Paradise Lost

Once again, I'm giving you all a warning that there's mentions of self-harm and descriptions of suicide (Don't worry, Beca's not going to kill herself) I'm going to mark the sections of self-harm so you can skip it if you want. But if you do read it, the song used is "His Daughter" by Molly Kate Kestner. Most of the song really doesn't have to do with the theme of this story but the moment I heard the chorus I knew I had to at least incorporate that part of the song in some way. It's a great song and I highly recommend it.

Aubrey walked out of the bathroom where she'd been brushing her teeth to see Beca still lying in her bed. Normally, she would have thought anything of it since Beca was prone to sleeping in but today was different. She knew Beca hadn't slept all night, instead lying in her bed staring at the door as if hoping Benji would come storming in.

When she found out about Benji's suicide, Aubrey was saddened by the news but she wasn't nearly as close to him as Beca was and how she felt didn't compare to what the small brunette felt. What scared her most was the fact that Beca had yet to cry, something she did every day for a month following Amanda's suicide. She knew exactly how it felt to have someone ripped from your life so suddenly and Beca wasn't dealing with it. She was just shutting down and retreating inside herself.

Aubrey couldn't let her lose herself over this…she knew how that felt. To be so used to sadness that it becomes commonplace. So used to darkness that you don't know remember it feels to not cry and worry. Despite everything that happened to them, she would be the one to pull Beca out of this because Lord knows Beca saved her from drowning. She grabbed the chair under Beca's desk and lodged it under the knob of their door before turning back to face her roommate.

She took a seat on the edge of Beca's bed, placing a hand on the brunette's arm, "C'mon, Beca. You have to get out of bed and eat something."

Beca didn't look up from where she laid on her side, and continued to face the wall as if she didn't hear any of Aubrey's words.

Aubrey sighed and pulled the cover off of Beca's body and as she suspected, the brunette was still in the clothes she'd worn the day before when she'd stumbled into their room, falling into her bed and crawled into the position she was currently in.

Sliding off the bed, she kneeled in front of Beca and stared into the grey eyes she'd fallen in love with. Her eyes were open but Aubrey could see that she was looking thousands of miles beyond her. She reached out and pushed a few of Beca's fallen locks out of her face, her hand sliding down to gently caress Beca's face.

"You're going to get through this, Beca. I promise." She whispered, and leaned forward to kiss her lightly on the forehead. Beca didn't react but when Aubrey saw a single tear slid her face, Aubrey knew she'd heard her.

Aubrey offered a gentle smile and leaned over to place an arm behind Beca, taking Beca's arm and wrapping it around her shoulder so that she could lift her out of her out of the bed. Beca didn't fight her and for that was glad because it made this process so much easier.

She helped Beca into the bathroom, glad that the brunette was aware of her intentions and walked along with her. When they reached the bathroom, she guided Beca over to the toilet, where she used her leg to kick the lid down before siting Beca down on it.

She turned on the shower water so it could warm up before returning to Beca. She leaned down in front of her and pulled Beca's sweatshirt over her head, discarding it on the floor. She proceeded to undress the brunette and once she was completely naked, Aubrey had to look away and refrain from blushing at seeing Beca in her current state since the last time they were naked, Beca and her were dating. That wasn't the case now and she knew it was wrong to look at Beca when Beca made it clear how she felt about her after they broke up.

Quickly stripping out of her clothes, she threw them in the pile with Beca's clothes before grabbing the brunette's hand and leading her into shower. She knew if she didn't personally make sure Beca bathed and ate, the brunette was content in lying in bed all day.

Beca followed without protest, her eyes remained cast on the floor as she stepped under the warm water of the spray. Aubrey pulled the shower door close and turned around to grab her body wash off of the shower rack. When she turned back around, her heart palpitated at the sight of Beca. The brunette stood completely under the spray of the shower, her body shaking as she cried silently. Aubrey immediately dropped the bottle of body wash and reached out to grab Beca. Surprising Aubrey completely, she quickly fell into Aubrey's arms, breaking down further. She wrapped her arms around Aubrey, pulling her closer, biting her lip to muffle her sobs and the idea that Beca didn't trust her enough to hear her cry made Aubrey hold her tighter. To prove to her that she meant what she said. That she would see Beca through this.

\***/

Aubrey held two bowls of oatmeal for both she and Beca. The brunette trailed behind her with her hair down on her face so that no one could see how affected she truly was. Aubrey led them over to the table where Cynthia Rose, Paulie, and Jane sat. The two took a seat and Aubrey placed Beca's bowl in front of her.

"Try to eat something, please." She whispered, handing Beca a spoon. Jane watched the exchange and motioned to Beca,

"How's she handling everything?"

Aubrey looked at Beca who at least was trying to placate her by stirring the spoon around in the bowl.

"Not well." She responded. Jane nodded and looked at Cynthia Rose who was just as glum as Beca, except she wasn't ashamed of her tears and allowed them to flow freely down her face. She could only imagine what CR was experiencing since she knew Benji much longer than Beca.

Jane nodded and leaned over to whisper to Aubrey, "Has she said anything since she found him?"

Aubrey looked up in shock, glancing at Beca whose tears silently fell into her breakfast bowl. She had no idea that Beca was the one to actually find his body. This put the situation in an entirely new light. After Amanda died, she wasn't the one that had to pull her shredded body off the train tracks. The last memory of Amanda was the brunette telling her she loved her. Beca's last memory of Benji was his lifeless body hanging from a ceiling fan.

Aubrey whispered a small no in reply to Jane's question and the table went into a prolonged silence, the entire cafeteria actually. Tense grief and sorrow weighed heavy on every one and no one wanted to speak for they all knew Benji did what they all considered at some point.

When Mrs. Westmore walked to the front of the room and stood in front of the podium the shared silence blanketing the room was a first for her. Every single person in the room was silent, looking to her for instruction and she took in the fact that they all looked so…so lost.

She cleared her throat and glanced at the counselors that stood next to each other against the wall. Every single one of them shared the expressions of many of the campers, and for a moment she remembered her last interaction with Benji. The thought injected a guilt she hadn't felt in the moment she was informed of his suicide. Guilt in knowing that she may have been responsible for putting this sorrow in every heart in front of her. Nevertheless, Benjamin was sick and his homosexuality and susceptibility to the devil's ways led him to tie that sheet around her neck. Not her—no, nothing she did caused this. He was headed down this path long before he ever encountered her.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I know that many of you are heavily affected by the recent death of Benjamin, some of you more than others." She glanced around the room, reaching out to adjust the height of the microphone before continuing. "Today's schedule is suspended and has been, instead, dedicated to helping you all deal with the recent tragedy. All the therapists are here, as well as a few specialists that deal in grief counseling. They are here to offer counseling to anyone that wants to talk."

Clearing her throat once more, she looked out at the group of teenagers and said, "I understand how you all are feeling right now. It is sad that Mr. Applebaum's disease and dealing with it got the best of him. I—"

She was interrupted at the loud crash of a bowl hitting the wall, "Bullshit!"

Adjusting her glasses to see exactly who interrupted her, she wasn't surprised to see Beca standing in the back, angrily glaring back at her.

"Having HIV didn't put that sheet around his neck."

Jane and Paulie stood up and tried to pull her way before she said something that would get her sent to isolation but Beca shrugged them off. Her throat was raw from all the screaming she'd done the night before to get help for Benji but she didn't let it deter her from telling Mrs. Westmore how she felt.

"He was tired of motherfuckers like you telling him he wasn't good enough and trying to fix him when he wasn't broken in the first place. All he wanted was to be accepted and instead he was ridiculed and beaten. So don't stand there and pretend you care because you don't. You didn't pull his body down off that f-fan," she paused for a moment to even her breathing, not wanting anyone to hear the quiver in her voice.

"You didn't pull that sheet from around his neck…so don't stand there and fucking pretend you care!"

Mrs. Westmore looked at her with a deep frown, "I know you're upset Mrs. Mitchell, but please take a seat."

Caleb walked over to her and placed a firm hand on her shoulder to try and coerce her into her seat but she pushed him off, pointing to Westmore and shouting "Fuck you!"

Everyone watched as Mrs. Westmore instructed Caleb to carry her off to isolation and before Aubrey could get up and try to remedy the situation, Jordan quickly walked over to them saying she would handle it.

True to her word, Jordan managed to talk Caleb into disobeying Mrs. Westmore and allowing Beca to return to her room, although it didn't take much persuasion. It was a rough day for everyone, including the therapist herself and the young counselor understood.

Jordan watched him walk away and return to the dining hall before turning to Beca.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she offered timidly. She knew Beca was in such a fragile state and she didn't want to say the wrong thing to set her off.

"Leave me alone, Jordan." Beca whispered firmly before turning and walking towards her dorm.

When she reached the sanctity of her room, she walked into the bathroom, and slid down the tile wall bringing her knees to her chest. She was so used to anger and pain and she carried it with her as if it were bolted on. An armor against being hurt. Against betrayal and sorrow. But now, sitting in the room with nothing but silence to taunt her, she was forced to take the armor off and face the wounds she'd accumulated in her life. Her mind was witnessing wave after wave of emotion; as it crashed down, her lip trembled slightly and with it too brought a fresh set of salty tears to leak from her eyes. No matter how she tried to keep the watery film at bay they refused. Her face, the once blank canvas, broke—first into shock, then anger, then finally pure sorrow as it all flooded beyond the fortresses she'd so carefully built.

The belt lashes, pedophilic glances and remarks from Liam, the slap of neglect and denial from her mother to the knife in the heart delivered by Chloe and finally the hand that kept pushing her underwater to drown, the hand that could only belong to Aubrey. But, this…Benji's suicide…It was the final blow, the kick to the head. His body hanging, bruised and bloodied, forever burned into her eyelids. She rubbed roughly at her eyes, the salt of her tears burning behind her eyelids.

When Aubrey entered the room she immediately walked in the direction of the muffled sobs that were radiating out of the bathroom. The sight of Beca siting so broken on the bathroom floor placing blame upon herself, Aubrey couldn't stand to be an idle observant anymore. Now that Beca was dealing with all that was happening there was a chance that the brunette would push her away again but Aubrey was willing to take that chance. She quickly sat in front of Beca, placing her legs on either side of Beca so that she could fully wrap her arms around Beca.

She sighed in relief at the feeling of Beca relaxing in her arms. She rubbed the small brunette comfortingly on the back allowing Beca to cry into her shoulders, Beca's tears burning her skin. Tears of a girl finally so overwhelmed with so much tragedy she could no longer fight. So on guard, her tears burned with the intensity of a singeing acid as if to protect Beca in the ways a thorn protects the rose. Aubrey surprisingly found herself shedding a few tears because the sight of Beca so vulnerable and hurting steered an emotion inside of her she couldn't control. Aubrey wrapped her arms around Beca tighter as her sobs continued.

"It's my fault!" She clung to the blonde's shirt, bawling the material into her fists and held Aubrey to her, afraid she'd disappear. "I saw that he was upset but I was too selfish to care. He needed me and I was too busy worrying about myself."

Aubrey closed her eyes and sighed. She expected Beca to react the way she was, blaming herself and placing fault where it didn't belong, but actually hearing Beca break down and beat herself up over a decision Benji made was unfair on Beca.

She placed a light kiss on Beca's head and whispered, "Beca, it's not your fault…Do you remember what you told me? That we can't blame ourselves? That sometimes other people's pain is too much for them to bear? I know it hurts now, but I promise that I'll help you get through this. You don't have to go through it alone."

"No you won't." Beca whispered.

Aubrey paused unsure if she heard Beca correctly and when she opened her mouth to question it, Beca pushed her away. She watched as the small brunette wiped at her eyes quickly and when she stood up to leave, Aubrey grabbed her arm and stood up as well.

"Beca, don't—"

"No, you don't Aubrey. Don't lie to me about wanting to help me. Why don't you just leave me alone like you've been doing for the past weeks?" Beca seethed.

"I—I know I hurt you with what I said but Beca I'm probably the only one that knows exactly how you're feeling. I want to be here for you if you'd let me."

Beca snatched her hand from Aubrey's grasp and looked at her in disgust as she backed away slowly, "So you want me to just forget everything that happened between us?"

Aubrey reached out for Beca's hand, "I want to be your friend Beca. I miss you…I miss your friendship."

Beca looked at her though red tears, shaking her head profusely before quickly closing the distance between them. She pressed herself against Aubrey and connected their lips, forcefully pulling Aubrey's body closer. Her hand shot up to Aubrey's neck as she pulled the blonde closer, deepening the kiss and when she felt Aubrey surrender and open her mouth further to accept what was happening, Beca stepped back. She stared at Aubrey waiting for the blonde's eyes to open and meet hers before firmly declaring,

"I don't want to just be your friend."

Aubrey desperately called out, "Beca please—"

Beca shook her head, angrily screaming, "No! Fuck your friendship, Aubrey. Either you want me one hundred percent and admit you're in love with me as much as I love you or you get nothing." And she exited the bathroom, leaving Aubrey to stare at the space where she'd previously stood. Beca had done what she did best. When she hurt, she made damn sure everyone else hurt with her. And at the sound of Aubrey breaking down in the bathroom, she knew she'd been successful.

\***/

Trigger Warning: Skip This Section if you wish to avoid graphic descriptions of or extensive discussion of self-harm

Beca noticed the three girls sitting behind the dorm before they noticed her and she realized just how incomplete the group looked without Benji.

"Hey." She whispered lightly, taking a seat next to Paulie. The three girls were passing a joint back and forth in what Beca assumed was their way of coping with Benji's death. It seemed to be working because Cynthia Rose had stopped crying and all three wore blank grim expressions. When Paulie offered the joint to her she refused. She wanted to feel it all. The anger, the sorrow, the depression, everything. After all, you can't gain immunity from a sickness you never had.

"His dad came by to pick up his stuff." Cynthia Rose said plainly. Beca nodded her head, wishing she'd been there to punch the bastard in the face.

Jane exhaled the smoke in her lungs and nodded, "We were there. The fucking bastard just threw his stuff in a box. When Westmore asked about funeral arrangements so that we could attend if we wanted, the bastard had the nerve to say 'I've been paying for his screw-ups for the past eighteen years. I ain't doing no more.' Fucking bastard." She fumed, passing the joint to Cynthia Rose.

"I've never met him and I fucking hate him." Beca said, reaching out to punch the ground her repeatedly. Paulie and Jane watched her in silence, each donning their own pair of scraped knuckles from where they took turns punching holes in their wall. Cynthia Rose sat silently against the wall with her eyes closed trying not to break down anymore. She'd know Benji for close to two years and even when they parted ways at the end of the summer they still kept in contact through phone calls and letters. The idea that he just wasn't here anymore was something she hadn't come to terms with yet.

The four of them sat in the exact same spot, Paulie, Jane, and Cynthia Rose getting as high as they could to avoid the alternative until the sun set, glad no one came to look for them. Beca stood up after pain in her lower back became more prominent and prepared to return to her room.

"I—I don't know how we're going to do it but if that bastard doesn't want to do it, the three of us are going to something for him."

Paulie looked up at her, "What do you have in mind?

Beca shrugged, stuffing her hands in her pockets, "I don't know but Benji deserves a hell of a lot more than being thrown in a cardboard box in some unmarked grave because his father was a dick. Even if we just go back to the hill in Atlanta and cry or whatever, Benji's memory isn't going to be reduced to dying in this fucking place."

Cynthia Rose stood up and smiled for the first time that day, "I'm in. I don't care when or how. Just know I'm in."

Paulie and Jane stood up, simultaneously uttering, "Me too."

Beca nodded at them before turning to return to her room, wishing them all a good night.

When she entered her dorm, the room was dark save for the light peeking out under the bathroom door. Figuring Aubrey was getting ready for bed, Beca turned to her bed to turn in for the night. However, the soft melody of a song caught her voice. But it wasn't just the voice, it was the strangled emotion intertwined in the words that captured her interest. Slowly creeping over to the bathroom door, she listened closer and she confirmed that Aubrey was singing.

Pushing the door open lightly as to not alert the blonde to her presence, the sight before her was terrifying. Aubrey sat naked on the bathroom floor, hair still wet from her shower, crying as she sung out, her face turned up to the ceiling as she rocked back and forth and struggled to get the words out.

If there's a God out there
Please hear my prayer.
I'm lost and I'm scared,
and I've got nowhere else to go.
I've come a long, long way.
But I'm not sure I can make it much farther...
So if you're listening, could you give a helping hand.
To your daughter.

When she first entered the bathroom, the vast amounts of blood that had pooled around the blonde made Beca dizzy. At first she thought the blonde had been hurt with all the blood covering her legs like a tragic red gown, but seeing the trembling hand slicing into her skin with practiced skill, she realized what was happening. Forgetting her anger towards the blonde from earlier, she cautiously walked over Aubrey, kneeling at her side. She placed her hand gently on top of Aubrey's where he hand continued to slice at the surface of her inner thigh. Beca pulled the razor from Aubrey's hand, sliding it across the floor to the other side of the bathroom, watching as Aubrey blankly stared at her hands where the razor had been, blood dripping from her wrists into the cracks of her hands. There was so much blood and Beca couldn't tell where it all was coming from.

Reaching out to grab Aubrey's towel, she placed it on the fresh wounds on Aubrey's thighs, pressing down on the cuts to stop the bleeding. Aubrey looked up at Beca as if realizing for the first time that she was there.

She mumbled something that Beca couldn't hear but she didn't ponder it too long instead asking in desperation, "Why are you doing this Aubrey. Don't tell me you're trying to leave me too?" She continued to press down on the towel in hopes of stopping the blood, "Answer me dammit! Why?"

Aubrey was silent, heavy tears falling from her eyes as she looked down at the damage she'd inflicted upon herself. Using her hands, she wiped at the blood on her wrists, smearing the blood to reveal the scars that she'd placed there not long after Beca had left her earlier that afternoon.

Beca looked at the wounds, her hands leaving the towel and flying to her mouth as she took in what Aubrey was showing her. There on Aubrey's wrist, carefully carved was the number 100.

With a choked sob, Aubrey launched herself into Beca's arms, "Because I'm in love with you."

Trigger Warning End

"Ok, just a minute." Katlyn called, as she quickly made her way down the stairs. She pulled her robe tighter around her body before reaching out to turn on the porch light so that could get a look at who had rung her doorbell at 2 am. She did live in a remarkably nice neighborhood, but she was still wary approaching the door. She peeked out the side window of the door before quickly pulling the door open.

"Humming Bird?"

Jordan looked up at the older woman, biting at her lip to hold in her sobs. She'd been doing that a lot lately and her lips were raw from constantly breaking skin and drawing blood in an attempt to remain calm in front of the teens back at the camp.

"I—I couldn't save him." She whispered hoarsely. Katlyn took in Jordan's appearance: the way she lightly bounced from foot to foot and pulled her shirt sleeves over her arms, biting at her lips to keep sobs at bay. The only time she'd seen her this way was in the summer of 1973 when her mother forced them apart. She stepped forward, taking the crying blonde into her arms.

Jordan allowed the older woman to lead her inside and she realized now, in the arms of Katlyn, she didn't need to be strong anymore. She could fall and Katlyn would catch her. She always had and she was stupid to think that she never would.

I can't believe this story is really coming to an end. Only five more chapters. Wow, I really don't know if I'm ready to move on just yet because I'm not lying when I say this story is all I think about. I'm constantly thinking about the timeline and plot and reworking my plans for future chapters on top of watching Pitch Perfect over and over again to really capture the characters accurately in my story. Well anyway, it's getting late, so review please.