Chapter 11
Eric POV
As soon as we are finished with Al's funeral, I go straight to the infirmary. I had to make the funeral speech, and a lot of people are not happy with me, so going to Jamie means getting away from an angry mob of Dauntless.
I get in there, and see that Christina, Tris and Will are already there. As soon as I walk in, Tris stands up and comes at me.
"What do you think you're doing here? And what was that, huh? What was that? Some stupid speech that you made just because they told you to. What Al did wasn't brave and it wasn't something to celebrate. Before you even tell me that you were just following the rules, would they kill you if you went off road for just one funeral?"
"You never know around here."
"And now you're joking about it."
"Tris, give him a break."
I don't think I've ever heard a room go quiet so quickly.
"What?"
"I said, give him a break. He's right. You told me what he said, and I don't like it either, but he did what he had to do. As he has personally explained to me before, when I saved your butt, that following every single rule around here, no matter what you think, is essential. If you go astray, it might actually get you killed."
"What is this? Now you're taking his side? You've seen how big of a jerk he is in class and outside. He followed the rules because he didn't care about Al and doesn't care about anything, that's why he follows so closely, and why he told you to. He thinks everyone should be like him, should be mindless, heartless drones."
"Tris, lay off him, alright!"
"No. I'm not going to lay off. I don't know why you're defending him, maybe you care for him, but I can tell you one thing, he doesn't need defending. He doesn't care about you, and he most certainly didn't care about Al, or what he did. Al wasn't brave, he was a coward, but Eric doesn't care, he's just going to go along with whatever they tell him to."
"How do you know if he cares or not? Ever bothered to ask him? Have you ever actually talked to him? No, you just listened to Four, and assumed that Eric can't be anything else, that there is no other side to him."
"Don't bring Four into this!"
"You know what, I like Four just as much as anyone else and I understand that he doesn't get along with Eric, but he has to understand that he has no right, going around giving others impressions of Eric before they even figure him out. You say Eric doesn't care for anything, but it's not like you care anything about Eric. You have a biased opinion. Now, unless you have something reasonable to say, I suggest that you drop the matter."
"I'll drop it when he leaves."
I start to back out, not wanting to cause any more problems than I already have.
"Well, Eric isn't going anywhere. He came here to see me, probably to tell me something, and he has the right to stay here as long as he likes, so I'm not going to shove him out."
Tris looks at me, at Jamie, then back to me again. She looks like she wants to kill me and, after that stupid speech I just gave, I honestly don't blame her.
"Tris, I'm sorry about that. I actually didn't like it any more than you did. Four told me what happened, what Al did, and I'm sorry it happened, but I can't change that."
Tris just lowers her head and backs up. I walk over to Jamie and sit down, glad I'm getting to talk to her for a change.
"Jamie, we'll see you later. We need to be heading back."
She waves at them, and I wait to speak until they are out of the room.
"Thanks. I hope you know that I really did hate doing that stupid speech for his funeral, but if I had said what I was really thinking, it would've been bad."
"Well, I'm not happy that he's gone, but I didn't particularly like him after what happened to Tris and… well, what happened to Tris."
She quickly corrects herself and looks down.
"Something happened to Tris and…?"
"And nobody. I just tripped over my words. The meds from the surgery must not have worn off yet."
I know she's lying, and it slightly hurts me that she still doesn't trust me enough to tell me, but I'm thinking that maybe this has nothing to do with trust this time. I look into her eyes, and see fear there. Whatever happened to her is still fresh on her mind.
"Look, I understand that you don't want to tell anybody about what happened to you, but I want you to know that I will protect you with my life. If anything like this happens again, you can blame me. I'm not letting you out of sight, especially now that two attacks on initiates have happened."
"I can take care of myself. I mean, I'm not complaining about having you around more, but I can protect myself."
"Clearly." I say, gesturing to her knee.
"Okay, so I messed up this time. I'll do better next time."
"Well, my job is now to make sure that there isn't a next time. Luckily, fighting is over, however, I want to start training with you again. When you fight, everything you do involves using your legs. Whether you're climbing up somebody, or kicking their feet out from under them, you personally use your legs all the time. I want to train you to fight without using your legs too much. That means increasing your core and arm strength. We're going to work on that a lot. Sound good?"
"Well, it would, but I was talking to the guy that worked on me, and he said that I'm going to be on crutches for about two weeks, then I can put weight on it, but not much. Just give me a little time."
"Take all the time you need. You are gonna be out of here pretty shortly though, right?"
"Yeah, once they get the crutches to me, I'm free to go. Why, you miss me?" she says, playfully punching my arm.
"Actually, I have some more training I want to do with you. A different training. It doesn't require you to use your leg."
"What kind of training is that?"
"Fear landscape training. As soon as we can get you out of here, we'll go straight to the landscape room. I have some things I kind of want to work on with you."
"There's only so much we can work on, I mean it's a simulation."
"Just trust me. You'll see what I mean. I'll explain when we get there."
She kind of has a questioning look, but she nods. I think she trusts me. About that time, I see one of the doctors come over, carrying her crutches.
"Here you go, you should be good to go now."
He looks up at me, then back at her, and his eyes get big.
"Oh, I am so sorry, we shouldn't have taken so long."
"Don't worry about it man, it gave us some time to talk. Thanks for working on her knee."
He looks at me, not quite sure what to say. I have a pretty big reputation around here, and I'm not really known for being very patient. I just pat him on the back and he turns around, completely shocked, and goes to take care of another patient.
"Well that was nice. What happened to you?"
"You're a bad influence on me, that's what happened. I've been hanging around you too much. You're making me soft."
"Aww, have I uncovered the big teddy bear under there?"
"No no no. I am not a teddy bear. That will never happen, so don't even plan on it."
"Okay, softie."
I just give her a look, then help her get up. As soon as we're out of there, we head to the fear landscape room. Once we get in there, I grab two syringes.
"Okay, so what I wanted to work on is how you get through your fears. I know you don't want to say it, but something is different about how you do it. What we're going to do is go through your fears, and I'll tell you what you need to do."
"What's wrong with how I do things?"
"Jeanine is watching the final test to determine whether you pass initiation. If she sees anything even remotely off, she will pull you out, she might even kill you. She doesn't take chances, if she thinks somebody could be Divergent, then she wipes them out."
As soon as I mention Jeanine killing the Divergents, Jamie starts to fidget and won't look me in the eye.
"Jamie, do you have something to say?"
Her head snaps up, almost like she was in a daze.
"You're right. We need to work on it. I can't take any chances. I want to be part of Dauntless."
"Did you consider any other faction before you chose?"
"I mean, before the test, but when I got my result, I decided on Dauntless. We're taught to trust the test, no matter what."
"So, you didn't just choose Dauntless because it was the best place for you? Maybe the test didn't give an answer and you had to choose on your own."
"Why would you ask something like that?"
When she says this, I can tell she's trying to say it confidently, but I hear a slight tremble in her voice.
"I ask because I've seen the proof. I've heard you talk, watched you fight. You could easily go into two other factions. Yes, you fit in great here. I see parts of you that are undeniably Dauntless, but then I see parts that are Erudite and Candor. A little too much of both for me to ignore. Look, I've grown to… care about you, like I haven't cared for anyone else, I'm not going to give you up to Max, but I want you to trust me. Answer me honestly. Are you Divergent?"
She just hangs her head a little, and nods. Man, I hoped I was wrong. I had a hunch, but I was still hoping maybe I just misinterpreted her crazy personality. She's in danger. Hopefully I'm the only one that's picked up on this.
"Okay, if you really are, then that makes this work in the landscape even more important. When you are in the final test, you aren't supposed to be aware that it's a simulation, but you will be. For that test, you will have to act like you think it's all real, and you can't do crazy things to get away from your fears, you have to deal with them as if they were happening in real life. When we go in, I'm going to be in your landscape with you. I'll tell you what you need to do, and I want you to remember everything, and do it exactly as I tell you to, okay?"
She nods, but I think she's still not sure of me, now that she's aware that I know. I think she's still afraid that I might let slip.
"Eric, why are you protecting me?"
"I told you I will protect you with my life."
"Yeah, but why? You wouldn't do anyone else this way. You would throw them in as soon as you found out."
"Having you around has changed me a little. We've always been lead to believe that Divergents are dangerous and that they will corrupt the faction system, but you aren't dangerous, and you haven't messed up a thing. If anything, you've helped me. I have somebody that actually likes to be around me. If anything happened to you, I would go nuts. I would be back to the same thing, everyone being afraid of me, and I would go cold again. I need you. Believe it or not, that's a hard thing for me to admit."
I can see it in her eyes, she's still worried, but I don't think she's worried that anything will come from me.
"No one will know. I'll make sure of it, I promise. Now, you ready to try out the sim?"
"Yep."
I inject both of us, and the world goes dark for a second, then there is light, but far too much light for us to still be in the landscape room. I look around, and see the sun setting behind a group of huge buildings. It's kind of beautiful, I don't understand why this is a fear. While I'm taking this in, a strong wind begins to blow, and I nearly lose my balance, so I look down to see where I'm standing and realize what this is. It's her fear of heights. I'm standing on a rail that is stretched between two buildings. I look down, past the rail, and the ground is so far below that I can't see it. I look over at Jamie who is crouched down, both hands hanging on to the rail with a white knuckle grip.
"You good?"
She doesn't say anything, she just shakes her head, no.
"Here, give me your hand."
She shakes her head again.
"Jamie, you can do this. I'm not going to let you fall. Come on, get up."
She lets go with one hand and takes mine, but she is still hanging on tight with the other hand.
"Okay, give me the other one."
"Eric, I can't stand, remember?"
"Yeah you can. It's a simulation. Outside injuries don't affect how your body is in the simulation."
"Oh yeah."
She gives me the other hand, and stands, hanging on to me now, with the same grip she had on the rail.
"Okay, before I lose circulation in my hands, what do we need to do?"
"I need to jump."
"No. In real life, jumping would get you killed. You have to act like you think this is real. Landing down there is the last thing you would want to do. We have to go to one of the buildings. That one is closest, let's go for it."
She nods, still hanging on, and starts moving in the direction of the building. A few steps in, she lets go of my hands and keeps going on her own.
"If you aren't going to be with me in the test, then I can't get used to you now."
"Good thinking."
As soon as we go through the window of the building, the scene changes. I look around and we are up on a stage with thousands of people surrounding us.
"What is this?"
I look over to her, and she's nearly crying. She has her arms wrapped around her waist like she is physically trying to block herself off from all the people.
"I'm paranoid of large groups of people where I'm the center of attention. If I'm in my comfort zone, then I'm fine, but if I have to do something that I'm not comfortable with, and I have to do it in front of people, I'll break down."
"How do you get past this one?"
"Well, when I did this the first time, I just stepped off the stage and walked through the crowd. If I refuse to do what they want, the attention no longer has to be on me."
"I'm not going to fix anything with this one. I think you've got it figured out."
"Well, there's only so much you can do with a situation like this. It's not like I actually could go out of line."
We walk off the platform, right through the crowd, and we end up in a different room. I look down and see that the floor os crawling with spiders. Jamie starts to freak out, wiping them off of her as fast as she can, but she's just not fast enough. They come back in even larger numbers every time she wipes them off.
"What do you do here?"
"Last time I just layed down in the middle of them."
"Just like with the height, your goal is not to die. You lay down in the middle of a bunch of spiders, in real life, you'll probably die. Let me tell you a trick about these sims. If you need an object to get out, just think of it and, BAM, it'll be there. What do you need?"
"Um… I guess fire would work."
In that moment, I look down and see a large stick and two rocks laying on the ground.
"The rocks will make sparks, the end of the stick is covered in cloth. We can use this as a torch."
She sparks it, and we get the torch going, all the while, still wiping spiders away. Finally, she turns around and burns the spiders closest to us, and waves it in front of her, keeping the rest of them back. She throws the torch on top of the spiders, and they all disappear in the flames. Once the spiders are gone, the scene changes to a metal room, no, a box and it seems to be getting smaller.
"Oh, I forgot you're claustrophobic."
As the box gets smaller, we have to crouch down and move closer together. My automatic instinct is to protect her, so instead of letting her get crushed by the box, I cover her. I'm crouched behind her, my arms wrapped around her. I know she has to be scared, she isn't complaining or trying to push me away.
"Okay, I know you're hating this, but you have to focus. What do you need to do?"
She doesn't answer right away, but I give her a minute.
"Technically speaking, what I could do is jam it up. Keep it from moving."
"Good. Now you're catching on."
She reaches for something, and I see it's a nail. She shoves it in between one of the walls and the floor, stopping the box from closing in. I'm pretty sure her fear of what Peter did to Edward is coming up next. Or at least, I thought it was. The next scene that comes up is in the chasm, but I don't remember this.
"Jamie, what is this?"
I don't hear anything from her, so I look back and see her just backing up.
"Jamie?"
"Well look who it is, the next target."
I look up and see Peter and Al walking towards Jamie. I look behind them and see Drew laid out on the ground by the chasm, almost like he was when Four knocked him out the night Tris was attacked… hang on.
"Jamie, what's happening? This is new."
It's almost like she doesn't even know I'm here. The look in her eyes is of pure terror.
"No. No, not this again."
The next thing I know, Al is walking toward her, and he takes a swing at her. I know the only way she can get past this is to fight her own battle, but I want to go in and take care of it for her.
She gets Al on the ground, but I see Peter walk around behind her.
"Jamie!"
When she turns to look at me, she sees Peter and knocks him down too. She takes care of both of them, leaving the two unconscious.
"Thank you."
"That was new, wasn't it?"
She just looks at me, looking close to tears for the second time in this simulation, but this time there's something different. This isn't something she's afraid will happen, this is something that has happened. This is a memory more than anything. A memory that she's afraid to relive, now one of her worst fears.
She unconsciously puts a hand on her left knee, the one that was just injured.
"What did they do to you?"
She opens her mouth to talk, but only a sob comes out. I take us out of the sim. I know, I said I wouldn't and there's only one fear left, but I'm not going to make her finish, not right now.
I look up and I'm standing in the landscape room again. I see her sitting down, unable to stand at the moment, trying not to cry.
"Jamie, what happened?"
She still has trouble speaking, but she finally gets something out.
"When they got Tris, I heard them. I wasn't sleeping well. I followed them, but I knew I couldn't take them, there were three of them. When we got to the chasm, while they were trying to throw her over, I was about to try to do something, but I saw Al's hood come off. When I saw him, I just couldn't move. I saw Four come from the other side. He took Drew out, but the other two ran, and they ran in my direction. I ran, but they caught up in no time. I got Al on the ground, but Peter came around behind. Before I got a good hit on Al, Peter stomped on my knee as hard as could. I know it seems ridiculous, after what they tried to do to Tris, I should be relieved that that's all they did to me, but I still didn't know what was going to happen. I didn't know if they were going to take the advantage and throw me over, or if my knee was too far gone and I'd be thrown out. I knew what Peter wanted to happen. He wanted me to be out of Dauntless, no matter what it took. I'm still afraid that's his goal."
"I'm sorry I wasn't there to help. You would think I'd've heard something, maybe heard Tris, or something."
"Don't you start apologizing, you couldn't have changed a thing. I'm still in, and they haven't killed me yet."
"You know I can't have my eye on you 24 hours a day though. They know that too. If anything does happen, you yell my name as loud as possible. If I don't come, you can punch me the next day."
"Oh wow, great trade."
She's calming down a little, but I'm still not going to make her finish tonight. I think enough is enough. I sit down beside her and just wrap an arm around her shoulders. I expect her to complain, but she doesn't say a word. She simply lays her head on my shoulder.
"I'm not going to let that happen to you again. I promise."
Jamie POV
For the next few weeks, Eric and I keep training in my fear landscape, and I've pretty much got it now. I still have trouble getting past the one with Peter and Al, but I can manage. Our final test is at the end of this week, and I'm hopeful. I just can't mess up. I have to keep in mind everything that Eric has taught me, and I should be fine. I hate anyone seeing me at my weakest, lowest point, but it has helped the two of us get closer. A couple of times in the dining hall, I'll look up to the leadership table, and see his eyes quickly glance away, as though he was looking at me, but didn't want me to know.
I look up from dinner tonight to see him looking at me again, but this time he doesn't look away. He nods his head towards the door, stands up, and walks out. I guess he wants me to follow him. I get up and go out as well, nearly running into him when I get outside the dining hall. He doesn't say a word, he just looks at me, and starts walking away, so I continue to follow. From what I can tell, we're heading to the training room. I don't know what this is all about, but I don't say a word, assuming there's a good reason behind this. Finally we turn and he pulls me into the training room. As soon as the door closes, his straight posture and serious look dissipate. Something's up.
"Eric, what's this about?"
"We've got a problem. I want to show you, but technically no one is supposed to know about it other than leadership."
"Okay, so what is this 'problem'?"
"At the end of the week, the day after initiation is over, Jeanine wants to attack Abnegation."
"Jeanine wants to attack someone? With what army, a bunch of nerds?"
He's silent for a moment. Something is really wrong with all of this.
"She wants to use the Dauntless."
Now it's my turn for silence.
"Wh- how? I mean, she's got to know that most of the people here won't agree to that."
"Yeah, she figured on that. A couple of days ago, she sent in a serum for us to use. It will subdue the Dauntless members, put them in a simulation of sorts, and, once it is activated, their only mission will be to kill the Abnegation. However, there is a catch. This is not only being used to attack Dauntless, they are using it to weed out the Divergent as well. The serum won't work on you. You aren't supposed to know about this, so if I hadn't told you, either you would use that big brain of yours and follow everybody until you found out what was going on, or you would go haywire because you wouldn't be under the influence of the simulation. I trust your intelligence, I know you probably would've figured it out on your own, but I didn't want to take any chances."
"Wait a second. How do they plan to get the serum inside every single Dauntless member?"
"After your initiation, we are supposed to line everyone up, tell them that it's a tracking device, due to a new rule that says we have to know where you are at all times. I don't want to do it, because I know it makes me just as guilty of killing all of those Abnegation as Jeanine is, but I have to. I was thinking about trying to pull you out of it, but they would suspect something, so you have to go through it with everyone else, you just won't be affected by it, while everyone else will wake up in a sim the next morning."
This is a lot to take in in a really small amount of time. So he wants to keep me safe from all of this, but, in a way, he's the one causing it to happen. He can't resist though. They'll probably kill him if he does.
"Oh, one more thing. I need you to tell Tris all of that as well, okay? She's like you. I hate Four's guts, but not quite so much that I'm willing to risk getting his girlfriend killed."
"Wait, his girlfriend? Since when?"
"Since those guys tried to throw her over the chasm."
Whoa, I need to start paying attention. That was like three weeks ago.
"Wow, can't believe I missed that one."
"Yeah, well, we've been training, you haven't had a whole lot of time to focus on much else. Anyways, that's not important. Tell her what's going on, and as soon as you wake up that morning, do exactly what everyone else is doing. No one can know. If they do find out, they will shoot you both on the spot. Understood?"
I just nod slowly, still wrapping my mind around all of this.
"I am so sorry that I had to dump this on you, especially when you have your final test to focus on, but I'm just protecting you."
"Eric, what if something goes wrong? What if they do figure out that I'm-"
"I'm not going to let that happen. I told you I would protect you with my life. If they get to you, yell my name. I should be pretty close by. The leaders are supposed to be patrolling, so if you're caught by one of us, I'll be close."
I don't say anything, but I look at him, into his eyes. Something in there is broken. Most of the time I can see strength in those eyes, but now I see defeat. He knows he can't do anything to save the Abnegation, so the best thing he can do is save me.
"I'm going to do everything in my power to keep this from happening, but the one thing I know I can do is keep you safe."
"I know I ask this all the time, but it's because you've never given me a good answer. Why do you protect me more than anyone else? Why am I more important to you than the entire Abnegation faction?"
He just looks at me a grins a little bit.
"You're the only person here that I can't live without. You make life bearable. No, I take that back. 'Bearable', degrades you. You make life great around here."
I smile at him, not sure whether to punch him in the arm, or hug him.
"I guess that's a good enough answer."
"Fair enough."
With that, we go back to the dining hall, all of what he told me still fresh on my mind. I find my friends and grab Tris, pulling her aside.
"Tris, I have something to tell you."
