Chapter Six

Clarification


Honestly, I needed someone to talk to.

I couldn't proceed advancing on my relationship with Tweek only to avoid him for days after, that wasn't fair on him. But my confidence was so indecisive, no, delicate, and I just couldn't face him after opening myself up so wide.

It was during soccer practice that my mind drifted to who I could talk to about this subject and I made a mental list of all the possible candidates between battling other players in the field.

I couldn't ask Kenny. Though he'd gifted me with some heartfelt advice he was apart of this plan with Cartman, no doubt he was getting paid too. Everyone knew McCormick would do anything for money. So anyway, I didn't want Cartman to know what I've done with Tweek- telling Kenny would most likely lead to that.

I massaged my temples furiously.

I briefly thought of Wendy before I realised Tweek had probably told her about us already since they were close. Token or Clyde crossed my mind but I didn't want them to assume I was gay when I didn't even know what I was myself yet.

And there it was, my entire list of friends and yet I couldn't talk to any of them. Some friends, huh?

Soccer practice was soon over and I was given a hostile lecture from coach. He told me to stop drifting and when I told him that I had a lot on my mind, which was true, he told me to "man the fuck up." Jesus, what did that even mean? I got enough of those kind of insults from my dad and I couldn't say that coach put me in a better mood than I was before, or even eased the tension as opposed to made it worse.

"Dude, you alright?" Kyle asked me as we began to change again. We had such brief small talk in the changing rooms and it was pretty much the only times we would converse but Broflovski had a considerate and caring nature about him while still keeping it cool, I liked that.

"I'm fine" I lied "just pissed off today." When wasn't the infamous sullen Craig Tucker not pissed off? Kyle probably thought.

"Yeah… Well, more so than usual" the redhead replied.

"It's coach, always on my fucking ass" I growled.

"You're our star player though man, he's got to be harsh on you."

"Pft, well, it's his fault I'm annoyed now anyway."

Kyle paused for a moment and the corners of his mouth slowly eased upwards. "It's not really coach who's got you all shitty is it?" He almost sounded patronizing.

I sighed.

"Is it that easy to tell?" I practically admitted to him. He nod in response.

"Look, we can go get coffee after school if you like, I'm free." He told me and I quirked an eyebrow at him cautiously. "I'm an open book, trust me."

"Alright, I'll meet you at the gates."

"Tweak bros?"

"No!" He was taken aback by my abruptness. "... Starbucks would be better, I mean."

"Okay, champ."

I clearly needed to stop being so covert about the mention of Tweek because it wasn't helping my case. Plus, I wasn't sure why Kyle would be so chill about listening to my problems but it made sense to me that he was someone I could confide in. Kyle was the most astute boy in our year by far, the wisest and I dare say the most mature. He could've probably taken what I had to say without making fun of it like most of my other "friends" would.

He smiled at me cheerfully and grabbed his bag before leaving. I took my time, math could wait.


With his freckled hands wrapped around a java, Kyle snorted at my choice of beverage.

"Sweet tooth much?" He observed my double hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows, all the trimmings.

"I'm not big on coffee coffee" I said dryly. He seemed amused by this.

We sat in complacent silence for a while, silence was always comfortable for me. We watched the flakes of snow cream the town through the large windows of the cafe as we sipped on our hot drinks.

May as well get it over with I thought.

"Kyle…" I started. He looked to me sincerely. "Have you ever had feelings for someone you probably shouldn't?"

"What kind of feelings?"

"I can't be sure really. This person has always been important to me even though we didn't talk for years. We've only ever been friends but, I don't know, I have feelings for them, I think."

"Yeah, I guess I've felt that before. But why shouldn't you have feelings for them? What's wrong with dating a friend? If you have a girl who you get on with really well then surely that's the best relationship to have."

And that's where he noticed my hesitation, me biting my lip at the mention of a 'girl.' His eyebrows raised in surprise but he didn't laugh or mock me, he placed his coffee down and smirked a little.

"This isn't a girl, is it?" There we went again with the subtle condescending tone. I sighed in response. "If you're gay, it's cool" He told me.

"I'm not gay" I cut defensively.

"Alright, alright. Maybe you're bi."

I sat back in the armchair and spared a minute to ponder his speculation. I hadn't really considered that possibility before.

"Maybe. But it's not like I've ever had a crush on a guy before though. Just him."

"Can I ask who it is?"

"No."

Kyle chuckled "Okay then. Well, does he know you like him?"

"Most likely... But you can probably guess I'm not that open about my feelings."

Kyle took a moment to collect his thoughts as he drummed his fingers over the coffee mug. I regretted most of this conversation at this point.

"Right, the best thing I can suggest is talking it out with this guy. I know, I know, that sounds terrifying, especially for you but what have you got to lose? Life really is too short to not explore yourself Craig, something really good might come out of this. If not then you just remain friends and that's cool too. I'm sorry I can't be a better help but I don't know who this guy is, you probably know what his reaction will be better than I do."

I mulled over his explanation and thought deeply about it. He was true, very true. The answer was so simple, any lonely idiot could give that kind of relationship advice, I was just a coward.

"Have you ever had feelings for a guy?" I questioned, out of curiosity.

"No... but if the womanizer of South Park can drop all of that for a dude then anything can happen" he winked at me.


Tweek came round my house on Saturday night to play video games with me as usual. He insisted that hanging out at his house was the ignition to fire of his parents' cooing at us like they did to every male friend Tweek would bring to his house. What caffeine-rigged weirdos... But I couldn't say this house wasn't any less mad. My father was quite old fashioned; should he know that I kissed a boy, he'd be furious. At least he and my mother weren't around right now to know anyway.

However, tonight wasn't simply another round of ps4. I wanted to get something off my chest that had been spinning in my mind since I started seeing Tweek which can't be any more than two weeks at this point. I had a fair few questions and I'm sure he did too. The heart to heart with Kyle had given me a little reassurance.

My dad may not approve of homosexuality but he didn't mind if I drink, smoke or have meaningless sex with women, you know, "manly" things. So he'd often leave me beer and I took out a rack for me and Tweek in hope it might take the edge off our conversations. To my surprise he didn't hesitate at all and quickly downed his first can as fast as I opened mine. I chuckled, there was a lot I didn't know about Tweek after such time apart.

"This is gluten free right?" He asked cautiously "I don't want my dick flying off." Funny, I wasn't used to Tweek cursing so casually.

"Sure Tweekers" I answered him, taking a long sip of my own.

Was it too soon to question him? I observed his face. He had a dusting of orange freckles across his cheeks; his tongue was poking through his lips in concentration as he pounded the controller with his thumbs and eventually groaned at his failure on the game which broke my gaze and made me realise I was staring quite intensely.

"Tweek" I began as he took a sip of his second can "can I try something?" he looked at me and cocked his eyebrow.

"Yeah, what is it?" I bowed forward and gently pulled the controller out of his hands, my nose brushed against his and I resisted the urge to grin when I felt his cheeks heat up. I kissed him softly and placed my hands on his hips.

My heart was racing and my hands were convulsing. I never felt this amateurish kissing girls. Kissing Tweek wasn't unpleasant but for some reason I just didn't want him to think I sucked at it or something, I felt like I did.

Despite my uncertainty I continued to kiss him a little harder, until his head gently hit the cushions on the couch and I was in the familiar position of being on top of him and I felt him softly bite my bottom lip which startled me, I'm sure he heard me squeak quietly in response.

He pulled back, beaming up at me and caressing my cheeks gingerly with those cold, soft fingers. "You're so cute" he whispered. I felt an odd mixture of insulted and flattered, my cheeks suddenly flared up.

"Shut up" I almost laughed as I pressed my lips against his own once more; my hands squeezed his hips more firmly. I felt him slide his fingertips up the back of my neck which commanded the hairs to stand to attention as he raked his fingers through my hair and pulled out the hair band keeping it all black tresses fell across my face.

I felt my palms become clammy and his breath quickened in my mouth. This was also a familiar feeling, or thought. It just seemed more passionate than I'd known. I'd almost forgotten about the questions I had lined up for the blond I was ravishing beneath me right now. My head was beginning to cloud with colors and the sound of Tweek as his fingers brushed past my ear with the tenuous moans he made against my lips. I was engulfed.

I broke the kiss and took a deep breath to gaze at the flushed, hazy glow of Tweek's face and his now swollen lips. I smiled at him and stroked his hair before sitting us both up and caressing his arms. I couldn't kiss him anymore than I had, I'd have definitely gone further and I wasn't ready for that, nor was he... probably. I was still so perplexed about this boy before me.

"Hey… Can I ask you something?" I said as I felt him play with my fingers in his own.

"Sure." He nod. I swallowed.

"Well, sorry if this sounds weird but like… Are you gay?" I asked and he started giggling which was the opposite response to what I expected.

"Well no shit Craig, that's why I'm kissing a dude right now."

Okay, well that made sense. It looked like he was pretty open about it too. Usually things like sexuality spread like wildfire in school, how come I'd never heard of Tweek coming out? Perhaps I just didn't care to listen at the time. So wrapped up in myself.

"What about you?" He asked me and my chest turned to stone. I didn't know how to answer.

"W-well… I don't think so" I mumbled.

"You realise why that wouldn't make sense though, right? Can I ask you, did you like kissing me?"

I felt exposed now. I hated feeling exposed and vulnerable. I could answer a simple 'yes' and who would care besides Tweek, the only guy in the room right now? But it wasn't Tweek who I was afraid admitting that to. It was myself.

"I do like kissing you, Tweek" I stammered and he simpered at me thoughtfully.

"I'm glad…" he said "I am gay but you don't need a label for it… I was confused a couple years ago when I started questioning it. My head was fucking with me constantly but Wendy is accepting and I suppose she helped me accept that part of myself that I was trying to deny. She's my closest friend."

I was stunned by his words. I stared at him momentarily, my mouth agape and he began blushing and twitched a little. "W-what?!" He stuttered.

I smirked at him. What a blind idiot I had been this whole time. Everything he said rang true to me. It didn't matter that Tweek was a little younger and had less experience than me, that he was very co-dependant and naive because he was so much more figured out than me. His maturity hit me like a brick and I'd be lying if I said my ego hadn't been damaged by the fact Tweek was wearing the pants between us right now.

He had a girlfriend and maybe that's what I needed. Not a girlfriend, but a friend that is a girl. Women (at our age at least) tend to see things a lot more grey rather than black and white. Like what Tweek said, Wendy was accepting and honest and I could do with someone like that who could talk these things out with me. Or at least someone who was gay like Tweek but no way could I open my armour up to Tweek anymore than I already had tonight and as for Kenny, he was supposedly in a casual relationship with Butters; but you can't be too careful with his advice.

I hugged him tightly. "Thanks Tweek, thank you" I exclaimed. He gradually embraced me back and giggled. I tucked a piece of blond hair behind his ear and lay against him.

"Will you go to Bebe's party with me next friday?" I asked and the mood went cold. I sat up off him and tilted my head as he grew shy and twitched again.

"I don't know Craig, you know I don't really like social situations…" he jittered and I sighed apologetically.

"It's okay, we can just chill round here if you like, or at yours. Have a sleepover or something." God that sounded childish.

"Hey you can go without me, idiot."

"I don't want to."

He blushed lightly and placed his hands in mine. "I'll try to come along I guess."

"Good, it will be a bit of fun and if not, I'll drive you home and we can watch some Terrance and Phillip."

I liked this. I had to admit, there was something beautiful and warm about being affectionate this way with your best friend. I felt content and happier and even a little bashful. It was a weird side of me only Tweek brought out and I wasn't against it. Some part of me wished I could hate this but the truth was, I didn't. I really liked being 'gay' with Tweek.