So before I begin this chapter, I want to announce that the pairing for my next story will be Mitchsen. Honestly this wasn't a surprise and I kinda expected it. Now onto the story.
Sacrifice
"You're going to get shampoo in my eyes," Aubrey giggled, resting her head back on Beca's shoulder so that the brunette had better access to her scalp.
Beca rolled her eyes playfully and continued to work the shampoo through Aubrey's blonde tresses. She leaned forward and kissed Aubrey lightly on her shoulder and said, "Well if you'd close your eyes like I said."
Aubrey peeked open an eye and turned around, "Well it's kinda hard to keep my eyes open when you continue to nip at my shoulder and neck. You're supposed to be washing my hair."
Beca reached a soap covered hand down to poke Aubrey in the side causing the blonde to yelp loudly.
"Really, Beca?" she laughed. She reached up into her hair and grabbed a handful of suds.
Beca, fortunately, was able to see what Aubrey attempted to do and she grabbed her hand before the blonde could smear shampoo suds in her eyes in revenge. She gently pushed Aubrey against the tiled wall pinning her hands up above her head, "Real mature Ms. Posen," she whispered causing Aubrey to laugh lightly.
Aubrey raised an eyebrow, "Oh, I'm immature?"
Beca nodded her head, trying to keep a serious a face, "Yeah. Did you know it's rude to try and rub soap in a person's eye?"
Aubrey's face sobered and she leaned forward, whispering lightly, "Well then I guess you'll just give me a lesson in manners, huh?"
Beca smirked coyly, "Is that right?" She stepped closer and dropped Aubrey's hands, reaching out to rest them on each side of Aubrey's neck, gently stroking her collarbone with her thumb. Aubrey linked her fingers behind Beca's neck and smiled. Their lips were inches apart, lightly ghosting of the others, and each time Aubrey tried to take the step to connect their lips Beca pulled back.
"I'm so glad I finally have you," Beca admitted with a small smile.
Aubrey nodded her head, "Me, too" and closed the distance between them.
\***/
From the moment Mr. Jareau walked through the door, Beca knew something wasn't right. She didn't need to wait for the topic of the day's seminar to be laid out in front of them or explained. She didn't need to even make eye contact with the man to see the smile on his face that skillfully hid so much more. Based on the last session he held that sent her girlfriend into a terrifying panic attack, Beca knew this was the session that Cynthia Rose and Benji warned her about. Today was the day.
They were going to try and break one of them.
"I know as a teenager, it is hard wanting to feel accepted." Mr. Jareau began without preamble, letting his folders and notes hit the table at the front of the room. Beca looked over at Aubrey sitting across from her and made a silly face. When the blonde caught her eye she shook her head and tried to hide her laugh, mouthing for her to behave. Lucky for them, this seminar was only for girls so she didn't have to worry about Jesse being in her ear about one thing or another. She could spend the entire time focused on Aubrey.
Mr. Jareau walked around the dining hall, looking from table to table at each teen as he continued. "Today, we will focus on an important topic in the community you all claim to be a part of. Depression and Self Esteem."
Cynthia Rose scoffed and turned away from the therapist. She leaned in and said, "Oh, here we go. Today they're going to try and get one us."
Beca looked at Mr. Jareau and when she saw that he wasn't looking their way she asked, "What do you mean?"
Paulie looked at Cynthia Rose and silently asked for permission to cut in and answer. "There's always at least one," he explained sadly. "Last year there were four, including Tom. They have all these tricks and mind games and after this session they begin singling out people who they think they can convert."
"My bet is on my roommate, Barb," Cynthia Rose said, gesturing to the brunette sitting by herself at the table across from them.
"In recent population-based public health studies taken on several campuses, high school and university alike, several statistics have shown that there are higher rates of recurrent major depression among teens ages 14-22 that identify as homosexual as well as higher rates of anxiety, substance abuse, and self-harm. These are what we're going to focus on in particular during this next hour." Mr. Jareau paused to let what he just said sink in before continuing.
"I think it's a safe bet to say that just about everyone in this room, including myself, has at some point in their life felt unattractive. I mean look at me, I'm overweight, I have bad eye sight and am prematurely balding." This earned him a few laughs, which he took in stride and continued on with his lecture.
"Why am I saying this? I'm pointing this out because in your efforts to gain acceptance you took a wrong turn, especially if you've dealt with bullying or harassment. When you're little you constantly do things to gain your mother's attention, whether it's jumping around, drawing on the wall, or even breaking things. It's the same case with homosexuality. You don't receive enough attention from your mothers so you seek it in other surrogate woman. Feel free to refrain from answering, but does anyone care to share their experiences with self-esteem whether negative or positive?"
For a moment there was only silence in the room with everyone steeling glances at the other tables to see who would be brave enough to raise their hand. Just when Mr. Jareau opened his mouth to move on, Bologna Barb (as Cynthia Rose Predicted) meekly raised her hand.
Mr. Jareau smiled brightly, glad that someone was willing to participate. "Barbara, care to share?"
"I don't know—I'm just so tired of people getting angry at me and hating me. I—I see the way my mother looks at me when she comes to visit—as if I were the worst thing on the planet." She paused to wipe at her eyes.
Beca chanced a glance around the rest of the room to gauge everyone's reactions. Jane and Paulie were looking down sadly at their hands and when she glanced over at Aubrey, the blonde looked back at her with a sad smile. For the first time Beca realized that not everyone had the luxury of being indifferent to their parents and their approval. They all actually cared about their families and for a moment she envied all them. They all actually lost something when they came here…love.
"I—I just know there has to be a better life than this and if being straight is it then count me in because this one sucks. It really does…" and she broke down crying again.
Mr. Jareau looked at her sadly and turned back to everyone. He took in their expressions and said, "I take it you all related to Ms. Waters. Okay, I have an idea." He walked over to the table where he placed his folders and pulled out a stack of blank paper and began to hand them out.
"I want you all to make a list. I want you to write at least ten things you like about yourself. Don't worry, no one will see these but you and afterwards you can dispose of them however you please. This will just serve as an exercise to reflect on the positives in your life aside from the negativity stemming from your alternative lifestyle."
Beca accepted the paper being passed to her and waited for Mackenzie to walk around handing out pens.
"What is this, Girl Scouts of America?" Paulie asked, accepting the handful of pens Mackenzie handed her. She took one and passed them around the table.
Beca took the top off her pen and began writing down random things that she at least thought were interesting about her. It probably would have been more appropriate to write a list of all the things she hated about herself. Yeah, that definitely would have been a longer list.
After managing to get four things down including her song writing ability and her guitar talent, she looked up and saw that the other girls at her table managed to jot down a few things as well. However, when she looked across the table to Aubrey, she noticed that her girlfriend just sat staring at a blank paper.
Without even thinking, Beca took Aubrey's paper from in front of her. The sudden action caused her to look up abruptly. She opened her mouth to protest, but stopped when she took in what Beca was writing at the top of her paper.
What I like about my girlfriend.
She couldn't hide the large smile on her face as Beca quickly filled up the paper with over twenty different things before Mr. Jareau called for them to stop, and even then Beca kept writing. Aubrey tuned out Mr. Jareau when he began speaking again and just simply watched Beca write, wishing she could see what she was writing. Unfortunately, Beca realized not long after beginning that Aubrey was watching her so she hid the paper behind her arm. After a few more minutes, Beca picked up the paper, scanning over what she wrote. Seeming satisfied with what she wrote, she passed the paper to Aubrey.
Aubrey took the paper and looked at the list, unable to help the tears that formed almost instantaneously at reading number 1.
Her smile: When I close my eyes and I can see nothing but the darkness of my eyelids and mind, just the thought of her smile is bright enough to keep me awake all night thinking of a million ways to see that smile every day.
\***/
Aubrey looked at her reflection in the mirror and for the first time, in a long time, she smiled. She genuinely smiled. And despite how much she felt she was still displeasing God, she just loved Beca too much to let it stop her. God she loved her so much and it scared her sometimes to think that she loved her as much as she did. She could never say that to Beca, though.
She knew how much she hurt the small brunette each time she didn't utter those three words back but she's only ever said those words to one other person.
Amanda.
She just wasn't ready to disconnect from her and by saying she loved Beca, by fully committing herself to the brunette, she would have to let go of Amanda. She just wasn't ready to make that leap. So for now, she was content laying in the dark with the small brunette, lightly tracing 'I love you' on her body until she gained enough courage to actually say it.
She took a deep breath and exited the bathroom, smiling at the sight of Beca laying on her bed on her stomach, chewing on a pen as she wrote in that red notebook she hid between her mattress.
She walked over to her bed where the brunette was resting on her stomach, "What are you writing?"
Beca looked up from her book and shrugged, "A song—well not really a song, more like jotting down random lyrics." She crossed a few words on the page and she moved over to make room for Aubrey.
Aubrey lied down on her back, draping her arm over her stomach. She watched, contently, as Beca continued to write, taking in and loving the way the brunette's eyebrows knitted together as she thought and how her nose wrinkled whenever she thought of a new line. After a few minutes of silence with Aubrey quietly watching Beca write, the brunette stopped her task and looked over at Aubrey. She smiled and playfully poked the blonde in her stomach with her pen causing the blonde to giggle playfully. Beca smirked and her eyes landed on Aubrey's arm that, for the first time wasn't covered in some sort of bandage or first-aid gauze.
Reaching over, she picked up the blonde's arm and kissed her wrist lightly. "You know I tried cutting once," she said, picking up her pen again to resume writing.
Aubrey immediately turned on her side to face Beca, resting her head on her hand. "Really?
"Yeah and it hurt like a bitch. Never tried that shit again," she said with a playful but angry laugh, causing both girls to laugh. Beca began writing again, both girls falling into silence again.
Aubrey looked at Beca and hesitated before asking, "That—that song you sang at the talent show…was that for me?"
"Yeah it was…" Beca trailed off, trying to gather her thoughts. "It was the only way I could really say to you what I felt, if that makes sense. I—I don't really know how to explain it."
Aubrey shook her head and placed her hand gently on Beca's arm to calm the brunette. "No, I get it. It's the same way with my poetry. What's that saying? 'Paper is more patient than man.'"
Beca looked at Aubrey and smiled as she whispered, "Yeah it is. It's just—when it's just me and my pen, I can think clearly and I can really hear my thoughts and everything isn't –"
"A jumbled mess?"
"Yeah…exactly." Beca put her pen in her book and closed it this time before turning on her back to lie more comfortably.
"Have you ever written anything about me?"
Aubrey rolled her eyes before admitting with a playful smile, "More than I care to admit."
Beca chuckled as she asked, "Can I hear one?" When she saw Aubrey hesitate she quickly sat up to retract her question, "If you want. I mean, I know that it's private and if you don't want—"
Aubrey shook her head, and leaned over to kiss Beca lightly on her lips, "Beca, baby it's okay. I'll read you one of my poems." Turning over slightly, she reached into her bedside drawer and pulled out the small black journal. When Beca saw the journal she smiled. Aubrey got up and climbed onto Beca, straddling her waist as she opened her journal and flipped through the pages.
When she found the poem she wanted to read, she held its place in the book with her thumb before look down at Beca, "But you have to remember the rules. No comments after, okay?"
Beca nodded and when Aubrey was confident that she would keep her word she reopened her journal and began to read.
Soon, as surely as love leads us
like a white announcement
through the negligee of night,
always, its course returning with dawn,
soon, your arrival finds my body:
gentle manger, its vocation of jasmine—
see how you have fashioned
a procession of flowers from me?
how my belly holds a hummingbird?
For a moment Beca was quiet, taking and comprehending the poem. The imagery and beautifully crafted diction made Beca lay and stare at her girlfriend in pure bewilderment. How could someone so talented be so unsure of herself? "Why a hummingbird?"
Aubrey looked down at Beca, biting her lip to refrain from speaking right away. She wasn't even sure if she was ready to answer the question. She bared her soul in her poems and although she wouldn't tell Beca she loved her, the imagery in her poems said it for her. With a sigh, she placed her journal to the side and looked back at her girlfriend.
"A humming bird normally flutters it wings anywhere from 40-80 times a second and during courtship it increases to nearly 200 times."
She reached down and took Beca's hand and guided it under her shirt. She placed her hand atop Beca's as it rested on her abdomen.
"Whenever I see you, Beca…whenever I feel you on my skin…I can't focus and there's this constant flutter in my stomach that's more powerful than any bullshit butterfly that everyone else talks about. Beca, when I kiss you…and feel you, it's like i can't breathe—"
Beca reached out and placed both hands around Aubrey's waist, tightening her grip on her girlfriend's soft skin as she finished Aubrey's sentence for her. "And trying desperately not to drown in what it is you're making me feel?"
Aubrey's breath hitched as she looked down at Beca, her green eyes locking with the grey ones beneath her. Beca's hands traveled from Aubrey's waist to her neck, pulling her down gently until their lips met.
Aubrey straightened her body as the kiss increased in intensity until she was laying completely on Beca, while the brunette's hand slid into her hair as a soft moan escaped her lips. Aubrey's hand slowly hovered over Beca's belt buckle. She lifted her mouth from Beca's and quickly released the leather around Beca's waist from its clasp. Aubrey fumbled with the button and zipper of her jeans but when she finally released it, she quickly reengaged Beca in a kiss. Finally, she thought before her hands slipped over the cotton of Beca's underwear. Beca was so enamored by the kiss that she failed to realize what Aubrey was doing until she felt Aubrey's hand in her pants. Her eyes flew open and she quickly grabbed Aubrey's wrist.
Aubrey looked down at Beca and could see the nervousness on her face, "I—I'm sorry. Do you want to stop?" In that moment Aubrey realized in the past three times they were intimate, Beca had never allowed her to touch her and seeing the expression on Beca's face now, she knew there was more to this than Beca let on.
Beca bit her lip and tried to calm her breathing as she looked at Aubrey knowing that she'd hurt her girlfriend's feelings by stopping and not letting the blonde touch her. She had her reasons, however, and they all had to do with her traumatic childhood. Even with Chloe, it took nearly a year before she allowed the redhead to touch her. Don't get her wrong, she had no problem being on the giving end of sex but receiving was a different story. Being so vulnerable to another human being was something that Beca hated and it took an extreme amount of trust for her to allow someone to see her so expose and defenseless.
"I—I'm sorry but I just can't right now."
Aubrey nodded her head, trying to hide the hurt on her face as she said, "It's ok." She moved to climb off of Beca but the brunette held her in place,
"No it's not, Bree, and I know I hurt your feelings but it's not you I swear. I—I'm the one who's messed up, not you."
"No really, Beca, I understand…" Aubrey said and climbed off of Beca, taking a seat next to her on the bed. "All through our relationship Amanda never let me touch her. Not once. And whenever she would push my hand away she would always say 'It's not you, I swear. I'm the one who's screwed up, not you…'" she trailed off and looked down at her hands sadly as she continued with, "she would take my hand and kiss it lightly before saying 'you're perfect.'" Aubrey looked over at Beca and chuckled sadly.
"I'm sorry—I know it's rude to talk about her now that we are together but I just can't forget over her."
Beca sat up and wrapped an arm around the blonde to comfort her, "And I don't expect you to…I—I've really come to like all of you guys, Benji, Paulie, Jane, CR," poking Aubrey in the side she chuckled and finished her statement, "and you. If one of you were to ever just commit suicide I'd—I don't know what I would do. I don't think I would be able to handle it." She focused on the girl in her arms before her brain could run away from her and begin to picture the scenario she just spoke of. "So I don't blame you for still thinking about her."
Aubrey wiped at her eyes and turned her head to face Beca, "Thank you."
Beca smiled softly and placed a hand on Aubrey's cheek, "I love you, Bree," before leaning in for another kiss.
Aubrey reached up with her free hand and wiped away a few brown locks that had stuck to Beca's forehead from sweat brought on by the Georgia heat. She opened her mouth to respond, but was cut off by the sound of their room door flying open.
"Hey, do you guys—" He stopped short at the sight of the two women making out in front of him.
Beca's hand immediately flew to her waist in a quick attempt to re-button her pants as she yelled out, "Shit, Benji don't you knock?"
Benji looked at the two with a mischievous grin and walked further into the room, "Ooh—I told you Becs, Aubrey would get her shit together sooner or later."
Beca rolled her eyes and finished buckling her belt "God, could you close the door."
Benji quickly turned around and shut the door, "Oh yeah, sorry."
Benji pointed to the two, "So when did this happen?"
Beca rolled her eyes and looked over at Aubrey who sat with an annoyed look against the wall. She turned back to Benji who had taken a seat on Beca's bed across from them, "I don't know? Friday?"
"Friday! That was two days ago. Why didn't you tell me?"
Aubrey spoke up, "Because we wanted it to just be between us for now without you or Paulie making jokes."
Benji smiled sadly at the two, "I wouldn't make fun of you guys. I was rooting for you since little Beca here admitted she had a thing for you. I'm just glad you guys are finally going to get your happy ending. Well as happy as it could get in this hellhole."
Beca shrugged her shoulders and looked at Aubrey who glared at her in annoyance. "Well enough about us. I thought your dad was coming to visit?"
Benji chuckled, "The bastard never showed up. I guess it's for the better. I didn't really want to see him anyway."
Aubrey looked at Benji and said, "Well, not that we don't appreciate your company, what did you come barging in here for?"
Picking up on Aubrey's attitude he put a hand up in protest before responding, "Well I'm sorry you two didn't lock the doors before you decided to fu—"
Beca's eyes widened as she cut him off midsentence with a shout of, "Benji!"
"I'm just kidding. Actually, I came over here to ask if you guys were going to see the movie they were showing down by the lake. They're supposed to have a projector and everything. Kinda like the drive-ins back home. I know you hate movies and all, but Cynthia Rose and I were headed down there." He paused, gesturing to the two, "However, if you two want to stay here and um, 'workout,' I won't blame you."
Benji laughed at his own joke and simple Beca rolled her eyes at him as Aubrey scoffed in disgust. Of course she couldn't expect him to be mature about this.
"You're so annoying," Beca said and turned to look at Aubrey. "Do you want to go to the movie?"
"But don't you hate them?"
Beca shrugged, "So? If you want to go, I don't mind it."
Her anger from being caught by Benji seeming to dissipate almost immediately, Aubrey nodded her head.
"Ok. But I'll probably have to sit with Luke."
Beca sighed heavily realizing it meant she would have to sit with Jesse. Shaking her head she said, "You know what? It doesn't even matter because at the end of the day you're still my girl."
Aubrey smiled widely at her, "I like the sound of that."
"The sound of what?"
"Your girl. I like the sound of that."
"Yeah?" Beca whispered and leaned closer to her girlfriend, effectively ignoring the nagging thought at the back of her mind that Chloe used to say the exact same thing to her.
"Yeah."
"And that's never gonna change," she said, leaning in to kiss Aubrey.
Benji waited a few seconds for them to separate before clearing his throat loudly, "God, you two are so disgustingly adorable."
There was a knock at the door and the two girls quickly separated just as the door opened to reveal Mackenzie. "Aubrey you have a visitor waiting for you in Mrs. Westmore's office."
Aubrey looked at Mackenzie in surprise at the news before looking at Beca and Benji and nodding okay.
The three watched her leave before they stood up. Aubrey looked at Beca and said, "I guess I'll meet you guys there."
The small brunette nodded her head, "Yeah, ok."
When she saw Benji step over the threshold of the door, she quickly grabbed Aubrey's hand before she could follow and kicked the door shut. Before Aubrey could inquire into the brunette's actions, Beca placed her hands on Aubrey's hips and pulled her back into her. Taking a few steps forward, Beca led Aubrey to the wall next to the door and connected their lips. Instantly Aubrey's hands shot up and laced themselves in Beca's hair, pulling the small brunette closer to her.
After the need for air became dire, the two separated although they didn't put any distance between their bodies and rested their foreheads upon the other
Beca opened her eyes and looked up, "See you at the movie?"
Aubrey smiled and reached down to lace her fingers with Beca's, "Yeah."
With one last kiss the two separated and exited the room, ignoring the Cheshire grin on Benji's face. Beca and Aubrey held hands until they reached the main hall of the dorms and were forced to separate. Beca and Aubrey shared one last lingering look as they walked out the main entrance before Aubrey turned left to head down towards the administration building while Benji and Beca turned right to head to the lake.
As the two made their way towards the far end of campus where the movie was being shown, Benji looked over at Beca and smiled at the content look on the small brunette's face. "So I take it your happy."
Beca looked up at him and shrugged her shoulders, "I'm cool."
"Beca, I can see it in your face. So, you don't have to lie."
Beca sighed and glanced over her shoulders to where Aubrey was walking in the distance, "What do you want me to say? I'm fucking elated. I—I don't even know what it is. I'm not normally like this but that girl does something to me that I can't even explain. I get all tongue tied and my heart speeds up and—"
"You get butterflies in your stomach?" Benji added.
Beca shook her head, "No, more like hummingbirds." Once the words left her mouth, she stopped suddenly and turned towards the taller boy. She grabbed him by his arms and excitedly declared "There's freaking hummingbirds in my stomach." She understood what Aubrey meant now. She'd always felt this away around the blonde, but now she truly could put into words.
Benji laughed and took in her excitement, "Hummingbirds, huh? You must be in love then."
"Yeah I am," she said softly and looked out into the distance, lost in the thought of actually being with Aubrey, having the blonde return her affection and not push her away anymore. She turned back to Benji and quickly masked her happiness, realizing how much she had revealed to him, "and if you repeat what I just said to anyone I will end you Benji. The last thing you'll have to worry about is H.I.V."
Benji put his hands up in surrender, "Wow, Aubrey's changed you."
Beca shoved her hands in her pocket and resumed walking with a small smile, mumbling, "Yeah, she has."
\***/
The moment Aubrey walked into Mrs. Westmore's office and saw exactly who her mystery visitor was, she stopped in her tracks.
"Father?" she forced out lightly.
Richard Posen turned from where he was talking to Mrs. Westmore and acknowledged his daughter
"Hello, Aubrey. It's so good to see you." He walked closer to the teen and hugged her lightly, an exchange foreign to both of them. At the feeling of his arm mechanically engaging her in a hug she couldn't help but remember the only other time he ever hugged her was when she won the town spelling bee. However, she wasn't sure if he was happy because his daughter managed to accomplish the feat at the age of six or because his daughter gave him another reason to brag about the successes of the Posen lineage. Receiving a hug from Richard Posen and not a pat on the shoulder was a big deal and it only meant one thing.
She actually did something right.
Taking a step back from his daughter, he gestured to Mrs. Westmore behind him, "Mariam here tells me how much progress you've made and that you've met a nice boy. Lucas, is it?"
Aubrey, still distracted by the idea that her father was smiling, well as much as Richard Posen could, stuttered out "Um—um yes it is. He's my unification partner."
Mrs. Westmore walked from around her desk and came to stand next to Mr. Posen. "He's a nice young man and he tells me that he and Aubrey have really connected."
Richard nodded his head in approval, "That's great to here." Turning to fully face the older woman, he asked, "Um—do you mind if I have a moment with my daughter alone?"
"Of course. Take all the time you need, but before I got I just want to say you've raised a wonder young girl who is fully dedicated to recovering and I'm sure in few weeks' time she will be on her way to living the Christian life style you've always envisioned for her. Is that right, Aubrey?"
Aubrey had to restrain from rolling her eyes at the false enthusiasm Mrs. Westmore was paying her father, and she simple said "Yes ma'am."
Mr. Posen watched Mrs. Westmore exit the room, shutting the door behind her, before gesturing to the two chairs in front of her desk. Both Posens took a seat and Aubrey sat patiently waiting for her father to speak first.
"Aubrey, I just want to say I'm—I'm proud of you and how much effort you're putting into this." He paused, almost unsure of what to say next and the sight disheartened Aubrey. The idea that he didn't even know how to speak to his own daughter was quite pitiful. As if offering praise was almost painful for him.
With a stern glare, he reached out and placed a hand on his daughter's shoulder, "I've made sure you were raised knowing that Posens aren't weak and don't fall prey to disgusting and sinful tempestuous lifestyles like homosexuality. Posens are strong. Homosexuals are weak."
Aubrey looked up from where she was fumbling with her hands and immediately finished his sentence before she was even aware of what it was exactly that she was saying. "Posens aren't homosexuals."
Mr. Posen squeezed her shoulder lightly, "That's my girl."
At hearing the term of endearment, Aubrey couldn't help the influx of tears that bombarded their way past her the barriers of her eye lids, no matter how hard she clenched her eyes shut. Mr. Posen watched as his daughter began to cry and he sat, stunned into silence, contemplating what to say next.
"What's wrong? Why are you crying?"
Aubrey's hands flew up before falling back in her lap as she confessed, "Because I—I've never heard you say anything like that."
Mr. Posen frowned at her confession and dropped his hand from his daughter's shoulder. "I—Aubrey, listen. When I came home from Vietnam, I never fully learned how to turn off that part of my life. When I was younger my father used to lock us in the bread closet to punish us and raised a belt to our backsides when we needed it. I'm not saying I was perfect but I did what I did because I know what it takes to be a Posen and if I didn't raise you with an iron fist you would have strayed." He looked down at his pants and absently dusted off a piece of lent before looking back at her with a stern glare.
"I guess I didn't come down you hard enough because look at you now. You did stray."
Aubrey watched him stand before quickly reaching out to grab his hand to stop him from taking another step.
Tightening her grip as Richard tried to pull away from her grasp, she cried out, "No father, please don't go. I didn't stray. I'm getting better, I really am. I really like Luke and I can see myself marrying him if he ever asked. I learned so much this year and I realized that I did what I did with Amanda because I missed mom," She wiped at her eyes desperately, not wanting to give her father another reason to consider her weak before continuing.
"I realize now that homosexuality isn't the life that Jesus wants for me and I need to take responsibility of my failures in the past. I know that I'm a Posen and that I need to start acting like one."
Mr. Posen turned around slowly and watched as his daughter cried like a child for him to not leave her. For a moment, he felt bad. Just for a moment.
"Let me prove to you I am strong…please…please don't walk away."
With a sigh, Richard reached out and pulled his daughter to him. Aubrey launched herself into his arms and held on to him in a vicelike grip before he could change his mind and leave her. She buried her face in his the crook of his shoulder and sobbed over and over again, "Let me show you," and "I'm strong."
\***/
"Do you know what movie they're showing?" Beca asked as she and Benji walked further down the makeshift aisles trying to find Cynthia Rose.
Benji shook his head and pointed to Cynthia Rose when he spotted her pink hair towards the front of the crowd. "Nope, probably something that came out when Westmore was our age."
"Did they even have cameras in the eighteenth century?" Beca joked, earning a laugh from Benji. They made their way over to Cynthia Rose but before Beca could get closer she heard someone call out her name. Turning around to see who had called her, her shoulders slumped in disappointment when she saw Jesse sitting there with a wide grin waving her over to him. She looked back at Benji who shrugged his shoulders. With an aggravated sigh, she turned on her heels and stomped over to where Jesse sat on the grass.
"Hey Be-ca—" he stopped short of uttering her nickname and quickly corrected himself, "Beca."
Beca raised an eyebrow at him, and nodded her head in approval at his quick correction before taking a seat on the blanket next to him.
Jesse smiled at her and reached into his JanSport. "So I managed to grab some snacks for us before they were all out. They had sandwiches but you'd think everyone was starving the way they grabbed up all the food." He pulled two wrapped sandwiches out of the bag and handed one to the small brunette, "I had to give someone five whole bucks for these so I hope you like ham and cheese."
Beca looked down at the sandwich and smiled softly as she accepted the food being offered. "That—that's sweet."
Jesse returned her smile and handed her a juice pouch, "And I managed to snag a box of gummy bears and milk duds as well. I had to all but fight Barb over these, though. That girl is a lot stronger than she looks."
Beca placed the sandwich in front of her and removed the straw attached to the front of the Capri Sun. She could feel Jesse watching her struggle with the simple task but she refused to ask for help. Why couldn't she just get the damn straw in the hole?
In an effort to get the attention away from her she said, "You must really sweep the girls and boys off their feet." Finally succeeding at puncturing the pouch with her straw, she looked around to see if Aubrey had arrived yet. The blonde was just making her way over to wear Luke sat in the back row and although she didn't look her way, Beca could tell she was upset. Figuring her meeting didn't go well and making a mental note to ask about it back in their room, she turned back to Jesse.
"Oh, no I don't have a girlfriend."
She let out a sarcastic gasp, "What? But you have juice pouches and gummy bears." She took a sip of her juice and asked, "What are you anyway?"
Jesse looked up from where he was opening his sandwich, "What do you mean?"
"Are you gay? Bisexual?"
Jesse shrugged and took a bite of his sandwich, "I don't know. I mean I find girls attractive like the next guy but then there was that summer in ninth grade with my neighbor Kolio and junior year I had this fling with this girl, Amber, but back then she was Aston."
"What, was she transgendered?"
"Yeah, well kinda. She was still physically a boy but she dressed as a girl but whenever I asked her what she was she said she was just Aston." He reached over and picked up his juice pouch and opened it with relative ease before looking back at Beca, "It didn't really matter though because Amber/Aston, she was still there on the inside."
Beca smiled and took in what he said. Maybe she had misjudged him after all and he wasn't as bad as she initially assumed. "That's—that's really noble. So do you identity as bisexual since most of your relationships were with girls?"
Jesse took another bite of his sandwich, "I don't know honestly. Kolio was this artsy kid that liked to brag about reading Nietzsche and Freud for fun. One summer he was reading some book by Freud and he showed me this definition about people that love all genders. What was it he called it?" he looked up into the sky as he thought, "Pansexual I think. Yeah that's it. He said it was for people that were open to relationship with all people."
Beca picked up her sandwich and removed the saran wrap, "Well do you think that fits you?"
"I mean I guess. I dated a boy, a girl, and a transgendered girl so I guess it fits. It was just easier to tell my parents that I was bisexual than try and explain that to them."
Beca nodded in understanding at his response and both teens turned to face the front when the large screen in front of them lit up. At the sound of glass shattering and the opening dialogue sounding throughout the open air, Jesse's head whipped up and he threw his hands up in the air.
Beca looked at him in confusion, "What's wrong with you?"
Jesse turned to her excitedly, "Do you have any idea what movie this?"
"Um? Terminator?
Jesse shook his head and laughed in bewilderment, "No, silly. It's the Breakfast Club. Pure cinematic genius."
"Um—ok," Beca said, not quite sure how she should respond. She and Jesse adjusted their positions so they could watch the movie comfortably. As the movie began, the noise in the crowd began to die down as people became more engrossed in the movie, everyone except Beca. For the next hour and a half she sat daydreaming about nothing in particular with her mind wandering to Aubrey on several occasions. However, as the movie approached its conclusion, her train of thoughts were interrupted by Jesse whispering to her,
"This is the greatest ending to any movie ever. This song launched Simple Minds in the US. Could have been a Billy Idol song, but he turned it down. Idiot. Perfectly sums up the movie. It's equally beautiful and sad."
With an unamused sigh, she said "That is fascinating"
Fortunately, Jesse didn't look away from the screen so he couldn't see her face or how indifferent she was to his statement when he mumbled, "I know, right."
Deciding to amuse the brunette, Beca said, "Tell me, what does Judd Nelson eat for breakfast?"
"Oh, well like all misunderstood rebels, he feeds on hypocrisy."
"Sure."
"And black coffee, to help with his morning dumps."
Beca couldn't help the small chuckle that escaped her as she whispered, "You're an idiot."
"It's true. As me anything, I'm full of fun facts."
"You should let other people tell you they're fun."
The two went back to silence after this as the movie reached its end. As the credits began to roll, Beca sat up on her knees to help Jesse clean up the food wrappers, gathering the saran wrap and empty candy boxes in her hands.
Jesse looked up from where he was gathering their trash and said, "I can walk you back to your dorm if you want."
Beca opened her mouth to reject his offer but when she looked around for Aubrey, whom she intended to walk back with, and saw that she'd already left, she acquiesced.
"Um sure, that's fine."
After cleaning up and gathering Jesse's blanket, the two deposited their trash in the bins the counselors set out before making their way back to the dorms.
"Now that you've seen 'The Breakfast Club,' you definitely have to come over and see another movie."
"Um—I don't think that's a good idea. You know how I feel about movies."
Jesse shook his head refusing to take no for an answer, "Well that's because you haven't seen any of the good ones. How about Saturday? We can have a whole marathon, like a—a movie-cation. Yeah that's what it is, a movie-cation."
Beca rolled her eyes as she watched him jump around excitedly.
"Yeah, I packed some of the classics too. We can watch Jaws and Rocky. Oh and I can't forget Grease."
Beca watched him start dancing around singing what she assumed was a song from that movie Grease.
I got chills, they're multiplying
And I'm losing control
'Cause the power, you're supplying
It's electrifying!
"God, you're such a dork."
Jesse smiled at her and stopped dancing, falling in line beside Beca as they continued the walk back to her dorm. "Yeah, but you gotta admit, I'm starting to grow on you."
Beca looked at him with an unamused glare before sighing, "Yeah, I guess so."
Jesse excitedly pumped his hands in the air at her confession, "See I knew it. If you just gave me a chance, I told you we'd be perfect for each other."
Stopping immediately, Beca sighed in frustration and glared at him in anger. Why did he have to go and ruin a good time. Just when she thought he wasn't a complete jerk, he goes and says something like that.
"Jesus Christ, Jesse! Why'd you have to go and do that?"
"Do what?" he asked, startled and confused by her sudden outburst.
Beca ran her hands through her hair and angrily declared, "I don't like you, so would you back off?"
He looked around to see if her shouting brought them any unwanted attention. When he saw no one had stopped to pay attention to them, he looked back at Beca and tried o hide the hurt in his voice as said, "Calm down, why are you getting so upset?"
"I'm upset because no matter how many times I try and tell you, you won't listen. I'm not attracted to you."
"I'm sorry for liking you. You're so cool, Beca. You like music and you're funny and so beautiful. Am I wrong for liking you?" He stepped closer to her and Beca immediately pushed him away.
"Yes because like every other girl here, I'm gay!"
"Well I can't accept that, Beca." He crossed his arms and looked at her defiantly, "I saw the way you were looking at me back there. We connected. We laughed and enjoyed the movie. You mean to tell me you felt nothing?"
"Jesse, this may be hard for you to believe, but it is possible to have platonic feelings towards someone. You're an okay guy and I'm more than willing to be your friend but I can't—no, I won't be your friend if you're just going to use that friendship to try and seduce me."
Without giving him the chance to offer any semblance of a rebuttal, she walked up the stairs to the main entrance of the girls' dorm. "Good night, Jesse."
As she made her way down the main hall of the dorm that led to her room, she tried to calm down from her argument with Jesse. She didn't want to yell at him like that but there was only so much she could take before she reached her boiling point. Honestly, she really just wanted to see Aubrey again. She knew being with the blonde would calm her down and the thought of holding her girlfriend again motivated her to walk faster.
When she entered her room, she spotted Aubrey sitting on her bed brushing her hair. Walking over to Aubrey, she leaned down to give her a quick kiss but Aubrey turned her head at the last minute. She was confused by her sudden movement but Beca settled for a kiss on the cheek nonetheless. She walked over to her dresser and pulled out something to sleep in before looking back at her girlfriend, remembering she wanted to ask about her meeting in Mrs. Westmore's office.
"Are you okay? Did your meeting not go well?"
Aubrey didn't look up and stoically responded, "It was fine. My father came by to see me."
Beca looked back at the blonde in confusion. She didn't want to jump to conclusions, so she simply said, "Um ok. Well, I'm just going to take a shower and I'll slip into your bed after room checks."
Aubrey sighed and placed her brush on her bedside table. "No, I think you should stay in your bed tonight."
"Why? Do you think Mackenzie saw something earlier?" Beca asked. She was sure when the counselor came into the room that afternoon, they had put a considerable amount of distance between them.
"No that's not it. I just—I think that we should spend some time apart."
Beca frowned, "What's that supposed to mean?"
Aubrey frowned and recited the speech she'd been reciting in her head over and over again since she got back from the lake. "Beca—I made a mistake the other night. I—I thought this was what I wanted but it's not and—and I'm sorry for stringing you along like this, but I need to get better and these past couple of days have only set me back in my recovery."
Beca stormed over to Aubrey and stood in front of her. This couldn't be happening again. "That's bullshit! You're father got in your head." She was aware that she was shouting, but at this moment she didn't care who heard her. She refused to let Aubrey do this again.
Aubrey stood up and met Beca's enraged glare, refusing to back down. "That's beside the point. Anyway, so what if he did? He only told me the truth and made me see the error of my ways."
Beca pulled at her hair in irritation before looking back at Aubrey through enraged eyes, "You can't be serious right now!"
Aubrey sighed in annoyance, and reprimanded Beca as if she were a child, "Stop yelling Beca before someone overhears."
Beca shook her head profusely and pointed at Aubrey, "No, I won't stop yelling until you tell me the truth. Do you not want to be with me?"
Aubrey hated to admit it but she did hesitate. Despite the automatic answer being on her tongue she stopped and considered Beca's question. The brunette made her feel things she thought she'd never feel again after Amanda's death but the look her father gave her when he said he was proud of her, it was something she couldn't take for granted, even if it meant sacrificing her relationship with Beca. With a confident nod, she firmly said, "N—No, I don't."
Call it a hallucination or a delusion, but Aubrey could almost hear Beca's emotional walls sliding back into place at the brunette paced back in forth in front of her.
Beca looked at Aubrey and pointed an angry finger at her, shouting, "You're just like Chloe. Why are you so afraid of the idea that somebody might love you and care about you?"
For some reason unknown to Aubrey, the comparison to the girl that shattered Beca's heart enraged her. She was nothing like Chloe and how dare Beca insinuate otherwise. But hey, if that's the game she wanted to play, "And you're just like Amanda. You're ignorant to the fact that people hate us, hate everything about our relationship."
She turned on her heels and returned to her bed. Beca watched her get into her bed and turn off her bedside light, encasing them both in darkness. And in that moment, the only thing she considered close to what she felt regarding the blonde was hate…pure hate.
Aubrey turned away from the blonde and when she heard Beca storm out the room, slamming the door behind her, she allowed herself the freedom to cry over the irrevocable damage she knew she just caused.
I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
-Romans 12:1-2
I take absolutely no credit for the poem Aubrey recited, nor any of the poems mentioned in this story. They are all the work of their respective writers which I give credit to in the end of the chapter in which they were featured. The poem used in this chapter was "This Poem Could Not Wait" by Allyce May. Go check it out on All Poetry.
And for the record, I try to avoid as many anachronisms as possible, so for those of you who didn't know, Capri-Sun, the juice pouches that Beca and Jesse were drinking in the movie, has been distributed in the United States since 1981. Did you guys know that the other kid that made it into the treble makers with Jesse was named Kolio? (Yeah I didn't know either) Also, I wanted to try and introduce a sexuality that doesn't get much love or acknowledgement in many circles (one of my friends didn't even know what pansexuality was until I explained it to her last week) and that sexuality if pansexuality. Also, before any of you guys go bashing my choice of wording for how Jesse describes Aston/Amber, remember in 1989 the ideas of non-binary identities and pansexuality were very still taboo, more so than homosexuality. So in a time where there wasn't much discourse on the subjection, can you really expect him to be aware of the incorrectness of his terminology?
