Chapter 21: Death
Aubrey's eyes fluttered open, the events of the previous week flooding back to her. As each second passed, that day flashed before her and once again she began to cry. It felt as if it were all she had done since Beca's leaving. Wiping at her eyes, she tilted her head to the left, her eyes landing on the empty bed across from hers. Not seeing Beca sleeping next to her, ignoring her pleas to wake up and go to breakfast…there was an emptiness she knew would never be filled again. She used to think the same thing about Amanda but somehow and in some way, Beca made her fall in love again. She made her laugh again, she made her trust again, and more importantly, she made her love again. To have all of that snatched from her, she didn't think she could make it another day.
Usually when she felt like this, she'd cut but when she went to slide that razor across her arms, she caught sight of the number 100 permanently etched in her arm and she broke down crying, unable to see nonetheless hold a razor.
Seeing the empty bed and remembering the last time they made love in that bed, a warmth enveloped her only to fade away just as quickly at the realization that Beca was gone and she was here…alone.
Mr. Posen and Mrs. Westmore made their way down the hall that led to Aubrey's bedroom, discussing their next plan of action. It had been a week since Beca was removed from campus and in the interim Mr. Posen instructed that Aubrey be isolated to her room with no visitors until he could return the following week.
"I had to make sure Deacon Thomas was able to take over in my absence before I made the trip back down here. You know I serve as the pastor for the largest parish in our town?" Mr. Posen explained, opening the dorm room door and allowing Mrs. Westmore to enter first.
"Yes, and that is why I completely understand your desire to help your daughter. I just don't understand what went wrong." She trailed off, both adults looking over at Aubrey who laid week and frail on her bed. "Everything was in order until Rebecca arrived."
"I understand Mariam. I've taken some time to really think things over and I realize that it was nothing you did wrong. Aubrey is sick. She's left us with no choice but to look to a more dramatic treatment."
"Yes, and we came meet in my office and discuss further steps to take."
Aubrey, who had been ignoring their conversation until that point sat up weakly and asked what they were talking about.
Mr. Posen sighed and looked at his daughter, taking in her frail and sickly appearance. Her behavior definitely wasn't of someone who was of sane and sound mind. "Aubrey, you are sick. If the grace of God can't cure you of this—this disease than an alternative course of action must be taken."
Mrs. Westmore stepped forward and looked at the teen. "Miss Posen, I'm truly sorry that the Westmore Institute couldn't save you. We've tried every possible method of treatment and yet you insist upon living this devious lifestyle. You're father and I have decided that maybe Mercy Hospital would be best for you."
Aubrey looked at the two in confusion trying to remember where she'd heard the name of that hospital before. It wasn't the hospital her mother died in, she would never forget that place. She was born in Mount Sinai hospital and Beca said she'd been delivered at home. Where had she heard that name before?
"What happened to your mom?" Aubrey asked, taking a seat next to Amanda on the train tracks, the only place they felt they could ever truly be alone.
Amanda looked up from where she was repeatedly flicking on and off a cigarette lighter. "When we were little, she used to bake—like all the time. She'd make cakes and pies and cookies…tons of stuff. She used to spend my pa's whole paycheck on baking stuff and he'd get so mad but she didn't care,"
The brunette looked out in the distance, pausing as the memory flooded her vision. "One day when I was seven, she came home with tons of groceries telling us she was going to finally do it. 'Mandie, Beth, I'm going to do it.'" She looked down at the light flame stemming from the lighter, smiling at the memory.
"What was she going to do?" Aubrey asked softly.
Amanda looked at her girlfriend and smiled sadly before turning back to look at her lighter. "See, my ma wasn't some fancy chef. She never went to school or anything. She just really liked being in the kitchen and trying new stuff. She used to spend all day watching this cooking show 'Cooking with Bernard' and he was this French guy that made all this fancy stuff. One day he made this cake, baked Alaska and ma was so fascinated. She—she was always so scared to try it but this day I guess she got the courage to do it and it actually came out right. Like it really did. When she lit the flame and it sat there on our table, she said it was the most beautiful thing she'd ever laid ey—eyes on." Amanda paused as her voice broke with emotion. Aubrey immediately wrapped her arms around her girlfriend and pulled her close.
"You don't have to keep going."
"No! I want to. I want you to know." Amanda sat up, wiping at her eyes and looked at her girlfriend. "The flame spread to the table cloth and me and my sister tried to tell our mother but she just kept staring saying, 'isn't it beautiful?' Beth tried to put the flame out when it was obvious ma wasn't going to and she—her hair caught fire. She—she died on the way to the hospital. My dad came home and asked what happened and all my ma could say was 'I did it. I finally did it.'" Amanda wiped at her eyes again and stoically said, "they shipped her off to Mercy hospital in a strait jacket the next morning."
"That's a psychiatric hospital!" Aubrey yelled hoarsely at realizing what they were attempting to do.
"Yes it is, Aubrey. You need help and I—I don't think you're gonna get it any other way." Mr. Posen said walking over to his daughter. He tried to wrap an arm around her but she angrily pushed him away.
"I'm not sick! You deserve to be put in a hospital, not me!"
"Calm down Aubrey and stop making a scene," he said firmly in an attempt to calm his daughter but the blonde didn't listen. She wasn't going to let them send her away to rot in a hospital when she'd done nothing wrong. Nothing was wrong with her!
"No! I won't calm down."
"Aubrey, I'm doing this because I love you. I want to save your soul from damnation."
Aubrey looked at her father, rage coursing through her. "Go to hell!"
Mr. Posen's hand came down on her face so quickly she had very little time to brace herself. She held her cheek as the stinging pain coursed throughout her face, looking up at her father as he angrily glared down at her.
"That's enough Aubrey. It's not up for negotiation. I've paid for you to remain here until the end of summer but after next week you're being admitted to Mercy whether you like it or not."
He turned to Mrs. Westmore and told her he was ready to go to her office to discuss the details.
Aubrey turned over in bed, hopelessness permeating her. The very little control she had in life was slowly and surely being snatched away bit by bit. It just wasn't fair. Why couldn't her father understand being in love with Beca didn't change who she was. She still loved Jesus, she was still a Christian. So what if her sin was lying with a woman the way one lies with a man? She was pretty sure there were plenty of other things in Leviticus that God forbade that her father had committed including eating shellfish, wearing mixed fabrics, and working on the Sabbath. No one was shipping off lobster eaters.
A loud wrapping echoed throughout the door and figuring it was her father again, Aubrey pulled her pillow over her head so she could pretend to be asleep. Maybe if she closed her eyes and wished hard enough, this would all turn out to be a very bad dream.
Jane peered around the oak door, stepping inside and closing the door behind her.
"Aubrey I know you're not asleep." She said. It was the first time she'd seen the blonde in over a week and her physical appearance had change dramatically.
Aubrey kept her eyes closed, not wanting to reveal that she was in deed feigning being asleep in case Jane wasn't alone. Jane sat her suitcase down by the door and walked over to Aubrey's bed, taking a seat on her bed.
"I just wanted to come say goodbye." She paused, scratching at the back of her neck as she tried to think of what she'd wanted to say to Aubrey. "Maura's mom and pop came down here to get me and I'm gonna go live with them. I just wanted to say goodbye to you before we left."
Aubrey listened to the other girl with piqued interest. Her eyes remained shut but she was listening to everything Jane said it confused her. Why did she come to say goodbye to her? They weren't really friends. She knew they all tolerated her because of Beca.
As if reading her thoughts, Jane placed a hand on Aubrey's shoulder and said, "I know you might think we only hung around you because of Beca but after that night in Atlanta, I really started to think of you as my friend."
She reached in her pants pocket and pulled out a piece of paper that she'd prepared before she arrived in the room placing it on Aubrey's bedside table. "Here's my—well Maura's number. If you want to give me a call or something when I get back in Boston, you can."
She looked at Aubrey, hoping the other girl would turn around but it didn't happen.
"Alright, well I guess you really are asleep so I'm gonna just go—"
Aubrey sat up immediately and wrapped Jane in a hug, not wanting her own ego to get in the way of saying goodbye to one of the few people who was genuinely nice to her.
"I knew you were faking it," Jane chuckled, wrapping her arms around Aubrey.
After a few moments of embracing, Aubrey pulled away, wiping at her eyes.
"I'm sorry I'm crying. I—I just…you know what forget it. I'm happy that you get your happy ending."
Jane looked at her sadly and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, "You'll have yours, too. Don't give up on Beca. She's going to come for ya, I know she will."
Aubrey smiled softly at the Bostonian and wrapped her in a hug again, whispering, "Thank you."
Jane nodded and hugged Aubrey again, her arms easily encasing the teen's thinning frame. "I gotta go, you know with Maura's parents waiting for me and all, but hey, maybe we could all get together when I head off to Barden."
When she saw Aubrey looking at her in confusion she elaborated, "Aubrey, Beca is going to come back for you and when she does, we'll meet up in LA."
Aubrey nodded sadly, the mention of Beca causing her to cry once again. Jane stood up, pointing to the piece of paper on the bedside table, "Don't be afraid to use that number." she walked over to the door, picking up her suitcase before reaching out to open the door. She glanced back at Aubrey once more and gave her a mock salute in farewell.
"You're gonna get your happy ending, Aubrey. You gotta believe that."
\****/
When Jordan arrived back on campus after a week off spent with Katlyn she knew something was wrong with many of the counselors and doctors coming in and out of the administration building. It wasn't unlikely but it was something she hadn't seen in the two months she'd been there. When she went into the group rooms for the day's group session she immediately noticed the absence of Beca and Aubrey. Everyone took very little time of informing her of what happened and she was livid. How dare her mother do something so malicious and dangerous as ordering ECT on the two girls especially without the approval of certified doctors because that wacko Dr. Woods didn't count.
She made her way across campus to the administration building and to her mother's office, knowing it was time she finally said something. It was a long time coming, but now with everything that happened, it was the impetus she needed to finally let her mother know how she felt.
The moment she stepped inside the administration building, she spotted the older woman walking with another man she didn't recognize. "Mother, can I speak to you."
Mrs. Westmore turned around and eyed her daughter in frustration, "What is it Jordan?"
"I need to speak to you," the therapist repeated, walking closer to where the two stood.
Mr. Posen looked at Mrs. Westmore and let her know he would wait in her office to which she thanked him before turning back to her daughter.
"Can this wait? I'm about to have a conference with Mr. Posen."
Jordan scoffed in disgust, "So it is true. You sent them to ECT."
Mrs. Westmore crossed her arms and nodded her head firmly. "Yes, I did. The two of them were caught in Miss Posen's bed together by another camper and I felt that the punishment was suitable."
Jordan ran a hand through her hair, exhaling deeply as she tried to calm her raging emotions. "You can't just do something like that! You not only need me, but four other therapists to sign off since we're the only ones around with an actual medical degree."
"Dr. Woods is a certified physician."
"No he's not! His license was revoked back in 1969 ma and you know that! You need the permission of several licensed doctors because that 'therapy' is dangerous."
Mrs. Westmore looked behind her to make sure her daughter hadn't attracted unwanted attention to their conversation before turning back to her daughter. "I understand your frustration Jordan that I disregarded protocol but this was an extreme situation and overall, I have the final say, anyway."
"You don't have the final say in shit! I know you wanted to be a doctor mom, and your parents stopped you from doing that but you are not one. You don't get to make medical decisions like that because you're upset or angry. You're playing with these girls lives, don't you see that!"
Mrs. Westmore looked at her daughter and pointed a finger at her, "You will not speak to me like that. I am your mother!"
"Since when!" Jordan screamed in frustration without the slightest care for the attention she might possible be drawing to them. "You have never been a mother to me, so don't pretend otherwise. You've had it out for Beca since she arrived here and you were waiting for your chance to strap her to that table just like you did to me."
"Jordan, I will not have this conversation here. Now if you'll excuse me, I have more important matters to attend to."
"No, you're going to postpone your meeting and we're going to finally have this conversation that you've been putting off since I was seventeen."
"Jordan, stop it! Mr. Posen, our number one sponsor, is in my office and I think he would agree that his daughter is more important than this temper tantrum you're throwing."
As if hearing his name mention, Mr. Posen stepped back into the hallway and taking in the tense conversation the two women were involved in her walked back over to them. "Mariam, if you're busy I can take the Mercy Hospital admittance papers and just fill them out myself while I wait."
Mrs. Westmore nodded her head, "That's fine. I will join you in just a minute. I'm just talking with your daughter's assigned therapist."
Mr. Posen nodded his head in understanding before walking back into her office.
Jordan looked from Mr. Posen to her mother with wide eyes. Lowering her voice to a dangerously low growl, she looked at her mother and seethed, "Mercy Hospital. You're going to have her admitted to a psychiatric hospital? There's nothing wrong with her!"
Mrs. Posen uncharacteristically rolled her eyes, annoyed and growing impatient with the therapist. "I think her father would disagree. He has decided that Mercy is the next best option for his daughter and he will not be persuaded otherwise."
Jordan's hand flew up in frustration. Talking to her mother was like talking to a brick wall, pointless. Didn't she see that she had the power to stop Mr. Posen from ruining his daughter's life? "I can't do this anymore."
"Do what, Jordan?" Mrs. Westmore asked in irritation.
"This. This place. Your bigotry, and homophobia. I can't do this anymore."
"Calm down and stop being so dramatic."
"No. I'm not being dramatic, I'm being honest. I've sat by for too long and let you ruin countless kids' lives. But not anymore. I'm not being a silent participant anymore."
Mrs. Westmore looked at her daughter, neither refusing to back down.
"What are you saying exactly Jordan?"
"I'm saying," she stepped away from her mother and continued, "Consider this my two weeks notice."
\***/
Jordan turned the corner that led to the dorm room Aubrey previously shared with Beca. She needed to at least warn the teen of what her father planned to do even if they couldn't stop it. At the sight of Mackenzie sitting in a chair outside Aubrey's door, she rolled her eyes, sighing at everything that had happened in the rare case that she took a vacation.
"I need to see Aubrey."
Mackenzie stood up, opening the door behind her to grant the therapist access. Jordan walked inside, halting suddenly at the sight of Aubrey. The teen had her knees drawn to her chest as she sat on her bed leaning against the wall, her eyes closed as she clutched her pillow to her chest. Jordan turned around and stepped back over the threshold of the door to question the counselor about Aubrey's current state.
"What's wrong with her?"
"It's probably because she's barely eaten in like a week. She just sits there, staring at nothing."
"Why hasn't anyone done anything?" She pointed behind her towards the room and yelled, "She could die like that!"
Mackenzie peered around the therapist and looked into the room to where Aubrey sat. With a light chuckle, she shrugged and said, "The way I see it, it's one less of them."
Jordan looked at her scoffing in disbelief. She couldn't be serious! "Don't you have a book burning to start?" she asked sarcastically, pushing past Mackenzie and walking into he room, slamming the door shut behind her.
She sighed and ran a hand through her hair as she tried to calm down.
"Aubrey?" she called out softly.
Aubrey had seen Jordan enter the room in her peripheral but she didn't have the energy to turn to look at the therapists. After everything that happened, she burrowed deeper into the depression that had come about after Beca left. Finding out that she was shipped off to a mental hospital only made it worse and at the moment Aubrey truly considered suicide the best alternative. If only she would stop feeling so damn guilty every time she picked up a razor. Damn Beca for making her feel bad about cutting.
She'd spent every day since Beca left thinking about her, her thoughts clouded with the memory of her girlfriend. She meant it when she said she wouldn't remember anything else because Beca had forever burned herself into Aubrey's existence.
Jordan watched Aubrey stare blankly out the window in the room and felt extremely bad for the teen. She knew exactly what Aubrey was going through, having experienced it when she was her age and her mother had forced her apart from Katlyn. She walked further into the room and sat down on the edge of the bed, reaching out gently but apprehensively to rest a hand on the teenager's arm.
"Aubrey, listen…I know how hard this is for you.
Aubrey didn't move or respond but Jordan continued to talk hoping that she was listening. "I—I can't promise that it will get better but I'll try my hardest to stop them from sending you to Mercy. I promise I will fight for you."
Aubrey slowly turned her head to look at the therapist, adjusting her position on the bed to sit more comfortably before hoarsely whispering,
"She's gone."
Jordan looked at Aubrey sadly and nodded her head, "I know…I wish I had been here to help you. I need you to know that I don't agree with any of this."
Aubrey nodded her head and looked down at the hand that rested on her arm. "I know." her voice was still hoarse from lack of use in the past week but she wanted to let Jordan know that she believed her.
"Do you know where Beca might have gone?"
"To LA probably."
Jordan looked over at Aubrey, chuckling at the memory of the day she took the group sans Aubrey out to shop for clothes to wear to the talent show. "Yeah. She did say that's where she'd go if given the chance."
Aubrey didn't laugh along with her, instead she just returned to stare blankly in the direction of the window.
Jordan looked around the room, spotting the several lunch trays that had begun to pile up on her desk. Each one was filed with an entire lunch and she realized just how self-destructive the younger girl had become.
"Aubrey, I know it hurts—I know it hurts like hell but you have to at least eat something."
"I'm not hungry."
"Aubrey, from the number of trays on your desk, it's been days since you've eaten. You'll die if you don't eat something."
Aubrey clutched the pillow to her chest and lied down on her bed. She didn't care if she slowly withered away from starvation. What did it matter anyway? She turned away from the therapist and sadly murmured, "I'm already dying."
