Chapter Eleven

Internalized


A/N: More smut in this chapter and also those distressing themes I mentioned earlier. Read at your own accord.

It was a particularly snowy day on Monday morning; the entirety of South Park woke up half an hour earlier to scrape ice and snow off their cars ready for school and work. School was really pushing their luck mind you, forcing the students to lug themselves through knee-high snow for the day. In fact, I was worried that football practice might be off today because of the extreme weather and hell knows I needed the extra practice as the team leader.

I'd spent the weekend fluttering from Tweek and his parents' house to my own family, managing to squeeze lunch in with Token and Clyde and trying to get on everyone's good side, especially my dad. No doubt he was growing suspicious of my recurring absences out with Tweek although he didn't know any better. As far as he was concerned, I was tutoring a friend in class.

Cut me some slack, at least it was half true.

The night before, I stayed at Tweek's again. We had french toast and hot coffee with his parents for breakfast (who, by the way, I was warming up to a lot more) and then we strolled to school together, Tweek clad in a thick coat and mittens after my insists.

With my free hand, I pulled out a cigarette and Tweek sheltered the flame of my lighter for me as I lit the end; his hands shivered in the alpine bitterness of Colorado. The first of December had been and gone, we were now a few days into the month and although snow was not a foreign visitor to our little mountain town, it didn't make it any easier to deal with; my stogy was only just hanging between my frozen lips for dear life without falling.

"I-it's cold" Tweek pointed out, quite obviously.

"I know" I replied as I inhaled the hot smoke deep into my lungs and offered my counterpart a toke. It helped one warm up in its own strange way.

"I'm really not looking forward to tonight" I sighed.

"I know… Just, get it over with. You can text me under the table if you like" he grinned. We were of course referring to the dinner I had to have with Red and her family later that evening. I didn't know them very well and the fact my dad wanted me to get close was a sure sign things would be uncomfortably boring at her house.

"I will text you, Tweek" I smirked at him and watched in amusement as he struggled to walk through the snow, shivering and trying not to laugh with my cigarette in his mouth. After observing him pitifully, I pulled my hat off my head and held it out to the blond no sooner had I got it back from him. "Here" I smiled "you may as well keep it."

He wide-eyed the fabric and gingerly took it from me. "But… this is your hat" he said faintly while he twiddled it in his fingers, as if it were something sacred.

"Yeah and it's yours now" I interjected before he could argue with me any further. He pulled it over his snow-glazed mane and beamed up at me lovingly as I marveled him in my hat. Arguably, it suit him more than me.

Once we got closer to the crowds of students and the intimidating gates of school, Tweek dropped my hand. Alas, the moment of morning affection was pierced harshly by the unsettling sight of hundreds of eyes pinned onto me, even after Tweek had let go of my hand. I could feel gazes from every direction burn through my cold skin, sniggers from girls and the cupped hands of boys that sheltered judgemental whispers. I began to inwardly panic, my brain was frothing and... What the fuck was going on?

Tweek was also feeling the effects of this, his hands twitched anxiously as he feigned to keep the most nonchalant brave smile upon his face. My throat quickly became dry and my heart plummeted up to my ears. Something had happened.

Storming ahead and leaving Tweek to find a familiar face of his own, I swiftly trudged through the entrance and blocked out every giggle and finger that pointed at me. A hand yanked me towards them and I was face to face with Clyde, a wary look painted across his face while his hand gripped to my jacket tightly.

"Don't" He warned, but I had no idea what he was warning me about. I leaned closer to him and licked my lips, I was trying not to hyperventilate.

"What the fuck is going on?!" I hissed, all too aware of the people around me. Everyone knew something that I didn't.

"You just… Craig, don't be mad, okay?" He looked cautious.

"Why would I be mad? You need to tell me what the fuck is happening right now or I will be mad."

"Cartman. He's got you."

"What do you mean?!"

That was when Clyde let go of my jacket and motioned to the hall. Without sparing another glance to my friend, I wasted no time in chasing the cause of all this ruckus. I galloped to where the crowd gathered the most and pushed past all the shocked and curious faces.

It was then that I'd never felt so unbelievably violated in my life. My eyes were searing and I could feel a vein on my forehead poke out and pulsate with anger. He'd done it, the fat asshole had really fucked me over.

There were photographs nailed to every billboard in the hall, taped to every other locker, strewn across the floor and clutched in jarred hands. These photos were of me and Tweek kissing against the desk of his bedroom, the memory was only a week or so old and fresh as fruit. Tweek had found his way into the crowd and stared in disbelief at a photo he'd scooped up from the floor. I watched his tired eyes scan the paper and his face redden in embarrassment. He caught my eyes and furrowed his brows in dismay and then a look that I'd seen all too often… He stared at me apologetically.

How was that fair? I looked closely at the photo of me and Tweek and felt the anger boil in the pit of my stomach. The moment was private, it was mine. What gave the fatass a right to do that to me? To us.

All of a sudden PC Principal came parrading down the halls, barking at the students to get back to class and eyeing the photographs intently. He caught me glare in disbelief and yelled my name before I blanked him and bolted through the halls. My throat was dry as bone and the panic had already seeped in. I briefly caught him drag Tweek into his office before I slipped into the toilets and ran to the sink to splash my febrile face with cold water.

This couldn't have been happening. Everyone would know, everyone would fucking think I was a fag.

As I held a vicious staring contest with my reflection, ready to smash it into shards, someone at the door brought me out of my moment.

"Hey Tucker buttfucker." His voice was childish and raspy, it didn't take too long to figure out who was stood at the doorway of the boys' restroom.

Kenny McCormick stood, a stash off photographs in his grasp and a coy expression buttered across his face. I hastily put one and one together.

"You… You fucking did this!" I bolted towards him and gripped his orange parka before I pressed him up against the tiles and heard his head thud against the ceramic and the photos littered across the floor. The latter grinned up at me, wrapped his hands around my wrists and nod his head, almost victoriously.

"Why!?" I smacked his body against the wall to earn a hiss of pain before he attempted to push me away, succeeding.

"I told you to take Tweek to the dance, didn't I? So did Cartman, but you had to go and ignore us. Should've listened." Before I knew it, I was back at his shoulders and neck like a dog off it's leash, my teeth bared savagely.

"What do you mean us? Why are you in on this? It has nothing to do with you!" I seethed and Kenny's smile flipped into aggression as he fought against my football grip on his shoulders, wincing and struggling to pry away. I wasn't even pushing as hard as I could, I knew that I could break a bone or two in the poor kid's flimsy little body but I held back to demand answers.

"Why didn't you just take the money? We were good, why did you have to make this difficult!?" He growled. I couldn't believe that not so long ago I considered this boy a friend.

"It was wrong. It was wrong and you know it."

"Ain't nothing wrong about being paid to bust your nut, amigo." I could barely comprehend the cockiness in his voice and then I absolutely lost it.

Before he could laugh at himself, my hands were around his neck; I was pushing the dirty blond hard against the tiles until his nails were hacking at my arms and his legs flapped around aimlessly like a fish out of water. All I could see was red.

"Listen here you trailer trash piece of shit!" I spat, my fingers clamped round Kenny's neck even tighter "why the fuck are you so involved in this? You hate Cartman!"

He tried to answer me but his voice came out in mangled whimpers and his face began to turn an alarming shade of purple. My brain was screaming at me to let go before I accidentally ended the guy's life but my hands would not loosen, my teeth were grinding so hard together I could hear them louder than Kenny's boots thrashing against the wall.

"You were meant to be my friend. Why would you do this to me, huh?!" I could hear the hurt in the back of my throat and eyes that threatened to break through already. "You told me all this bullshit about taking Tweek somewhere nice, about you and Butters in the tiki motel; I thought you were on my side, why are you doing Cartman's dirty work!?"

Kenny tried his hardest to wrestle my hands off his tender neck, he barely managed a gasp of air here and there until I lay all of my body weight against him and had him completely stradled.

"I-I.. ch-" He croaked.

"You what?!"

"I cheated" Kenny only just managed to squeeze out the words before I dropped him and he crawled against the urinals on the other side of the restroom. He was choking and coughing frantically, clutching his chest that rose and fell as quick as our heartbeats. I loomed over him and let him regain his breath before I probed the conversation further.

"What do you mean you cheated?" I asked gravely. Kenny looked away shamefully.

"I cheated on Butters. Me and the guys went to a halloween party in October, it was in costume, I got really drunk and I fooled around with some guy…" he covered his face with his dirty hands and proceeded with his now hoarse and laboured voice "Cartman knew about it. He said he was gonna tell Butters if I didn't do as he said… I didn't want to lose your trust Craig but you have to understand… I love Leo, if he left me I'd- I'd fucking kill myself."

"If you loved him then why would you cheat on him!?" I crouched down to meet his face, a shade hot pink from the choking and then tears that started to brim around his blue eyes.

"I don't know. It was stupid."

"You're damn fucking right it was stupid because now you've got me into shit with these photos. How did you even get them?"

"Cartman's drone.. He-"

"I should've know. That nazi bastard..." I felt my legs bend and I slid my back down the wall to sit against it and opposite from Kenny who seemed to have regained his breath back. He stared at me; I stared right back, rage less present.

"So, Cartman is blackmailing you into making my life a living hell because you're lying to your boyfriend?" I asked. He shot me a look of bewilderment.

"Hey, don't take the moral fucking high ground, Craig, because you're not any better. None of this would be happening if you weren't lying to Tweek." I couldn't argue, he was right. I narrowed my eyes at him and he returned the glare before he muttered under his breath "If you weren't such a closeted little pussy we'd still be friends you know."

"Oh right, because I don't fuck everything I see I'm a pussy? You cheated on your boyfriend with another man. That's disgusting" I scorned.

"What do you think is disgusting about it? The fact I cheated or that it was another guy?"

"I… that" I stammered "the fact you cheated obviously!" Kenny snorted.

"Right, whatever Craig, at least I'm confident about my sexuality. I'm not gonna let a confused arrogant asshole with daddy issues shame me for liking boys. In fact, I've thought of giving you a go."

"What did you say?" I could already feel the steam eject from my ears.

"I'd fuck you Craig, I'll fuck you right in your cute little ass." That was it. I leapt towards him and threw my fist into his face, the outburst caused me to shake violently. Kenny looked up at me with bulbous eyes, blood gushed from his nose and yet a gap-toothed grin still patronizing me.

This boy was indestructible.

"Take it back!" I demanded as my breath fanned depravedly over his face.

"Why don't you just admit you like boys."

"Because I don't like boys!" I yelled, fresh tears beginning to protrude through my eyelids and spill over my cheeks. I tried so hard not to cry, not here, not in front of Kenny McCormick.

I punched him again, this time in the stomach and I heard the wind escape from his mouth but here he still was, smiling lopsidedly at me with a grip on my shoulders.

"You like boys, Craig Tucker, you are gay!" he repeated, accentuating every word as if pushing my buttons the first hundred times wasn't enough.

"No!" I wailed between angered sobs and kept slamming his malnourished body against the urinal until his dirty blond hair became matted with scarlet. "I'm not gay! I'm not a fucking faggot like you" the tears were almost painful, the words were leaving a sour taste in my mouth but I didn't stop. "I hate you, all of you fucking queers, I'll kill you, I'll fucking kill you, you goddamn fairy piece of shit!" The words escaped my mouth as quickly as the tears and I couldn't take them back. Kenny's head must've become numb after the many times it hit the urinal, hair saturated in piss and blood. The insane smile was long gone. He moaned in pain as he became more and more limp with each concussion.

However, a surge of strength came over him and he unexpectedly swung his fist in the air until it collided with my mouth, instantly causing me to stumble back and curse at the sting, letting him go.

"Kill me then!" Kenny screamed at me. The blood and tears created an unusual consistency across his face. He grabbed the front of my jacket and shook me vigorously, forcing me to look into his swollen red eyes. "Kill me, fucking kill me! I don't want to live in a world with hateful confused dirtbags like you. So go on, do it, do it right now!"

He was crying. He was crying uncontrollably and before I had the urge to raise my fist once again, I took a deep breath, I let it out and I gradually stood to my feet. This was the moment I realized that the situation wasn't right and it wasn't worth it.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, tears and snot, eyes pink and puffy and then there was the metallic taste of blood in my mouth. Kenny was huddled against the urinal, clutching his nose in agony.

I splashed water on my face and waited for it to cool down before I head to the exit, definitely on my way to skipping the rest of school and taking a drag on a well deserved cigarette.

"Where are you going?!" Kenny sniffed. He was still sobbing.

"I won't tell Butters what you did" I spoke as calmly as I could muster "but don't fuck with me and Tweek again, or I really will hurt you next time."

And with that, I left.


I came home to an empty house with mom and dad at work and Tricia in school. I took the golden opportunity to quickly jump in a shower and wash the sweat off my body and the dried blood on my lips. I couldn't believe what had happened, I was still trying to wrap my head around the events of that morning. Moreover, I couldn't begin to come around to what I said to Kenny… The harshness of those words that deep down I didn't believe at all. I sounded just like my dad, just like every other less evolved redneck in this damn town…

I could feel my already sore eyes spill again but couldn't tell if it was the hot water of the shower or my tears until I let out a choked sob.I couls be as loud and embarrassingly emotional as I pleased since no one was around to overhear. Kenny was right, I was confused, lost and more importantly, an incredible asshole.

When dad came back home a little later than I anticipated, he didn't look too shocked to see me a little earlier than he anticipated and told me sternly to take a seat with him before anything else could be said. I'd have felt nervous about it if I hadn't had a crazy enough day already. I doubt anything could've swayed me after that.

"Son" he began, as he always did "I got a call from PC Principal today..." He smelled of Skeeter's bar. "He told me something happened with you and some photos."

"Yeah" I replied.

"Some photos of you and the Tweak kid."

"Yeah…" He stared distastefully at me "it's not what you think, dad."

"What I think is that this nancy boy you've been tutoring has a thing for you and, well, I didn't see the picture but he… kissed you, didn't he?"

"Well yes but-"

"And you kissed him back?"

I paused.

"No" I lied remorsefully under my breath. I lied to my own father.

"Ha! I thought so. No son of mine is fruity, aren't I right, Craig?" he cheered and I nod only to then stare down into my lap, full of guilt.

"But he can find a new tutor, I don't want you hanging round him anymore."

"But dad-"

"No! I won't have some pervert poisoning you with this homo crap, do you understand? In fact, I should call Richard and tell him to keep his son on a damn leash. In my time, kids like that would be in an insane asylum."

I swallowed a thick lump in my throat. I wanted to defend Tweek, I wanted to find an excuse so that he'd let me see him but nothing could come to mind. All it was now was like talking to a brick wall, an outdated and ignorant wall at that.

"Just leave it" I almost whispered "I won't see him again." This was of course a lie but he believed me. So he'd heard about the photos but not the fight with me and Kenny? My guess was that Kenny went home and didn't rat me out. After all, he had a big secret too and now we were both idly protecting one another's.

"Have a beer, we're going to the Bertha's later in case you forgot" dad chucked me a beer from the fridge and took one for himself. In fact, I hadn't forgot. I wasn't looking forward to it at all either. My head was pounding from the fight earlier and I was worrying immensely about Tweek, about what happened in the principal's office earlier and whether I'd manage to see him today. I'd call off the dinner if it wasn't for the fact that my dad would have a beady hawk eye on me and where I go from now on.

Later I found myself on the passenger seat of my dad's truck, buttoned up in a smart blue shirt with my hair tied back neatly. I joined my dad in staring out of the front window, waiting for mom and Tricia to finish getting ready.

The rock station was playing and the car radio hummed an Aerosmith song that dad drummed his fingers on the wheel to before he stole a glance at me to see if I'd changed my expression. To his dismay, it was as bothered and stone-like as ever.

"Your hair's getting long" he remarked.

"I know. I'll get it cut soon" I told him. There was silence once again besides the music and I watched the sky intently as the snow clouds drifted over my view of the moon. A full moon tonight.

"Son, just to let you know, I'm not mad at you." That would be a first.

"For what, Tweek?" I asked.

"No, no. Not that. But skipping school and everything. Just make sure you're in from now because you gotta win that game. You're South Park's star football player."

"Oh yeah, right." The gloom in my voice must have been painfully obvious.

Before he could ask me what was wrong, mom and Tricia scuttled into the back seats of the truck. Mom leaned forward to give dad a red lipstick kiss and Tricia flipped me off. I would've returned the gesture if I weren't so emotionally exhausted.

The drive to Red's wasn't too long. The three other family members chattered about the holidays, my upcoming game and mom's new promotion among other things. Just a general family chat although I didn't engage. I gazed lonesomely out of the window as soft rock songs echoed throughout the vehicle and drowned out the noise of my family until all I could hear were my thoughts and the melodies of the radio intertwining with the snow like I was in some angsty movie.

I wondered how Tweek was doing. He seemed pretty upset when he saw the photos, so clearly I wasn't overreacting. I wanted to hold him in that moment, tell him I'd protect him and do something about it. Instead I let him take the rats for it with PC Principal. He must've been so nervous…

"We're here!" Mom exclaimed, nudging me from my thoughts as she let herself and Tricia out. the pair went on ahead to the door with a plate of homemade cookies and beaming neighbourly smiles.

Dad's hands were still on the wheel and he was still looking ahead, so motionless in fact that I reached out to touch him until he let out a long sigh and looked at me dead in the eye.

"None of this moping around, you hear me?" He hissed behind his teeth. I nod in response but my eyes were rolling. "I mean it Craig, if you're getting all emotional over that little fag we're gonna have some serious issues."

My fists, knuckles already violet from earlier, balled by my sides. How I wished I could just shut him up sometimes, his horrible mouth, his nasty mind. He didn't stop there.

"Make an impression tonight okay? No son of mine is-"

"I get it. I fucking get it, okay?" I avoided his beady glare.

"Good."

I got out of the truck and slammed the door closed, trying to compose myself as I walked towards Tricia and mom up the drive. Mom was used to this, our frequent quarrels I mean. She had a strong tolerance for my father's behaviour, she married the man for God's sake; I wish that I'd inherited that patient side of her but ironically I'd been given my old man's stubbornness.

Tricia gave me a sad smile but nod at me reassuringly. Out of all of my family, she was the only one who really knew the truth about the whole situation. I supposed it was because I had no reason to lie to her, or that she was just too clever to fool.

Diane and Marcus Bertha opened the door and greeted us all with enthusiastic hugs and handshakes. They pulled us in out of the cold one by one and took mom's cookies appreciatively into the kitchen where Red was pouring everyone a mug of hot apple cider. It was that time of year, the time for cookies and spiced alcohol that even minors were offered.

She smiled at me sweetly, her auburn hair tied up much like mine and I averted my gaze elsewhere. I wondered if her parents had pushed her into "getting along" with me too. If she was at school this morning, she would've seen the dreaded photos too. Two unnerving thoughts all in one second of looking at her.

"It's so nice to see you all. We have roast chicken on the go. I'd give it another half an hour but Rebecca's made some delicious hot apple cider" she motioned to the said girl, better known as Red and my parents walked towards her eagerly.

"Smells lovely" mom smiled. It all seemed so fake, so put together. Mom and Diane were apparently friends at work but even so, the conversations were stiff. I was beginning to believe even more that this was all a ploy to set me and Red up on a date. We were both seventeen and if this were really the case then, how childish.

As we all waited for the chicken to cook, Tricia made use of the Bertha family's grand piano and distracted everyone long enough for me to take the opportunity to wander my way outside for some fresh air and a smoke, mulled cider in hand.

I leaned against the truck and gazed up at the cloudy night sky, my head was somewhere up there, lost. When I checked my phone I realized I had an abundance of missed calls from a bunch of people. Token, Clyde, Kyle and even Wendy but most of them were from Tweek who seemed to have been calling me all day since this morning. I wanted to call him back but I didn't know where to begin. An apology, the truth? Everything was all so muddled.

As I was about to light a fresh cigarette, the door opened and there stood Red, wrapped in a hoodie and scarf and making her way down the path towards me.

"What?" I asked apathetically. I wanted to make it clear I had little interest in anything she was about to say.

"Can I pinch a smoke?" She asked as she motioned to my pack of lights.

"Sure" I offered her one of the cigarettes and tossed her a zippo as she lit the end and expertly inhaled the smoke from between her manicured fingers, exhaling silver smoke out into the cold December air.

"I was super glad to hear Craig Tucker was coming round for supper. Knew I'd get a free cig" she smiled lightheartedly and I shrugged.

"I'm glad someone was happy" I sighed as my smoke danced with Red's. She tapped the ash off the end and shifted her weight onto each foot over and over, an attempt to warm up.

"Look, I know what our parents are up to and I'm just as excited about it as you are." So her parents were in on it too. "But rest assured, I won't be going on any dates with you anytime soon."

"Glad to hear."

"At first I wasn't opposed to it. Utter jock, straight A student, not bad looking but…" she took another drag of the cigarette "I heard all them rumours you might not be so straight after all and after those photos today… Well, I don't judge but I'm not gonna get involved."

As much as I wanted to argue with her, deny the accusation and save my reputation, I hadn't the strength left in me to argue. I had about enough strength to lift my cigarette to my lips and drown out all the shit that had happened in the last twenty-four hours.

"Well I don't want to be involved with the slut of the school so I guess we're mutual there" I said bitterly and she showed no hint of frustration.

"Fair enough" she shrugged and flicked her cigarette butt into the snow. "I heard you're pretty hypocritical. I guess you just proved me right."

"You don't know anything about me" I scoffed, my own cigarette butt discarded.

"Seems like you don't know anything about yourself either."

I bit the inside of my cheek to hold back a witty comeback and refrain from exploding for the third time today. How many times had people said that to me? Things were definitely starting to close in on me and everyone could see it. Kenny, dad and even Rebecca Bertha. They were all picking on me, trying to pull me apart and get a reaction. I wondered how much more of it I could take before I bust someone up again. I wanted to eat some chicken and get the fuck out of here.

"Love to stay and chat but it's freezing out here, see you soon jock." Red made her way back into the warmth of her home and I was left once again in the blissful silence of the night, the smell of cold smoke on my clothes and the taste of warm festive cider in my mouth.


The Tweak household kept their spare key under one of the gnomes in their front garden and after manhandling each one of the many gnomes, bingo, there it was. I quietly opened the door and crept into Tweek's house, the pungent aroma of coffee hit me first and then the musty smell of old Christmas decorations that they'd began to hang up.

It was some time after 1:00am and despite the streets were pitch black and the majority of South Park were peacefully dreaming, I knew Tweek would be awake at this hour and coincidentally it was the only time I could sneak out after my dad had passed out from a little too much cider to notice I wasn't in my room anymore.

Being cautious not to make a floorboard creak or let my sneakers squeak on the polished wood, I followed the route I knew all too well to Tweek's bedroom in the dark. Light was spilling from under the door so already I knew he must be awake. Swiftly slipping inside, I laid my eyes upon the sleep-deprived character, his clothes strewn across the room and a whole coffee pot all to himself at the bedside table.

"Craig!" He leapt out of bed and greeted me with open arms that coiled around my neck tightly as he burrowed his face into my neck. "Why are you here so late? For a moment there I thought you were a burglar."

I hesitantly returned the embrace, my bruised hands found and soothed the small of his bare back, so smooth and warm. I held him closer and inhaled the scent of him, green apple and something bitter.

"I'm just here for you" I told him quietly.

"I've been calling you all night."

"I know."

"PC Principal-"

"I know."

"I couldn't sleep I was so worried about you."

"I'm sorry."

"What happened?"

He pulled away to get a better look at me and frowned once he caught sight of the damage. "Your lip…" he ran a soft thumb over my chin and carefully observed the work of McCormick even though I was sure that Kenny was in a far worse condition than me.

Tweek skimmed his hand down my cheek and tried to pick out pieces of what had happened to me. I hoped that he couldn't see the rawness of my cheeks from crying, or how sore my eyes were.

"Do you want to talk about it..?" He questioned as if he could read my mind.

"No. I don't" I replied softly. The way he was looking at me, the way that he was making me feel... It made me so fucking angry and I couldn't explain why. Anger, frustration… Why did the butterflies do that to me?

I switched the light off and pushed him onto the bed. He fell on his back into the many cushions and I could see the reflection of the moon sparkling in his eyes but that was pretty much all I could see.

"Are you tired?" He asked me once he felt my weight on the other side of the bed and my shoes thrown off.

"No" I whispered.

"Then what are you doing?"

"I'm going to fuck you."

There was a moment of silence before I heard Tweek barely murmur an "oh…" thoughtfully and I took his head in my hands to kiss him aggressively until he began to return the desperate kiss, moan and thread his fingers through my hair.

Tweek's arms ribboned around my neck and pulled me closer, urging me to touch him but I didn't comply. I broke the kiss, my lip sore from the beating and I decided to kiss and bite his own lip as I pulled his pyjama pants down to his knees and grind against him, piercing my teeth harder into his flesh when he winced at the contact.

His fingers trailed down my chest daintily to unbutton the blue shirt without rush before he came to a sudden halt and bolted upright upon hearing my belt and zipper unclasped and unzipped.

"Craig. S-slow down" he whispered as his hands searched for my knees in the dark.

"Why?" I asked, a little louder than intended.

"I just… what's the hurry?" he squeezed my knees and I knelt down to rest my forehead against his, my breath hot and heavy and my underwear currently pitching a tent.

I kissed his cheek softly instead of giving him an answer. The kisses left a cold trail up to his cartilage and I felt his entire frame shiver beneath me.

"Get on your stomach" I ordered him under my breath, I felt his heartbeat plummet as he did as he was told. I hadn't been this dominant with him before. I couldn't quite tell if he liked it or not either.

I reached for the bedside drawer where we both decided to store the lubricant and condoms and prepared myself for a very discreet activity of "letting off steam" some may call it. My head was flooded with a warm haze of christmas cider and Tweek's soft skin beneath me. I kissed his neck from behind, earning a high pitched whimper.

"I like it when you sound like that" I told him as I stroked a strand of hair away from his face so I could see the little white glint of light in his eye. I could feel his breath quicken beneath me as I slowly eased into him. I pinned his wrists to the mattress while he buried his face into the pillow and winced every now and then.

I was groaning and sweating and leaving a fatal hickey or two on Tweek's neck and shoulder but I didn't feel like I should of, like the dizzy warmth of the last few times I was in bed with Tweek. I felt angry and upset; his sweet little gasps and squirms weren't even enough to drag me out of the emotion.

Tweek made a sound of protest when I clasped his wrists tighter, upped my pace and pushed into him harder, my brows arched and my heart booming. Our breaths came out in ragged intervals and groans

"Craig, you're hurting me" Tweek squeaked almost in a whisper as he attempted to wriggle free of my grip. My eyes felt inflamed and my head was doing that thing where it tells me to stop but I didn't listen to it, I ignored Tweek and proceeded to finish.

"Stop" he breathed, his body contorted out of my grip. I constrained my hands around him and put more of my body weight onto his back though he tried even harder.

"Stop. Fucking stop!" He said much louder and after a second I gave way, I let him go and he collapsed on the pillow, panting heavily and curling in on himself. I scooted to the end of the bed and grabbed my face in horrifying realisation of what the fuck I was doing.

I could feel it again, dams behind my eyeballs threatening to break and I gave into it, I sobbed until I lost my breath and the cries became choked gasps of air. I was crying hysterically for the third time today, something I rare;y do once a year and no less, I was crying in front of Tweek who pulled his pants up and jumped up to turn the light on and stagger towards me with worry in his eyes.

I wished that it was still dark so he couldn't see my face, bruised and pathetically wet with tears. I didn't want to see his face either, strained and upset after what I'd nearly just done to him. I buried my face into my knees and swallowed the sobs, refusing to let him see the mess that I'd become.

He touched my shoulder tentatively and soothed his hand over my skin, his other hand helpless and twitchy in his lap.

"I'm sorry" I sobbed, avoiding his gaze at all costs. He let out a sigh and wrapped both his arms around me to pull me close against his chest until I could feel his heartbeat against my cheek, the warmth of his skin.

"It's okay" he told me calmly. I shackled my arms around his torso protectively and cried against his chest, basking in the soothing sensation of his hands nurturing my hair and smoothing over my back. I didn't deserve this kindness at all. I didn't know why I got so aggressive with him, or why I was crying relentlessly into him afterwards but I knew one thing. The self-hatred was getting me nowhere.


As you can imagine, this chapter was very difficult to write. I promise it won't all be doom and gloom from here out.

Note: My dumb British ass has been calling football "soccer" throughout this entire fic. Just so you know, Craig plays American football and I'm going to rectify all the times I've called it soccer.