that." She responded, discreetly reaching over under the table to take Aubrey's hand in hers. She could see Aubrey visibly relax at the contact and that made her smile.
Not letting go of Aubrey's hand, she used her right hand to pick up her fork and continue eating her breakfast.
Looking over to Benji to make sure that he was truly ok with it and not just going along with everyone at the table, she noticed that he was stirring the spoon in the bowl of cornflakes in front of him with one hand and the other absently picking at a large scab on his head.
"Hey Benji? What happened to your head?"
He looked up at her, his hand falling from his forehead as if noticing for the first time what he'd been unintentionally doing.
"I don't know. I'm probably getting chicken pocks or something." He responded with a nonchalant shrug and pushed away the bowl of soggy cereal."
It would explain why I'm hardly ever hungry."
Beca, satisfied with his answer, nodded her head and turned back to everyone at the table.
"So what were you guys talking about?"
Jane rolled her eyes remembering what they'd been arguing over, "Paulie thinks the Lakers are a better team than the Celtics."
Paulie nearly flipped her plate over when her hand slammed down on the table in protest.
"They are! They've won sixteen championships. Look at this past year's lineup. Plus they've got Kareem and Magic; you can't get a better team than that."
"Oh c'mon. Did you see the finals this year? The Pistons destroyed them." Jane argued.
Paulie rolled her eyes at Jane and turned to Beca. "Who do you think is the better team? Benji doesn't watch basketball so he can't vote, but C.R. agrees with Jane."
Beca, caught off guard nearly chocked on her pancake, eliciting a giggle from Aubrey.
"Um—Sorry Jane, I'm going to go with Paulie on this one. The Lakers are just better all around." Beca claimed causing Paulie to put up a triumphant fist.
Jane threw a straw at her, "So now we're tied. What about you Aubrey? Do you watch basketball?"
Aubrey's eyes widened as all of the attention was now directed at her.
"Um—I—I watch a little with my dad."
Jane smiled, amused by how much Aubrey reminded her of Maura in that instance.
"Ok, so which team is better, The Boston Celtics or the Los Angeles Lakers?"
"Bree, you don't have to answer." Beca chimed in.
Aubrey turned to Jane,
"Um well, Paulie, I can see why you think the Lakers are the better team since they have many of the league's best players making them a better team currently."
Paulie jumped up and shouted "I told you so!" to Jane.
"But—" Aubrey continued, causing Paulie to stop in her victory dance.
"The Celtics on paper are the better team. The Lakers do have sixteen championships but the Celtics have seventeen and each time the two teams met in the finals, the Celtics have won eighty percent of the time. And then finally there's Larry Bird. In my opinion he is one of the greatest players of all time. So, with that being said I'm in agreement with Jane."
Jane hopped up and pointed a finger at Paulie,
"Ha! I told you they were better. Aubrey you really know your stuff." Jane complimented, reaching out to give Aubrey a high-five, which confused her so she sat starring at Jane's hand for ten seconds unsure of what to do. It wasn't until Beca reached out and pushed her hand towards Jane that she realized what the brunette was doing and returned the high five.
"Whatever." Paulie murmured grumpily as she retook her seat and finished eating her oatmeal.
Beca smiled widely at Aubrey, happy that her friends were at least trying to warm up to her roommate.
Looking around the cafeteria trying to find a clock to see what time it was, her eyes landed on Eli, the charismatic kid from her therapy group. He sat with his head slowly falling backwards as if he couldn't control his neck. One of the counselors came over to him and placed a hand on both sides of his face to steady his head as she called his name. He didn't respond and she signaled for a nurse to come over. The nurse waved a flash light in his face and after a few seconds the nurse, with a grim expression, called for another orderly to help carry him out of the dining hall.
"What's wrong with Eli?" she asked. Everyone at the table turned to watch at the orderlies carried him out of the hall.
"Dr. Warner probably got carried away—again." Cynthia Rose explained.
"I—I don't understand. What do you mean he got carried away? What happened to him?"
"He just got back from ECT." Cynthia Rose elaborated.
Beca's eyes widened as she turned back to the scene on the other side of the dining room.
"Is that even legal?"
"No it's not." Aubrey said softly.
"Then why are they still doing it then?"
"Because most of the parents that brought their kids here didn't bother reading the contract they signed before handing over their children." Aubrey explained, before returning to her coffee.
Beca turned from the blonde to the rest of the table,
"What did he do?"
"Does anyone ever do anything to warrant that?" Benji said sadly. The table went silent after that, with everyone finishing up what was left of their meal.
After a while, in an attempt to change the mood Paulie smiled, "So what about Beca's right hook?"
This caused everyone to laugh including Aubrey, while Beca grew a shade redder.
"She hit him square in the nose and the bitch went down!" Paulie said jabbing her right hand to reenact the motion.
"Well he deserved it." She said looking at Aubrey who ducked her head in embarrassment.
"Yeah, we saw what he did to you Aubrey. It really sucked and luckily Beca was there to put him in his place or I would have done something…Maura used to get bullied like that back home and assholes like Jason need to be reminded that shit won't be tolerated. " Jane said.
Aubrey smiled sadly at her, sensing the genuine concern she had over what Jason had done to her last night and the thought made her smile. Maybe, just maybe she could make friends if she tried.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, you have a little less than ten minutes to clean up before you're separated to start today's group activities. The gentlemen will have the wonderful opportunity to go on a nature hike with Caleb while the ladies will head out back to the garden with Mackenzie."
As usual, a large growl of disapproval roared throughout the hall.
Benji rolled his eyes,
"Great! It's just another reason for a group of guys to get sweaty around each other. I'd swear they're trying to get us all to fuck each other." Benji mumbled causing everyone at the table to laugh except Paulie.
"They can't be serious." She said and stood up on her chair.
"Hey Westmore!" she yelled, cupping her hands around her mouth to be heard across the room. Mrs. Westmore looked up with a scowl.
"Yes, Pauline?"
"I got sent to isolation for growing a plant and now we're being encouraged to do that exact thing?"
Beca looked up at the girl and burst into laughter. Aubrey looked over at Beca and smiled softly to herself reveling on how much she was falling in love with that smile.
Closing her eyes, she shook her head knowing that the thoughts she was having were impure. That Beca was just a friend, just a friend. The last thing she needed was to taint the sanctity of their friendship, especially when it was still so pure. She repeated the mantra over and over again until the butterflies in her stomach dissipated.
"Pauline, you were trying to plant an illegal substance. That is why you were punished. We are trying to create proper young men and women not—criminals! We will not tolerate illegal behavior. "
"That's bullshit and you know it. What you did to Eli is very much illegal and yet you're shipping kids off to ECT whenever you get the chance. Last year you left Amber brain dead and she's still in the hospital. So who's the real criminal here?"
Jane nodded her head earnestly, completely agreeing with everything her roommate said. She started to clap, rousing everyone at the table to do the same. This quickly spread throughout the cafeteria and Jane stood on her chair as well, chanting Paulie's name over and over again.
"Paulie! Paulie!"
Beca motioned to stand up as well and join the chant, but was stopped by a soft hand grabbing hers.
Aubrey grabbed her hand tightly, whispering frantically,
"Please don't…I—don't leave me alone."
Beca looked at Aubrey in confusion. The blonde stared at her in complete desperation, gripping her hand under the table as if it were a life line which only confused her more. She wasn't going anywhere and she opened her mouth to voice this when four orderlies arrived and grabbed Jane and Paulie off of their chairs.
"Go ahead and throw us in isolation! It won't change the fact that you should be thrown in a cage and left there to rot!" Paulie screamed as the two were carried away. Hearing Paulie mention isolation, Beca realized why Aubrey stopped her from going. She wanted to question the blonde about the entire ordeal when she realized that she couldn't do so without someone overhearing now that so much attention had been brought to her table.
"Meet me in the bathroom in two minutes." She whispered.
She stood up and walked over to the orderly, Mackenzie, and requested permission to go to the bathroom. Once it was granted, she looked over at Aubrey who slowly nodded her head in understanding.
Beca quickly made her way to the bathroom and not long after stepping inside, the door opened.
"Beca, why did you want me to come to the bathroom?" Aubrey asked, leaving the door ajar.
Beca turned away from the sink and shrugged, "I don't know, more privacy I guess."
She stepped closer to Aubrey and took her hand.
"What was that in there? Why did you look like you were going to cry when I was about to stand up and join Jane and Paulie?"
Aubrey's eyes widened, caught off guard by the question.
"Um I—I…"
"Don't lie to me Aubrey. Just tell me the truth…why did you look so terrified when I was going to leave you?"
Aubrey wrapped her arms around herself in an attempt to calm the nausea overwhelming her. She turned away from Beca to try and gather some semblance of an answer. She realized that she had no choice but to be honest with Beca.
"I just—please don't laugh at me."
Beca's shoulders slumped, and she took a step towards the trembling blonde by the sink.
"Bree, whatever it is just tell me."
Aubrey looked over at Beca once again and exhaled deeply.
"I—when I saw Paulie and Jane stand up, I knew you would join them and get thrown in isolation as a result…Just the thought of you leaving me alone for the group activity it—it scared me more that it should have…I just—I was so used to being alone and now—and now having you in my life as my…as my friend…I don't think I can ever go back." She admitted, finally risking a glance at the brunette that stood next to her.
"C'mere, Bree." Beca said, taking Aubrey in her arms. Aubrey inhaled Beca's scent, reveling in the feeling of being in her arms despite the guilt biting at her heart. It just felt so—right. The tattooed arms holding her warmly, she wanted—needed—to remain there forever.
"Look Bree, I—I've never had friends before and—and I'm no good at it, but I can promiseyou that I'm not going to abandon you." She whispered into Aubrey's ear.
It was a promise she knew she couldn't keep because at the end of the summer they would part ways, but she knew it was what the blonde needed to hear.
Aubrey's grip around her tightened at Beca's admission and the brunette was content with holding her as long as she needed. They remained in each other's arms for a long time, satisfied with just holding the other.
Aubrey pulled away first after some time once she realized that it would be a matter of time before the counselors came looking for the two.
"I guess we should get back to the dining hall, huh?" she asked, sniffling lightly. Beca looked at her, her expression telling her that she had no problem blowing off the group activity if she wanted to.
"Um, yeah, I guess so." She replied, a hand scratching at the back of the neck awkwardly. Aubrey turned around to exit the small bathroom when Beca grabbed her hand.
"Wait—um, hold on a moment." She instructed and reached out with her hand to gently wipe away the remaining tears resting unshed on Aubrey's eyes.
"You're too pretty to cry." She whispered absently and continued to wipe away any signs that she'd been crying.
Aubrey gasped lightly at the comment and it was then she realized how close the two were. Aubrey caught herself looking down at Beca's lips. She wanted to kiss her, God how she wanted to kiss her and when she looked up she found Beca's piercing blue eyes looking down at her own lips for just a second before her eyes too wandered up to meet Aubrey's. She could hardly breathe and it felt that at any moment her heart would jump out of her chest at any second. Beca was so close; she could feel her breath on her own face and if she titled her head a little bit forward, their lips would touch. The thought excited her and absolutely terrified her.
Her whole body screamed at her to close the short distance between them, but somewhere in the back of her mind, the rational voice that always pulled her out of bad situations, chastised her and told her everything she thought—felt—was wrong, completely wrong.
So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.
She knew she shouldn't be doing this and she needed to put distance between herself and Beca before the sin consumed her. So, with all the strength she could muster, she took a tentative step backwards.
"We should go." She stated coldly and quickly exited the bathroom, not bothering to look back to see if Beca had followed.
Beca, still baffled by what just happened, absently followed Aubrey out of the bathroom and back into the dining hall where everyone was lining up to go to their respective group assignments. Lucky for them, they were able to sneak into the back of the line without being noticed.
All of the girls were brought outside to the main garden in the back of the camp where much of the produce used in their meals was grown. Mackenzie stood in front of them with a wide smile on her face.
"Okay ladies, as we mentioned before, you will be working with your roommates."
Beca looked over to Aubrey who still was ignoring her and asked, "Why do they insist on pairing us up with girls? Isn't that the opposite of what they want?"
Aubrey looked over at her and sighed, realizing that maybe Beca wasn't going to focus on their almost kiss in the bathroom like she thought she would. Besides, she couldn't go on ignoring Beca after begging her to stay with her during the group activity.
With a sigh, she looked at her roommate, "Goal number four: teaching how to form nonsexual, platonic friendships with members of the same sex."
"Oh really?" Beca questioned before bursting into laughter until she received a dirty look from one of the counselors warning her to stop.
All of the girls were instructed to come and get a basket with all of the tools they would need as well as a bag of seeds of their choice.
"I don't want plant some bullshit like daises or roses." Beca mumbled as they glanced over all of the variety of seeds.
"What about this one?" Aubrey suggested, picking up the packet with the label "coriander" on it.
"What's a coriander? I've never heard of it."
"It's a white flower that has daisy like petals and it means—usually—hidden worth."
Beca smiled at her, "Yeah, I think I like that one." She whispered so that only Aubrey could hear.
The two made their way to a secluded area of the garden, away from many of the other groups as well as the counselors and began to dig into the ground.
They proceeded to garden in silence enjoying the shared peace between them.
"My—my mother and I used to garden when I was little." Aubrey commented after sometime as she pulled some haphazard weeds from the ground.
"What happened?" Beca asked as she used the small hand shovel to dig a hole in the ground.
"My father came home from Vietnam." Aubrey responded bitterly.
Beca nodded her head, slowly doing the math in her head. Beca's eyes widened when she realized exactly what Aubrey revealed.
"But that was like 15 years ago."
Aubrey looked down at the pile of dandelions and crabgrass in her hands sadly, "And our garden hasn't been touched in 15 years."
Beca sighed and they returned to the shared silence they had previously. She helped Aubrey remove more of the crabgrass from the ground and hummed lightly to herself when she suddenly got an idea.
Aubrey jumped slightly at the sudden movement from Beca beside her. She looked over and saw the alt girl reaching into her pockets in search of something.
Beca scavenged around in her pockets for the piece of paper she shoved in there that morning in case she got a song idea while out here. Ripping off two small pieces, she reached into her shirt pocket and pulled out a golf pencil.
Aubrey watched her in confusion, "What are you doing?"
"You've never done this before?"
Rolling her eyes in impatience, she shook her head.
"What are you talking about?"
Beca chuckled and handed Aubrey one of the pieces of paper.
"Here, you take a piece of paper and I'll take one. We'll put down our wishes for the future, they're secret of course or else they won't come true," she said semi seriously causing Aubrey's lips to twitch as she tried to refrain from smiling.
"Then we bury them."
Aubrey looked at Beca and watched as she dramatically turned her back to Aubrey to write down her wish before the brunette turned back around with the folded piece of paper in her hand and handed her the pencil.
Aubrey looked at Beca once again before hesitantly accepting the pencil. She pondered for a few seconds on what to write but she knew what she wanted more than anything and that's what she wrote down.
"Are you ready?" Beca asked. Aubrey looked down at the folded piece of paper in her hands and nodded her head timidly.
Beca smiled and dropped her piece of paper into the ground, trying to hide the sadness that came with burying the wish.
'I wish I didn't have these feelings for Aubrey."
Aubrey watched as Beca's paper fell to the bottom of the hole before releasing her wish as well.
'I wish I didn't have these feelings for Beca.'
She sighed in relief. Although she knew it wasn't what was intended when the Gospel of Matthew insisted that she cut off and throw away that which caused her to sin, but burying this wish, in by extension burying her desire, she felt a little more optimistic about her circumstance. That maybe, just maybe she could get better.
\***/
"I thought gardening was the only thing we had to do." Beca said, as she flopped down on her bed, exhausted from the sweat she worked up from gardening. She was covered in dirt and sweat and wanted nothing more than to take a shower and get in a few hours of sleep before dinner.
"No, we have some sort of presentation today in the church." Aubrey answered as she grabbed the things required to shower. Beca rolled her eyes and lied down on her bed as Aubrey stepped into the bathroom to shower.
Aubrey removed the long sleeve shirt she wore and placed it neatly on the sink with the rest of her things. Making sure Beca wasn't near the door, she reached down and quickly removed the white bandage on her arms. Afraid to look at the damage she'd done to her wrist that morning, she stepped under the spray of the warm of water and allowed it to cascade down over her hair, effectively silencing the world around her.
"I don't ever want to see you do this again?" Amanda whispered. She reached out and grabbed Aubrey's hand, the blood still running down her wrist from where she'd painted her it in scars. Both girls watched as the water from the shower head, mixed with the crimson liquid and slowly washed it down the drain. The two were completely alone, a rarity in the Posen house. Amanda had come over after school in search of the blonde who'd been absent that day. She climbed up the tree that led straight to the balcony of Aubrey's room and found her girlfriend sitting in the shower, slicing away at her pale arm. Aubrey hadn't even noticed when Amanda walked into the bathroom, removed her clothes and silently stepped into the shower with her.
Aubrey looked down up her hands, for the first time seeing the damage that she'd done and broke down crying. Her knees buckled under her and Amanda quickly caught her, wrapping her arms protectively around her girlfriend's waist. Aubrey's arms wrapped around the brunette's neck and pulled her closer as she cried into her curl mane.
"He just makes me feel so bad about myself. I—I really hate myself." She sobbed, her arms tightening around Amanda's neck, not caring that the blood from her open wound was messily running down Amanda's back.
"Baby, don't worry. Sometimes I hate me, too, but you want to know what makes it all better?"
"What?" Aubrey mumbled.
"I love you and you love me." She whispered, placing a chaste kiss on Aubrey's forehead.
"But what if I'm not strong enough, huh? What if one day I just can't take it anymore?" she questioned, red puffy eyes meeting cinnamon ones.
Amanda reached out, forcefully taking Aubrey's chin between her fingers. She didn't want to hurt her, but she needed her to know how serious she was.
"Aubrey, don't you ever think about leaving me behind!" she fumed. Swallowing the large knot in her throat from the emotion welling inside her, she reached out and wiped away a tear.
"I love you so fucking much and if I had to stay behind without you in my life, I'd end it without a second thought. Do you hear me? If you fucking kill yourself, I'd never get the chance to mourn you because before your body even got the chance to go cold, I'd put a bullet in my head."
"You'd—you'd do that for me?" Aubrey stuttered.
"Baby, I've—I know it seems crazy like some shit out of Romeo and Juliet, but in the two years I've known you, I can't even explain how much I love you. Just promise me one thing."
Aubrey smiled and nodded her head.
"If you ever feel like it's too much—like this world is too much…"
Amanda reached down and took Aubrey's bloody hand, kissing the open wound. Not caring that Aubrey's blood was smeared on her lips, she smiled softly.
"We're going to end it together. Ok? Do you promise me?"
Aubrey leaned in and kissed the brunette.
"I promise."
Aubrey opened the door to the bathroom, a cloud of steam escaping the bathroom around her. She opened her mouth to let Beca know the bathroom was free but her words were caught in her throat at the sight of her roommate. Beca stood by her closet, absently skimming through her clothes.
She instinctively started to quote rule twelve but the sight of Beca in nothing but a sports bra and blue and white stripped boy shorts made her breath hitch.
Beca turned around and smirked at her, "I shouldn't be long. Are we going to the presentation together?"
Aubrey absently nodded, tearing her eyes from Beca's abdomen she walked over to her side of the room to get changed.
True to her word, Beca emerged from the bathroom less than ten minutes later, her skin glistening from her shower.
Aubrey, who'd been patiently waiting on her bed for the alt girl to finish getting dressed, stood up abruptly and proceeded to leave the room to give her privacy.
When she walked past the brunette, Beca reached out and grabbed her hand. Aubrey stopped suddenly and her eyes immediately traveled to Beca's chiseled abdomen. It was toned and she wanted nothing more to reach out to touch it, to feel it against her own.
"You don't gotta go. I trust you." Beca said with a smirk, tearing her eyes from her reverie. Aubrey turned away from Beca to hide her blush and walked back to her desk, pulling her bible out immediately.
\***/
Beca followed Aubrey into the pew of the second row and took a seat. She wasn't particularly happy about the fact that they were so close to the front since it hindered her from falling asleep during the presentation but Aubrey chose the seats and she followed.
The two sat alone in the pew since Cynthia Rose and Benji opted to sit off to the side stating they didn't want to be in the front, but Beca knew it was because they still harbored animosity for Aubrey.
"Good morning ladies and gentlemen." Mrs. Westmore said into the microphone of the podium in front of them.
"Today we are lucky to have a special guest with us who's willing to speak with you all about this difficult path you have embarked on. He entered this program like all of you last year and successfully completed his treatment. He's here today to offer you words of advice and insight into the life on the other side of homosexuality. Ladies and Gentlemen, give a welcoming hand to Tomas Porter."
Beca looked over at Aubrey with a smirk when no one clapped accept Mrs. Westmore and the few orderlies that were scattered throughout the room. Aubrey bit the inside of her cheek in an attempt to contain her own smile which caused Beca raised an eyebrow and reach out to poke Aubrey's side, eliciting a surprised yelp from her. Mrs. Westmore glared at the two as she stepped down from the podium and Beca pointed an accusing finger at Aubrey who shoved her lightly.
"You're going to get me in trouble." She reprimanded quietly unable to keep the smile off of her face.
"So? It's more fun that way." Beca responded with a smile matching the blonde's.
The two turned back to face Tom at the podium.
"Hello everyone, my name is Tom Porter and like Mrs. Westmore said in her introduction, I entered the Westmore Institute last summer. Some of you may even recognize me from my time here but that isn't to say you are failures. Some of our roads are paved with more obstacles than those around us and these obstacles make this journey that more difficult." He stepped from behind the podium, comfortable that his voice would travel through the church without the mic.
"I was seventeen, and I was comfortable with myself. I was out and proud and nothing could stop me. Then, I was sent here. At the time it seemed like the worst thing that could have ever happened to me but looking back, this institute saved my life."
"Bullshit." Beca mumbled and received a light smack on the hand by Aubrey warning her to behave.
"I thought I was happy but I really wasn't. I was constantly harassed and beat up when I walked around with my boyfriend."
Beca noticed that he glanced over at Benji when he mentioned boyfriend and her heart ached for him. Beca snuck a glance over to the other pew where Benji sat and could see how visibly tense he was. She knew it must have sucked for him because if she were in his position and had to watch Chloe stand in front of them and talk about how sick she was when they were together, she'd probably lose her mind.
"My parents didn't completely accept my lifestyle and I knew I was living a very limited life. Friends of mine…close friends of mine were dying left and right of that new disease, the acquired immunodeficiency syndrome. I—when someone used to date came up positive I realized that I was playing with fire and needed to turn my life around. Coming to this institute and allowing their treatment to actually work, not fighting everything they offered, I did get better. Between its discovery in 1981 and today in 1989, One hundred thousand cases of that disease have been reported and I nearly became one of them. I was terrified to learn how close I was to nearly ruining my life with that disease, but the Westmore institute changed that. This camp step by step is changing the statistics."
Beca rolled her eyes, having had enough of this circus show. Not caring about the repercussions of what she was about to do.
"You want to know how the statistics are going to change. How about stop trying to covert gay males and actually educate them about being safe. Then maybe the statistics would change."
\***/
"I've never seen so much repression in one person." Beca said as they exited the church not failing to notice that Aubrey's mood had changed dramatically. The girl was always high strung but now, it was like the two weeks they progressed in their friendship hadn't even happened.
"Are you ok, Bree?" she asked. Aubrey looked at her, her hand playing with the cross around her neck absently.
"Um, I'm not feeling well…" she lied.
"I think I'm going to go back to the room and lie down for a while." She explained weekly.
Beca narrowed her eyes at the blonde in suspicion,
"Do you want me to come back with you?" she offered seeing that it was obvious Aubrey was hiding something from her.
Aubrey shook her head, "No, I'm ok. You—you just go to dinner, I'll be alright."
Beca looked at her and asked if she was sure once more before making her way over to where Cynthia Rose and Benji stood outside the church.
"Wassup guys, am I the only one who thought that Tom guy was a complete closet case?" she joked. Benji frowned and walked away from the group. She put her hands up in defeat.
"Dude, what's going on? Do I smell or something?" she asked, taking a whiff of one of her armpits.
"Aubrey left and now you, too?" she called to his retreating form. Cynthia Rose waved him off,
"Don't mind him. He always gets like that when Tom is involved. C'mon let's go to dinner, Paulie and Jane should be getting out of isolation by now anyway."
Beca turned from where she was watching Benji walk to the dorms and nodded her head and followed her to the dorm.
\***/
Beca walked with Cynthia Rose over to the table where Jane and Paulie sat, arguing once again.
"Dude, Nightmare on Elm Street was so much better than Friday the Thirteenth!" Jane yelled.
"What are you two arguing over now?" Cynthia Rose asked, taking a seat next to the Italian.
"This idiot over here thinks Jason was a better killer than Freddy Krueger. Freddy could get Jason in his sleep before he even got the chance to grab his machete. "
Beca just shook her head as she took a bite of her burger, glad that she finally got some food in her stomach after the long day they had.
"C'mon, Jason doesn't even sleep. Anyways, if Freddy and Jason were ever in a movie together, Jason could totally kill Freddy before he got close enough to do anything."
"Well, they'll never be in a movie together anyway." Beca said, trying to end the argument. Cynthia Rose looked over at her with a smile of appreciation, tired of hearing the two argue over and over again.
"So how was isolation?" she asked and both girls rolled their eyes.
"Boring as hell, like usual. You'd think they'd actually have a punishment that didn't involve me falling asleep during it." Paulie explained and reached over to Jane's plate to steal a French fry. Jane slapped her hand away before she could grab another one.
"I've gotten used to it. Twelve hours is nothing, I just sleep for like seven and the other five I think about offensive and defensive plays." She said with a simple shrug.
"Where are Benji and Aubrey?" Paulie asked noticing that their table was more empty than usual.
"Aubrey went back to the room because she was sick and Benji just walked off somewhere after the presentation." Beca answered.
Remembering Aubrey had gone back to the room, her concern for the blonde returned. After that near kiss in the bathroom she knew she couldn't lie about her feelings anymore. And honestly, after finally admitting to herself that she did in fact like the blonde in a more than platonic way, the thought didn't scare her like she thought it would. She realized that she really liked being around her. So, now that she wasn't with her, she had to confess, she missed her.
"What's wrong with Benji?" Jane asked, taking a bite of her hand burger. Ketchup slipped from between the burger and bun, landing on her chin. Paulie reached out and wiped it away from the Italian's chin causing Beca to raise an eyebrow. She knew Paulie probably didn't mean for it to look as affectionate as it did, but she couldn't say the same for Mrs. Westmore.
"Dude, um—do you two have a thing going on or something? I mean—mean if you do I don't—" she stuttered, suddenly feeling stupid about saying anything at all.
"Beca—it's just how we are. Besides, she's like my sister. Doing anything with her is just weird." Jane explained, cringing at the thought.
Paulie, punched Jane's arm in mock anger.
"What's that supposed to mean? Jane you couldn't handle the things I'd make your body feel." She claimed, wiggling an eyebrow suggestively at her roommate.
"Whatever," Jane said, pushing Paulie back. "So anyway, what was wrong with Benji?"
"Tom was the guest presenter." Cynthia rose responded and Paulie's hand flew to her mouth in surprise.
"No shit? Dude, he must be taking that pretty hard?"
"Yeah, he is." Cynthia Rose said.
"Westmore is a complete asshole. Beca, did you know when they arrived here last year, she outright told them she would make it her mission to ensure they weren't together by the end of the summer."
"That's crazy. That woman needs to be committed to a mental hospital."
"Most definitely." Paulie agreed and stole another fry off of Jane's plate. The Italian conceded and pushed her plate over to the blonde to eat the remaining fries on her plate. Paulie smiled and took a handful of fries and shoved them in her mouth.
"You know I heard that she was diagnosed with schizophrenia when she was younger."
"That's just a rumor." Jane said and Paulie shrugged.
"So what if it is. That doesn't mean she isn't crazy."
"Well I hope we all make it out alive before her craziness ends up killing one of us."
\***/
After dinner, Beca separated from everyone else and made her way back over to the male dorm with two extra sandwiches and bottles of water in hand for Aubrey and Benji.
"Knock knock, can I come in?" by the time the entire question was out of her mouth, she'd already entered his room and was only asking as a formality.
"What are you doing here Beca?" Benji asked, turning back over to face the wall.
Beca walked over to his bed and took a seat at the foot of the bed.
"Well, I thought I'd bring you a sandwich. You know, since you didn't eat." She said trying to make a joke to lighten the mood.
"I'm not hungry." He murmured, not bothering to acknowledge Beca any further.
"Dude, what's up? You're not eating, your mopping around and don't give me that bullshit excuse that you're sick because that still doesn't explain why you took off after that presentation with that loser, Tom."
"Beca, I really don't want to talk about it ok!" he yelled. Beca sighed, standing up to place the sandwich and bottled water on his desk.
"Alright, I'll go, but Benji you're going to have to talk to someone eventually because whatever it is, it's eating you alive." She stated and turned to walk out the door.
"Wait..." he called softly. Beca turned around and looked as Benji turned around to face her. He sat up sadly and scooted back on his bed to lean against the wall.
"I—I just hate talkingabout Tom." He began. Beca walked over and took a seat next to him.
"It's ok Benji. I'm not here to judge you, I'll just listen." She offered. Benji looked over at her and smiled softly.
"When we broke up, he absolutely destroyed me. I didn't eat or sleep…it was like my life revolved around him and without him—I was lost. I—I started sleeping around with older guys. They were nice at first, welcoming me into their circles of friends and making me feel a little less alone. But now I realize, they were using me and I was using them to get over Tom." He sobbed, wiping away at his falling tears. With a soft chuckle, he looked over at Beca through blurry eyes.
"I must look pretty pathetic, huh? Crying over a guy I broke up with over a year ago."
Beca reached out and rubbed Benji's back soothingly.
"No I don't. You were in love and although it's easy to fall in love...it hurts like hell to just leave all of that behind...i would know." She whispered sadly.
"I thought I was over it, but today in the church…the way he would look at me…it was like the last year of our relationship didn't even happen—like I meant nothing to him."
"I'm sure that's not true…he just—from what I can tell from that presentation earlier—he's afraid. Being gay, lesbian, transgender, anything outside of the normal isn't easy. It's hard, it's hard as hell, and not everyone is strong enough to continue being honest about who they are. Benji, you didn't allow this place to change you and that makes you a hell of a lot stronger than he could ever hope to be in his pretend heterosexual life."
Benji looked at her, searching for honesty in her eyes and when he found nothing but sincerity he smiled softly at her. Beca matched his grin, glad that she was able to cheer him up.
"Oh, shit, dude. You're nose." She said, her smile transforming into a frown the moment she saw blood drip from his nostril. Benji reached up in confusion only when he saw the blood on his fingertips did he stand up. He walked over to his closet to grab a towel and Beca stood up.
"Thanks for coming over, Beca. I feel a whole lot better." He admitted before replacing the towel on his nose.
"No problem." She said, picking up the sandwich and water she got for Aubrey. She walked over to the door and pulled it open.
"Oh, yeah, don't lean your head back. Let the blood drip down into a trashcan or something. Aubrey said it's safer that way. Something about blood in your windpipe." She suggested before exiting the room and making her way over to her dorm.
Once she made it to the girl's dorm, she made her way down the corridor to the far end of the hallway where her room was.
After struggling to get the door opened, since both of her hands were occupied, she walked into the room.
"Bree, I brought you back a sandwich, I hope you like tuna. I would have tried to get you a burger or something but Mackenzie was standing by the burger line and I couldn't steal one." She said trying to juggle the stuff in her hands.
"Beca, don't—" Aubrey began but it was too late. Beca had already looked over and caught sight of the razor in her hand as well as the fresh burgundy liquid pooling down her arm, collecting into her hand, despite the fact that Aubrey tried to hide it behind her back.
Beca's eyes widened and she immediately rushed over to the blonde, throwing the sandwich and bottled water onto her bed.
"Aubrey what in the hell are you—why are you cutting yourself!" she screamed. Aubrey snatched her arm away from the brunette, not caring that she was getting blood everywhere.
"Leave me alone Beca!" she cried.
Beca reached over to her bed and grabbed her towel that she'd carelessly left there after her shower.
"No, Aubrey. I'm not just going to leave you alone when you're bleeding like this." She argued while wrapping the towel tightly around the blonde's wrist.
"Why are you acting like this, Beca? We went over this."
Beca shook her head angrily.
"No we didn't! I know about the whole rubber band thing—but this—this is not ok. Is the rubber band not enough?" She asked and pressing down on the towel, not noticing the discomfort it caused Aubrey.
"No it's not… It was never enough." Aubrey whispered, finally acquiescing and allowing Beca to try and stop the blood.
Beca suggested the two lay down so that Aubrey wouldn't get dizzy from the blood loss. Too, exhausted to put up a fight, Aubrey relinquished and laid down, resting her head lightly on Beca's chest while Beca kept constant pressure on Aubrey's wrist. Beca reached over and turned on Aubrey's side table lamp when the sun went down, leaving the room in a dim light.
She wrapped her free hand around the blonde and lightly ran her hand through her hair; something Beca knew always calmed her whenever Chloe did it.
"Bree, I don't care what anyone tells you. You don't have to punish yourself for loving someone."
"Why do you care? No one likes me. I'm a failure that will never be good enough. I'm destined to be alone" Aubrey retorted, afraid to look up and meet the brown eyes she knew were staring down at her.
Beca was silent after that, trying to come up with an answer. With a soft sigh, she looked down at Aubrey who had finally found the courage to look up at her.
"Well no has ever liked this alt girl with piercings and tattoos. Before Chloe I was alone and after her I am. We—we can be alone together."
The two grew silent after this, allowing the shared peace between them to lull them to sleep.
A few hours later Beca awoke at the feeling of constant trembling in her arms. It took her a moment to realize what exactly was happening, but after the fog from her mind cleared she realized that Aubrey was shaking in her sleep, which she concluded was probably another nightmare.
"Aubrey…c'mon Bree, wake up. It's just a dream." She cooed softly, shaking Aubrey lightly. Fortunately, it didn't take that long for the blonde to be pulled from the nightmarish subconscious she found herself in whenever she closed her eyes.
"Was it another nightmare?" Beca whispered. Aubrey's grip around her waist tightened as she nodded softly.
"About Amanda?"
Aubrey didn't respond at first, but after a few seconds she realized that maybe it was time that she was honest with Beca. She'd been dealing with this on her own for over a year and a half now and the weight of this burden was killing her.
"Yeah it was…I—every time I sleep, I see what happened…how I broke my promise."
"Amanda? What are you doing here?" Aubrey asked, looking around to make sure none of the girls from school saw her walk over to Amanda's car. She loved her girlfriend, but with her tattoos and leather jacket, she stuck out on this side of town like a sore thumb.
"I came to pick up my girl from school." Amanda answered with a smirk, as if it were obvious, reaching behind where she was leaning on her car to open the passenger side door for the blonde.
Aubrey smiled and walked closer to the red convertible, but when she got closer she took note of Amanda's face. She was wearing sunglasses today, something she'd rarely seen Amanda wear. However, it wasn't the glasses that caught her attention; it was the fact that at the edge of her lower right eye, she saw something. It was the purple swelling of a bruise." Any fear that she harbored about anyone seeing them vanished immediately and she reached out to her, softly touching her upper cheek.
Amanda's smile fell and she shut her eyes at the feeling of her girlfriend's gentle touch. Reaching up, she placed her callused hand atop Aubrey's soft one and leaned into her touch.
"I thought your father stopped drinking…" she said, trailing off at the sound of a group of girls passing by them. Aubrey didn't remove her hand, however. Her main concern at this moment was the girl in front of her who'd been beaten—again—by her father. Amanda allowed Aubrey to pull the sunglasses off her face, which revealed the extent of the bruise under her eye.
"What—what happened?" she questioned with a shaky voice.
"He—he found out about you…" she said sadly.
Aubrey's hand immediately fell from Amanda's face. Fear immediately raced through her at the thought of Amanda's father knowing about them—even more, her father knowing about them.
"But—but how? We were careful."
Amanda took a step back from Aubrey at the sight of a group of cheerleaders exiting the school. Once they passed, she closed the distance between them.
"He—he came home and said someone at the construction told him that they saw us at the ice cream parlor."
Aubrey could feel the green bile making its way into her mouth and she needed to calm down if she didn't want to spray her lunch all over her girlfriend.
"How—how did this happen? We were careful." She cried.
Aubrey stepped back, clutching her stomach as nausea overcame her. Sensing that her girlfriend's nervous tick was about to rear its ugly head, Amanda immediately rushed over to her and wrapped her arms around her.
"I'm so sorry baby, I wish I could have protected you from all of this, I really wish I could have." She whispered, kissing Aubrey lightly on her forehead.
"C'mon, let's get out of here." She suggested, helping Aubrey into the car. She shut the passenger side door before quickly walking around to the driver's side and climbing in. The car peeled off just a few moments afterwards and Amanda drove them out to the only place she was sure they would be alone.
It didn't take long for them to arrive at the train tracks that separated the working class of Atlanta with those of the middle and upper class. It was where they first met two years ago after they each tried to find refuge from their lives back home.
Putting her car in park, Amanda unbuckled her seatbelt and turned in her seat to face Aubrey, who was still silently crying to herself.
She reached out and grabbed her girlfriend's hand, lacing their fingers together.
"Bree, I gotta tell you something."
Aubrey turned from where she'd been absently staring ahead to her girlfriend, who she noticed, for the first time, had begun to cry.
"My dad—after he got tired of hitting me…he said that he was sending me away—to some camp in south Georgia and then away to military school."
Aubrey opened her mouth but only a gasp escaped. She reached over and quickly wrapped her arms around Amanda's neck to pull her closer.
"They can't send you away…I need you Amanda." She cried, her pleas muffled by the raven curls she buried her face in.
"Don't worry, baby…I'm not going to let it happen." She reassured, reaching over to check the time on the pocket watch she kept on the dashboard.
"Aubrey, just remember that whatever happens, I love you. I need you to remember that."
Aubrey nodded her head, a little confused by Amanda's change in demeanor from sadness to desperation. She hated when she got like this because she could never read her.
Amanda reached out and checked her watch again before slipping it into her pocket. Aubrey watched her step out of the car and she quickly exited the car to follow her.
Amanda stepped onto the train track before turning around to face her.
"Do you remember when I first met you?" she asked.
"You were sitting right here writing in that journal of yours; it's still some of the best poetry I've ever heard." She said, extending a hand to Aubrey, beckoning her to join her on the track.
Aubrey reached out hesitantly and after making sure a train wasn't coming, she took hold of the brunette's hand and stepped onto the steel track.
"Yeah. You were pissed that I was here taking up all of the 'peace and quiet' as you so eloquently put it." Aubrey said, laughing softly at the memory.
Amanda reached out and snaked her arms around the blonde's waist, pulling her closer. Aubrey stared into the brown eyes that captured her heart and stood on her toes to kiss her lightly on the lips. Amanda placed her hand on Aubrey's cheek and deepened the kiss. Neither wanted to part for air. Both wanting desperately to be as infinitely close as possible. Only did Aubrey step back when she felt the wetness of a tear land on her cheek and merge with the one's falling from her eyes.
"Aubrey, they're trying to tear us apart. They're sending me away and I—I can't let that happen." Amanda sobbed. The sight of her girlfriend, one she'd never thought she'd ever see cry, breaking down in front of her made her heart ache painfully.
"What are you planning to do?" she asked, but before Amanda could give her answer, the faint sound of a bell ringing echoed throughout the air. Looking over at the railroad crossing sign that blinked furiously, Aubrey turned back to Amanda with wide eyes.
"Amanda, we—we can't."
Amanda took both of her girlfriend's hands between hers and kissed them lightly.
"We promised each other a long time ago that when it got too much to bear, we'd—we'd end this together…that we wouldn't leave the other behind. Aubrey, baby…I can't do this anymore. I want to end it now." She said with a hopeful smile on her face, her eyes shining with unshed tears.
Aubrey looked at her through conflicted eyes and looked out into the distance at the approaching train.
"Amanda…please don't—"
"You said you'd love me forever and they won't let us have it!" she cried, holding onto Aubrey's hands desperately, tears falling shamelessly down her face.
"What are you talking about? What won't they let us have?"
"Forever." Amanda cried out.
"Our forever doesn't exist in this world." She sobbed.
Aubrey's tears were falling freely now and she snatched her hands from Amanda's, quickly reaching out to hug the brunette.
Amanda buried her face in the crook of Aubrey's neck and whispered,
"Will you follow me to forever?"
"I—I—we don't have to do this Amanda. Please don't do this." She cried.
Amanda looked at her girlfriend trying to hide the look of betrayal that matched that which spray was painted on her heart. The blare of the train was getting frighteningly closer and Aubrey knew her opportunity to step off this track was growing slimmer and slimmer.
Aubrey stepped back off the tracking knowing…hoping…praying that Amanda would follow her. When she saw that Amanda hadn't followed her, her knees buckled under her. She tried to call out to Amanda but she was frozen. Her words caught in her throat, stuck like molasses.
With a sad smile, Amanda placed a hand on her heart, "Forever Bree, I'll be waiting."
And then she was gone.
Beca held Aubrey as she broke down into a deep cry, clinging to Beca as she cried hard into the crook of her neck.
"I made her a promise, Beca. I promised her that I would go with her and I didn't."
Beca's heart broke at hearing the truth behind Amanda's death. No wonder Aubrey was as scarred as she was. Abandoning the towel she held to Aubrey's wrist, she adjusted her body so that she could fully and completely hold the blonde in her arms.
"Bree, it's going to be alright. It's not your fault…sometimes other people's pain is just too much for them to bear. You can't blame yourself for not going with her."
"But Beca, it is my fault." She cried. "She told me, she told me that she couldn't live without me and I still let her go. I let her die and I didn't even say goodbye." She cried, sorrow and despair surging through her body.
Beca didn't know what to say after that, so she just remained quiet and held the blonde as she cried.
After a few hours, Aubrey's tear ducts ran dry leaving her with only sporadic sniffles.
"Aubrey, you're crying like this happened just today. I know she was important but no one cries as hard as you just did over someone they've lost and grieved two years ago."
"I—I never even got to grieve her." Aubrey responded.
"Her father didn't have a funeral for her and my father he—he would just…he would just lock me in the closet whenever I mentioned her or cried over her. I just learned to bottle it all up, but eventually something had to give…you can't just ignore or drop the type of love I had for her." She explained sadly.
Beca looked down at the girl in her arms with concern.
"What do you mean he locked you in the closet? Why would he do that?"
"He used to use it as a punishment whenever I misbehaved. I—he would throw me in the hall closet and leave me there; sometimes for hours…and now I can't stand to be in small places for long."
"But—isolation, that's like a closet. How'd you avoid that for so long?"
Aubrey wiped at a tear and adjusted to a more comfortable position in Beca's arms.
"By making sure I'm the star pupil who never gives them a reason to send me there."
Beca looked down at Aubrey and noticed that her eyes were closed, probably in an attempt to sleep brought on from the exhaustion of crying.
"Aubrey?" she called out softly
"Yeah?"
"Thanks…thanks for trusting me."
Aubrey didn't say anything, and just tightened her arms around Beca's wrist.
Beca waited a few minutes for Aubrey's breathing to even out, signifying she was asleep before closing her eyes. Yet, before she could doze off, she remembered the discarded towel she left on Aubrey's wrist. She reached down and took hold of the blonde's wrist that was still wrapped in the towel.
Beca pulled away the towel to check to see if the blood had finally stopped.
The sight was hard for Beca to grasp but she couldn't look away. Aside from the fresh cuts Aubrey had just made, there were other wounds that were scabbing over, ugly soft yellow crusts working to join the puffy reddened flesh back together. Her arm was a grotesque patchwork of unbroken flesh, hardening scabs and shiny new red stripes of skin and these scars, inside and out made Beca love her more. Wait—love? Yeah, love. Seeing this, seeing how scared inside and out, that Aubrey actually was and realizing she didn't think any less of her—Beca knew she couldn't deny it any longer…she was in love with Aubrey.
Whew, this was a lot. Sorry for the long wait but I decided to add another element to the story and that took a lot of reworking of the timeline for this story. Thanks for being patient with me. Did anyone notice that Aubrey lied to Beca about never having a nickname? What did you guys think about what Aubrey revealed? Let me know what you all think about any of the questions I posed as well as what the official name of Pitch Perfect fans are.
