Chapter Seven
Sort of Terrified
It was Monday after school that Cartman dragged me behind the building with a hand on his hip. He'd been waiting for me and I had forgotten about him completely, I was enjoying myself too much to think about this bastard.
"Don't forget our deal still stands, Tucker. If you want your car you better keep hanging out with that loser" he told me as he observed his hands.
"I am" I seethed "we've been out together most of the weekend and it was going okay until I saw your ugly face today."
Cartman's said face brightened up and he patted me on the shoulder much to my dislike.
"Well done, well done. Here I was thinking you'd bailed on me."
"Aren't you meant to be keeping an eye on me anyway?" I questioned him.
"I've been occupied with tons of… new gadgets" his voice trailed off. "But anyway, you earned it."
He held out some crumpled fifty dollar bills and my mind went blank momentarily. I stared at the money without a clue what it was for until it hit me again that me and Tweek weren't really a thing, this was a set up, a bet that I had lost. I felt like a convicted criminal right now with the money lingering before me like some shady reward.
I felt guilty, so incredibly guilty. I thought of Tweek, how his little face would drop if he saw this. I used to feel nothing; I could hurt and use anyone through and through, emotionally manipulate them. I could treat them like shit and still accept their love without feeling remorseful about it but now I felt everything. I felt karma, I felt ashamed of myself.
"I don't want it" I said quietly but firmly. Cartman frowned at me.
"Why not?" He asked and I could tell he was miffed.
"Because this is wrong. Tweek doesn't deserve it."
"You better not be backing out now. Your forfeit will be worse."
"I don't care you fat fuck! I'm not going to do this to him anymore." I smacked his hand away from me and began walking the opposite direction until he jumped in front of me and add more notes to his hand.
"Are you really gonna pass up on this much, Craig?" He condescended as he swayed the money in front of me like bait. "Your car" he continued "is only a couple of hundred away then what? You can drive out of this shithole, huh? Is that what you want?"
I glared at him, my eyes saw only scarlet.
"Keep at it with Tweek, just a week or two more and you'll get what you want; so will everyone." I continued to bore my eyes viciously into him. I couldn't believe him, how sick and twisted people like him were. But most of all I couldn't believe myself for reaching out and taking it despite the damage it could cause. It just went to show how selfish people can be, how selfish I can be.
I hated myself.
"Why do you want this so badly?" I asked him finally. He looked me dead in the eye and almost smirked.
"Mind your own business, I'll mind mine" and with a pat to his nose, he left.
I stood in utter revolt of myself, the world morphed gray around me. I examined the notes thoughtfully and placed a smoke between my lips. Never mind what Cartman wanted me for, what did I want this for? A car, yes but vehicles seemed pointless to me at that moment. The fat boy was right, I did want to drive out of South Park and start fresh somewhere new. I hated it here, the way that messed up childhood rots all over the buildings, the way the same old people corrode any opportunity of change. This town was full of fucked up, racist and close-minded rednecks and no amount of Whole Foods could have transformed us into anything better than that. Scum of the country.
It was the very reason that I decided to close off from people, keep my friends like Clyde and Token down to brief conversations, have strictly physical relationships with girls and shut off from any chance of that bullshit best friend nonsense. When I leave, I didn't want to leave anything important behind because I knew I'd never come back and see them again. In fact the only person I'd consider keeping in contact with was Tricia, my little sister.
I lit the cigarette and inhaled as deep as I could, embracing the nicotine the way that tree roots absorb water.
So why did a car seem fruitless to me now? I'd done it, hadn't I? Gotten myself involved in an affiliation of sorts. Me, Craig Tucker, could I possibly be dependant on something other than myself? I could avoid Tweek and after a while I'd be back on track, I only needed to see him for two weeks at the most now and I've done that before, detached myself when I feel like I'm becoming vulnerable to my feelings but… I didn't want to. How could I let my best friend go again? I liked him.
"You look full of questions" interrupted a voice and I spun around on my heels to see a not so unfamiliar sight of four pale and forlorn figures huddled together. They too were smoking.
The goth kids. Had I not decided to be a lone wolf of sorts, I would have collided into their group. Everyone seemed to think after not so long ago that I fit there more than 'Craig's gang.' I'd agree had it not been for the fact that I don't complain about life openly, I just think it. I admired the goths for being candidly cynical and realistic, whilst I'm still hiding behind a fake smile. Mostly because of my dad. If his son wasn't the star football player who gets into fights then what else would he have to be proud of? Good grades? Certainly not.
I presented them with my middle finger and Pete with the red hair scorned at me as he flipped his hair to the side. "Oh, finger of thee rejection" he mocked "you showed me there."
"I have no questions for you" I told them simply.
"Then maybe you have questions for yourself" Henrietta gestured to the money. I couldn't form words to retaliate to that.
"We heard the whole thing" Michael intervened "I feel sorry for the poor pigeon that's going to find out how shitty his or her date really is."
"Haven't you got screamo to write and arms to cut?" I told them as I stamped out my cigarette butt.
"Please, we're not emo."
"There's nothing wrong with being a shitty person, deep down that's what we all are. Our true colors are black and white, but pretending to be good is wrong. At least admit that you're a pathetic life form to your boyfriend rather than lead him on" Firkle, the smallest of them explained eerily. I paused.
"What makes you think I have a boyfriend?" I asked and Pete raised his brows coyly.
"We heard through the grapevine that you're into guys. But we don't judge here, we don't even care in fact. But there's rumours going around that you're fucking a man and if you, the top of the social food chain don't know about this then it may be a call for concern." He took a toke from his cigarette and I mouthed the words to myself.
Fucking a dude? Where the hell would that come from? I could feel anger flood to my cheeks as I stormed off to class. My initial conclusion was that Cartman had ran his huge mouth about our deal but when I examined the situation closer I realised that it could be anyone. Kenny, Butters, Wendy, Kyle and even Token and Clyde if they had taken the bet seriously like I had. Could it even be Tweek? I doubted it, he was too introverted to talk about his life like that. Nevertheless, no doubt the goths' words would be haunting the rest of my day.
I met Tweek in the library at lunch again because I promised to help him with some science homework he'd been struggling with and I'd been looking forward to it too until my encounter with the goth kids. Ever since that morning I felt like all eyes were plastered onto me and it wasn't half true.
I didn't get as many greetings from my teammates during practice. Kyle still spoke to me as usual but the atmosphere was different, a few people seemed more cautious; some even seemed amused. No one had questioned me about this 'rumour' yet though which made me think it was just me being paranoid. I also asked Kyle briefly if he knew about this rumour and he insisted that this was the first he'd heard of it but I had to wonder how the goth kids, the most antisocial of all the cliques knew about it. Were they messing with me?
"Craig" apparently he'd been trying to get my attention for a little while now. "If oestrogen is produced in the ovaries then what about progesterone? Doesn't it come from the same place too?" I took a moment to go over my menstruation cycle knowledge before he whined and whacked his head against the book. "Please Craig I don't understand the science of periods!"
"The majority of your time is spent with girls" I chuckled ironically but I could understand why he didn't get it. I had somewhat of a photographic memory, so I remembered even the stuff I didn't take an interest in, but I suppose Tweek could care less about vaginas, so why should he learn about them?
"You seem distracted you know" Tweek breathed. He could tell, he must be the only one who could tell. "What's wrong?" He asked me sincerely. I defeatedly began to explain.
"There's just some rumours going round about me. Usually I don't care but…"
"What are they about?" He placed his hand on mine earnestly and circled his thumb around my wrist. It felt comforting until I snatched my hand back into my lap and glanced around sheepishly. He was taken aback and twitched a little as he observed the scene.
"Oh…" He seemed to understand what the rumours were about after that and looked down at his page with an almost sullen expression spread across his face. Had he realised now? Realised the kind of repulsive and misleading person I was that I was too ashamed of my sexuality to let him touch me in a library, let alone in public.
He looked up at me with a charming expression and to my surprise he smiled. "Don't worry, rumours die down quickly. We can stop hanging out in school if that makes it better anyway-"
"No" I frowned at him "why… Why would I do that?"
"Because being around me isn't gonna make you look straight is it? Most people know I'm gay, Craig. That's probably why this started."
"What kind of person would I be if I ditched you because I was worried about myself?"
He didn't answer that. He gazed at me almost apologetically and gave me a sad smile. My heart sank, he didn't need to speak to give me the most truthful answer. That expression spoke a thousand words. I'd be a Craig Tucker kind of person if I did that to him.
Before I could walk away and wallow in my self-pity again he got up and stood before me.
"Well you know, I told my parents that I have a tutor now: you, and since I'm failing every class they're pretty happy for you to come round whenever. Which means if you come round and help me revise they won't think that I'm bringing my boyfriend over. Therefor they won't annoy us." He looked fairly proud of himself.
He was too good for me.
"I'm your tutor now am I?" I had to grin.
"Well yeah and you better tutor me because I'll get grounded if I keep getting Fs on everything."
"You get Fs?"
"Uh-huh, sometimes even an E."
"That's awful."
We both shared a laugh before I brought out a book on female anatomy and explained the questions so that we could finish his homework. Being his tutor sounded like a good idea. It was a chance to spend time with Tweek and I liked doing that.
When I got back home I had a bath and soaked in it for well over an hour and in my defence, my muscles were aching from the intense practice and probably the intense anxiety too. I could truly envision my worries seeping out of my skin and draining away when I got out and pulled the plug. But that was just a thought, I was still just as unhinged as before.
I had to go out with Token, Clyde and Jimmy today after school. Had to, yes because I rarely enjoy going out and screwing around but I had to keep some kind of social reputation up. It's not that I hated my friends because Clyde was always nice to me, Jimmy had made me laugh a few times and Token was one of the most down to earth people I knew but I functioned better on my own, I always have. I just didn't want to lose them as allies I suppose, I wanted to look normal and blend in with the crowd. I don't know why.
Once I'd washed my hair, I got out of the bath and wiped the steam off the mirror to observe my body through it.
I didn't think much of myself but I could see why people were attracted to me. I needed some kind of sex appeal to compensate for my gloomy personality and I guess here it was. Practising football as South Park High's quarterback nearly everyday on top of going to the gym a few times a week had given me a build to be somewhat proud of. I'd been told that I had nice eyes before too; people said they were "stormy." They were in fact gray that were leaning towards blue. My eyes are a bright sapphire colour when I'm happy but that's a rare sight. They weren't interesting like Tweek's eyes. One was a soft teal whilst the other was entirely green. It was a subtle difference but I noticed it and it really appealed to me; I loved how it was almost a physical representation of how weird he was.
As for Tweek's body… I wouldn't know. He seemed like the scrawny type, the 'skin and bone' type but I distinctly remember him beating me up plenty of times in elementary school. For all I know he could be completely ripped by now.
I wrapped a towel around my waist and my mind drifted. I wanted to see his body. I couldn't help but imagine what he looked like under those scruffy clothes. Probably beautiful.
I was laid on my bed in a pair of boxer shorts with Stripe clutched to my chest when Tricia let herself in.
She was thirteen now and had long gone ditched the pigtails to settle for a bun instead. Every thirteen year old thinks they're finally mature and cool but I didn't see her that way at all, I felt sorry for her that she hadn't quite experienced the harsh quality of being a teenager yet. But in all fairness she was doing better than me, I'd already been arrested by the age of twelve.
"Let yourself in why don't you" I quipped. She scoffed sarcastically and flipped me off to which I returned the gesture. It was an ongoing family ritual. A Tucker habit.
"Put some clothes on!" She opposed as she scooped Stripe off my chest and clutched him close to her, as if he was bothered by my bareness.
"You're in my room" I pointed out "and why is that anyway, what do you want?"
"Mom says dinner is ready."
"What is it?"
"Well we're having mac n' cheese. You've got chicken, eggs, salad and those weird beans again."
"Kidney beans?"
"Yeah those."
I groaned. Dad had made sure that mom made me a separate meal to them because I needed "more protein" and it was always the same damn thing. The mix of food that I didn't like.
"I don't want it" I told her finally and she nod in respect.
"Fair enough. It seems boring everyday." It was.
"Is dad home?"
"No he's at Skeeter's again."
Of course. The only reason my house was free when it was is due to mom at work and dad at the bar, probably bragging about his son to all his friends. I wondered how Tricia felt about that. She was the smartest in her year and played piano beautifully but dad wasn't impressed by that, even mom wasn't on some level. It was so blatantly obvious that I was the favourite child and truly I wished that my sister got more credit for what she did. When I'm gone they'd have to pay attention to her.
"Will you bring me up some mac n' cheese?" I asked and she looked at me smugly as if to ask what was in it for her.
"Okay, I'll sneak you some if you answer something."
"Oh God, what is it?"
"Well um…" she ran her fingers over Stripe's little nose and pursed her lips in thought.
"What?" I repeated.
"Are you… Do you like boys?"
My eyes widened at her and I felt like I was going to choke on the air in my lungs. One thing after another I tell you, soon the whole world would be wondering if I'm gay. Where the hell had she even gotten that from? I tried my best to keep my cool as I sat up and raised an eyebrow at her.
"No. Why do you ask that?"
"I saw you, Craig."
"What are you on about?"
"I saw you kissing that blond boy."
"What, when?"
"On Saturday night."
"But you were at Karen's on Saturday."
"Her parents had a fight so I left and when I came out of my room later that night I went downstairs and saw you."
"The hell you did."
"I did! You were making out on the couch with a boy so stop pretending that you didn't because I saw you!"
I had nothing to reply to that. She saw me on top of Tweek kissing him and there wasn't any way to disguise that as anything other than what it was. Part of me knew this would happen eventually, someone would see us and put one and one together but I didn't expect it to be Tricia. How could I have been so clumsy as to not notice she was still in the house? What if she told dad? He'd disown me.
As if she could read my mind, she placed Stripe in his cage and head for the door. "Don't worry, I won't tell mom and dad but tell me these things, I tell you everything. If you have a boyfriend then I don't care but you could at least be honest about it."
"He's not my boyfriend."
"Right, and denial doesn't exist."
"Go away."
When she left I punched my pillow furiously before I collapsed into it. I didn't want to deal with this. Cartman's stupid bet had landed me in nothing but shitstorm after shitstorm. If anything else happened then I'd have to call it off because now my sister knew about Tweek. Now she'd seen us, I can't decide to be straight anymore because she'll always be questioning what she saw for the rest of her life and so would I. Because being gay or straight, it's a decision isn't it? Dad always told me that but I don't know why I'd listen to his advice.
I didn't know what I wanted to decide for myself yet. Part of me just wanted the choice to be happy.
