:: Chapter Fifteen ::
If there was ever a time Theron might consider there was wisdom in the Jedi Order dogma, their rule against attachments, it was now as he found himself in a hell of his own making. Guilt ripped at his soul and stung in his heart—guilt towards the woman he'd made his vows of marriage to and guilt towards the best friend he could never stop loving, who he'd hurt with remarks he still hadn't apologized for.
His state of mind, weary and dispirited, showed on his otherwise handsome features. Dark circles lined his creased and baggy eyes and the hand he rubbed down his jaw was pricked by a light stubble. His hair, usually modeled in a modest mohawk, now spiked in all directions, messy and unruly and he eyed a few shades paler—it was clear he had barely slept a wink that night.
In a split second of temptation, he'd almost rushed to the room next to his, to Eliza, to tell her everything until he remembered the look of devastation in her eyes the night he'd snapped. At the time he'd been too drunk to fully realize the implications he'd made but once sober, the image haunted him. Her eyes, furious yet filled with pain and through them he'd seen her heart break at the expense of his poor words.
Without knowing what to say, how to make things right with his best friend or tell her everything he'd kept in his heart, he'd stayed hidden in his room instead, letting his mind drift to his soon to be ex-wife.
His stomach churned, he hated what he'd done to her. Each time she'd proposed to him he'd doubted, his mind turning to Eliza, reviving foolish hopes he'd clung to despite knowing better—that alone should have been a clear enough sign for him not to go through with it and yet he'd said yes, at last. Convincing himself he just needed to decide to move on, that taking that final step would be the change he needed to move forward.
Of course, his mother's discouragement hadn't helped. In fact, it had done the opposite and Theron now scolded himself wondering if his own need to defy her at every turn had influenced his poor decision.
'She's a lovely girl, Theron, truly, but I don't see a future for the two of you—you'll be miserable and come to regret this,' Satele had voiced her opinion in private following the lunch Theron and Nyssa had with her.
Now, as a new day broke and he lay in bed still rummaging through his own thoughts, he loathed realizing just how right she'd been. An agitated groan escaped him and he flung his legs out of bed, forcing himself up to shower and dress. Whether he liked it or not, there was currently no end to the work lined up for everyone on Odessen but in a way, he felt grateful too—it would keep him plenty busy and if lucky, away from both women he didn't dare face.
For the next two hours, he sat pouring over the somewhat sloppy and incomplete profiles Lana had compiled of every person currently part of their alliance. He corrected what he could and checked Republic records next to read up on the prisoners Praven had intended to free weeks ago. Once he finished compiling a folder with their information for Eliza, he sliced into Nyssa's Republic records to give her the clean slate he'd promised her, it was the least he could do for her now.
'Nyssa Kenzik-Shan, status, married,' the records read and Theron let out a sigh, glancing at the wedding band he still wore, "I really am sorry Nyssa…"
With a heavy heart, he removed the ring and tucked it into one of the drawers under his desk, then wrapped up adjusting Nyssa's paperwork, deleting every trace of her actions aiding the alliance. When he was done, and after hearing his stomach growl, he finally got up and escaped the quiet privacy of his room to venture out to the cantina for an early lunch.
He turned his nose up at the supply of energy puddings and ration bars offered and made a mental note those should be kept as reserves in case of emergency, then settled for a bowl of mixed fruits and some toast. He poured himself a large caf and disappeared into the far corner, to a table obscured by the jukebox and out of sight from most of the cantina's visitors.
"Yes, it is a perfect replica, every detail quite as the original, can't tell the difference."
Theron quirked a brow, overhearing and recognizing Ravage's voice. He couldn't see the man anywhere though and instead leaned into the direction from whence his words came, somewhere behind him and around the corner.
"The agreed amount has been deposited into your account and remember, do not breathe a word of this to anyone if you value your life and that of your family."
"Of course, Darth Ravage," a voice crackled over what Theron presumed to be a holo-call, "I would take this to my grave, my Lord."
He heard Ravage growl, dangerously so, "Do not contact me again," and then there was silence.
Realizing the call had ended, Theron quickly slipped back into a far less conspicuous position, just in time as Ravage turned the corner and entered the cantina via the side entrance. The two caught each other's eye, briefly, and Ravage gave a snarl before he marched off.
'Scheming bastard, what have you been up to now?' Theron wondered and he considered the ways in which he might be able to trace the call the Sith had just made.
He didn't get too far into his plans. With an eye still on Ravage, he caught Eliza entering the cantina next and his heart nearly dropped when the Sith moved in to kiss her. To his surprise, however, she turned away, rejecting the rather public gesture of affection. Theron observed them exchanging a few quick words, Ravage's scowl increasing and then the man walked off while Eliza secured herself a lunch tray.
She turned inside, greeting several other people with a smile until she spotted Theron and froze in her tracks. Her smile disappeared, her eyes looked down and she seemed to contemplate leaving. It stung him, more than he could say but it also made him realize he desperately needed to apologize and work things out with her.
Decidedly, he took his tray and got up to approach her. "Do you think we can talk, please, privately?"
"I uh…" her voice wavered and he watched as she chewed on the inside of her lip, considering his request, "Yeah, I suppose, over there should be private enough." She indicated at the back room and he followed.
Eliza closed the privacy doors and sat down in the semi-circle booth, her eyes trained on the plate of food before her and it reminded Theron of one of their earliest interactions on Tython. Back then she hadn't cared much for him either, wrapped up in the dissent with her crew, her arguments with Satele and her concerns for Lord Scourge after their return from Makeb—it felt like a lifetime ago now.
"What is it, Theron?"
"I'm sorry, so very sorry for the things I said the other night, I shouldn't have. Your love life it's… not really any of my business."
"You're right, it's not," her response was curt.
"No… so, anyways, I'm sorry."
"Okay then."
But it wasn't okay, at all, and her body language made it quite clear. She looked tense, her cup of caf clutched between her hands so firmly she was close to crushing it. Her jaw clenched and she stared dead ahead, into nothing while small, staggered exhales escaped her pursed lips.
"It's not though, is it?" he asked to confirm and scooted closer.
"No, it's not," she admitted in deep thought, "nothing is okay…" Her voice rang heavy with all the things she didn't and couldn't say.
His words still stung and the implications he'd made, that she'd perceived, left her to feel she was dirty and immoral in his eyes. She felt judged, harshly, and it didn't sit well with her.
"Talk to me?"
"Hrm…" she sipped her caf and a miserable smile curled her lips.
"You know, Vowrawn he uh… yeah, we indulged in some passionate exchanges years ago. I was single at the time, I don't think that's so wrong but it ended and since then he's just been a close friend, a reliable one, almost like family but nothing more.
"And Cytharat? He's my cousin. Second cousin if you'd like to get technical so there's that and I'm not sure just how depraved you think I am but no, never."
He stared at her, his mouth agape and he felt completely flummoxed, not to mention stupid. "I don't think you're depraved at all and I'm… sorry, I had no idea…"
"No, you didn't but that's not even the worst part." She sat back, leaving her lunch untouched and putting her caf down.
"You made me feel guilty, vile for trying to move on with my life. For trying to have something in my life, even if it isn't love, just to feel alive for a fleeting moment. Trying to fill just the tiniest fraction of the void my dead husband left behind. How dare you?
"You, of all people and…" she paused, swallowing hard and a single tear rolled down her cheek when she looked at him, when she felt her heart ache, "the sad thing is, Theron, despite what you may think, what you've implied, you're the only person I… who I…"
The words caught in her throat held there by fear of admitting to the depth of her feelings for him. Held by the aching and exasperation she felt and the frustrating knowledge her words wouldn't make a difference now nor did she have the right to express them after all this time—not while he had moved on and was happily married.
"The only person you, what?" he tried gently and met her eyes.
'The only man I love just as much as I love Scourge,' the painful truth screamed in her head but she couldn't tell him. "Nothing, forget it, I have to go."
Eliza got up and tried to push her feelings down as deep as they would go. "I should check if Lana and Koth made it to the Swamp okay and I need to do research, figure out how to get this asshole out of my head."
"Please don't leave like this," he pleaded, getting up as well in an attempt to stop her, "I know you're holding something back, what is it?"
"Theron I can't," she sighed out, her hand on the door handle but he spun her around and trapped her between himself and the exit, "just let me be."
"There isn't anything in this galaxy that you cannot tell me."
She shook her head and gently pushed him away, now quickly opening the door to escape his presence.
"You're wrong— there are too many things I cannot tell you." Eliza gave him a contrite smile while another tear left her cheek. "I forgive you, we're okay but now I have to go."
"Eliza!" he called out but too late and she'd already rushed from his side, disappeared into the cantina's crowd before she vanished completely.
Theron stood perplexed, at a loss for words or understanding. His thoughts raced while his feet carried him back to the privacy of his own room where he slumped down behind his workstation.
Why would she ever think she couldn't tell him the things weighing on her mind? Had they grown that estranged, had he just hurt her so deeply that she no longer trusted him?
'Or perhaps I just no longer matter to her. After all, she walked away when I tried to kiss her, cut me off when I tried telling her that I love her and sent me away to Odessen ahead of herself… looking to be rid of me…'
The thoughts tormented him and it felt like an invisible claw gripped his heart, squeezing hard, setting off an aching that sickened his stomach.
'In fact, lately she seems to be avoiding me at every turn and she always walks away… she did years ago after telling me she didn't love me enough to stay… I'm such a fool.'
—
"Enjoyed your private lunch with Agent Pretty Boy?" Ravage drawled when Eliza returned to her own room where he lay back in bed reading a book.
"Oh do shut up," she snipped, still brushing her tears away.
He peered over the edge of his book, noting the distress in her voice and frowned. "What happened?"
"Don't ask and can you please like, go to your own room? I want to be alone."
"I'm not letting you send me away just because you're mad at that Republic piece of shit." He closed the book and put it aside. "What did he do this time?"
"Nothing. He apologized for the other night and then, nothing, it doesn't matter."
Frustrated and on edge still, she pushed the balcony doors open and sat on a single chair outside with her datapad. There was no way Ravage was leaving and she knew it but she'd be damned if she was going to entertain his questions on this matter—this was her struggle and hers alone.
Ever since Theron had appeared back in her life, and by his sheer presence alone reminded her of how much she loved him, she'd been wracked by guilt and misery. Longing for him while she knew it was pointless, pining over him and feeling guilty about it toward Lord Scourge—the husband she had still hoped to reunite with and was now forced to mourn.
Each day she spent in a tug of war between her grief over Lord Scourge and her continued, still blossoming love for Theron. It was maddening and only the tip of the iceberg in contrast to everything else she had to deal with.
"You need to get over him." Ravage stood behind her and made it clear he knew exactly what plagued her.
She muttered, "Trying to."
"He's married, Eliza, it's never going to happen."
"I know and I said I'm trying!"
Ravage took the empty seat next to her, sitting sideways and he leaned in. "Have you considered sending him and Nyssa elsewhere? Perhaps to team up with that other SIS prick, Balkar?"
"Out of sight, out of mind? Tried that, it didn't last."
"You seemed happier, less burdened until we arrived here."
A sigh escaped her lips as she finally caught on to his true concerns and she put her datapad down.
"Markus, we're not a couple and you won't lose me to him because you don't have me. Besides, he's married, as you pointed out."
"Yes, I know, we're not a couple," he growled quietly and echoed her statement while he turned back in his seat.
His knuckles cracked when he strained and flexed his hand a few times, casting his scowl over the landscape ahead of them, trying to hold the resentment he felt back.
"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, after all, you and I," she said.
Ravage's balled fist slammed down on the armrest of his chair and his anger rose to the surface. "Damn you!
"When will you open your eyes and see what you and I could have together?! You've been happier again in the past weeks, we have been happier, isn't that enough, isn't that what you want and need?"
"Of course it is but things aren't that black and white!" she yelled in return and got up, "I'm not in love with you!"
"No, you're in love with that asshole who's done nothing but upset and hurt you ever since he came back into your life!"
'I never should have suggested Beniko send him to Rishi,' Ravage scolded himself and his displeasure grew.
"Do you think I want to feel this way?! I can't stop! I spend every single day in hell! In love with him while I know damn well he's married! Seeing this fucking ring on my finger," Eliza shouted and held her hand up, showing off her wedding band, "and feeling my heart break!"
Tears sprung into her eyes all over again while she carried on, "Feeling I'm betraying Scourge by still loving the same man I loved years ago which led to our break up back then, to me hurting him! And now he's dead and I'm splitting the time I should spend mourning him, in favor of my never-ending love for Theron! I hate it!"
Ravage let out a deep groan and shook his head. "Then send him away, for your own good because this is destroying you!"
"It won't change anything between you and me," she argued sullenly and dealt another blow to the hopes he cherished.
The chair he'd sat in tumbled back when he got up abruptly and snatched her arm, snarling in an almost threatening way, "Send him away, Eliza, for your own sake and for his because if I catch you shedding so much as one more tear for that bastard, I'll end him!"
She was quick but he was faster and caught her wrist before she could slap him. "And threats like that are exactly why I could never truly love you! What the hell is wrong with you, where do you come off even saying such things?!" she accused.
"Because I love you and I am sick to death of watching you wallow in misery because of Theron fucking Shan!
"Because I think deep down you love me too and we were doing good without him! I saw it in your eyes last night when we made love, it was different from all previous times!"
"You're wrong!"
"Am I?" He pulled her flush against himself and kissed her hard, wasting no time to slip his tongue into her mouth while ignoring her protests.
The temper he'd tamed for so long in favor of winning her affections, unleashed and consumed him. Without another thought or care for anything but his own desires, he dragged her inside where he wiped the desk clean of all its clutter and turned her around, facing her away. He ripped the front of her shirt open, his hands eagerly kneading her breasts and then he forced her to bend over, down against the flat surface of the desk.
"Let me remind you, prove it to you, make you feel it," he growled and twisted one arm behind her back.
His sudden aggression startled Eliza, paralyzing her until reality kicked in and she screamed, "Ravage stop! Don't!"
This wasn't like any other time where they'd fought and settled their arguments in lust driven ways and every part of her protested fiercely, struggling against his weight and strength to get away. "Get off, please, not like this!"
He ignored her every word, keeping her pinned while his free hand hiked up her skirt and tore her underwear down in one fluid motion. "You'll see I'm right, that you belong with me, that you need me!"
His lips and teeth grazed her shoulder, up to her neck while he leaned over her and she heard the rustling of his robes, his belt coming off and dread set in. She fought to free her arm, to push his body off but his hold was far stronger and Eliza balled her fists.
Despair and panic welled up inside of her while she felt his hand wedge between her thighs, prying them apart and she realized she had only seconds left before it would be too late. Raw fury, awoken by the horror of her situation, took her in its grasp and surged through her veins. Her dark gift clawing at her skin and building up until she released a ferocious scream.
"ENOUGH!"
The darkness she'd learned to command did her bidding and formed a protective shell around her before it erupted into flames, knocking Ravage back with the force of her rage. He was thrown, far, to the opposite end of her room where he slammed into the wall and sunk down. One side of his face burned, agonizingly, touched by her fire and the scent of scorched flesh hit his nostrils.
The sudden turn of events quickly snapped him back to his senses, to the reality of what he'd done and he rose up. He touched his cheek which seared still and his eyes widened with shock, with onsetting fear when Eliza approached, cloaked in a tenebrous veil.
"Eliza no! I'm so—"
"Save it!" she hissed, closing the distance between them while she took him in a Force-grasp and pinned him up against the wall, an invisible claw closing around his throat, "Don't you ever, ever, look at me or touch me again!"
Tears covered her cheeks but her hatred was relentless and she refused to break, seething with rage. She felt her skin hot, her essence thirst for blood while the power coursing through her chanted 'kill, kill' with each crackling in her fingertips. All she wanted now was to make him pay, to punish him for laying a hand on her, sickened by what he'd tried to do while she'd finally grown to trust him and came to care about him.
Their fight and her screams had drawn the attention of those nearby, especially in the next room over and Theron came bursting through the door believing her to be in trouble.
"Eliza are you—" he called out, worriedly but stopped in his tracks when he saw her.
She stood shaken and disheveled, her top torn apart and the back of her skirt still half bunched up in an odd fashion. Behind her, he spotted the mess on the floor and the toppled chair laying by her desk and Theron immediately understood the gravity of the situation.
Ravage squirmed and pleaded while his vision grew dark, blurry, and he felt the suffocation set in, "Please!"
"Shut up!" she spat out though her arm grew heavy and she wavered, slowly crumbling under the weight of her upset and the toll her use of power took on her physique.
She couldn't last much longer, not like this and Theron realized quickly what it might do to her if she pushed herself too far. He knew the stories of her family, the risk if she carried on but what scared him more was Valkorion inside her mind, the fear he'd abuse her weakened state if she were to fall.
Without wasting another second, he put himself between the two of them and faced Ravage. He balled a fist and swung it hard into Ravage's burned jaw before he fired off a small dart from his wrist cuff and watched the Sith lose consciousness, just as Eliza's hold on him weakened and Ravage sank back to the floor where he passed out.
